Push It

Lorraine Says: This week was not a great food week. I mean, there were no crazy sausage shenanigans, like the ones Bret is famous for, and I didn't drink my weight in vodka a la Lily, so in perspective, it was terrible but it wasn't great either. When I slipped up on my diet, I made it count. Cheesecake, in fact, seemed to be the theme of the week.

I only had a slice, promise. PROMISE.

But I ate all of this. Yep. All of it.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about really; I'm here today to convey to you all my strong dislike of Jillian Michaels.

See, I'm a weenie that doesn't like to work out by herself. When Rox can't gym, I might walk with Penny. When Penny can't walk, I'll go work out with my good friend Venus. Venus' poison of choice is a slew of work out videos (er, DVD's) she buys, sort of like one would buy crack. Or wait, how I would buy zebra cakes.

Anyways, whenever I'm working out with her, she subjects me to Jillian.

Now, I understand that Jillian hasn't really done anything to me, exactly, but you're also talking to the girl who's most viewed post is all about how much she hates that bitch Dora the Explorer. (I almost wrote 'Dora the fucking Explorer.' That just sounds like a terrible porn. Different sort of Cardio, folks. Different sort.)

Anyways, here's what I hate:

1.) Don't fucking tell me I'm doing a good job. I'm not sure what sort of condescending prick decided we need positive reinforcement from SOMEONE WHO CAN'T SEE US. Venus bought a new DVD the other day, a Dancing with the Stars one, and we sat on her couch eating crackers and watching it, laughing every time the dumb girl told us we looked great. Thanks lady.

2.) When she tells me to "push it." Uh, no.

3.) When this ho doesn't even do half of her own exercises and then tells me not to give up.

4.) When she is doing the exercises, and talking at the same time, not even out of breath, while I'm dying.

5.) Her face.

I've pretty much given into the fact that the morning gym will never ever happen for me. It's not the waking up, it's the getting out of bed, and putting pants on and stuff that gets to me. So, I'm going to try and do some of this Jillian crap in the morning.

Let's see how this goes.

ETA: It went for like 10 minutes before I wanted to puke. Jillian must be onto Lily's method of puke-ercise.





Emotional Breakdowns = Weight Loss

Lily says: I’ve pulled a Bret and didn’t post for two weeks.

I had an emotional breakdown (sort of) and then stressed out about
school - for nothing, again.

But, all in all it was a good 2 weeks. Maybe not in my life, but the
losing weight.

I had no appetite. Had no Cardio and no cardio. BUT! Managed to lose 4
pounds the first week, and 2 the second. So maybe the key to losing
weight is 1) cry like a bitch for 14 days and 2) lose your appetite so
you won’t eat.

Either way, I’m still better than Bret.

Lorraine says: If crying like a bitch had anything to do with weight, Bret wouldn't have been fat in the first place, no?

Lily says: Yeah, probably. But he fails at mostly everything: Inflatable

girlfriends, blogging, life, etc.

How's that 5K training going, Bret?

Lorraine says: If Bret were chasing me, I'd run a 5k.

Lily says: A marathon even.

I like that Gmail put on my side bar "more about ... 5K beginner, training and schedules" Do you need this, Bret? 

Sloth to 5K says: I have successfully ran all 3 days of my couch to 5k thank you very much.  And also, I have given up french fries for lent.  AND I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT JESUS.

I think this is good for you Lily, not only that you lost weight, but also that you had an emotional breakdown and cried for two weeks.  It shows that your brain has developed enough for you to realize how truly awful your life is.  Congratulations.

Lily says: Thanks. Maybe next Lent you can give up Haterade.

Shrinkage

Lorraine Says: This has been one of my best weeks since this all started. I'm doing well about eating before I'm dying, I'm still drinking lots of water, and my stomach has apparently shrunk - it takes a lot less to make me full than it did before.

I know, I know. I'm amazing. But just so I don't give you all inferiority complexes, I'll just tell you about how flippin' cold it's been lately. And by cold I mean 30's-40's-50's. This to me is torture. I'm not prepared for the cold. I don't want to be prepared for the cold. I am not amused by this dip in temperatures.

It's like I'm cold blooded. Something about the cooler temps makes me want to go into a lizard-coma. Getting out of bed is a mission. Getting out of the house is a bigger mission. Staying active at all? Mission impossible.

So while with each passing weeks I'm gaining significant ground in my quest to not eat like a third grader, I have yet to get my proposed active lifestyle off the ground.

Also, my scale is totally defective. I have no idea where I actually stand with weight so until I buy a new one (today at lunch? Maybe.) we'll be happy to cheer my new eating habits on. Not too loudly, though. I'll probably be napping.


Mini-Sausage Bret Says: Who cares about your stomach.  Did anything else shrink?


Lorraine Says: Aaaand now my mind is off with me to the land of your shrunken sausage.

Size matters, guys. Size totally matters.


Lily Says: It even matters with imaginary girlfriends.


The Wife Says: If Bret shows you "proof" of his girlfriend, don't believe him.
http://www.nerdist.com/2010/12/theres-an-app-for-reminding-you-that-your-life-didnt-go-the-way-youd-hoped/

Dealing with my asshole

Witless says:
As I sat down today to try to figure out what to write, I took a look back at our posts this weeks.  I think we've all hit a major hurdle in our quest for healthier lifestyles.  This made me think about all the awful, terrible things I've done food wise this week and my relationship with food overall.  This morning I had an insight:

My relationship with food is exactly like my relationship with Asshole (my late high school, early college boyfriend)!

At the the beginning of the relationship everything was new and fresh, and when he screwed up, I just chalked it up to him being human. Then as he began to become more passive aggressive in our interactions I began to doubt where this relationship was going.  But not enough to break up, because most of the time he was nice (or so I told myself) and I thought I loved him.  By the end, I was being ignored and taken advantage of (and taken for granted), but I didn't leave even though I knew there were better things out there because it was habit and comfortable.  I knew what to expect from him, even if it was generally shitty behavior.  Then I had a wake up call and with the help of friends and a certain cute Bear, I had the guts to end it and move on.

It's not a unique story, I'm sure we have all had more or less the same experience, except maybe for Bret and his blow up doll.  Now for the food part:

I know all the things I'm supposed to be doing.  I haven't lived in a cave or in Amish country, so I know what's good for me: lots of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains; lean meats and sparingly used red meat; no sodas (even diet) or man-made created foods; at least 30-60 minutes of activity a day with a heavy focus on cardio.  That's the better out there waiting for me.

But I've lived for 27 years with my current status quo.  I know it's bad for me. I know it's taking years off my life and effecting my health.  But it's comfortable.  And for every time I get heartburn from crappy fast food, I have a few moments of bliss with a Blizzard or a piece of cake.

Making the kind of radical change I want and need to make is scary.  And it's not as simple as people want to make it out to be.  It's not just a case of will power or knowledge.  It's going against 27 years of what I know, into something brand new.  Which is scary and intimidating as hell.

Sorry to get so preachy, maudlin, whatever you want to call it.  So to lighten the mood:

Bret has a small penis. Lily is an alcoholic. Lorraine is lonely and has an imaginary best friend. Bear likes sausage.

Lorraine says:
I pretty much know what you mean. Even though there is knowledge in our heads, that has to constantly fight against experience. I mean, my dad used to take us every so often to eat chocolate frosted doughnuts before dropping us off at school. After dinner he'd always have a chocolate bar, which he'd kindly share with his three girls. My dad is a walking stick. Like a size 29. So glad he could pass on the habits and not the genes.

I probably giggled as I read through as I saw that you were going to discuss your relationship with assholes. Of course I went back and saw it was a particular Asshole, but whatever. I'll probably still think you and Bear bond over things like sausages and assholes. 

Lily says: 
You're preaching to the choir. It's so much easier to eat all the processed crap than to like make something healthy. I'd rather eat a pizza puff than to steam some veggies. Plus when I'm sad, it's easier to eat pizza and drink beer or vodka than to reach for, I don't know, trail mix. 

But on another note: I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Tricky Fish says: 
So to sum this all up, Bear is getting sloppy seconds?

Bear says: 
LALALALALALALALALALALAL I'M NOT LISTENING LALALALALALALALALALALA I hate you Bret.

Lily says:
Bret is an asshole sometimes. Meanie Bret. 

Lorraine says:
So what you're all saying is that Wife dated Bret the Asshole until she left him for Bear who likes sausages?!

*grabs popcorn*

Er... Non-fat popcorn? 

Lily says:
Kettle corn is low in the fat stuff, care for some, Lor? 

Lorraine says:
Aaaand there goes Lily offering me food. Now the post is complete. 

Lily says:
I love you all! 

Can I start over?

Lily says: I'm deathly afraid of stepping on the scale this week. Thanksgiving extravaganza was horrible. There was too much food and what not. And it was pointless do Ethiopian Diet the weeks leading up to T-gives. Not to mention that there were no Lily-friendly foods at our table. I don't eat pork. And freaking people in my family decide "well 2010 Thanksgiving is ALL PORK-GIVING". Gee, thanks. Assholes. So I ate nothing but mashed potatoes and arroz con gandules (which threw me for a loop, I didn't know I was now Puerto Rican).

So let's start over.

Egg white omelette for breakfast. GO!

TBM says: I assume when you say what not, you mean vodka...and seriously, no pork?  What other reason do we have to shamble along through this meaningless triviality called life then to consume mass quantities of smoked, baked, or fried pork?

Lily Says: yeah no pork. pork = gross. I hate the way it smells when it's being cooked.

Stupid Face-Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead AKA Bret says: bad memories of when your older cousin made you do horrible things to him while cooking up some pig?

 

Oh, and this week has really made me open up my eyes about this blog.  I think instead of weight loss it should turn into a celebration of being fat.

Lor says: It certainly isn't a celebration. I mean, we all enjoy food, sex and some of us even like booze, but I'm not sure anyone is thrilled about being overweight. 

We feel bad for our ways, Bret. I mean, I do. You might be happy. Does this mean you have sausage in your mouth again?

"Title, Jesus Christ, I don't know. Make fun of you."

Tricky Fish Says: 271--I think that's down 3 more pounds from last week and 14 total.  This one even included my girlfriend's birthday and a very nice breakfast buffet where I had to continuously tell myself not to "get my money's worth"

I have continued to eat healthy, and yes, drink almost exclusively water (something I was doing before this diet anyway).  This is because I'm not an idiot and have researched why water, and being even more thirst, and drinking even more water is good for you.

Take this one random link...

http://ezinearticles.com/?Drink,-Drink,-Drink---How-Water-Increases-Metabolism&id=1001158

Water is fantastic for you.  The fact that you haven't been drinking this much water before means that your body was simply adjusting to the Arizona life style that is being in your body.  With the water though?  It's begging for more.  It cleans out your system, hydrates you, helps with your joints, it does everything.  Whereas studies clearly show that zebra cakes are only about 80% as good as water.

O.K. Back to me.  My girlfriend made me stir fry last night with something called "toe foow" which is otherwise known as "not food."  However she flavored it like food, and as an Ethiopian, I gobbled it down.  I even invited her to make it again if she wants.  In fact, to be honest with you, with her making my food recently (I cannot cook, only order out) I honestly have to wonder when the last time I ate meat was.  I know that answer is easy for bear, it was the last time he was on his knees, or this morning.



Lorraine Says: I know water is good for you, idiot, that's why I'm drinking it.

Not good for you? This imaginary girlfriend that you keep trying to sell us. Now she's cooking for you? Right.

Also not good? Being consumed with thoughts of Bear and all the meat  he eats. It's clear to me that you are. Seriously, this obssession with all of our sex lives has got to be as unhealthy as a box of zebra cakes. Probably worse.


The Wife Says: I'm pretty sure that Tricky's "girlfriend" is really just his mother.  Maybe an aunt if we're lucky.

How good is he at photoshop? Because the next step is he's going to show us a photograph as "proof." 


Lorraine: As an ending side note, Tricky asked me to post this for him, which is why you'll see my name down below. And when asked what I should title the post about his fake girlfriend, his love of Bear's man-meat, the fact that he's dating his mom or aunt or both, the lovely gem of a quote that is now the title of this post is what he gave me.

Real original kid. Real original.

The Great Water Myth

Lorraine Says: Aside from the occasional (and almost medicinal) cup of coffee, I've managed to phase every other drink out of my life. It's all me and water now.

"Oh, great Lorraine! Good job. How are you feeling? All thirst quenched?"

NO. Dammit.

This is the stupidest thing ever, because as I've increased my total water intake, I've gotten progressively thirstier. I'm that girl now, carrying around the super cute, super jumbo water bottle and taking sips out of it like if I were Lily and the water were tequila.

No matter how much water I drink (a lot) I always feel thirsty (not healthy) and cotton mouthy (ewww). And I swear, I didn't take that green little Chinese diet pill either.

I hate you, water.

That said, I lost another pound this week for a total weight loss of 4 pounds since we started. Look, I know 1-2 pounds a week is a pretty healthy weight loss rate, but it's also really fudgin' BORING.

Everything about diets is boring. I mean, I just spouted off about WATER as the most exciting thing in my entire diet week. I know some one is going to come out of the woodwork and say, "healthy food can be delicious!" and I'll say, "no. Chocolate is delicious."

And the truth of it all is that I don't really care that much about food. I want it to be two things really: easy and fast. (Dammit I can hear the whore jokes now. I beat you to it though, so consider shutting the hell up, son.)

Easy + fast + diet = bland.

That probably explains why I rebelled over the weekend. I gorged myself on sushi, I had IHOP, a vanilla Frosty, chocolate wine and I shared a box of zebra cakes. This is spread over Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so all things considered, this is still me behaving better than usual.

Sigh.

Did I mention the one pound?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Lily says: Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions.

Water is pretty boring. Drink some ginger ale... or Gatorade. Something to not make you feel like you just finished smoking pot.

Congrats on the one pound.


Bret Says: You think water doesn't work, however you spent your weekend as a human garbage dump for fat filled dairy drinks, 24 hour restaurant crap, alcohol that of course included chocolate, and at least a gallon of magical man juice (the last one was inferred).

Thus I think that you lost one pound from the water alone.  I'd congratulate you, but I'll save it for the results of your next STD panel.


Lor Says: And by "inferred" you definitely mean "I was having wet dreams about you again."

Dreams are just dreams, Bret. I'm STD and another pound free. I know that excites you in all kinds of ways, but no, I still won't sleep with you.