Chipotle, McDonalds, Cardio, Weddings and Cannibalism, Again.

Lily Says: So, the snow is melting already, and I could theoretically go out to the grocery store and buy HEALTHY food... but have I? Nope. I haven't gained weight, but I also haven't lost any. Which, again... I think is amazing considering how many times I've been to McDonalds and Chipotle lately. I guess what's helping is the semi daily cardio and Cardio. But, yeah... I need to start dropping the lb's. Bridezillas be wanting us to go see bridesmaid dresses. =\


Bear Says: Beware the wrath of Bridezilla. It's almost as bad as the wrath of Mothera.


Lily Says: Ugh... as long as I'm not in a dress that makes me look like a fucking cupcake, I'm good.


Bear Says: I can see where you'd be worried about looking like a cupcake...I mean what if Lor saw you? She might eat you. If she tries, please be sure to get some video we can sell on the blog.


Lor Says: 1a.) I don't understand how snow can keep you from the grocery store but NOT Chipotle's. 
b.) I love me some Chipotles.

2.) No one need to worry about me eating Lily. I haven't had a zebra cake in weeks! I'm fine! Totally normal! Not twitching at all. 

Besides, Lils is awesome, but she doesn't really have the right goods. Like... An actual cream filing. 

Lily Says: Just in case the rest missed it.. Lor said this: [posted above]

Ummm... Chipotle was more easily accessible than the grocery store. Chipotle is not in the hood, so their sidewalks were clean. Yes, in Chicago, if you live in the hood you best clean your own sidewalks... if not you get fined. womp womp.

 

But yes, I lack a creme filling. Which is sad. I've always wanted to be a twinkie or ho-ho or a Bavarian creme donut. Which by the way, you all try the Dunkin Donuts reverse Bavarian creme doughnut. And I'm not just saying it because Dunkin follows me on twitter... it is GOOD.

Lor Says: (Thanks Lily. Sorry I didn't reply all.... I owe you some chipotles, real talk.)

Lily Says: I don't even do it for the Chipotle. <3 

Bear Says: With all that Cardio, I'd assume you'd be slap full of filling by now...

Maybe you're not doing it right?

Lily Says: Ha! No comment. I hear children sometimes read blogs. 

Horrible and Disappointing

Bret Says: 267. -5 pounds.  Kick Ass.

O.K. So it might be an exaggeration.  First of all most of the weight has to be from, ummm, unloading multiple thanksgiving meals.  2nd of all, all of my weights came from the morning, where as this was this evening...before dinner...after barely having a chance to eat anything all day....while I was extremely dehydrated.

And yeah, directly after I unloaded even more turkey from my system.

Oh, and of course the weigh in happened on my "scale of random numbers."

Still, I'm in a good mood tonight. 267 puts me right back on track, even though it will probably go up next week.  I've started a workout plan.  I've started a NO EXCUSES 30 minutes of walking a day plan.  Today for lunch I had the chance to have an onion ring and bbq sauce covered cheeseburger and smothered in liquid cheddar fries, but instead chose a chicken wrap and apple slices.  It was horrible and disappointing.  It was everything a diet is supposed to be.

I'm sore, all over, and not from a long night of hide the sausage with Bear.  Everything is GOOD.  Except for your writings of course.

And on that note Lily, I will be back, with my new blog, this weekend.  There are lots of exciting changes in store.  There will even be a few new blogging blobs surprises for our 5 or 6 readers who might care....

Get ready.


Lily Says: Okay, so I was uber fail for Wednesday's post because of CARDIO. Sorry Lor. I still love you though!

Secondly, congrats on being back on track... over. achiever. I thought you said you were going to start celebrating your blobness... whatever. This seriously makes me doubt the return of your blogging. I gotta see it to believe it.

Lorraine Says: I refuse to celebrate a fake five pounds and any post that doesn't involve Bret and Bear playing hide the sausage.

Just In Time For Christmas

Bret Says: 272.  Up 3 pounds.  Well that sucks.  I was actually only up a half a pound until yesterday, and then schizo scale had to jump that up after the one day I ate like a normal human.

Seriously.  The only thing I did well this week was that I didn't do any late night snacking.  This is because by 4 PM I had already consumed 16 pounds of turkey and was long ago passed out in some uncomfortable position near the kitchen table.

There was only one night that I did not have turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes as my main (and huge) meal.  One night, for whatever reason, all I had for dinner was pumpkin pie.

I'm sorry, I wrote that wrong.  All I had for dinner was A pumpkin pie.

You see, honestly, I am not a sweets person.  I mean they are good, but I far more crave the taste of some hormone injected dead farm animal.  That's what gets my engine running.  Not eating chocolate, or ice cream, or anything like that was simple for me.  No cravings at all.

But pumpkin pie I will kill for.

I need to get back on the ball, and soon.  This is supposed to be the one thing I cannot allow myself to lose at.  I want to live a long, healthy, energy filled life.  God help me if I end up like these other four pathetic saps.


Lorraine Says: Why am I not surprised Bret prefers meat to sweets? And just so that we're clear, he's working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, no break. He doesn't get laid. He doesn't drink. He eats whole pies for dinner and is GAINING weight. But us four are the pathetic losers?

I think I'm doing the math wrong.

You do realize that by the time you eat through the world's supply of Thanksgiving leftovers, it'll be time for Christmas, right?

9 Pounds O' Poo

Bret Says: I honestly thought dieting would be easy, but I knew I was screwed on day one when I woke up upset.  I mean, plenty of time I don't even eat breakfast and it has no affect on me at all, however last Thursday I woke up hungry and pissed off that I had to be healthy.  That sucked...

I will tell you that I woke up 285, and as of Monday when I could last weigh myself I was 276.  This is probably a testament to the continuing saga of my scale most likely being broken, but honestly I had a pretty healthy week.  In fact, the worst part was Halloween night.  Not because of there being candy all around me but because after eating vegetarian chili and walnuts I thought I was having a heart attack.  Seriously.  My chest hurt, my left arm was pounding, I couldn't breath, and I basically just laid in bed in agony for hours on end.  I knew I wouldn't die, I'm too young to actually die of a heart attack, however one thought kept going through my head.  "I haven't eaten meat today."

I promise you if the last day of my life is to be worth anything, I will have eaten meat at some point.  Meat is awesome.  

I haven't had any major urges, but I haven't been great either.  I took a trip to my grandparents house, people who are so cheap they never ever buy healthy food.  They basically only serve fried hunks of those abused animals in that Sarah McGlaughlin commercial that plays all of the time.

Still, on the way down I stopped at Wendy's.  Yes, I had a cheeseburger, but NO FRIES.

I was pretty good at my grandparents also, until Wednesday.  I had a huge breakfast, but it was all from guilt.  My Grandparents are mocked for their cheapness all of the time, and as a result they are hurt if you don't eat their often expired food.  So I had a double helping of my Grandpa's sausage, and I had a few biscuits with jelly on them because he kept insisting.

Yes Bear, out of guilt I kept shoving my Grandpa's sausage in my mouth, and I swallowed down his jelly.  At least mine wasn't for pleasure.

Also for dinner we had lasagna.  I love lasagna.  I am like Garfield in that way, only less active.  Still, I wanted to limit myself to one serving of lasagna and one piece of garlic bread.  And I am proud to say I succeeded wildly.  I was very proud of myself for my restraint, and it really showed me that I can beat this thing after all.  Thus, with this happy news I decided to reward myself.

With another helping of lasagna and another piece of garlic bread.

-----END TRANSMISSION-----

TBM Says: So let me get this straight...your reward for not being a total fat ass and gorging yourself on lasagna was to go ahead and gorge yourself on lasagna?  Man...I wish I was as misguided as you.

I mean seriously...the next thing you're going to tell us is that you ate a pack of cookies and because, you're fucking awesome, and didn't eat a second pack of cookies, that you instead ate a whole damn case.

Bravo Bret...bravo.

Lorraine Says: Bret has already said some pretty mean things on this blog. I mean, he talked bad about my thighs. If you know nothing else, please know that Bret is a mean bastard because he talked about my thighs.

 
And that was probably the worst thing he's said... up until this point. He just blamed his fat-assness on HIS GRANDPARENTS. 
 
Now, I know nothing about his g-parents, but I do know the town they live in, which might as well be called "Retirement Town for the Infirm and Innocent Elderly Who Love Their Graindkids, Florida." Bret can't control his eating and he blames his grandparents who are feeding him out of the kindness of their hearts (because if I were as cheap as Bret claims they are, and I had a super-sized grandkid, I wouldn't even open the door.)
 
Also, Bret lost weight, but I'm choosing not to even recognize it. Why? HE PACKED ON WEIGHT BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED. Do you remember him saying that? He purposefully gained 16 pounds before starting the diet. I'm not acknowledging your weightloss BRET until you're back to pre-I-ate-McDonalds-four-times-a-day-for-a-week-weight. Got that?
 
It's like if I gain a pound every weekend and lose it every week and come back and tell you about all these single pounds I'm losing. We'll be here FOREVER. Well, some of us will. Lily will be dead. 
 
Don't even get me started on "your grandpa's sausage." Sick. 

 Witless Says: You know, I really thought I'd pull out the stops today, seeing as how I know Bret's a big boy and can take the heat.

But then when I saw how sad and pathetic his week was, I thought I'd spare him.  I mean really, while Lil was out getting drunk, Lor was debating the merits of Zebra cakes with Rox, and TBM and I were guzzling sausage:

Bret was by himself having a heart attack.  

Guys, we came this close to actually knowing someone who died in their apartment and wasn't discovered until weeks later.

Bret Says: Alright Bear, let's get this straight.  I ate two helpings of lasagna.  2.  Not 15.  This is a substantial improvement for me O.K.?

Lor: The weight counts, but I completely acknowledge why it is that I lost it.  It's not because I was healthy.  It's because natural processes occurred and I was frequently in the bathroom and dropping off 3 pounds of chicken fingers at a time.  Still, I wasn't replacing it with 4 pounds, so I'm proud.

Witless: I guarantee you I would be found way before that.  The smell that a produce while alive has been known to kill cows on contact.  If I were dead it would cause all of central Florida to become some sort of Chernobyl.

Lily:  WHERE ARE YOU YOU DUMB WHORE?  I assume you are lying on the pavement bloated and drooling somewhere stinking of tequila with ding dongs sticking out of your mouth.

AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE HOSTESS PRODUCT!

WE HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN....