Hell is Never Losing Weight

Lorraine Says: I've lost my will to diet. I don't even know what else to say other than that. It's like I need a diet nap. I'm a bit exhausted, a bit disillusioned, and a lot in love with free holiday cookies at work. 'Tis the season.

I hopped on my stupid, defective, inconsistent and poorly made Scale of Random Numbers this morning (no, I still haven't bought a new one...) and it told me I was still squarely where I was last time I checked like two weeks ago. I'm not surprised. To make matters all worse, here comes Christmas.

Actually, this Christmas won't even be so bad. I think perhaps Santa gifted me with the best possible way to do the least amount of holiday dinner damage: Our family will be going to Orlando to spend the weekend there.

See, usually we celebrate on the 24th with a ginormous family dinner followed by waiting for midnight to open gifts. And by "waiting for midnight" I obviously mean "nibbling on every snack available in order to pass the time more quickly."

Christmas is bad.

But! Since we'll be out of town, Christmas dinner will be downgraded from ginormous to simply big. Also, snacking will be limited as no one wants to pack the amount of food we usually consume. See? It's a Christmas miracle.

Can you all just call me after the New Year too? I'm pretty sure that's what the Ethiopians do, anyways.

Little Tiny Bret Says: Even Ethiopians feast at Christmas.  The roast the bones of the famine dead loved ones that died the previous month.  For desert they have the almost dead.

The Wife Says: We're going to hell for this.  Well, maybe just Bret. The rest of us will get time in purgatory or something.

 Lorraine Says: I'm pretty sure we'll all be skinny in hell. Or maybe hell is never eating but still being fat.

Noooooooooo...!!

The triumphant return of Ethiopians and Bret's racism

Witless Exposition: I'm really excited that every time I weighed myself this week, the trend was down.  So I can unequivocally say that I have lost a whole pound this week.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but both my doctor and my internet research says 1-2 pounds lost a week is really what you should aim for.  It's safe for your body, and it's more likely to stay off if you lose it slowly.  Your body has a chance to get used to the change instead of thinking that you're a starving Ethiopian and holding on to every fat cell it can get its grubby little hands on.

I'm very proud of myself this week.  While we haven't worked out every day, each time we've gone, I felt less like dying.  I'm still at a level where my body is working hard (my heart rate is in the target for aerobic exercise each time), and the circuit room weight still makes me work, but I don't have to stop to catch my breath anymore, and I'm able to do a little more/go a little faster each day.

As far as the food front this week: I've splurged a little on several days, BUT each day I did, I made sure I ate less calories for my lunches/dinners.  I.e. salad for lunch with a single pack of chocolate ice cream.  I was still in my range of healthy carbs per meal, and since I don't really do dressing much, the salad filled me up, but didn't pack a big calorie punch.  I'm starting to learn that I really, actually, and honestly can do this whole portion control thing.

So if I keep going at the rate I am now, I have roughly nine months before I hit my first weight goal.  That's a bit depressing, but it no longer feels impossible.

Lorraine: If we all keep doing well, what the hell do we blog about? So, um, how about those Ethiopians?

The Bear Monk: I actually got to try Ethiopian food once...it's apparently pretty big in the greater DC area.  I have to say...I really liked it but I can definitely tell why they're so damn skinny...other then the whole famine thing.  That shit was SPICY.

 Lily: Mexican food is spicy... Why am I not skinny?!

Oh, right. Most of it is deep fried.

The Bear Monk: I'm glad to see that logic is finally prevailing with you Lily.  These Ethiopian folks apparently cook their meats in some crazy spicy sauces and then throw raw jalapeños on top for good measure.  I know...I tried one to see what it was.  It was not NOT a green pepper. 

Lily: Bwahahahaa. I'm going to try to not fry anymore food. 

Slightly Fishy or something: You'll feel a lot better after you stop frying food lily.  It is far more satisfying when someone else does it for you.

Minus 5/Non-broken scale success

Lily Says: This week was SUCCESS!
Minus four pounds on the bod. All thanks to the Ethiopian Diet. I think I finally get what those kids do to get those twiggy bods. Though... I'm not really doing the ED on purpose. Sometimes, I really only have time for breakfast. Then classes until forever and work right after. By the time I get home it's like 1 am... also known as past my bedtime.

Total lost: 5 lbs.
I'm actually fine with that number. Yay!
I'm deathly afraid of gaining 5 times the weight I loss starting next Thursday. Stupid fucking turkey day. And I know what you're thinking "eat the veggies" and the "healthy stuff"... Let's be real here. I'm Mexican... and really those two things do not apply. Especially when you throw in a very horrible American holiday about killing people and eating them (may not be historically accurate... whatever).

The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says:  Congrats on the 5 pounds madame.  Look, we all need a simple Thanksgiving/holiday plan.  That is, we don't want to suffer the rest of our lives with bean sprouts while we watch others eat turkey and Christmas cookies for 4 months.  That is no way to live a life.  So, there should be a daily plan.  EAT Thanksgiving dinner, but only one serving (leftovers baby!)  Have a Christmas cookie, but make it one per day, or one per 6 hours or something.  Drink Tequila Lily, but limit it to 6 bottles a day, and only 1 at a time while driving.

This isn't that hard, we can do this!  Except for Lily.  It's 9:19AM her time, and I'm sure she's sloshed.

Lily Says:  Oh. 6! That's what it was.

Lorraine Says: Congrats on the five pounds, but... you are Mexican + major holiday coming up? Your only hope will be lots of poo.

Fine, whatever, I'm really worried about Thanksgiving too. Not eating at least two servings at Thanksgiving dinner is a sure sign to the family of bad, bad things:

1.) You didn't like the cooking, which means you should be punched in the face.
b.) You are in love. And you didn't tell anyone?!
cat.) You are sick, or possibly and most likely pregnant.

I don't want to be grilled about being pregnant guys. Because that will lead to a conversation about how sex is evil, and Lily can attest to all the health benefits of sex, but Lily will not be there. She will be on bottle 6.5 of tequila because it's an effin' holiday and she can have all the bottles she wants.

Drink to that my dear! Because if Thanksgiving is about anything, it's about our freedom to be fatasses. Wait. That might also be historically inaccurate.

The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says: Thanksgiving is all about us eating some Indian food so that we could give them all small pox and take over, so that Lily could come along some day with her big pox, which is what she calls her nipples.

Look it up, it's on wiki.

Lily Says: Yeah, the sexy time burns all the calories... and I think.... and highly suspect that the broken scale hella lied to me. This new scale is like hella cooler and doesn't lie. So I wouldn't be surprised if I lost like 3 lbs last week, and 2 pounds this week.

But I did pretty well for a week with no cardio. And no cardio = Lily's hella bitchy. And be proud of me, because I've been feeling sad... maybe also because I had no cardio, and have been wanting to eat my feelings... and drink them. But I didn't. Yay! Smiley Face!

Lorraine... I know what you mean! I'm thinking I'm going to go up to the buffet line twice... BUT am going to serve myself a little of everything. I'm thinking like teaspoons of mashed potatoes and stuffing... teaspoon of rice... teaspoon of turkey. This knocks out 1.

As for b. They all know I'm in love... except my grandma...

and cat... Jesus, if I were pregnant, then at least I'd know I was going to be at least 20 lbs lighter in 9 months. But if I were expecting, they'd all want to feed me more.... which really means I'd gain about 100 pounds. And THAT will kill the sex drive. Or so I hear.

Bret... your nipples are bigger than the bottom of a 64 oz fountain drink cup at 7-11. HEY-O!


TBM Says: Holy Shit...5 pounds?  Did you get a breast amputated?  Did you simply turn down 1 bottle of Vodka?  Hopefully not the first...  Who am I trying to kid?  Hopefully not the second either.

This year I'm not really dreading Thanksgiving so much.  There will only be 3 of us and 2 of us are diagnosed diabetics.  We're getting used to controlling the portions now too. 

I almost shit a brick when I started reading Bret's first comment.  I thought surely someone had hijacked his email account and decided to try and trick us into thinking he had a heart or something.  Upon completing my read I discovered Bret is still the heartless bastard we've all come to love or tolerate...whichever applies.

As Bret didn't say it, I will...Lor rhymes with whore.  No wonder your family would question you about pregnancy hon...

Bah! Broken Scales Suck

Lily Says: So, this past week I partook in a little Ethiopian diet, no sleep, super stress, and only eating goldfish and water.

I stepped on the scale, and I only lost one pound. WTF?! Am I using Bret's scale? I think so. I don't even know how it's possible to have only lost so little considering my intake was close to nothing.

Dieting is harder than I thought when you're not being aided. I went to GNC and thought about buying diet pills. But I remember taking those guys in high school and feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, I decided not to get them and just buy some meal replacements since I can't always be near a place where I can buy or make food, so a bottle of water + meal replacement = actual substance in my tummy.

Let's at least go for two pounds shed next week.


Lorraine Says: One pound coming from the girl who was having sex for 24 hours?! I think you're doing it wrong. Maybe not enough Poo?

Also, I thought about using some sort of aid. I mean, I come from a Dominican background and we've got a remedy/plant/tea/aunt with pills FOR EVERYTHING.

I mentioned to my cousin that I was trying to loose weight and she fished out a little green "Chinese pill" from her purse that she told me to try out and see if I wanted more, wink, wink.

That green pill is still on my dresser looking at me. I'm afraid guys. I'm very afraid.

Also, when I read that you were eating goldfish, I immediately assumed you meant like little alive, swimmy, goldfish. Which is actually better than if you mean those cheesy montronsities known as Goldfish. I FUDGIN' HATE THOSE.

Goldfish are the food of hell. 

Lily Says: I think I lost more, but I gained it back because we had super Mexican food on Sunday which really translate to, I ate alot of rice. 

But, this week = 48 hours of sex....

Bret Says: I think Lily only lost a pound because for at least 24 hours she was shoving everything she could inside of her.  I'm just not talking about her mouth...

and Lor, I'm sorry I have to do this, but by God did you ignite a pet peeve of mine.

It's LOSE not LOOSE.  LOSE.  LOSE.  One O.  LOSE.

Lose is when you no longer have something you previously had, or when you don't finish in first in a competition.

Loose is what you are on Saturday nights.

Lily Says: Bret, we're Hispanic... sometimes when we say words, they sound like other things... But remember that one time that I edited your blog post? That was fun.

Also, please take back your scale. I'm sure I lost more than one pound. Your stupid scale is broken and is proving so. 

Lorraine Says: SERIOUSLY?!

Is that what we're doing now, is nitpicking spelling and grammar? Because I'm pretty sure if I just go back...

This is something you sent us yesterday:

"I'm still trying to figure out it what way you meant "little stroke" though either might be accurate."

SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHAT. If you need help figuring out how to, stuff a sausage down your throat and hold.

And that's funny, I saw you on a Saturday and turned down your sexual advances, so I must not be that loose. 

Bret Says: My God, look at you little vultures.

I could have pointed out millions of things, but didn't because we all make mistakes, however I cannot stand "loose" for lose.  It must be stopped.

Of course this is a silly conversation, the only word the two of you will need to know is the word "gain."

As in, "When my uncle threw the Kit-Kat bar on the ground I bent over to eat it and it caused me to gain two pounds.  Also, since he took me from behind I am now carrying his incestual fetus.  Does anyone know a Hispanic abortionist, or should I just ask some of the drug cartels to shoot me in the stomach?  Hey!  Maybe that's the one way I could actually lose weight!  Oh excuse me, my silly uncle just dropped a nutter butter."

Now you try.

Lorraine Says:  Nobody cares what you can't stand.

What must be stopped are your lonely heart attacks, the lie you keep spreading about having a girlfriend, your frequent visits to just outside of Lily's window, and that second helping of everything.

Get back to me on my typo when all these things are accomplished.

And putting together that nifty little example you used about gaining weight, plus the fact that you love sausage plus the fact that you gained 16 pounds right at the start of this all, I'd venture to say that you know a thing or two about dropped Kit Kats and taking it from behind.

(This would be a good place to insert the definition of "loose," as in, your asshole.)

Bret Says: Whore.

Lily Says: So, sorry I posted this shit so late. My intention was to post this at school... but that fucking shit is always down. And for the two minutes the network actually works, it loads facebook and then it says you're not connected. 

PS. Where are Mr & Mrs TBM?!