Emotional Breakdowns = Weight Loss

Lily says: I’ve pulled a Bret and didn’t post for two weeks.

I had an emotional breakdown (sort of) and then stressed out about
school - for nothing, again.

But, all in all it was a good 2 weeks. Maybe not in my life, but the
losing weight.

I had no appetite. Had no Cardio and no cardio. BUT! Managed to lose 4
pounds the first week, and 2 the second. So maybe the key to losing
weight is 1) cry like a bitch for 14 days and 2) lose your appetite so
you won’t eat.

Either way, I’m still better than Bret.

Lorraine says: If crying like a bitch had anything to do with weight, Bret wouldn't have been fat in the first place, no?

Lily says: Yeah, probably. But he fails at mostly everything: Inflatable

girlfriends, blogging, life, etc.

How's that 5K training going, Bret?

Lorraine says: If Bret were chasing me, I'd run a 5k.

Lily says: A marathon even.

I like that Gmail put on my side bar "more about ... 5K beginner, training and schedules" Do you need this, Bret? 

Sloth to 5K says: I have successfully ran all 3 days of my couch to 5k thank you very much.  And also, I have given up french fries for lent.  AND I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT JESUS.

I think this is good for you Lily, not only that you lost weight, but also that you had an emotional breakdown and cried for two weeks.  It shows that your brain has developed enough for you to realize how truly awful your life is.  Congratulations.

Lily says: Thanks. Maybe next Lent you can give up Haterade.

Things I learned during the Blizzard... Ethiopian Diet = Headache

Lily Says: So last week I was snowed in. Snowpocalypse took over the Windy City. I really thought I was going to die. But, I didn't. Sad. I know. 

Anyway, there was alot of cardio but not enough food. I learned that I shouldn't participate in the ethiopian diet. I got a horrible headache from eating just one hash brown from the Golden Arches all day. 

I need a new dieting technique. 

Lorraine Says:  But, wait, did it work?? Because if you lost weight, what's a little headache. Granted the Ethiopian diet won't be as effective for you once you're able to get out of the house...

Lily Says: Oh yeah. A pound of fat and 2 in water. Because I cried because we saw Juno and because the headache hurt. So it wasn't a fail at all. Just not as practical now that I can leave the house. 

Don't Break the Screen Bret Says: Seriously, you don't think Christy Henrich got a headache or two?  And you know THAT was worth it.

(Look it up people)

Lily Says: Doubt it. Well, maybe the crying. But definitely not the headache. God, Bret, why do you always think you're right??

The triumphant return of Ethiopians and Bret's racism

Witless Exposition: I'm really excited that every time I weighed myself this week, the trend was down.  So I can unequivocally say that I have lost a whole pound this week.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but both my doctor and my internet research says 1-2 pounds lost a week is really what you should aim for.  It's safe for your body, and it's more likely to stay off if you lose it slowly.  Your body has a chance to get used to the change instead of thinking that you're a starving Ethiopian and holding on to every fat cell it can get its grubby little hands on.

I'm very proud of myself this week.  While we haven't worked out every day, each time we've gone, I felt less like dying.  I'm still at a level where my body is working hard (my heart rate is in the target for aerobic exercise each time), and the circuit room weight still makes me work, but I don't have to stop to catch my breath anymore, and I'm able to do a little more/go a little faster each day.

As far as the food front this week: I've splurged a little on several days, BUT each day I did, I made sure I ate less calories for my lunches/dinners.  I.e. salad for lunch with a single pack of chocolate ice cream.  I was still in my range of healthy carbs per meal, and since I don't really do dressing much, the salad filled me up, but didn't pack a big calorie punch.  I'm starting to learn that I really, actually, and honestly can do this whole portion control thing.

So if I keep going at the rate I am now, I have roughly nine months before I hit my first weight goal.  That's a bit depressing, but it no longer feels impossible.

Lorraine: If we all keep doing well, what the hell do we blog about? So, um, how about those Ethiopians?

The Bear Monk: I actually got to try Ethiopian food once...it's apparently pretty big in the greater DC area.  I have to say...I really liked it but I can definitely tell why they're so damn skinny...other then the whole famine thing.  That shit was SPICY.

 Lily: Mexican food is spicy... Why am I not skinny?!

Oh, right. Most of it is deep fried.

The Bear Monk: I'm glad to see that logic is finally prevailing with you Lily.  These Ethiopian folks apparently cook their meats in some crazy spicy sauces and then throw raw jalapeños on top for good measure.  I know...I tried one to see what it was.  It was not NOT a green pepper. 

Lily: Bwahahahaa. I'm going to try to not fry anymore food. 

Slightly Fishy or something: You'll feel a lot better after you stop frying food lily.  It is far more satisfying when someone else does it for you.

Minus 5/Non-broken scale success

Lily Says: This week was SUCCESS!
Minus four pounds on the bod. All thanks to the Ethiopian Diet. I think I finally get what those kids do to get those twiggy bods. Though... I'm not really doing the ED on purpose. Sometimes, I really only have time for breakfast. Then classes until forever and work right after. By the time I get home it's like 1 am... also known as past my bedtime.

Total lost: 5 lbs.
I'm actually fine with that number. Yay!
I'm deathly afraid of gaining 5 times the weight I loss starting next Thursday. Stupid fucking turkey day. And I know what you're thinking "eat the veggies" and the "healthy stuff"... Let's be real here. I'm Mexican... and really those two things do not apply. Especially when you throw in a very horrible American holiday about killing people and eating them (may not be historically accurate... whatever).

The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says:  Congrats on the 5 pounds madame.  Look, we all need a simple Thanksgiving/holiday plan.  That is, we don't want to suffer the rest of our lives with bean sprouts while we watch others eat turkey and Christmas cookies for 4 months.  That is no way to live a life.  So, there should be a daily plan.  EAT Thanksgiving dinner, but only one serving (leftovers baby!)  Have a Christmas cookie, but make it one per day, or one per 6 hours or something.  Drink Tequila Lily, but limit it to 6 bottles a day, and only 1 at a time while driving.

This isn't that hard, we can do this!  Except for Lily.  It's 9:19AM her time, and I'm sure she's sloshed.

Lily Says:  Oh. 6! That's what it was.

Lorraine Says: Congrats on the five pounds, but... you are Mexican + major holiday coming up? Your only hope will be lots of poo.

Fine, whatever, I'm really worried about Thanksgiving too. Not eating at least two servings at Thanksgiving dinner is a sure sign to the family of bad, bad things:

1.) You didn't like the cooking, which means you should be punched in the face.
b.) You are in love. And you didn't tell anyone?!
cat.) You are sick, or possibly and most likely pregnant.

I don't want to be grilled about being pregnant guys. Because that will lead to a conversation about how sex is evil, and Lily can attest to all the health benefits of sex, but Lily will not be there. She will be on bottle 6.5 of tequila because it's an effin' holiday and she can have all the bottles she wants.

Drink to that my dear! Because if Thanksgiving is about anything, it's about our freedom to be fatasses. Wait. That might also be historically inaccurate.

The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says: Thanksgiving is all about us eating some Indian food so that we could give them all small pox and take over, so that Lily could come along some day with her big pox, which is what she calls her nipples.

Look it up, it's on wiki.

Lily Says: Yeah, the sexy time burns all the calories... and I think.... and highly suspect that the broken scale hella lied to me. This new scale is like hella cooler and doesn't lie. So I wouldn't be surprised if I lost like 3 lbs last week, and 2 pounds this week.

But I did pretty well for a week with no cardio. And no cardio = Lily's hella bitchy. And be proud of me, because I've been feeling sad... maybe also because I had no cardio, and have been wanting to eat my feelings... and drink them. But I didn't. Yay! Smiley Face!

Lorraine... I know what you mean! I'm thinking I'm going to go up to the buffet line twice... BUT am going to serve myself a little of everything. I'm thinking like teaspoons of mashed potatoes and stuffing... teaspoon of rice... teaspoon of turkey. This knocks out 1.

As for b. They all know I'm in love... except my grandma...

and cat... Jesus, if I were pregnant, then at least I'd know I was going to be at least 20 lbs lighter in 9 months. But if I were expecting, they'd all want to feed me more.... which really means I'd gain about 100 pounds. And THAT will kill the sex drive. Or so I hear.

Bret... your nipples are bigger than the bottom of a 64 oz fountain drink cup at 7-11. HEY-O!


TBM Says: Holy Shit...5 pounds?  Did you get a breast amputated?  Did you simply turn down 1 bottle of Vodka?  Hopefully not the first...  Who am I trying to kid?  Hopefully not the second either.

This year I'm not really dreading Thanksgiving so much.  There will only be 3 of us and 2 of us are diagnosed diabetics.  We're getting used to controlling the portions now too. 

I almost shit a brick when I started reading Bret's first comment.  I thought surely someone had hijacked his email account and decided to try and trick us into thinking he had a heart or something.  Upon completing my read I discovered Bret is still the heartless bastard we've all come to love or tolerate...whichever applies.

As Bret didn't say it, I will...Lor rhymes with whore.  No wonder your family would question you about pregnancy hon...

And The Default Winner Is Me

Lorraine Says: "I saw you were doing that blob thing and I thought, 'Why the hell is she doing that?' And then I realized that you were just gonna write about not dieting, right?"

That priceless gem of a quote comes from my best friend (and obviously my number one supporter) Roxanne.

No one believes in me. Okay, fine sure, that might have come after Rox climbed in my car and found an empty box of zebra cakes hiding underneath the passenger side, but all I'm asking for is a little support.

He forgot to buckle up.

Why? Because no matter what anyone on this blog says, I win this week by default. It's no secret that Halloween is probably my least favorite holiday. Maybe not as bad as Earth Day. Okay, probably as bad as Earth Day because that's easy to ignore but Halloween is just all in yo' grill.

So while my fluffy, spirited pals were off chomping on fun sized packages of candy they were supposed to be giving to little children (and while Lily was drunk somewhere), I was straight ignoring the holiday, and thus I win. Please keep that in mind as I update you on the rest of my week.

TBM made a comment in yesterday's post about wanting to find out my weakness. Well, fuckin' DUH, TBM. Where the hell have you been? CHOCOLATE.

We started this little venture officially on Friday and that was the day I ate my way through the zebra cakes box. FAIL.

The next day, feeling the guilt heavy on me, I decided that I was going to stick to my guns and do productive ish like eat food and not chocolate but the damn Universe had other plans for me: I was sick all weekend. So while I did manage an IHOP trip  Saturday morning and a few cups of coffee, my desire to eat (along with my will to live) were pretty non-existent as I slept most of the weekend and prayed to baby Jesus that I would better soon.

I'll call that an overall health fail and a dieting WIN. Hey, isn't disease part of the Ethiopian diet? Then I'm doing it right.

Monday, I was feeling tons better and began trying to put myself on a normal people eating schedule. I've done breakfast every morning this week! Not even the fun kids cereal like Count Chocula or Cocoa Puffs: boring stuff with "bran" and "almonds" in the name.

I've not eaten any fast food since this has started, but like I said, food is not really a big deal. I've had small sandwiches or salads and only water to drink.

The End.

Oh. What? You want to know about my chocolate intake? Sigh.

Monday was fine. I went the whole day without any.
Tuesday though, I bought a Kit Kat bar and I housed it. Plus they brought in warm and gooey chocolate chip cookies at my job and I had one of those too.

To make up for it though, I went to the gym! (No matter how much I convince myself that that all balances out, I keep feeling like I'm doing it wrong.)

So, after this morning's weigh-in I'm still at 139. Guess what? No weight gained is a victory indeed.

On Tuesday, I also told my mother I was going to start a diet.

"Ay, si? Again? And are you finally going back to school too? Is there a man outside waiting that you are going to introduce me to? Grandkids?"

Gee, thanks mom.

Someone pass me a brownie. I'll skip breakfast tomorrow as a trade-off. (No seriously, does that work? Calorie swapping? I feel like it should work. I'll trade you all of my protein for the day for one bag of M&Ms.)

Goals for the next week:
- Eliminate all beverages except for water, including coffee.
- Still no fast food.
- Limit my chocolate intake to only 3 days per week. (STFU. I have to start somewhere.)
- Gym at least 3 times in the week.

Alright you over-sized jerk-faces: have at it.

------------------------------------

Lily Says: I seriously seriously don't think you'll stick to the "chocolate no more than 3x a week..." I believe you stole my taffy apple?

However, I do believe staying even is neither win or fail. Slightly more win than fail... considering the IHOP. 

But there's two more days in the week... and who knows, maybe this week Bret didn't single handedly put the Chik fil a's owner kids, grandkids and greatgrandkids through college (at like Harvard ... or something equally as expensive). 

Also... no coffee? I think the first to die is you. Because, coffee is like our blood. NEEDS IT TO LIVE, yo.

Witless Says: I would think there's protein somewhere in a zebra cake.  I mean, it's got zebra in the name.

Disease is definitely part of the Ethiopian diet plan. One of the three pillars in fact: disease, famine, and political unrest.  It's election season, so I'd say you've got two of the three out of the way!

Hey, Lil, last I remember, taffy wasn't chocolate so it's fair game. Plus it's got fruit in it.

But despite that healthy choice, poor Lor will most assuredly be the first to die.  No coffee? Just start drinking it extra strong and black. I'm pretty sure that caffeine's a good substitute for exercise.  I think I heard Oprah say that, so it's got to be the truth.

TBM Says: Shame on me...I guess I should have realized you are what you eat. Chocolate lady eats chocolate...no big surprises there. Perhaps as you're hoovering your Kit Kats you can choke down a few fiber pills to even things out...or at least pass the calories in a timely manner. Oh and I'm sure those Zebra cakes are rife with protein...much like girl scout cookies. Speaking of girl scout cookies isn't that time of year fast approaching? I bet you LOVE those thin mints. Chocolate and mint...saves you the step of brushing your teeth in the morning I bet.

But seriously...3 times a week? I'll be surprised if you can do 3 times a day.

Perhaps breast reduction is the way to go for you? After that post you did on Dan's blog I'd say that would be the first source of weight to deal with. After all, they're always getting in the way, right?

Can you see my desperation? I'm trying to talk a busty woman out of her bust. It's a sad day for all of mankind.

And just so we're clear...breaking even on weigh in day is like coming in second place. It just makes you the first loser.

Lorraine Says: WHAT THE HELL? I thought we voted Lily as most likely to die first, and suddenly you're all turning on me? For coffee and chocolate vs. gin and tonic? You fickle, fickle bunch. Lily will die first, Bret will outlive us all. It'll be him and cockroaches. 

Wife, are you trying to ruin zebra cakes for me? I want my zebra cakes to be all artifical flavoring and sugar not protein and zebra meat. Seriously, ew. Also, I see what you're doing by passing along Oprah advice: YOU WANT ME TO LOOK LIKE OPRAH? That's the meanest thing that's happened on this blog yet.

TBM, shame on you indeed. First for failing to realize how essential chocolate is to my life and secondly for trying to pass off your shitty diet on me. 

Is it seriously girl scout cookie time, though? No, c'mon. Seriously? 

And just so you guys know, and I fully intend on exploring this in a later post, nothing should substitute brushing your teeth in the morning. And more importantly, burshing your teeth and Listerine are a dieter's best friends. No one wants to each anything after a mouthful of Listerine. You're welcome.

Aaaaand it always goes back to the boobs. Dammit people, it always goes back to the boobs!

Lily Says: Speak the troof!!! Brush your teefers and you won't want to eat anything after that. A good way to stay on the Ethiopian Diet.

But really... I won't die. Skinny Bitch cocktails yay! I'm back in the game.

Bret Says: It appears as though Lor's weight loss plan is simple:

1.Eat chocolate
2.Eat more chocolate
3.Become diabetic
4.Get leg amputated.

The average leg weighs about 15 pounds, however with her thighs I'm sure she'll lose 35-40.  It's brilliant.

Lorraine Says: And now it's time to ask yourselves what exactly Bret knows about my thighs...


And the saga continues...