The Cleanse

Lily Says: Last week, I was on spring break and decided it would be an awesome time to do a full body cleanse.

I went over to GNC and bought the least intensive looking box. I bought this on a Thursday... I started it on Friday.

Almost immediately after taking the first little packet of pills and some "probiotic" dust, I had to go empty out everything extra I've been carrying around. Perfect. At least I was at home. Came out feeling 5 pounds lighter.

The problem was that you had to do this routine twice a day. And Friday nights are Cardio nights. And problems ensued. I didn't really feel any urgency in leading up to cardio. I just kept burping alot, I do this all the time anyway so I didn't really think much of it. But as we kept going, I started feeling like I needed to go AT THAT MOMENT. I couldn't just get up and leave. I'm like a teenage boy, and have no sense of priority when I have to chose what to do first: sex, or everything else. Obviously, I chose sex.

As much as I wanted to just go to the bathroom, I couldn't. And it just kept going...

This was super hard, I was trying to enjoy the sex that was going on, but I couldn't because I started getting a horrible pain in my stomach and what I believe to be every other organ in my body. So it came down to the decision of whether I should fake an orgasm or not just to go to the bathroom.

I weighed the pros and cons of this... I had like a million cons, and only one pro.

I couldn't take the pain anymore, because for some reason, my boyfriend decided to lay directly on top of me when he was finishing... which I thought was strange. Because of that, I decided to fake it. I haven't faked it since ... a long time ago. And because I always go pee after we're done, it didn't seem suspicious.

Well, it was a waste of a fake orgasm. Because I didn't even have to empty my bowels when I went to the bathroom. I peed and farted. And not even a loud, cool smelly one. A stupid little girly one.

What. The. Fuck?!

Well, that was the same story for the rest of the seven days of the cleanse. Was it worth it? Fuck yes! Six pounds lighter. Would I sacrifice another orgasm for a fart? Yeah, probably.

Lorraine Says: Lily this disturbs all of my female sensibilities. Or something.

Mostly, it's about the grossest story that's ever been told on Blogging Blobs. This even takes into account back when Bret and Bear used to be super fond of telling us "hide the sausage" stories.

No, wait. That was grosser.

At least you know you still have the skill to fake an orgasm? I mean, no woman wants to think she's lost that touch, in case of emergency.

Six pounds though? Six pounds o' poo?
I am both intrigued and scared.

Lily Says: Well, it wasn't just poo. It was also a liver, heart, kidney etc cleanse. So there was lots of pee too.

I like to think that faking an orgasm is a good trait to have.

The good thing is this story wasnt a "sex poo" story.

Bear Says: Faking orgasms so you can fart? That's got to be one of the greatest most disgusting stories I've ever heard.

Where can I get this cleansing thing again? for a 6 pound drop I think I can do without Cardio for a few days.

Lily Says: Answer is: GNC

St. Patrick's Day Let Down

Lily Says: So it's Tuesday again.

And let me tell you about the last two pounds I lost. But I was sad about losing them.

I really wanted to go out drinking on Thursday. Because everyone is Irish on Saint Patrick's Day. My friends and I decided that we were all going to play hookey from school and work and go to this place called the Emerald Loop.

So, I was all ready to get piss drunk.

I went to my first class because it's at some ungodly hour. Then I got a call from my friend saying she couldn't get out of work.

And then another call saying my other friend had a test in one of her law school classes.

And my other friend saying she felt like crap.

Fine whatever. But then I started feeling like crap too. Friend number 3 and I had gone out for ice cream the night before. I think we both got sick from this ice cream place *cough*baskin*robins*cough*.

Instead of drinking booze and eating corn beef hash, I was puking. I wouldn't have minded gaining 2 lbs, but apparently the Weight Loss Gods don't want me to have fun

Bret Says: Jesus Christ Lily, With how much you puke I would be almost certain that you are officially bulimic, except that bulimic people are supposed to be skinny.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing.  Puke your way to better cardio.  Especially when your teeth fall out.  It's not much for the looks department, but in other areas?  Mmmmmhmmmm.

Bret’s Addendum: oh, and as an aside:

BEAAAAAR BEAAAAAAAR, DO YOU STILL LIVE BEAR?????

Lor Says: No, seriously Lily, you puke a lot. Suddenly, that pink stain on your white shirt, way back from one of the first posts, makes so much sense. Apparently you have a hard time keeping things down or in your mouth. 

Lor’s Addendum: And my aside: BEAR WHERE ARE YOU? Also, I love that Wife comes around but never mentions Bear. She's all, "Oh I'm alive, la la la, nothing to see here."

I think Wife killed Bear. And then maybe ate him. EW. 

Wife says: Poor toothless Lily.  Not sure how you'll be able to eat empanadas now. :(

And, Bear's totally still alive...yeah, alive.  And not stuffed and mounted in the basement.  Nope not at all. *whistles and looks at ceiling*

Bret Says: I thought he was supposed to stuff and mount you?  You are totally doing it wrong.

Lily says:  Re: pic = not puke. (it’s kool-aid or red margarita mix… don’t remember it was like four years ago).

I suspect food poisoning from ice cream. Like really. And it was lots of puke. I spent most of thursday and Friday hanging out with the porcelain throne. 

PS I also have all of my teeth. 

Lazarus Bear Says: Much to the dismay of the group I am indeed still alive. Work's been really kicking my ass these last couple weeks and we've got a major release coming up next month which means work work and more work. 

PS - The stuffing and mounting in our house is totally my job.

Emotional Breakdowns = Weight Loss

Lily says: I’ve pulled a Bret and didn’t post for two weeks.

I had an emotional breakdown (sort of) and then stressed out about
school - for nothing, again.

But, all in all it was a good 2 weeks. Maybe not in my life, but the
losing weight.

I had no appetite. Had no Cardio and no cardio. BUT! Managed to lose 4
pounds the first week, and 2 the second. So maybe the key to losing
weight is 1) cry like a bitch for 14 days and 2) lose your appetite so
you won’t eat.

Either way, I’m still better than Bret.

Lorraine says: If crying like a bitch had anything to do with weight, Bret wouldn't have been fat in the first place, no?

Lily says: Yeah, probably. But he fails at mostly everything: Inflatable

girlfriends, blogging, life, etc.

How's that 5K training going, Bret?

Lorraine says: If Bret were chasing me, I'd run a 5k.

Lily says: A marathon even.

I like that Gmail put on my side bar "more about ... 5K beginner, training and schedules" Do you need this, Bret? 

Sloth to 5K says: I have successfully ran all 3 days of my couch to 5k thank you very much.  And also, I have given up french fries for lent.  AND I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT JESUS.

I think this is good for you Lily, not only that you lost weight, but also that you had an emotional breakdown and cried for two weeks.  It shows that your brain has developed enough for you to realize how truly awful your life is.  Congratulations.

Lily says: Thanks. Maybe next Lent you can give up Haterade.

Chipotle, McDonalds, Cardio, Weddings and Cannibalism, Again.

Lily Says: So, the snow is melting already, and I could theoretically go out to the grocery store and buy HEALTHY food... but have I? Nope. I haven't gained weight, but I also haven't lost any. Which, again... I think is amazing considering how many times I've been to McDonalds and Chipotle lately. I guess what's helping is the semi daily cardio and Cardio. But, yeah... I need to start dropping the lb's. Bridezillas be wanting us to go see bridesmaid dresses. =\


Bear Says: Beware the wrath of Bridezilla. It's almost as bad as the wrath of Mothera.


Lily Says: Ugh... as long as I'm not in a dress that makes me look like a fucking cupcake, I'm good.


Bear Says: I can see where you'd be worried about looking like a cupcake...I mean what if Lor saw you? She might eat you. If she tries, please be sure to get some video we can sell on the blog.


Lor Says: 1a.) I don't understand how snow can keep you from the grocery store but NOT Chipotle's. 
b.) I love me some Chipotles.

2.) No one need to worry about me eating Lily. I haven't had a zebra cake in weeks! I'm fine! Totally normal! Not twitching at all. 

Besides, Lils is awesome, but she doesn't really have the right goods. Like... An actual cream filing. 

Lily Says: Just in case the rest missed it.. Lor said this: [posted above]

Ummm... Chipotle was more easily accessible than the grocery store. Chipotle is not in the hood, so their sidewalks were clean. Yes, in Chicago, if you live in the hood you best clean your own sidewalks... if not you get fined. womp womp.

 

But yes, I lack a creme filling. Which is sad. I've always wanted to be a twinkie or ho-ho or a Bavarian creme donut. Which by the way, you all try the Dunkin Donuts reverse Bavarian creme doughnut. And I'm not just saying it because Dunkin follows me on twitter... it is GOOD.

Lor Says: (Thanks Lily. Sorry I didn't reply all.... I owe you some chipotles, real talk.)

Lily Says: I don't even do it for the Chipotle. <3 

Bear Says: With all that Cardio, I'd assume you'd be slap full of filling by now...

Maybe you're not doing it right?

Lily Says: Ha! No comment. I hear children sometimes read blogs. 

Things I learned during the Blizzard... Ethiopian Diet = Headache

Lily Says: So last week I was snowed in. Snowpocalypse took over the Windy City. I really thought I was going to die. But, I didn't. Sad. I know. 

Anyway, there was alot of cardio but not enough food. I learned that I shouldn't participate in the ethiopian diet. I got a horrible headache from eating just one hash brown from the Golden Arches all day. 

I need a new dieting technique. 

Lorraine Says:  But, wait, did it work?? Because if you lost weight, what's a little headache. Granted the Ethiopian diet won't be as effective for you once you're able to get out of the house...

Lily Says: Oh yeah. A pound of fat and 2 in water. Because I cried because we saw Juno and because the headache hurt. So it wasn't a fail at all. Just not as practical now that I can leave the house. 

Don't Break the Screen Bret Says: Seriously, you don't think Christy Henrich got a headache or two?  And you know THAT was worth it.

(Look it up people)

Lily Says: Doubt it. Well, maybe the crying. But definitely not the headache. God, Bret, why do you always think you're right??

Tuesday... Blah.

Lily Says:  So... 

Cardio = WIN

Food = WIN

Weight loss = WIN

Workout = Lose. 

In this little campaign of ours, I have learned that soda is really bad. Not only have I stopped drinking the carbonated delight, I am prohibiting anyone around me from drinking it. That means, when I go out to lunch with my friends on a school day, I tell them "hey fucking whores, stop drinking fucking Coke ya bitches". And they oblige. 

I no longer feel as bloated. 

I mean, I'm still fat... but all the carbonation makes me feel fatter. Now, I feel like a normal fat person, rather than a fat fat person. If that makes sense? If it didn't let me break it down.. I feel human, I don't feel like Bret. 

The next thing I plan to cut out entirely is caffeine, but I know that I would probably go on a murderous rampage. What? I love coffee. 

TBM Says:  I'm not really sure why we should cut caffeine out of our diets.  Lor mentioned this before and I must be misinformed on the whole caffeine topic.

I thought the shit would raise our metabolism and thus cause us to burn more calories?  Now I'm also using Splenda to sweeten my coffee and tea, but I'm pretty sure it's the gobs of sugar you're adding to your coffee and not the caffeine itself that's causing your ENORMOUS ass.

Wife Says:  They tell alcoholics not to quit smoking or go on a diet while sobering up, so I'd put caffeine in that same category.  Why make it harder on yourself than it already is?

No Wee-Wee Says:  That's what she said?

Lily Says:  Wife: I don't think it's harder. Maybe I can just yell at my friends. Like "yo bitches, stop drinking coffee around me you fucking heifas... go eat a baby hippo" or some random insult like that.

 

Bret... I don't even know what to say, Dolphin. 

There's an App For That

Vodka Says: So it's Tuesday...

And I know I forgot to post last week. But that's okay because hasn't "No pee pee" Bret missed like weeks on end? I'm going to say yes. And Lor agrees.

So, I've been super productive on the diet front. I got that Zumba wii thingy, so I've also been "working out".

I got an iPhone as a Christmas/3 Kings Day/Valentine's Day/Birthday/Graduation present. And there's this nifty App. It's called "Lose It". So I started using it and it's helped me drop 2 pounds in the past 2 weeks. It helps you count calories in and calories burnt... it's pretty cool. But I know that as soon as I go to school (today) I'm going to eat more calories than I burn... which means I fail. But I need to start being serious about this... my friend's wedding is a little over a year away. And I've barely made a dent in the blobby-ness.


No Pee Pee Bret Says: Don't worry about it Lily, it's not like you are getting married.  Ever.


Vodka says: :( womp womp

Maybe Next Week...

Lily Says:  Happy Tuesday guys. Well what is there to say? I mean, I stepped on the scale and it was in the same place it was last week. I'm not taking it personally. I'm pretty sure my body is still trying to figure out where all that food I ate at Christmas is. I'm pretty sure staying even is an accomplishment because I honestly did eat AND drink that much. And I didn't do the usual Roman custom of making myself puke to keep partying. Hopefully by next week my body will be like "okay Lily, now we can actually lose some weight".


TBM Says: I'm sure that the great void that is your stomach is becoming seriously parched without the river of vodka that's usually flowing through it. I guess your regular schedule of cardio hasn't helped much either?

Lily Says: Correct. Oh vodka I miss you oh so much. I'm sure I'd lose some more with it on my side. On the other hand cardio might be what's preventing me from going up

Gotta Do It Wrong To Get Results

Lily Says: So, I did everything right this past week. I didn't eat bad food (read: fast food, fried foods, etc). And for what? Plus two pounds?! WTF?!

That was stupid. So basically: eating McDonald's every other day, drinking water sometimes, mucho soda, chips occassionally, and twinkies for breakfast is the key to weight loss. Fuck it. I quit this week. Call me after Christmas. :)

Wife Says: Hmmm...any tequila in the mix?

TBM Says: That's like asking if she's been breathing this week...

Lorraine Says:  Or did you have a fight with your bf? Less cardio anyone...? 

Lily Says: Wife: Definitely will be tequila in the mix. 

Lor: No fighting with the bf. But fighting would equal MORE cardio... because you know... Make-Up Cardio. But cardio has been at normal levels.

Tricky Fish Says: Maybe he, uhh....how do I put this...left 2 pounds of cardio inside of you?

Sad Post/Tricky Flash's return to blogging.

Lily Says:  Okay, so I guess I survived finals and whatever. But not really. Because I was so stressed last week, it created other problems. My stomach begins to attack me as soon as I eat anything. And it sucks. I don't know what it is. 

Last week I was at 172. This week... The little arrow is between the 2 and the 3. So it's either 172.5 or I'm gaining weight while on the scale. I think minus 8 pounds in one month is success. Watch me gain it all back next week. 

Tricky Bitch... I mean Fish Says: I had no idea being a whore could be such an effective weight loss technique.  Bravo.

Lily Says: Uh? Whore? Your face.

Also. I forgot to congratulate you... Congrats on your blogging return, Asshat!  Heart you!

Final's Week = No Food

Lily says:

It's fucking finals week.

Have I told you guys how much I hate finals week?

I have no time to eat. No time to sleep. No time to poop. But at least the last one would be okay, since I'm not eating.

Finals week is the bane of my existence. Why? I kill myself to get the most mediocre grade in a class, and then when I get my grades mid break, I'm like "oh, staight B's... great". And in my delusional state, I think.. "great.. B's. The world is ending". So I immediately eat an entire pizza by myself.

So though this week I'm -2 lbs... I'm scared that sometime next week, I'll be up 2312394234 pounds. But at least I didn't go up during Thanksgiving. :D

TBM Says:  Honestly, you'll likely get just as good a job with a 3.0 as you would with a 4.0 dear.  Don't stress so much over it.  Mediocrity isn't that bad.

Lorraine Says: Unless the stress is actually helping you lose weight. In which case, EW A B?!

Lily Says:  TBM: Yeah. But I'm a minority... and could probably use the extra 1.0. 

Lor: Yeah... a little bit, but it also makes my hair fall out too :( so it's a win lose. 

Some dude that doesn't blog anymore:  It's not the letters on your report cards that matter in the real world.  It's the letters under your shirt that will get you the money.  And in that world, B's are better than A's.

How was that?

Lily Says:  Well, in that case... I'm still average. 

Gah... 

Not good enough. 

PS, Bret, do you still blog? About anything? Other than this? Yes? No? 

Lorraine Says: Hey now, D's are worth something! And my boobs never lose weight, YAY.

Wife Says:  I'm sad because Brett probably has all our cup sizes beat.

Lily Says:  In the words of my little cousins, "Bret, you got TREATED!" 

But yeah, that also makes me sad. :( 

Lily Says: I'm trying to mentally prepare for the amount of food that will be presented to me on Thursday, AKA: Kill a Turkey Day, or the day the Pilgrims killed the Indians in the first basketball game.

I lost another stupid pound.

Just one. WTF. This is what happens when I go out drinking. Though I haven't ate all week, I'll decide to drink those calories, get super  shit faced and feel like shit the next morning.

I hope the Turkey Gods help me not overeat turkey.

Tricky Fish Says: I don't know what you are complaining about with this only lost a pound stuff.  In a normal week you gain what, 12 pounds?  I think losing a pound is pretty darn good for you, even though it's the equivalent of bear having a mole removed.

Lorraine Says: Maybe it's all the promise of mass amounts of food, but I've been out of form lately. As much as I would love to pick on Lily for being a lush or for only losing a pound or I dunno, that booze-stained shirt I love so much, I'm just so happy about food. REAL FOOD. Turkey. And maybe even some drink that isn't water. And OMG, did I mention FOOD?

 

Obviously, I'm distracted.

 

Now, what is Tricky babbling about? He wants to eat Bear and have a mole removed?

 

FOOD. 

Witless Says: Thanksgiving is glorious!

Do you want to hear my healthy living compromise for Thursday?  We're only having sugar free chocolate pie for dessert.  No pumpkin, no pecan, just one dessert.

Hey, we all have to start somewhere, right?

TBM Says: Personally I feel like the whole no pumpkin pie thing is bullshit.  Pumpkins are super healthy after all.

Minus 5/Non-broken scale success

Lily Says: This week was SUCCESS!
Minus four pounds on the bod. All thanks to the Ethiopian Diet. I think I finally get what those kids do to get those twiggy bods. Though... I'm not really doing the ED on purpose. Sometimes, I really only have time for breakfast. Then classes until forever and work right after. By the time I get home it's like 1 am... also known as past my bedtime.

Total lost: 5 lbs.
I'm actually fine with that number. Yay!
I'm deathly afraid of gaining 5 times the weight I loss starting next Thursday. Stupid fucking turkey day. And I know what you're thinking "eat the veggies" and the "healthy stuff"... Let's be real here. I'm Mexican... and really those two things do not apply. Especially when you throw in a very horrible American holiday about killing people and eating them (may not be historically accurate... whatever).

The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says:  Congrats on the 5 pounds madame.  Look, we all need a simple Thanksgiving/holiday plan.  That is, we don't want to suffer the rest of our lives with bean sprouts while we watch others eat turkey and Christmas cookies for 4 months.  That is no way to live a life.  So, there should be a daily plan.  EAT Thanksgiving dinner, but only one serving (leftovers baby!)  Have a Christmas cookie, but make it one per day, or one per 6 hours or something.  Drink Tequila Lily, but limit it to 6 bottles a day, and only 1 at a time while driving.

This isn't that hard, we can do this!  Except for Lily.  It's 9:19AM her time, and I'm sure she's sloshed.

Lily Says:  Oh. 6! That's what it was.

Lorraine Says: Congrats on the five pounds, but... you are Mexican + major holiday coming up? Your only hope will be lots of poo.

Fine, whatever, I'm really worried about Thanksgiving too. Not eating at least two servings at Thanksgiving dinner is a sure sign to the family of bad, bad things:

1.) You didn't like the cooking, which means you should be punched in the face.
b.) You are in love. And you didn't tell anyone?!
cat.) You are sick, or possibly and most likely pregnant.

I don't want to be grilled about being pregnant guys. Because that will lead to a conversation about how sex is evil, and Lily can attest to all the health benefits of sex, but Lily will not be there. She will be on bottle 6.5 of tequila because it's an effin' holiday and she can have all the bottles she wants.

Drink to that my dear! Because if Thanksgiving is about anything, it's about our freedom to be fatasses. Wait. That might also be historically inaccurate.

The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says: Thanksgiving is all about us eating some Indian food so that we could give them all small pox and take over, so that Lily could come along some day with her big pox, which is what she calls her nipples.

Look it up, it's on wiki.

Lily Says: Yeah, the sexy time burns all the calories... and I think.... and highly suspect that the broken scale hella lied to me. This new scale is like hella cooler and doesn't lie. So I wouldn't be surprised if I lost like 3 lbs last week, and 2 pounds this week.

But I did pretty well for a week with no cardio. And no cardio = Lily's hella bitchy. And be proud of me, because I've been feeling sad... maybe also because I had no cardio, and have been wanting to eat my feelings... and drink them. But I didn't. Yay! Smiley Face!

Lorraine... I know what you mean! I'm thinking I'm going to go up to the buffet line twice... BUT am going to serve myself a little of everything. I'm thinking like teaspoons of mashed potatoes and stuffing... teaspoon of rice... teaspoon of turkey. This knocks out 1.

As for b. They all know I'm in love... except my grandma...

and cat... Jesus, if I were pregnant, then at least I'd know I was going to be at least 20 lbs lighter in 9 months. But if I were expecting, they'd all want to feed me more.... which really means I'd gain about 100 pounds. And THAT will kill the sex drive. Or so I hear.

Bret... your nipples are bigger than the bottom of a 64 oz fountain drink cup at 7-11. HEY-O!


TBM Says: Holy Shit...5 pounds?  Did you get a breast amputated?  Did you simply turn down 1 bottle of Vodka?  Hopefully not the first...  Who am I trying to kid?  Hopefully not the second either.

This year I'm not really dreading Thanksgiving so much.  There will only be 3 of us and 2 of us are diagnosed diabetics.  We're getting used to controlling the portions now too. 

I almost shit a brick when I started reading Bret's first comment.  I thought surely someone had hijacked his email account and decided to try and trick us into thinking he had a heart or something.  Upon completing my read I discovered Bret is still the heartless bastard we've all come to love or tolerate...whichever applies.

As Bret didn't say it, I will...Lor rhymes with whore.  No wonder your family would question you about pregnancy hon...

Bah! Broken Scales Suck

Lily Says: So, this past week I partook in a little Ethiopian diet, no sleep, super stress, and only eating goldfish and water.

I stepped on the scale, and I only lost one pound. WTF?! Am I using Bret's scale? I think so. I don't even know how it's possible to have only lost so little considering my intake was close to nothing.

Dieting is harder than I thought when you're not being aided. I went to GNC and thought about buying diet pills. But I remember taking those guys in high school and feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, I decided not to get them and just buy some meal replacements since I can't always be near a place where I can buy or make food, so a bottle of water + meal replacement = actual substance in my tummy.

Let's at least go for two pounds shed next week.


Lorraine Says: One pound coming from the girl who was having sex for 24 hours?! I think you're doing it wrong. Maybe not enough Poo?

Also, I thought about using some sort of aid. I mean, I come from a Dominican background and we've got a remedy/plant/tea/aunt with pills FOR EVERYTHING.

I mentioned to my cousin that I was trying to loose weight and she fished out a little green "Chinese pill" from her purse that she told me to try out and see if I wanted more, wink, wink.

That green pill is still on my dresser looking at me. I'm afraid guys. I'm very afraid.

Also, when I read that you were eating goldfish, I immediately assumed you meant like little alive, swimmy, goldfish. Which is actually better than if you mean those cheesy montronsities known as Goldfish. I FUDGIN' HATE THOSE.

Goldfish are the food of hell. 

Lily Says: I think I lost more, but I gained it back because we had super Mexican food on Sunday which really translate to, I ate alot of rice. 

But, this week = 48 hours of sex....

Bret Says: I think Lily only lost a pound because for at least 24 hours she was shoving everything she could inside of her.  I'm just not talking about her mouth...

and Lor, I'm sorry I have to do this, but by God did you ignite a pet peeve of mine.

It's LOSE not LOOSE.  LOSE.  LOSE.  One O.  LOSE.

Lose is when you no longer have something you previously had, or when you don't finish in first in a competition.

Loose is what you are on Saturday nights.

Lily Says: Bret, we're Hispanic... sometimes when we say words, they sound like other things... But remember that one time that I edited your blog post? That was fun.

Also, please take back your scale. I'm sure I lost more than one pound. Your stupid scale is broken and is proving so. 

Lorraine Says: SERIOUSLY?!

Is that what we're doing now, is nitpicking spelling and grammar? Because I'm pretty sure if I just go back...

This is something you sent us yesterday:

"I'm still trying to figure out it what way you meant "little stroke" though either might be accurate."

SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHAT. If you need help figuring out how to, stuff a sausage down your throat and hold.

And that's funny, I saw you on a Saturday and turned down your sexual advances, so I must not be that loose. 

Bret Says: My God, look at you little vultures.

I could have pointed out millions of things, but didn't because we all make mistakes, however I cannot stand "loose" for lose.  It must be stopped.

Of course this is a silly conversation, the only word the two of you will need to know is the word "gain."

As in, "When my uncle threw the Kit-Kat bar on the ground I bent over to eat it and it caused me to gain two pounds.  Also, since he took me from behind I am now carrying his incestual fetus.  Does anyone know a Hispanic abortionist, or should I just ask some of the drug cartels to shoot me in the stomach?  Hey!  Maybe that's the one way I could actually lose weight!  Oh excuse me, my silly uncle just dropped a nutter butter."

Now you try.

Lorraine Says:  Nobody cares what you can't stand.

What must be stopped are your lonely heart attacks, the lie you keep spreading about having a girlfriend, your frequent visits to just outside of Lily's window, and that second helping of everything.

Get back to me on my typo when all these things are accomplished.

And putting together that nifty little example you used about gaining weight, plus the fact that you love sausage plus the fact that you gained 16 pounds right at the start of this all, I'd venture to say that you know a thing or two about dropped Kit Kats and taking it from behind.

(This would be a good place to insert the definition of "loose," as in, your asshole.)

Bret Says: Whore.

Lily Says: So, sorry I posted this shit so late. My intention was to post this at school... but that fucking shit is always down. And for the two minutes the network actually works, it loads facebook and then it says you're not connected. 

PS. Where are Mr & Mrs TBM?!

"Oh-nos, eatin' them ding-dongs and hohos"

I have to agree that this weekend was horrible to start a diet. 

I mean, c’mon, really? Halloween and I’m not supposed to eat candy… I mean, sure, I have an apple… but it’s a taffy apple. Caramel. Peanuts. Almonds. Oh yay! … but it’s just sitting there, on my desk. Lonely. I’ll probably give it away. But who knows… maybe I’ll decide I really really really need that taffy apple. 

But to serve as inspiration:

Ignore that pink stains on my otherwise perfectly fine white polo. It was a rough night of drinking. And I believe we were drinking X-Rated and Sprites … or pink margaritas. That is the girl I ate, apparently. This was me at about 140 lbs. Then slowly I began drinking my calories in vodka. And sometimes potatoes or grilled cheese sammies, and occassionally tomato soup. 

So this is how it goes: 

- No McDonald’s. Or fast food in general. Because, really, you don’t need that. 

- No soda/carbonated beverages.

- This one kills me but …. No BOOZE. And this one is the hardest because, really, I would die if I were not able to drink at least a gin and tonic, or vodka tonic…. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right? 

- Limit bread/tortilla intake. Oh yeah, trust me. This is hard. Because being Mexican you can eat anything with tortillas… and along with booze, it’s gonna be hard not to reach for the tortilla at dinner.

So, really, diet started yesterday. 

Witless Exposition Says: The second post and we're still talking about eating people? We're going to start getting a serious reputation.
Don't feel like you have to give up booze forever, drunkeness looks good on you. Besides, vodka can't have that many calories, right? Right? RIGHT?


Bret Says: I'm sorry, are you people not getting this?  This is a diet blog, not a "someday, if I were to diet I would..."

These have to be the least successful attempts to diet ever.  People aren't even making it to their first POST.  

And Lily, you might as well quit the blog now.  Seriously.  You'll never make it.  No drinking?  You named your blog after alcohol.  The picture of the person you want to be involves a drunken booze-stained whore who looks like she went off and offered to "throw her weight around" with a few guys.  

Let's just admit that your diet is over right now.  Good job, you almost made it all the way to the start of a diet, but it was just too much for you.

So what do you guys say, should me take applications for a 5th person?  It could be a lot of fun to read people's accounts of why they are fat enough to join our pursuit of health, while Lily sits at home dipping tortilla shells in tequila and chocolate.  

Lorraine Says: Oh Bret. Have you lost all faith? Obviously if Lily is going to fail for any reason, it'll be because she's going to die from alcohol withdrawal. Seriously, she's gonna die from lack of gin and tonic. That's what she said.

It's a sad way to go, but maybe by the time she actually kicks the bucket, she'll have lost a few pounds. Then people can say, "Well she was a lot more fun when she was fat, but at least she finally lost some weight!"

I'm just really happy that I won't be the first to die/quit/cry/develop an eating disorder. Maybe that's the logistics of it all (I am Wednesday after all) but a victory is a victory.

Dammit, do I want a flood of applications from fat people. I know you all want in on this support-less mess so desperately that you would consider sending all applications to me and a massive flood of cupcakes to TBM, Bret and The Wife. Win them over with sugar. Do it now.

I'll miss Lily, though.

I totally call that taffy apple, though. 

Witless Exposition Says: Lor, you can have the apple...I might fight you for the leftover booze though.
Lily, why did you have to mention tortillas? TBM got a crazy look in his eye tonight at the thought of dessert quesadillas. I think he's going to try and make them with the leftover Halloween candy...and then I'll eat them...and then kill him.
And it'll all be your fault.

TBM Says: I don't know Lor...I've heard of severe cases of fatassitus killing people off.  And that tell tale wine stain is just one of the many signs that our dear Lily has reached the point of no return.  I mean for some people it's Cheetohs and some people it's booze...but rest assured Lor, we'll find your weakness sooner or later.

We already know Bret's weakness...money.  A simple solution for a simple man.  And the wife will be brought down by the glory that is the chocolate quesadilla.  Obviously we'll need to get our dear Lily a couple cases of the cheapest wine around.  I fully expect her to be a cheap drunk...

As for me...with the sausage fest behind me, I expect to get back on track rather quickly.  After all, if I can lose 6 pounds without trying...I'm sure to crush you all if I do.

Lily Says:  Okay... can you die from alcohol withdrawl? Like really? This is of serious concern!!!!! 

Bret is suffering from Non-reading-itis. It kills one American a year. 

TBM.... I may be a quitter, and a non-dieter, or a sloppy drunk... but cheap drunk... NEVER! 

Mrs. TBM, first things first... where was I when the button was made?! I want! Second... tortillas are like effin' killer. They're like Mexican crack. 

Quesadillas for all!

Bret Says:  Trying Bear?  You will try for 5 minutes, get exhausted, and then start spooning Nestle Quick powder straight from the package.

And Lily, it sounds like Non-reading-itis kills far fewer Americans than Mexican Drug Cartels.  I realize that it isn't likely that you are part of one of these, but I'm fairly certain you would hide evidence for them in exchange for a fun pack of skittles and a half can of Pabst.  But no, you're right.  You're not a cheap drunk.

I think we should all try to avoid dying for now; I would hate for mt final act on this planet to be crushing pal bearers beneath the weight of my fat butt.

Also, if I die, please don't let Bear come to my funeral.  I would be defenseless if he went for a taste of my sausage.

Stay tuned...