Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The point where I should start dieting

In early 2006, almost 6 years ago, I was living with my friend Jimmy.  I had a scale I often didn't use that stayed in the kitchen most of the time.  It was stepped on occasionally.

This was the greatest scale of all time.

It had been broken for quite some time, and I knew this but didn't want to admit it.  The scale, no matter what you did, told you that you weighed less than the time before.

This was a great trick.  It's not like it made you 20 pounds lighter than whatever you were before, I mean you could gain weight in that scenario.  No, it simply kept telling you that you were losing.

This was awesome.  I could tell I was gaining weight, but my scale kept saying I was losing pound after pound. I was living the golden life of deniability.

Then one day it got absurd, and I began losing 10 to 15 pounds every 5 minutes.  It became a game to see how little we could weigh after eating another bite of Taco Bell.  I gave up on the scale, went to the store, and purchased a new pink one that proclaimed to give money to some women's breast cancer thingy, but was really purchased because it was the cheapest one there was.

I remember Jimmy weighed in at 227, and I weighed in at 235, and much to my dismay Jimmy actually lost weight after that by jumping up and down and parading around the room while doing some obese victory dance.

"Man, I need to lose weight.  I need to get serious, and it needs to start right now," I thought to myself.

5 years later I had gained 50 pounds.

Within a few months I lost 50 pounds.  I am now back to 235.

Which means I need to lose weight.  I need to get serious.  And I need to do it right now.

P.S. Yes I am aware I have yet to write about the couch to 5K, but that's cause I had an actual story to tell with 235.  Maybe at 230 I'll have nothing to say and can tell that story, which is still ongoing 3 days a week.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Equaling a Hero

You thought I was dead didn't you?  You have noticed that Lily hasn't updated since her diet pills turned her into a man, and you have noticed that....the other one...whose name currently escapes me...the Spanish chick...well she has never gotten on here to tell you about the Couch to 5K like she said she would.  Well, she has a good reason for that.

She is a failure.  I guarantee you the closest she has come to accomplishing the Couch to 5K was when she met the goal of getting from her couch to the 5 layer chocolate cake in her fridge.

I had no idea what kind of failures I would be creating this blog with.  Who knew if you grabbed a bunch of random people from the Internet that they were bound to be losers?  Strange.

Anyway, here is why you haven't gotten an update from me since I passed the 250 threshold:  I was out of town when I crossed 245.

But I am back now, and I have made it to 240 (actually 238 as of this morning).  I am in the 94th percentile in weight and I am completely kicking butt in keeping this up.

There was some exciting news along the way.  I am now classified as Obese Class 1.

CLASS 1!  The lowest level of obesity!

Here is a description of what Class 1 means, as according to

BMI is between 30-34.99 (Obese Class 1)
Individuals with a BMI of 30-34.99 are in a physically unhealthy condition, which puts them at risk for serious ilnesses such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, gall bladder disease, and some cancers. This holds especially true if you have a larger than recommended Waist Size. These people would benefit greatly by modifying their lifestyle. Ideally, see your doctor and consider reducing your weight by 5-10 percent. Such a weight reduction will result in considerable health improvements.

Isn't that awesome?  It's extremely inspiring.  Basically, what that says is that I am going to live to 100.  Really. If you read the description for Class 2 it will tell you that you will probably die within the week.  Class 3, where I was when this Blog started, thinks you will perish before finishing the paragraph, and likely kill a small village as you topple over.  Thus, this is good news.

But I have even better news for you.  At 238, having passed the 239 point means that I weigh less than one of my heroes: Homer Simpson.  This really does mean a great deal for me since he has spent over 20 years enduring fat joke after fat joke, and all the while I chucked along. And I weighed more than him.

I'm thinking of looking up lots of celebrity weights to have a list of people I am passing, like your Jim Belushi's, Horatio Sanz's, and Ron Jeremy's penis's.  I'm unsure if all of those apostrophes were necessary.

Regardless, here is this weeks 240 photo, along with Homer so that you can get a real comparison.  And next time, because there will be a next time, I am going to talk about the Couch to 5K.  Because I ran it, and I succeeded.  

America 1
whatever impoverished 3rd world nation Lorrraine is from: 0

(extra r added for fatness)