Push It

Lorraine Says: This week was not a great food week. I mean, there were no crazy sausage shenanigans, like the ones Bret is famous for, and I didn't drink my weight in vodka a la Lily, so in perspective, it was terrible but it wasn't great either. When I slipped up on my diet, I made it count. Cheesecake, in fact, seemed to be the theme of the week.

I only had a slice, promise. PROMISE.

But I ate all of this. Yep. All of it.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about really; I'm here today to convey to you all my strong dislike of Jillian Michaels.

See, I'm a weenie that doesn't like to work out by herself. When Rox can't gym, I might walk with Penny. When Penny can't walk, I'll go work out with my good friend Venus. Venus' poison of choice is a slew of work out videos (er, DVD's) she buys, sort of like one would buy crack. Or wait, how I would buy zebra cakes.

Anyways, whenever I'm working out with her, she subjects me to Jillian.

Now, I understand that Jillian hasn't really done anything to me, exactly, but you're also talking to the girl who's most viewed post is all about how much she hates that bitch Dora the Explorer. (I almost wrote 'Dora the fucking Explorer.' That just sounds like a terrible porn. Different sort of Cardio, folks. Different sort.)

Anyways, here's what I hate:

1.) Don't fucking tell me I'm doing a good job. I'm not sure what sort of condescending prick decided we need positive reinforcement from SOMEONE WHO CAN'T SEE US. Venus bought a new DVD the other day, a Dancing with the Stars one, and we sat on her couch eating crackers and watching it, laughing every time the dumb girl told us we looked great. Thanks lady.

2.) When she tells me to "push it." Uh, no.

3.) When this ho doesn't even do half of her own exercises and then tells me not to give up.

4.) When she is doing the exercises, and talking at the same time, not even out of breath, while I'm dying.

5.) Her face.

I've pretty much given into the fact that the morning gym will never ever happen for me. It's not the waking up, it's the getting out of bed, and putting pants on and stuff that gets to me. So, I'm going to try and do some of this Jillian crap in the morning.

Let's see how this goes.

ETA: It went for like 10 minutes before I wanted to puke. Jillian must be onto Lily's method of puke-ercise.





Anatomically Incorrect (Or The Other Shake Weight)

Lorraine Says:  I've been quite looking forward to writing my entry this week, because dammit, I finally am doing a good job. If dieting and I had a nasty break-up over the holidays, it seems like this week we've worked out our differences and apologized to each other for all the mean things we said.

Basically, I started doing all the little things I was doing before - eating smaller portions, drinking tons of water, trying my BEST to eliminate the multiple-bars-of-chocolate I eat a day, no fast food, and just smarter choices. Great. That's where I was before the holiday meltdown.

But, my dear fluffy companions, I did something this week that I'm sure none of you ever expected of me: CARDIO. No, Jesus, not THAT type of cardio. Not Lily's favorite past time cardio. Real, legitshit, at the gym cardio.

That's right kids, I made my triumphant return to the gym this week. I guess that if me and dieting are back together now, the gym is the equivalent of the make-up sex.

Getting back there wasn't as terrible as I always anticipate. Sure, Roxanne and I go to the cheap gym in our hood, where at any given moment you may 1.) see all of your graduating class b.) the parking lot smells like weed or cat.) have to walk two blocks from the nearest parking spot to the gym, but for whatever reason, most of these cheap gym pitfalls were avoided.

All of my hard work was rewarded with a nice -2 pounds. 


Lily Says: So where is this "weed gym". I bet I can manage a -3 pound drop with this drug gym. Or +3 because of the munchies.

But you should also try the OTHER cardio. It's just as good. And I hear something about endorphins doing something that blah blah blah talking out my ass ...

Lorraine Says: Just so we're clear, I don't know anything about the parking lot of this gym, ifyouknowwhatImean. I can at least boast virgin lungs ya'll.

Speaking of which, you really don't have to sell me on the benefits of other-cardio. That stuff sells itself.

Lily Says: We all needs something that's a virgin on us, right? Now to think of one..

I'm jealous of your weight loss. I'm going to go stuff my face now.

The Bear Monk Says: Equating the gym to sex?  Clearly you're doing it wrong.

Bret Says: My assumption is that your idea of a workout is something along the lines of using some sort of generic version of a "shake weight."  And by "generic version" I mean your "14 year-old cousin's penis.

Lorraine Says: Please. If jacking off could substitute for a shake weight, you wouldn't be fat, now would you Bret? Even though we all suspect you aren't exactly packing much, I'm sure a lonely guy like would be a good test subject for this "generic" shake weight theory.

In other news, I have no need for cousins or 14 year olds thanksomuch.

Little Wee Wee Bret Says: No need for 14 year olds?  I had no idea your stash of 12 year olds was so plentiful.

Lily Says: This is funny. I don't know what is funny about it. I think thinking about a fat guy with no pee pee is hilarious to me. Hahahaha Bret has no pee pee.