Lorraine: Apparently Lily and Bret aren't dead. This comes as a big surprise to me. I would've placed bets on the certainty of Lily drowning in a pool of vodka and Bret drowning in his own blubber. Alas, it is Bear and Wife who are most certainly dead.
No matter; we should start this post with good news. You last heard from me just over a month ago. I had ballooned back up to 148 and managed to get back down to 143. The good news is that I'm now at 139 pounds. I broke the 140 barrier.
All you other dead bloggers can eat it. And by "it," I mean whatever it is you eat that keeps you fat and gross.
I wish I had some concrete weight loss methods to share, but the truth is that my most recent success has more to do with my own timidity and social awkwardness. One component of shyness is that I hate eating in front of other people. If I could bottle that and sell it to you guys, I totally would.
See, at my last job (Paper Folding USA) I mostly worked by myself in a corner cubicle that no one came into. When we started this blog, I discussed my third-grader eating habits- lots of refined sugar and artificial flavoring and working there didn't help my cause.
At PFA, sine I had little human interaction, I spent almost all of my lunches munching on zebra cakes or putting away trays of chocolate chip cookies, while I worked at my desk. Add to that cookies for breakfast and a skipped dinner, and you basically have my diet for the year and a half I was there.
Fast forward to my current situation, in which I am working a new (real) job that requires socialization. There is nowhere to hide my gross snacking habits. There is no way to avoid the lunch time human interaction. Everything changed and I was nearly forced into eating like a regular human being.
This probably sounds ridiculous. I know that it is.
Regardless, I did start to eat smaller portions. People made comments about how little I ate, what a small stomach I must have, and they wondered if I wasn't going to supersize or add a dessert. I answered no, no, no, more due to embarrassment than anything else. One month later, though, I've started to believe these things about myself: I can eat like a fully functioning adult, but I don't have to eat enough for 2 or 3 adults.
I guess that this was a valuable lesson to learn.
The skinniest I've ever been in my adult life was 138 and I am one pound away from it. It makes me absolutely giddy. Maybe if I jump around enough in (sexy) happiness I can shed that pound too.
My next goal is 135. I will be in Chicago in 35 days for the 20sb Summit and that is my deadline for this goal. Not at all because I want everyone to meet me when I'm unfluffy. (Yes.)
I'm not even sure this post made sense. For some reason, trying to convey that I've lost weight because I'm socializing was harder than I originally anticipated. No matter. The main point of the post was another four pound drop.
Coming up next time: My take on the couch to 5k program., which I've just started. I mean, if it doesn't kill me that is.
Showing posts with label Weight Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Loss. Show all posts
Friday, July 15, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
I Hate Success
Lorraine Says: It's no secret really that I'm basically an Internet whore. Luckily, I'm writing this entry and NOT sending it to the rest of the Blobs, who I'm pretty sure are all dead. (Actually, I think I got an email from Lily sometime last week, about being too lazy to blog on another blog we share, so maybe she's just a missing person at this point and not entirely dead.)
I say luckily because I can already hear Bret and all his "whore" jokes which morph into racist jokes which all just translate into, "I'm still a fat fuck and picking on people much, much, much hotter than me makes me feel better about myself." There, there Bret.
ANYHOW, me = loves the Internet. I have my main blog, Childhood Trauma, 2 Tumblrs, Twitter, Facebook, a (semi-abandoned) music blog, I mod at 20sb, etc, etc, etc.
And then, there is this.
Oh, Blogging Blobs. It truly is a great idea. 5 overweight bloggers doing the weight loss thing together, with some combination of humor and demotivation.
It was a good plan for me. Why? Because I really am not a fan of other people's success. I mean, not as a general rule, but especially when it comes to weight loss.
I suppose that fact has a lot to do with where I've been during this period of Blob silence. I mean, the simple fact is that writing for a diet blog is pretty difficult when you aren't dieting, ya know? There wasn't any exercise happening either.
I wish I could blame it on one thing or another, but really, all the reasons I'd gained the weight in the first place overcame me again: laziness, chocolate, busy work schedule, big life changes, chocolate, dessert, the eating habits of a third grader, and laziness.
On top of that all, people around started losing weight. My older cousin, nicknamed on my blog as Ferfer, moved back to Florida a handful of months ago. Fer is a notorious weight yo-yo-er. And I'm pretty sure she's tried every lose weight quick scheme ever.
She's also the most pushy bitch ever. I mean, I love her, but she will argue with you about the sky being purple, and not blue, if one day she decided the sky was purple.
Well, after gaining a shit ton of weight during her last pregnancy, and holding onto most of it even after her daughter was born, she decided that enough was enough and that she was going to lose weight the old fashioned way: puking and corsets.
JAYKAY. Diet and exercise.
Her pushy self went around telling everyone that they were fat and gross and that they should come to her house where every day they would be using her covered patio as a makeshift gym. My sister and my good friend Venus drank the kool-aid.
And it's worked. Sometime during my silence, these girls have been working their asses off and slimming down and toning up thanks to some workout videos and dedication.
...
...
GAG.
It's fucking terrible. Fer was after me constantly asking me when I was going to join and the more I was pressured, the more I was positively reinforced, the more I didn't want to do anything healthy.
And it worked. Any progress I made during my Blogging Blob stint was completely erased. Two and a half weeks ago, I stepped on the scale for the first time in months and I was nearly back up to my original start weight: 148.
Holy. Shit.
It felt gross. It felt horrible. And the worst part was that there wasn't even anyone around to point and laugh or make comments about how I must not be getting any Exercise or must be missing the famine part of my Ethiopian diet.
With the Blobs all dead (RIP) and my body quickly chunking up out of control, I decided to take a positive step in the right direction.
Step one: The less-of-a-fat-ass diet.
What? It was a baby step and a good one at that. Two and a half weeks later I'm back down to 143. Five pounds? That's about the equivalent of what Bear eats in one sitting, so I'll fucking take it.
It feels good to be back down, but I'm trying to ride the wave of motivation and success. Step two will be the "move-more-than-a-fat-ass" portion of my plan. I'm dying to start the couch to 5k program, with an actual 5k in mind to run at the end of the summer.
I mean, sure I keep putting up excuses like, "I don't have running shoes," or "people get raped and killed when they go out running," but maybe now that I've announced it to the entire interwebs I'll try harder to make it happen.
I'll do my best to check in this time next week.
Goal: Three pounds to 140. 1-fucking-40. I'm gonna look so hawt.
Avoid these pitfalls: My new job is located in a plaza with a Chipotles, Yougurtland and a Starbucks. WHAT THE HELL? My co-workers take field trips down to one or all of these places on the regular and saying no all the time is no fun. (Sounds like my sex life?) I've probably indulged more than I should, but for the sake of my bank account and my body, I must say no.
Do these things: I need running shoes and OMG, where do I even start?
For real this time guys.
For real.
I say luckily because I can already hear Bret and all his "whore" jokes which morph into racist jokes which all just translate into, "I'm still a fat fuck and picking on people much, much, much hotter than me makes me feel better about myself." There, there Bret.
ANYHOW, me = loves the Internet. I have my main blog, Childhood Trauma, 2 Tumblrs, Twitter, Facebook, a (semi-abandoned) music blog, I mod at 20sb, etc, etc, etc.
And then, there is this.
Oh, Blogging Blobs. It truly is a great idea. 5 overweight bloggers doing the weight loss thing together, with some combination of humor and demotivation.
It was a good plan for me. Why? Because I really am not a fan of other people's success. I mean, not as a general rule, but especially when it comes to weight loss.
I suppose that fact has a lot to do with where I've been during this period of Blob silence. I mean, the simple fact is that writing for a diet blog is pretty difficult when you aren't dieting, ya know? There wasn't any exercise happening either.
I wish I could blame it on one thing or another, but really, all the reasons I'd gained the weight in the first place overcame me again: laziness, chocolate, busy work schedule, big life changes, chocolate, dessert, the eating habits of a third grader, and laziness.
On top of that all, people around started losing weight. My older cousin, nicknamed on my blog as Ferfer, moved back to Florida a handful of months ago. Fer is a notorious weight yo-yo-er. And I'm pretty sure she's tried every lose weight quick scheme ever.
She's also the most pushy bitch ever. I mean, I love her, but she will argue with you about the sky being purple, and not blue, if one day she decided the sky was purple.
Well, after gaining a shit ton of weight during her last pregnancy, and holding onto most of it even after her daughter was born, she decided that enough was enough and that she was going to lose weight the old fashioned way: puking and corsets.
JAYKAY. Diet and exercise.
Her pushy self went around telling everyone that they were fat and gross and that they should come to her house where every day they would be using her covered patio as a makeshift gym. My sister and my good friend Venus drank the kool-aid.
And it's worked. Sometime during my silence, these girls have been working their asses off and slimming down and toning up thanks to some workout videos and dedication.
...
...
GAG.
It's fucking terrible. Fer was after me constantly asking me when I was going to join and the more I was pressured, the more I was positively reinforced, the more I didn't want to do anything healthy.
And it worked. Any progress I made during my Blogging Blob stint was completely erased. Two and a half weeks ago, I stepped on the scale for the first time in months and I was nearly back up to my original start weight: 148.
Holy. Shit.
It felt gross. It felt horrible. And the worst part was that there wasn't even anyone around to point and laugh or make comments about how I must not be getting any Exercise or must be missing the famine part of my Ethiopian diet.
With the Blobs all dead (RIP) and my body quickly chunking up out of control, I decided to take a positive step in the right direction.
Step one: The less-of-a-fat-ass diet.
What? It was a baby step and a good one at that. Two and a half weeks later I'm back down to 143. Five pounds? That's about the equivalent of what Bear eats in one sitting, so I'll fucking take it.
It feels good to be back down, but I'm trying to ride the wave of motivation and success. Step two will be the "move-more-than-a-fat-ass" portion of my plan. I'm dying to start the couch to 5k program, with an actual 5k in mind to run at the end of the summer.
I mean, sure I keep putting up excuses like, "I don't have running shoes," or "people get raped and killed when they go out running," but maybe now that I've announced it to the entire interwebs I'll try harder to make it happen.
I'll do my best to check in this time next week.
Goal: Three pounds to 140. 1-fucking-40. I'm gonna look so hawt.
Avoid these pitfalls: My new job is located in a plaza with a Chipotles, Yougurtland and a Starbucks. WHAT THE HELL? My co-workers take field trips down to one or all of these places on the regular and saying no all the time is no fun. (Sounds like my sex life?) I've probably indulged more than I should, but for the sake of my bank account and my body, I must say no.
Do these things: I need running shoes and OMG, where do I even start?
For real this time guys.
For real.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Emotional Breakdowns = Weight Loss
Lily says: I’ve pulled a Bret and didn’t post for two weeks.
I had an emotional breakdown (sort of) and then stressed out about
school - for nothing, again.
But, all in all it was a good 2 weeks. Maybe not in my life, but the
losing weight.
I had no appetite. Had no Cardio and no cardio. BUT! Managed to lose 4
pounds the first week, and 2 the second. So maybe the key to losing
weight is 1) cry like a bitch for 14 days and 2) lose your appetite so
you won’t eat.
Either way, I’m still better than Bret.
How's that 5K training going, Bret?
I had an emotional breakdown (sort of) and then stressed out about
school - for nothing, again.
But, all in all it was a good 2 weeks. Maybe not in my life, but the
losing weight.
I had no appetite. Had no Cardio and no cardio. BUT! Managed to lose 4
pounds the first week, and 2 the second. So maybe the key to losing
weight is 1) cry like a bitch for 14 days and 2) lose your appetite so
you won’t eat.
Either way, I’m still better than Bret.
Lorraine says: If crying like a bitch had anything to do with weight, Bret wouldn't have been fat in the first place, no?
Lily says: Yeah, probably. But he fails at mostly everything: Inflatable
girlfriends, blogging, life, etc.How's that 5K training going, Bret?
Lorraine says: If Bret were chasing me, I'd run a 5k.
Lily says: A marathon even.
I like that Gmail put on my side bar "more about ... 5K beginner, training and schedules" Do you need this, Bret?
I like that Gmail put on my side bar "more about ... 5K beginner, training and schedules" Do you need this, Bret?
Sloth to 5K says: I have successfully ran all 3 days of my couch to 5k thank you very much. And also, I have given up french fries for lent. AND I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT JESUS.
I think this is good for you Lily, not only that you lost weight, but also that you had an emotional breakdown and cried for two weeks. It shows that your brain has developed enough for you to realize how truly awful your life is. Congratulations.
Lily says: Thanks. Maybe next Lent you can give up Haterade.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Bret's Dead and going to Hell (but he sends us messages from beyond the grave)
Witless Exposition says:
Has the zombie apocalypse started and I don't know about it? I know Lily and Lorraine are still alive, but Bret? Maybe he's just holed up thinking about machine fucking.
For the first time in a while, I've managed to make some headway. I lost four pounds this week even though we missed a couple of days at the gym. The days we did go, I really pushed myself. The days I didn't, I was doing really physical housework like sorting and reorganizing our books (yes we have that many).
On the food front, I've been trying to make sure I eat breakfast every morning. Apparently it's good for you, but I find it just annoying. There hasn't been any snack type foods at the house to tempt me, which makes a big difference, even if it makes me grumpy sometimes.
On the whole a good week, which doesn't do much for comedy, but does a lot for my motivation.
Lorraine says:
I'm alive! But um... my mother taught me that if I have nothing to say I should say anything at all. I apply that advice solely to talking about myself, so that explains the silence. But, I'm also free to call you boring. Hooray for the four pounds though! I don't think I've lost four pounds together since this started. I have eaten four zebra cakes together, though, so that probably explains that.
Bret says:
Yeah, i didn't realize i missed my day until just now. This week flew by. Congrats on the 4 pound lost. You are still fat.
For the first time in a while, I've managed to make some headway. I lost four pounds this week even though we missed a couple of days at the gym. The days we did go, I really pushed myself. The days I didn't, I was doing really physical housework like sorting and reorganizing our books (yes we have that many).
On the food front, I've been trying to make sure I eat breakfast every morning. Apparently it's good for you, but I find it just annoying. There hasn't been any snack type foods at the house to tempt me, which makes a big difference, even if it makes me grumpy sometimes.
On the whole a good week, which doesn't do much for comedy, but does a lot for my motivation.
Lorraine says:
I'm alive! But um... my mother taught me that if I have nothing to say I should say anything at all. I apply that advice solely to talking about myself, so that explains the silence. But, I'm also free to call you boring. Hooray for the four pounds though! I don't think I've lost four pounds together since this started. I have eaten four zebra cakes together, though, so that probably explains that.
Bret says:
Yeah, i didn't realize i missed my day until just now. This week flew by. Congrats on the 4 pound lost. You are still fat.
Friday, February 18, 2011
If ice cream can do that, we all need to buy stock in Ben & Jerrys
Witless Exposition says: Well, another week and another pound down. It's been a pretty average week as far as actual effort goes: hit the gym a couple of times, ate relatively well, tried to make sure I was drinking plenty of water and tea (after a while, I literally cannot stomach any more water). So really, nothing really happened this week to make it more interesting than watching paint dry.
I know, I know, I'm easily the most boring/lamest part of our little group, except maybe for Bret's "girlfriend." On the other hand, I bet she has some truly horrific stories she could tell, if her mouth wasn't in a permanent O shape.
So, in the aim of finding something to actually talk about, here's some articles I've found that might be of use to us:
Imagining eating makes you eat less?
Apparently if you imagine eating M&M's one at a time, you'll be able to stop your craving. Well, at least in the study they did. I think Lorraine can tell us that imagining eating Zebra Cakes does nothing for her diet.
Woman overeats to experience orgasm
This woman gets off every time she eats ice cream. She's overweight, but has a fulfilling job at a fetish site. Sound like something Lily might like, huh?
Chinese man had knife blade stuck in his head for four years without knowing it, doctors say
Wow, that guy must have really pissed his wife off. Hmmm, TBM hates doctors and is a heavy sleeper.
Lily says: Don't get me wrong I love ice cream, but I don't think I can make myself orgasm from having something from 31 Flavors. That my friends is dedication. I think Bret can learn a thing or 31 for Ms. Ice Cream Orgasm Fetish woman. Maybe that way he can give the inflatable girlfriend a break.
I know, I know, I'm easily the most boring/lamest part of our little group, except maybe for Bret's "girlfriend." On the other hand, I bet she has some truly horrific stories she could tell, if her mouth wasn't in a permanent O shape.
So, in the aim of finding something to actually talk about, here's some articles I've found that might be of use to us:
Imagining eating makes you eat less?
Apparently if you imagine eating M&M's one at a time, you'll be able to stop your craving. Well, at least in the study they did. I think Lorraine can tell us that imagining eating Zebra Cakes does nothing for her diet.
Woman overeats to experience orgasm
This woman gets off every time she eats ice cream. She's overweight, but has a fulfilling job at a fetish site. Sound like something Lily might like, huh?
Chinese man had knife blade stuck in his head for four years without knowing it, doctors say
Wow, that guy must have really pissed his wife off. Hmmm, TBM hates doctors and is a heavy sleeper.
Lily says: Don't get me wrong I love ice cream, but I don't think I can make myself orgasm from having something from 31 Flavors. That my friends is dedication. I think Bret can learn a thing or 31 for Ms. Ice Cream Orgasm Fetish woman. Maybe that way he can give the inflatable girlfriend a break.
Friday, February 11, 2011
We need to start a bail out fund
Witless Exposition says: I was actually really worried about my post this week. I know last week was a bit of a downer, and I really didn't want to repeat the pattern. But I'm happy to say that this week I've lost 2 pounds!
I would like to say that it was based on my strong willpower and sticking to my workout regimen, but really it was because of laziness. We didn't really have anything to eat in the house, and I didn't want to go to the grocery store, so I didn't eat.
My exercise this week was all practical exercise: cleaning the house because we had people coming over, standing in line for a concert for three hours, and holding 20+ people off from taking my spot on the bar (which worked for almost the whole thing).
And now for a brief non weight related rant: Why the fuck are kids such idiots? Really? My theory is no one loves them enough to show them the ropes, so they're assholes the whole time. Not exaggerating here, but the crowd threw a total of four beer bottles/cans at the headlining band. Really, who does that?
Ok, the rant's done.
Here's to hoping we're all still alive and doing well next week.
Lily says: Congrats on the minus two pounds.
Basically, your theory on kids is right. Fucking idiots
My Hero *flutter eyelashes* says: As you all know I am a very mild mannered Bear. I do not suffer from fits of rage like Lor and Bret, but the other night I was ready to defend my Wife by going to jail. I was seriously contemplating murder and the little motherfucker that was next to us is damn lucky that I didn't see the bruise on Wife's arm until long after the concert was over.
Truth be told I'm still feeling a little murderous, mostly because of the kid, but there are some other factors today as well. I be stabbing someone in the face 50 or so times would be a great form of cardio.
Bret says: I hear you can lift weights in prison.
Lorraine says: Yeah, there's a lot of sausage and cardio in prison too! Bear will fit right in.
I would like to say that it was based on my strong willpower and sticking to my workout regimen, but really it was because of laziness. We didn't really have anything to eat in the house, and I didn't want to go to the grocery store, so I didn't eat.
My exercise this week was all practical exercise: cleaning the house because we had people coming over, standing in line for a concert for three hours, and holding 20+ people off from taking my spot on the bar (which worked for almost the whole thing).
And now for a brief non weight related rant: Why the fuck are kids such idiots? Really? My theory is no one loves them enough to show them the ropes, so they're assholes the whole time. Not exaggerating here, but the crowd threw a total of four beer bottles/cans at the headlining band. Really, who does that?
Ok, the rant's done.
Here's to hoping we're all still alive and doing well next week.
Lily says: Congrats on the minus two pounds.
Basically, your theory on kids is right. Fucking idiots
My Hero *flutter eyelashes* says: As you all know I am a very mild mannered Bear. I do not suffer from fits of rage like Lor and Bret, but the other night I was ready to defend my Wife by going to jail. I was seriously contemplating murder and the little motherfucker that was next to us is damn lucky that I didn't see the bruise on Wife's arm until long after the concert was over.
Truth be told I'm still feeling a little murderous, mostly because of the kid, but there are some other factors today as well. I be stabbing someone in the face 50 or so times would be a great form of cardio.
Bret says: I hear you can lift weights in prison.
Lorraine says: Yeah, there's a lot of sausage and cardio in prison too! Bear will fit right in.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Everybody hates Bret
The one that nobody likes says: OK, so I am telling you right now. I WILL NOT BE POSTING THIS. One of you will have to step up. I have caught a royally huge cold, probably from my small, germy cousins, and I will not be awake 5 minutes past the end of this sentence.
I will tell you this: I have lost 1 pound this week. That's amazing. This is my birthday week, and I lost a pound even though people were throwing cake at me left and right, and it would have been horribly RUDE for me to not eat it.
Still, whenever I wasn't being treated to a meal, I was eating healthy. And I even walked a little bit too, and softball season starts next week. Basically, I am pretty much at 175 right now. Eat it.
Lily says: Red velvet cake?
Lorraine says: NOT IT on posting it. I've caught a cold too (one that made me forget yesterday was my day to post...) I've been popping vitamin C pills likes ecstasy, and cradling a bottle of Nyquil like it was tequila. I'm not sure what this will do for my weight. We'll have to find out next week.
Also, anyone else thing people aren't throwing cake at Bret because they like him..?
Lily says: I'm not doing it either. I'm busy puking.
The Wife says: I guess that means I'm stuck with it, since we all know TBM barely posts on his own days. Plus posting it would be helping Bret, and I think we all know that TBM and Bret are quickly becoming mortal enemies.
Lorraine says: Bear gets laid and Bret does not. BEAR WINS.
TBM says: Bwahahahaha...yeah, I'm totally not posting it.
I will tell you this: I have lost 1 pound this week. That's amazing. This is my birthday week, and I lost a pound even though people were throwing cake at me left and right, and it would have been horribly RUDE for me to not eat it.
Still, whenever I wasn't being treated to a meal, I was eating healthy. And I even walked a little bit too, and softball season starts next week. Basically, I am pretty much at 175 right now. Eat it.
Lily says: Red velvet cake?
Lorraine says: NOT IT on posting it. I've caught a cold too (one that made me forget yesterday was my day to post...) I've been popping vitamin C pills likes ecstasy, and cradling a bottle of Nyquil like it was tequila. I'm not sure what this will do for my weight. We'll have to find out next week.
Also, anyone else thing people aren't throwing cake at Bret because they like him..?
Lily says: I'm not doing it either. I'm busy puking.
The Wife says: I guess that means I'm stuck with it, since we all know TBM barely posts on his own days. Plus posting it would be helping Bret, and I think we all know that TBM and Bret are quickly becoming mortal enemies.
Lorraine says: Bear gets laid and Bret does not. BEAR WINS.
TBM says: Bwahahahaha...yeah, I'm totally not posting it.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Anatomically Incorrect (Or The Other Shake Weight)
Lorraine Says: I've been quite looking forward to writing my entry this week, because dammit, I finally am doing a good job. If dieting and I had a nasty break-up over the holidays, it seems like this week we've worked out our differences and apologized to each other for all the mean things we said.
But you should also try the OTHER cardio. It's just as good. And I hear something about endorphins doing something that blah blah blah talking out my ass ...
Lorraine Says: Just so we're clear, I don't know anything about the parking lot of this gym, ifyouknowwhatImean. I can at least boast virgin lungs ya'll.
Speaking of which, you really don't have to sell me on the benefits of other-cardio. That stuff sells itself.
Lily Says: We all needs something that's a virgin on us, right? Now to think of one..
I'm jealous of your weight loss. I'm going to go stuff my face now.
The Bear Monk Says: Equating the gym to sex? Clearly you're doing it wrong.
Bret Says: My assumption is that your idea of a workout is something along the lines of using some sort of generic version of a "shake weight." And by "generic version" I mean your "14 year-old cousin's penis.
Lorraine Says: Please. If jacking off could substitute for a shake weight, you wouldn't be fat, now would you Bret? Even though we all suspect you aren't exactly packing much, I'm sure a lonely guy like would be a good test subject for this "generic" shake weight theory.
In other news, I have no need for cousins or 14 year olds thanksomuch.
Little Wee Wee Bret Says: No need for 14 year olds? I had no idea your stash of 12 year olds was so plentiful.
Lily Says: This is funny. I don't know what is funny about it. I think thinking about a fat guy with no pee pee is hilarious to me. Hahahaha Bret has no pee pee.
Basically, I started doing all the little things I was doing before - eating smaller portions, drinking tons of water, trying my BEST to eliminate the multiple-bars-of-chocolate I eat a day, no fast food, and just smarter choices. Great. That's where I was before the holiday meltdown.
But, my dear fluffy companions, I did something this week that I'm sure none of you ever expected of me: CARDIO. No, Jesus, not THAT type of cardio. Not Lily's favorite past time cardio. Real, legitshit, at the gym cardio.
That's right kids, I made my triumphant return to the gym this week. I guess that if me and dieting are back together now, the gym is the equivalent of the make-up sex.
Getting back there wasn't as terrible as I always anticipate. Sure, Roxanne and I go to the cheap gym in our hood, where at any given moment you may 1.) see all of your graduating class b.) the parking lot smells like weed or cat.) have to walk two blocks from the nearest parking spot to the gym, but for whatever reason, most of these cheap gym pitfalls were avoided.
All of my hard work was rewarded with a nice -2 pounds.
Lily Says: So where is this "weed gym". I bet I can manage a -3 pound drop with this drug gym. Or +3 because of the munchies.
Lily Says: So where is this "weed gym". I bet I can manage a -3 pound drop with this drug gym. Or +3 because of the munchies.
But you should also try the OTHER cardio. It's just as good. And I hear something about endorphins doing something that blah blah blah talking out my ass ...
Lorraine Says: Just so we're clear, I don't know anything about the parking lot of this gym, ifyouknowwhatImean. I can at least boast virgin lungs ya'll.
Speaking of which, you really don't have to sell me on the benefits of other-cardio. That stuff sells itself.
Lily Says: We all needs something that's a virgin on us, right? Now to think of one..
I'm jealous of your weight loss. I'm going to go stuff my face now.
The Bear Monk Says: Equating the gym to sex? Clearly you're doing it wrong.
Bret Says: My assumption is that your idea of a workout is something along the lines of using some sort of generic version of a "shake weight." And by "generic version" I mean your "14 year-old cousin's penis.
Lorraine Says: Please. If jacking off could substitute for a shake weight, you wouldn't be fat, now would you Bret? Even though we all suspect you aren't exactly packing much, I'm sure a lonely guy like would be a good test subject for this "generic" shake weight theory.
In other news, I have no need for cousins or 14 year olds thanksomuch.
Little Wee Wee Bret Says: No need for 14 year olds? I had no idea your stash of 12 year olds was so plentiful.
Lily Says: This is funny. I don't know what is funny about it. I think thinking about a fat guy with no pee pee is hilarious to me. Hahahaha Bret has no pee pee.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Apparently Jesus likes me better than you
Witless Exposition says: I'm going to make this short, because I'm pretty sure that everyone is busy with holiday stuff (i.e. passed out already from booze and overeating). This week's exercise front was an absolute joke. TBM worked from home this week, so any semblance of our usual schedule went right out the door.
Last night I blew the food front a bit, but not as much as I thought I would. I was too busy playing hostess and drinking champagne to really eat much.
This morning I weighed myself and have lost another pound. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I like it.
Lorraine says: I call some sort of greater, universal racism bullshit here. Lily and I booze and eat and we gain weight. Bret, Wife and Bear booze and eat and lose weight? Thanks Baby Jesus.
In other news, I'm walking around our resort on a beautiful day and I fully plan on boozing and eating in just a bit.
Merry Christmas fellow blobs.
The Tricky Grinch says: You know Lor, I read your tweets. I know you are a liar. Almost every tweet you write is about something else you are putting in your body, be it cupcakes, alcohol, or pool boys.
Lorraine says: There are not many things I've refrained from during this "diet" but I'll have you know that I haven't had a single pool boy. BAM.
Last night I blew the food front a bit, but not as much as I thought I would. I was too busy playing hostess and drinking champagne to really eat much.
This morning I weighed myself and have lost another pound. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I like it.
Lorraine says: I call some sort of greater, universal racism bullshit here. Lily and I booze and eat and we gain weight. Bret, Wife and Bear booze and eat and lose weight? Thanks Baby Jesus.
In other news, I'm walking around our resort on a beautiful day and I fully plan on boozing and eating in just a bit.
Merry Christmas fellow blobs.
The Tricky Grinch says: You know Lor, I read your tweets. I know you are a liar. Almost every tweet you write is about something else you are putting in your body, be it cupcakes, alcohol, or pool boys.
Lorraine says: There are not many things I've refrained from during this "diet" but I'll have you know that I haven't had a single pool boy. BAM.
Friday, December 17, 2010
The triumphant return of Ethiopians and Bret's racism
Witless Exposition: I'm really excited that every time I weighed myself this week, the trend was down. So I can unequivocally say that I have lost a whole pound this week. I know that doesn't sound like much, but both my doctor and my internet research says 1-2 pounds lost a week is really what you should aim for. It's safe for your body, and it's more likely to stay off if you lose it slowly. Your body has a chance to get used to the change instead of thinking that you're a starving Ethiopian and holding on to every fat cell it can get its grubby little hands on.
I'm very proud of myself this week. While we haven't worked out every day, each time we've gone, I felt less like dying. I'm still at a level where my body is working hard (my heart rate is in the target for aerobic exercise each time), and the circuit room weight still makes me work, but I don't have to stop to catch my breath anymore, and I'm able to do a little more/go a little faster each day.
As far as the food front this week: I've splurged a little on several days, BUT each day I did, I made sure I ate less calories for my lunches/dinners. I.e. salad for lunch with a single pack of chocolate ice cream. I was still in my range of healthy carbs per meal, and since I don't really do dressing much, the salad filled me up, but didn't pack a big calorie punch. I'm starting to learn that I really, actually, and honestly can do this whole portion control thing.
So if I keep going at the rate I am now, I have roughly nine months before I hit my first weight goal. That's a bit depressing, but it no longer feels impossible.
Lorraine: If we all keep doing well, what the hell do we blog about? So, um, how about those Ethiopians?
The Bear Monk: I actually got to try Ethiopian food once...it's apparently pretty big in the greater DC area. I have to say...I really liked it but I can definitely tell why they're so damn skinny...other then the whole famine thing. That shit was SPICY.
Lily: Mexican food is spicy... Why am I not skinny?!
I'm very proud of myself this week. While we haven't worked out every day, each time we've gone, I felt less like dying. I'm still at a level where my body is working hard (my heart rate is in the target for aerobic exercise each time), and the circuit room weight still makes me work, but I don't have to stop to catch my breath anymore, and I'm able to do a little more/go a little faster each day.
As far as the food front this week: I've splurged a little on several days, BUT each day I did, I made sure I ate less calories for my lunches/dinners. I.e. salad for lunch with a single pack of chocolate ice cream. I was still in my range of healthy carbs per meal, and since I don't really do dressing much, the salad filled me up, but didn't pack a big calorie punch. I'm starting to learn that I really, actually, and honestly can do this whole portion control thing.
So if I keep going at the rate I am now, I have roughly nine months before I hit my first weight goal. That's a bit depressing, but it no longer feels impossible.
Lorraine: If we all keep doing well, what the hell do we blog about? So, um, how about those Ethiopians?
The Bear Monk: I actually got to try Ethiopian food once...it's apparently pretty big in the greater DC area. I have to say...I really liked it but I can definitely tell why they're so damn skinny...other then the whole famine thing. That shit was SPICY.
Lily: Mexican food is spicy... Why am I not skinny?!
Oh, right. Most of it is deep fried.
The Bear Monk: I'm glad to see that logic is finally prevailing with you Lily. These Ethiopian folks apparently cook their meats in some crazy spicy sauces and then throw raw jalapeños on top for good measure. I know...I tried one to see what it was. It was not NOT a green pepper.
Lily: Bwahahahaa. I'm going to try to not fry anymore food.
Slightly Fishy or something: You'll feel a lot better after you stop frying food lily. It is far more satisfying when someone else does it for you.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Horrible and Disappointing
Bret Says: 267. -5 pounds. Kick Ass.
O.K. So it might be an exaggeration. First of all most of the weight has to be from, ummm, unloading multiple thanksgiving meals. 2nd of all, all of my weights came from the morning, where as this was this evening...before dinner...after barely having a chance to eat anything all day....while I was extremely dehydrated.
And yeah, directly after I unloaded even more turkey from my system.
Oh, and of course the weigh in happened on my "scale of random numbers."
Still, I'm in a good mood tonight. 267 puts me right back on track, even though it will probably go up next week. I've started a workout plan. I've started a NO EXCUSES 30 minutes of walking a day plan. Today for lunch I had the chance to have an onion ring and bbq sauce covered cheeseburger and smothered in liquid cheddar fries, but instead chose a chicken wrap and apple slices. It was horrible and disappointing. It was everything a diet is supposed to be.
I'm sore, all over, and not from a long night of hide the sausage with Bear. Everything is GOOD. Except for your writings of course.
And on that note Lily, I will be back, with my new blog, this weekend. There are lots of exciting changes in store. There will even be a few new blogging blobs surprises for our 5 or 6 readers who might care....
Get ready.
Lily Says: Okay, so I was uber fail for Wednesday's post because of CARDIO. Sorry Lor. I still love you though!
Secondly, congrats on being back on track... over. achiever. I thought you said you were going to start celebrating your blobness... whatever. This seriously makes me doubt the return of your blogging. I gotta see it to believe it.
Lorraine Says: I refuse to celebrate a fake five pounds and any post that doesn't involve Bret and Bear playing hide the sausage.
O.K. So it might be an exaggeration. First of all most of the weight has to be from, ummm, unloading multiple thanksgiving meals. 2nd of all, all of my weights came from the morning, where as this was this evening...before dinner...after barely having a chance to eat anything all day....while I was extremely dehydrated.
And yeah, directly after I unloaded even more turkey from my system.
Oh, and of course the weigh in happened on my "scale of random numbers."
Still, I'm in a good mood tonight. 267 puts me right back on track, even though it will probably go up next week. I've started a workout plan. I've started a NO EXCUSES 30 minutes of walking a day plan. Today for lunch I had the chance to have an onion ring and bbq sauce covered cheeseburger and smothered in liquid cheddar fries, but instead chose a chicken wrap and apple slices. It was horrible and disappointing. It was everything a diet is supposed to be.
I'm sore, all over, and not from a long night of hide the sausage with Bear. Everything is GOOD. Except for your writings of course.
And on that note Lily, I will be back, with my new blog, this weekend. There are lots of exciting changes in store. There will even be a few new blogging blobs surprises for our 5 or 6 readers who might care....
Get ready.
Lily Says: Okay, so I was uber fail for Wednesday's post because of CARDIO. Sorry Lor. I still love you though!
Secondly, congrats on being back on track... over. achiever. I thought you said you were going to start celebrating your blobness... whatever. This seriously makes me doubt the return of your blogging. I gotta see it to believe it.
Lorraine Says: I refuse to celebrate a fake five pounds and any post that doesn't involve Bret and Bear playing hide the sausage.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"Title, Jesus Christ, I don't know. Make fun of you."
Tricky Fish Says: 271--I think that's down 3 more pounds from last week and 14 total. This one even included my girlfriend's birthday and a very nice breakfast buffet where I had to continuously tell myself not to "get my money's worth"
I have continued to eat healthy, and yes, drink almost exclusively water (something I was doing before this diet anyway). This is because I'm not an idiot and have researched why water, and being even more thirst, and drinking even more water is good for you.
Take this one random link...
http://ezinearticles.com/?Drink,-Drink,-Drink---How-Water-Increases-Metabolism&id=1001158
Water is fantastic for you. The fact that you haven't been drinking this much water before means that your body was simply adjusting to the Arizona life style that is being in your body. With the water though? It's begging for more. It cleans out your system, hydrates you, helps with your joints, it does everything. Whereas studies clearly show that zebra cakes are only about 80% as good as water.
O.K. Back to me. My girlfriend made me stir fry last night with something called "toe foow" which is otherwise known as "not food." However she flavored it like food, and as an Ethiopian, I gobbled it down. I even invited her to make it again if she wants. In fact, to be honest with you, with her making my food recently (I cannot cook, only order out) I honestly have to wonder when the last time I ate meat was. I know that answer is easy for bear, it was the last time he was on his knees, or this morning.
Lorraine Says: I know water is good for you, idiot, that's why I'm drinking it.
Not good for you? This imaginary girlfriend that you keep trying to sell us. Now she's cooking for you? Right.
Also not good? Being consumed with thoughts of Bear and all the meat he eats. It's clear to me that you are. Seriously, this obssession with all of our sex lives has got to be as unhealthy as a box of zebra cakes. Probably worse.
The Wife Says: I'm pretty sure that Tricky's "girlfriend" is really just his mother. Maybe an aunt if we're lucky.
How good is he at photoshop? Because the next step is he's going to show us a photograph as "proof."
Lorraine: As an ending side note, Tricky asked me to post this for him, which is why you'll see my name down below. And when asked what I should title the post about his fake girlfriend, his love of Bear's man-meat, the fact that he's dating his mom or aunt or both, the lovely gem of a quote that is now the title of this post is what he gave me.
Real original kid. Real original.
I have continued to eat healthy, and yes, drink almost exclusively water (something I was doing before this diet anyway). This is because I'm not an idiot and have researched why water, and being even more thirst, and drinking even more water is good for you.
Take this one random link...
http://ezinearticles.com/?Drink,-Drink,-Drink---How-Water-Increases-Metabolism&id=1001158
Water is fantastic for you. The fact that you haven't been drinking this much water before means that your body was simply adjusting to the Arizona life style that is being in your body. With the water though? It's begging for more. It cleans out your system, hydrates you, helps with your joints, it does everything. Whereas studies clearly show that zebra cakes are only about 80% as good as water.
O.K. Back to me. My girlfriend made me stir fry last night with something called "toe foow" which is otherwise known as "not food." However she flavored it like food, and as an Ethiopian, I gobbled it down. I even invited her to make it again if she wants. In fact, to be honest with you, with her making my food recently (I cannot cook, only order out) I honestly have to wonder when the last time I ate meat was. I know that answer is easy for bear, it was the last time he was on his knees, or this morning.
Lorraine Says: I know water is good for you, idiot, that's why I'm drinking it.
Not good for you? This imaginary girlfriend that you keep trying to sell us. Now she's cooking for you? Right.
Also not good? Being consumed with thoughts of Bear and all the meat he eats. It's clear to me that you are. Seriously, this obssession with all of our sex lives has got to be as unhealthy as a box of zebra cakes. Probably worse.
The Wife Says: I'm pretty sure that Tricky's "girlfriend" is really just his mother. Maybe an aunt if we're lucky.
How good is he at photoshop? Because the next step is he's going to show us a photograph as "proof."
Lorraine: As an ending side note, Tricky asked me to post this for him, which is why you'll see my name down below. And when asked what I should title the post about his fake girlfriend, his love of Bear's man-meat, the fact that he's dating his mom or aunt or both, the lovely gem of a quote that is now the title of this post is what he gave me.
Real original kid. Real original.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Great Water Myth
Lorraine Says: Aside from the occasional (and almost medicinal) cup of coffee, I've managed to phase every other drink out of my life. It's all me and water now.
"Oh, great Lorraine! Good job. How are you feeling? All thirst quenched?"
NO. Dammit.
This is the stupidest thing ever, because as I've increased my total water intake, I've gotten progressively thirstier. I'm that girl now, carrying around the super cute, super jumbo water bottle and taking sips out of it like if I were Lily and the water were tequila.
No matter how much water I drink (a lot) I always feel thirsty (not healthy) and cotton mouthy (ewww). And I swear, I didn't take that green little Chinese diet pill either.
I hate you, water.
That said, I lost another pound this week for a total weight loss of 4 pounds since we started. Look, I know 1-2 pounds a week is a pretty healthy weight loss rate, but it's also really fudgin' BORING.
Everything about diets is boring. I mean, I just spouted off about WATER as the most exciting thing in my entire diet week. I know some one is going to come out of the woodwork and say, "healthy food can be delicious!" and I'll say, "no. Chocolate is delicious."
And the truth of it all is that I don't really care that much about food. I want it to be two things really: easy and fast. (Dammit I can hear the whore jokes now. I beat you to it though, so consider shutting the hell up, son.)
Easy + fast + diet = bland.
That probably explains why I rebelled over the weekend. I gorged myself on sushi, I had IHOP, a vanilla Frosty, chocolate wine and I shared a box of zebra cakes. This is spread over Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so all things considered, this is still me behaving better than usual.
Sigh.
Did I mention the one pound?
Lily says: Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions.
Water is pretty boring. Drink some ginger ale... or Gatorade. Something to not make you feel like you just finished smoking pot.
Congrats on the one pound.
Bret Says: You think water doesn't work, however you spent your weekend as a human garbage dump for fat filled dairy drinks, 24 hour restaurant crap, alcohol that of course included chocolate, and at least a gallon of magical man juice (the last one was inferred).
Thus I think that you lost one pound from the water alone. I'd congratulate you, but I'll save it for the results of your next STD panel.
Lor Says: And by "inferred" you definitely mean "I was having wet dreams about you again."
Dreams are just dreams, Bret. I'm STD and another pound free. I know that excites you in all kinds of ways, but no, I still won't sleep with you.
"Oh, great Lorraine! Good job. How are you feeling? All thirst quenched?"
NO. Dammit.
This is the stupidest thing ever, because as I've increased my total water intake, I've gotten progressively thirstier. I'm that girl now, carrying around the super cute, super jumbo water bottle and taking sips out of it like if I were Lily and the water were tequila.
No matter how much water I drink (a lot) I always feel thirsty (not healthy) and cotton mouthy (ewww). And I swear, I didn't take that green little Chinese diet pill either.
I hate you, water.
That said, I lost another pound this week for a total weight loss of 4 pounds since we started. Look, I know 1-2 pounds a week is a pretty healthy weight loss rate, but it's also really fudgin' BORING.
Everything about diets is boring. I mean, I just spouted off about WATER as the most exciting thing in my entire diet week. I know some one is going to come out of the woodwork and say, "healthy food can be delicious!" and I'll say, "no. Chocolate is delicious."
And the truth of it all is that I don't really care that much about food. I want it to be two things really: easy and fast. (Dammit I can hear the whore jokes now. I beat you to it though, so consider shutting the hell up, son.)
Easy + fast + diet = bland.
That probably explains why I rebelled over the weekend. I gorged myself on sushi, I had IHOP, a vanilla Frosty, chocolate wine and I shared a box of zebra cakes. This is spread over Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so all things considered, this is still me behaving better than usual.
Sigh.
Did I mention the one pound?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Lily says: Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions.
Water is pretty boring. Drink some ginger ale... or Gatorade. Something to not make you feel like you just finished smoking pot.
Congrats on the one pound.
Bret Says: You think water doesn't work, however you spent your weekend as a human garbage dump for fat filled dairy drinks, 24 hour restaurant crap, alcohol that of course included chocolate, and at least a gallon of magical man juice (the last one was inferred).
Thus I think that you lost one pound from the water alone. I'd congratulate you, but I'll save it for the results of your next STD panel.
Lor Says: And by "inferred" you definitely mean "I was having wet dreams about you again."
Dreams are just dreams, Bret. I'm STD and another pound free. I know that excites you in all kinds of ways, but no, I still won't sleep with you.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sometimes, life just shits on your face and then smears it in...
TBM Says: I've had a pretty healthy week. I've been eating like I should and I've gone to the gym everyday since Thursday (the first day of my membership). but I haven't really seen any real results.
My blood sugar is about the same and I think I've actually gained a pound. I'm not going to bother with the whole "muscle is heavier then fat" argument. It feels like bullshit and likely is. It's like my body doesn't understand what's going on...I workout and it's like "What the fuck are you doing? I was holding on to that fat for winter and shit man..." Well fuck you body...time to be a little lesser.
Anyway...next week we'll be visiting family and I really need to come up with a game plan to keep up the workouts and try not to gorge myself at some of my favorite dives.
I'm thinking that I can probably do some beach jogs to keep the workouts rolling...I'm thinking the dogs might like that as well. I might get a little extra workout just trying to get them to go near the water. And as far as gorging myself...well I promise I'll only have 1 Baked Salmon roll at Sakura and I swear I'll share the Mardi Gras Nachos at Brownstone. Difficult as it may be.
Lily Says: By any chance, was the pound you gained the pound I lost last week?
If so, it was supposed to go to Bret.
The Wife Says: I think both of our bodies are rebelling. It's starting to get cold outside, natural hibernation time for Bears, and what do we do?
Make them move.
It's no wonder they hate us. (And yes, I noticed I've gained a pound or two since this whole work out things started).
My blood sugar is about the same and I think I've actually gained a pound. I'm not going to bother with the whole "muscle is heavier then fat" argument. It feels like bullshit and likely is. It's like my body doesn't understand what's going on...I workout and it's like "What the fuck are you doing? I was holding on to that fat for winter and shit man..." Well fuck you body...time to be a little lesser.
Anyway...next week we'll be visiting family and I really need to come up with a game plan to keep up the workouts and try not to gorge myself at some of my favorite dives.
I'm thinking that I can probably do some beach jogs to keep the workouts rolling...I'm thinking the dogs might like that as well. I might get a little extra workout just trying to get them to go near the water. And as far as gorging myself...well I promise I'll only have 1 Baked Salmon roll at Sakura and I swear I'll share the Mardi Gras Nachos at Brownstone. Difficult as it may be.
Lily Says: By any chance, was the pound you gained the pound I lost last week?
If so, it was supposed to go to Bret.
The Wife Says: I think both of our bodies are rebelling. It's starting to get cold outside, natural hibernation time for Bears, and what do we do?
Make them move.
It's no wonder they hate us. (And yes, I noticed I've gained a pound or two since this whole work out things started).
The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says: My God, and you guys got on me for blaming my family.
Bear, sorry to say, you aren't ACTUALLY a bear. A nickname does not make it so. You are a human, as a human, you do not hibernate.
You gained a pound because you are a failure at life, and this "diet" is part of your life. There is good news though, as a big fat slob you will likely die at a relatively young age, and therefore your constant shortcomings will no longer be a "heavy" load.
Oh, and so far this week I have lost weight. I just finished a healthy bowl of cream of mushroom soup for lunch, along with my glass of water, and tonight I will be playing softball.
So eat it. Oh why even say that? I know you will.
Failure. Nom nom nom. Depression. Nom nom nom. Impotence. Nom nom nom.
PS...Sorry for the late post. Also, WTF Lorraine? I'm not good enough to get a response today?
Friday, November 12, 2010
You're doing what to my what???
Witless Exposition says:
I feel I'm in good company with Lil. I lost one pound as well (we can talk about celebratory drinks later). I really haven't done much beside run out of Halloween candy and caught up on housework.
I do feel bad about making fun of Bret now, though, (OK, not really, but I sort of feel bad for not feeling bad...maybe?) because I'm about to do what he's been doing: blame my family.
But at least I'm blaming all of them and not singling them out. I'm blaming genetics. Tomorrow I'm going to an endocrinologist to see if I have PCOS, poly cystic ovarian syndrome. So I read up on it and guess what the number one symptom is?
Fatassitis.
Yup, I might actually have a gland problem making me fat!!
But where it gets fuzzy is that one of the main things you can do to treat it is to "loose" weight.
Vicious bitch of a cycle.
So while looking at the treatments, I was thinking, "OK, this doesn't sound so bad." But then I got to the last couple of treatments, one of which is OVARIAN DRILLING!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, for the record, I don't want anyone drilling my ovaries, except for Jason Statham...and TBM, or course.
So with that in mind, I joined the fatass gym (aka Planet Fitness) and am going to try and get on the ball. The last thing I want is to not do my part to get better and then have to resort to Ovarian Drilling...
Unless Jason calls that is.
Lorraine says:
Wife, I know all too well what you're going through. I also suspect that I have PCOS, and it's where all my effed-up body problems stem from. And yep, fatassitis certainly is on that list.
I, however, hate doctors. HATE. As much as I love chocolate? That's how much I hate doctors.
Or... let's see... you know how much I hate Bret? I hate doctors just a little less than that.
After a round of the vag doctor sending me to an endocrinologist who sent me back to a vag doctor who decided I needed a super special vag doctor, I took a little break from trying to figure out what was wrong with me. And from all the rape.
I, however, didn't know about ovarian drilling which makes the medical rape seem less daunting. I'll call my doctor tomorrow.
She'll be happy to know, I'm sure, that I'm working on the fattassy part of it already! Complete with a non-support group.
"I have this whole group of people doctor, who mention Zebra Cakes at every turn, who rhyme my name with whore, who are racist against my colors and who wish me no luck at all. It's amazing."
Yup.
Lily says:
Yay! ONE POUND CLUB!
I suspect there some ovary issue in me too... but, much like Lor, I dislike doctors. And why go to a doctor when I can go to a witch doctor and get the evil spirits slapped out of my body with palms?! Right?
Bret says:
Wow, I'm thinking I need to get my vag checked out to see if it's making me fat.
Oh, and if ovarian drilling worked, Lor would be 75 pounds. Ever read one of her blog posts? "So back when I was sleeping with this guy..."
Lorraine says:
I've met you Bret, and the first thing I thought was, "this guy has a vagina."
In fact, soon after returning home from visiting Bret, one of my friends who won't be named asked me if perhaps you played for the all-sausage team and didn't quite know it yet.
Lor: He has a girlfriend. They've been dating for a few years.
Friend: YEAH, that's the not knowing it part...
I know you aren't gay Bret. Maybe only for Bear.
Plus, you totally tried to sleep with me. Have you guys ever noticed how concerned Bret is about who I sleep with? It's because I totally turned his advances down. I knew, even then, that sleeping with Bret wouldn't help my cause as that would've been something akin to ovarian tickling.
Lily says:
In the words of all my ghetto friends... "DAMN BRET, YOU JUST GOT TREATED". But yeah, we should all take a Blogging Blobs field trip to the OB/GYN office place death bed. Lor, W, Bret and me. And then TBM can pick us up and tell us we're all going to be okay.
TBM says:
I am supportive like that.
I feel I'm in good company with Lil. I lost one pound as well (we can talk about celebratory drinks later). I really haven't done much beside run out of Halloween candy and caught up on housework.
I do feel bad about making fun of Bret now, though, (OK, not really, but I sort of feel bad for not feeling bad...maybe?) because I'm about to do what he's been doing: blame my family.
But at least I'm blaming all of them and not singling them out. I'm blaming genetics. Tomorrow I'm going to an endocrinologist to see if I have PCOS, poly cystic ovarian syndrome. So I read up on it and guess what the number one symptom is?
Fatassitis.
Yup, I might actually have a gland problem making me fat!!
But where it gets fuzzy is that one of the main things you can do to treat it is to "loose" weight.
Vicious bitch of a cycle.
So while looking at the treatments, I was thinking, "OK, this doesn't sound so bad." But then I got to the last couple of treatments, one of which is OVARIAN DRILLING!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, for the record, I don't want anyone drilling my ovaries, except for Jason Statham...and TBM, or course.
So with that in mind, I joined the fatass gym (aka Planet Fitness) and am going to try and get on the ball. The last thing I want is to not do my part to get better and then have to resort to Ovarian Drilling...
Unless Jason calls that is.
Lorraine says:
Wife, I know all too well what you're going through. I also suspect that I have PCOS, and it's where all my effed-up body problems stem from. And yep, fatassitis certainly is on that list.
I, however, hate doctors. HATE. As much as I love chocolate? That's how much I hate doctors.
Or... let's see... you know how much I hate Bret? I hate doctors just a little less than that.
After a round of the vag doctor sending me to an endocrinologist who sent me back to a vag doctor who decided I needed a super special vag doctor, I took a little break from trying to figure out what was wrong with me. And from all the rape.
I, however, didn't know about ovarian drilling which makes the medical rape seem less daunting. I'll call my doctor tomorrow.
She'll be happy to know, I'm sure, that I'm working on the fattassy part of it already! Complete with a non-support group.
"I have this whole group of people doctor, who mention Zebra Cakes at every turn, who rhyme my name with whore, who are racist against my colors and who wish me no luck at all. It's amazing."
Yup.
Lily says:
Yay! ONE POUND CLUB!
I suspect there some ovary issue in me too... but, much like Lor, I dislike doctors. And why go to a doctor when I can go to a witch doctor and get the evil spirits slapped out of my body with palms?! Right?
Bret says:
Wow, I'm thinking I need to get my vag checked out to see if it's making me fat.
Oh, and if ovarian drilling worked, Lor would be 75 pounds. Ever read one of her blog posts? "So back when I was sleeping with this guy..."
Lorraine says:
I've met you Bret, and the first thing I thought was, "this guy has a vagina."
In fact, soon after returning home from visiting Bret, one of my friends who won't be named asked me if perhaps you played for the all-sausage team and didn't quite know it yet.
Lor: He has a girlfriend. They've been dating for a few years.
Friend: YEAH, that's the not knowing it part...
I know you aren't gay Bret. Maybe only for Bear.
Plus, you totally tried to sleep with me. Have you guys ever noticed how concerned Bret is about who I sleep with? It's because I totally turned his advances down. I knew, even then, that sleeping with Bret wouldn't help my cause as that would've been something akin to ovarian tickling.
Lily says:
In the words of all my ghetto friends... "DAMN BRET, YOU JUST GOT TREATED". But yeah, we should all take a Blogging Blobs field trip to the OB/GYN office place death bed. Lor, W, Bret and me. And then TBM can pick us up and tell us we're all going to be okay.
TBM says:
I am supportive like that.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Home Is Where The Food Is
Lorraine Says: In some ways, I think that quitting food is quite like quitting smoking.
Not that I would really know, seeing as how I've never been a smoker, but I have heard it said that half the battle is overcoming the habit. WORD.
To explain better, there's a little bit that you should know about me. If Bret's racism wasn't a big enough clue, I'm brown. More specifically both of my parents are Dominican. My mother is one of 17 total children (that includes half brothers and sisters) and my father is one of 22 (and that includes your mom. Seriously. That family tree is so fucked, I wouldn't doubt it.)
Essentially: big Dominican family. That said, my mother raised me on two rules about food:
1.) Never, ever, ever ask for food at other people's houses. It doesn't matter if you are starving. It doesn't matter if this food is for children in Africa. It doesn't matter if it is a stranger or your aunt, don't fudgin' do it.
2.) If food is offered to you, politely decline once. If they insist, eat it. It doesn't matter if you aren't hungry. It doesn't matter if you don't like it. It doesn't matter if you are allergic to it. Suck it up, and eat it.
To say that food is a big part of our family dealings would be an understatement. We do everything to food. We celebrate everything with food. For every person that steps across the threshold of our house, another pot of coffee is made.
I thought about this on Sunday night as I laughed with my cousins about our other cousin who has become rather unfortunate looking since becoming pregnant. I laughed and laughed into my giant cup of coffee. Mid-sip, I thought, FUDGE, I'm supposed to be quitting coffee.
It hadn't even registered up until that point. It was habit: people are here, pour me some coffee. You offered me a slice of something? Eat it. Bored at work? Reach for the chocolate. These are the things I've been fighting against.
And it isn't easy at all.
Despite that, however, I've did good-ish! Not Bear-Grease-Coma-good (as is evidenced by my presence on this blog. Seriously. Where the hell are Bear and Mrs. Bear?) but actually good.
Failures:
-Two cups of coffee. A frozen thingy with Rox before we went shopping Saturday and the gossip coffee on Sunday night.
- I had chocolate 4 days out of this past week instead of 3 days. Which is still pretty amazing if you ask me.
Success:
- I lost three pounds.
Yes, BRET. That is lost as in lose, as in you can suck a fat one because I still hate you for nitpicking on that. Stupid head.
Lily, your one pound looks all lonely. Might want to step up your game. Or, you know, drink your sorrows away.
Bret Says: Quitting food is harder than quitting smoking. You HAVE to eat to survive. Going Cold Turkey makes you look like a holocaust survivor. Thus with eating, multiple times a day you have to make a smart decision, and that's hard.
And let's not even get into the fact that you have to exercise to do this right.
Smokers are pussies. They have two choices. Yes or No. Yes is always wrong, and No is always right.
That's right, 2 choices. Whereas for we fat people, Ben and Jerry's has well over 32,000 flavors, of which at least 17 include tobacco, so really it's like we have to quit smoking as well.
And while I am honestly proud of you and your 3 pounds loosed, I must say that in reality you don't stand a chance. From your own words:
"Mid-sip, I thought, FUDGE, I'm supposed to be quitting coffee."
Yup, even when you are profane it involves chocolate. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's a crude allusion to gay sex. For your diet's sake, let's hope that's it.
Bear Says: Sorry all...I've had a really busy week here at the office. I'm currently stuck between 2 teams on my project and trying to meet the standards for both is proving to be time consuming.
Lor! 3 pounds is fudging awesome!! I mean I can't fudging believe that you've lost that much fudging weight in a fudging week.
I mean I'm super fudging impressed. And fudge that fudger Bret. He's just a fudging motherfudger. Fudge him!!
BROWNIE!!
Lor Says: It's okay Bear. We know that you often play for two teams and that you are consumed by trying to please them both. See what I did there?
Bret, remember when I said "moist" and it made you all happy in the pants, or something? That's what Ben and Jerry's just did for me. I'll skip the tobacco flavors though, because imagine having to quit smoking AND food. It would never happen. Well, just look at Lily; she's trying to quit drinking and eating and well... "her scale is broken."
I didn't loose pounds. I don't know why, but I always relate pounds to you Bret. And to loose your pounds... EW. Dammit why do these things always revert back to terrible mental images.
Lily Says: I feel that this is going to be Bret going on a racist rant again.... feel free to use that tag, Lor.
Yes. Congrats on the 3 lbs. My one pound may be lonely... but it's gone and pretty sure it has found it's way to Bret.
The Wife Says: Sorry I went MIA yesterday guys. My white guilt had me so horrified by Bret's racism that I couldn't take part (plus meeting, doctors visits, etc.).
Lor, I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not as pasty white as I thought I was. Maybe there's some brown blood in my family somewhere, because I can totally relate to your mother's rules.
A third rule of my mom's was always offer your guests something to eat (the less healthy the better), so I also have some enabling in my genes, too. TBM has a healthy dose of that, too, though. He just sent me an e-mail with a recipe for Sopapilla Cheesecake.
God, this is going to be a tough week.
Lorraine Says: Lily, I think we should all wish our lost pounds on Bret.
Wife, Bear is obviously sabotaging you. 3 Muskateers tortillas, Joseph's Bakery, Cheesecake recipes and.. well.. you can admit it: Lackluster sex lately, right? Just really lazy, non-calorie burning sex.
It's a conspiracy, Wife.
Also, offering your guests a diabetic coma is a must for my family as well.
Bret Says: I'm not sure if this has already posted or not, but i'll try to throw this in anyway...did anyone notice that Bear said he was "stuck between two teams at the office?" Now I understand why Bear needs to lose weight...
Also, if you think I'm racist he called Lor a "brownie." I don't mind Hispanics. I think they should get the same opportunities as the rest of us, but not really in the same vicinity. I call it "seperate but equal."
Lor Says: "Seperate but equal" is what I call your multiple servings at dinner.
Not that I would really know, seeing as how I've never been a smoker, but I have heard it said that half the battle is overcoming the habit. WORD.
To explain better, there's a little bit that you should know about me. If Bret's racism wasn't a big enough clue, I'm brown. More specifically both of my parents are Dominican. My mother is one of 17 total children (that includes half brothers and sisters) and my father is one of 22 (and that includes your mom. Seriously. That family tree is so fucked, I wouldn't doubt it.)
Essentially: big Dominican family. That said, my mother raised me on two rules about food:
1.) Never, ever, ever ask for food at other people's houses. It doesn't matter if you are starving. It doesn't matter if this food is for children in Africa. It doesn't matter if it is a stranger or your aunt, don't fudgin' do it.
2.) If food is offered to you, politely decline once. If they insist, eat it. It doesn't matter if you aren't hungry. It doesn't matter if you don't like it. It doesn't matter if you are allergic to it. Suck it up, and eat it.
To say that food is a big part of our family dealings would be an understatement. We do everything to food. We celebrate everything with food. For every person that steps across the threshold of our house, another pot of coffee is made.
I thought about this on Sunday night as I laughed with my cousins about our other cousin who has become rather unfortunate looking since becoming pregnant. I laughed and laughed into my giant cup of coffee. Mid-sip, I thought, FUDGE, I'm supposed to be quitting coffee.
It hadn't even registered up until that point. It was habit: people are here, pour me some coffee. You offered me a slice of something? Eat it. Bored at work? Reach for the chocolate. These are the things I've been fighting against.
And it isn't easy at all.
Despite that, however, I've did good-ish! Not Bear-Grease-Coma-good (as is evidenced by my presence on this blog. Seriously. Where the hell are Bear and Mrs. Bear?) but actually good.
Failures:
-Two cups of coffee. A frozen thingy with Rox before we went shopping Saturday and the gossip coffee on Sunday night.
- I had chocolate 4 days out of this past week instead of 3 days. Which is still pretty amazing if you ask me.
Success:
- I lost three pounds.
Yes, BRET. That is lost as in lose, as in you can suck a fat one because I still hate you for nitpicking on that. Stupid head.
Lily, your one pound looks all lonely. Might want to step up your game. Or, you know, drink your sorrows away.
--------------------------------------------
Bret Says: Quitting food is harder than quitting smoking. You HAVE to eat to survive. Going Cold Turkey makes you look like a holocaust survivor. Thus with eating, multiple times a day you have to make a smart decision, and that's hard.
And let's not even get into the fact that you have to exercise to do this right.
Smokers are pussies. They have two choices. Yes or No. Yes is always wrong, and No is always right.
That's right, 2 choices. Whereas for we fat people, Ben and Jerry's has well over 32,000 flavors, of which at least 17 include tobacco, so really it's like we have to quit smoking as well.
And while I am honestly proud of you and your 3 pounds loosed, I must say that in reality you don't stand a chance. From your own words:
"Mid-sip, I thought, FUDGE, I'm supposed to be quitting coffee."
Yup, even when you are profane it involves chocolate. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's a crude allusion to gay sex. For your diet's sake, let's hope that's it.
Bear Says: Sorry all...I've had a really busy week here at the office. I'm currently stuck between 2 teams on my project and trying to meet the standards for both is proving to be time consuming.
Lor! 3 pounds is fudging awesome!! I mean I can't fudging believe that you've lost that much fudging weight in a fudging week.
I mean I'm super fudging impressed. And fudge that fudger Bret. He's just a fudging motherfudger. Fudge him!!
BROWNIE!!
Lor Says: It's okay Bear. We know that you often play for two teams and that you are consumed by trying to please them both. See what I did there?
Bret, remember when I said "moist" and it made you all happy in the pants, or something? That's what Ben and Jerry's just did for me. I'll skip the tobacco flavors though, because imagine having to quit smoking AND food. It would never happen. Well, just look at Lily; she's trying to quit drinking and eating and well... "her scale is broken."
I didn't loose pounds. I don't know why, but I always relate pounds to you Bret. And to loose your pounds... EW. Dammit why do these things always revert back to terrible mental images.
Lily Says: I feel that this is going to be Bret going on a racist rant again.... feel free to use that tag, Lor.
Yes. Congrats on the 3 lbs. My one pound may be lonely... but it's gone and pretty sure it has found it's way to Bret.
The Wife Says: Sorry I went MIA yesterday guys. My white guilt had me so horrified by Bret's racism that I couldn't take part (plus meeting, doctors visits, etc.).
Lor, I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not as pasty white as I thought I was. Maybe there's some brown blood in my family somewhere, because I can totally relate to your mother's rules.
A third rule of my mom's was always offer your guests something to eat (the less healthy the better), so I also have some enabling in my genes, too. TBM has a healthy dose of that, too, though. He just sent me an e-mail with a recipe for Sopapilla Cheesecake.
God, this is going to be a tough week.
Lorraine Says: Lily, I think we should all wish our lost pounds on Bret.
Wife, Bear is obviously sabotaging you. 3 Muskateers tortillas, Joseph's Bakery, Cheesecake recipes and.. well.. you can admit it: Lackluster sex lately, right? Just really lazy, non-calorie burning sex.
It's a conspiracy, Wife.
Also, offering your guests a diabetic coma is a must for my family as well.
Bret Says: I'm not sure if this has already posted or not, but i'll try to throw this in anyway...did anyone notice that Bear said he was "stuck between two teams at the office?" Now I understand why Bear needs to lose weight...
Also, if you think I'm racist he called Lor a "brownie." I don't mind Hispanics. I think they should get the same opportunities as the rest of us, but not really in the same vicinity. I call it "seperate but equal."
Lor Says: "Seperate but equal" is what I call your multiple servings at dinner.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
9 Pounds O' Poo
Bret Says: I honestly thought dieting would be easy, but I knew I was screwed on day one when I woke up upset. I mean, plenty of time I don't even eat breakfast and it has no affect on me at all, however last Thursday I woke up hungry and pissed off that I had to be healthy. That sucked...
And that was probably the worst thing he's said... up until this point. He just blamed his fat-assness on HIS GRANDPARENTS.
Now, I know nothing about his g-parents, but I do know the town they live in, which might as well be called "Retirement Town for the Infirm and Innocent Elderly Who Love Their Graindkids, Florida." Bret can't control his eating and he blames his grandparents who are feeding him out of the kindness of their hearts (because if I were as cheap as Bret claims they are, and I had a super-sized grandkid, I wouldn't even open the door.)
Also, Bret lost weight, but I'm choosing not to even recognize it. Why? HE PACKED ON WEIGHT BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED. Do you remember him saying that? He purposefully gained 16 pounds before starting the diet. I'm not acknowledging your weightloss BRET until you're back to pre-I-ate-McDonalds-four-
It's like if I gain a pound every weekend and lose it every week and come back and tell you about all these single pounds I'm losing. We'll be here FOREVER. Well, some of us will. Lily will be dead.
Don't even get me started on "your grandpa's sausage." Sick.
Witless Says: You know, I really thought I'd pull out the stops today, seeing as how I know Bret's a big boy and can take the heat.
But then when I saw how sad and pathetic his week was, I thought I'd spare him. I mean really, while Lil was out getting drunk, Lor was debating the merits of Zebra cakes with Rox, and TBM and I were guzzling sausage:
Bret was by himself having a heart attack.
Guys, we came this close to actually knowing someone who died in their apartment and wasn't discovered until weeks later.
I will tell you that I woke up 285, and as of Monday when I could last weigh myself I was 276. This is probably a testament to the continuing saga of my scale most likely being broken, but honestly I had a pretty healthy week. In fact, the worst part was Halloween night. Not because of there being candy all around me but because after eating vegetarian chili and walnuts I thought I was having a heart attack. Seriously. My chest hurt, my left arm was pounding, I couldn't breath, and I basically just laid in bed in agony for hours on end. I knew I wouldn't die, I'm too young to actually die of a heart attack, however one thought kept going through my head. "I haven't eaten meat today."
I promise you if the last day of my life is to be worth anything, I will have eaten meat at some point. Meat is awesome.
I haven't had any major urges, but I haven't been great either. I took a trip to my grandparents house, people who are so cheap they never ever buy healthy food. They basically only serve fried hunks of those abused animals in that Sarah McGlaughlin commercial that plays all of the time.
Still, on the way down I stopped at Wendy's. Yes, I had a cheeseburger, but NO FRIES.
I was pretty good at my grandparents also, until Wednesday. I had a huge breakfast, but it was all from guilt. My Grandparents are mocked for their cheapness all of the time, and as a result they are hurt if you don't eat their often expired food. So I had a double helping of my Grandpa's sausage, and I had a few biscuits with jelly on them because he kept insisting.
Yes Bear, out of guilt I kept shoving my Grandpa's sausage in my mouth, and I swallowed down his jelly. At least mine wasn't for pleasure.
Also for dinner we had lasagna. I love lasagna. I am like Garfield in that way, only less active. Still, I wanted to limit myself to one serving of lasagna and one piece of garlic bread. And I am proud to say I succeeded wildly. I was very proud of myself for my restraint, and it really showed me that I can beat this thing after all. Thus, with this happy news I decided to reward myself.
With another helping of lasagna and another piece of garlic bread.
-----END TRANSMISSION-----
TBM Says: So let me get this straight...your reward for not being a total fat ass and gorging yourself on lasagna was to go ahead and gorge yourself on lasagna? Man...I wish I was as misguided as you.
I mean seriously...the next thing you're going to tell us is that you ate a pack of cookies and because, you're fucking awesome, and didn't eat a second pack of cookies, that you instead ate a whole damn case.
Bravo Bret...bravo.
Lorraine Says: Bret has already said some pretty mean things on this blog. I mean, he talked bad about my thighs. If you know nothing else, please know that Bret is a mean bastard because he talked about my thighs.
And that was probably the worst thing he's said... up until this point. He just blamed his fat-assness on HIS GRANDPARENTS.
Now, I know nothing about his g-parents, but I do know the town they live in, which might as well be called "Retirement Town for the Infirm and Innocent Elderly Who Love Their Graindkids, Florida." Bret can't control his eating and he blames his grandparents who are feeding him out of the kindness of their hearts (because if I were as cheap as Bret claims they are, and I had a super-sized grandkid, I wouldn't even open the door.)
Also, Bret lost weight, but I'm choosing not to even recognize it. Why? HE PACKED ON WEIGHT BEFORE THIS ALL STARTED. Do you remember him saying that? He purposefully gained 16 pounds before starting the diet. I'm not acknowledging your weightloss BRET until you're back to pre-I-ate-McDonalds-four-
It's like if I gain a pound every weekend and lose it every week and come back and tell you about all these single pounds I'm losing. We'll be here FOREVER. Well, some of us will. Lily will be dead.
Don't even get me started on "your grandpa's sausage." Sick.
Witless Says: You know, I really thought I'd pull out the stops today, seeing as how I know Bret's a big boy and can take the heat.
But then when I saw how sad and pathetic his week was, I thought I'd spare him. I mean really, while Lil was out getting drunk, Lor was debating the merits of Zebra cakes with Rox, and TBM and I were guzzling sausage:
Bret was by himself having a heart attack.
Guys, we came this close to actually knowing someone who died in their apartment and wasn't discovered until weeks later.
Bret Says: Alright Bear, let's get this straight. I ate two helpings of lasagna. 2. Not 15. This is a substantial improvement for me O.K.?
Lor: The weight counts, but I completely acknowledge why it is that I lost it. It's not because I was healthy. It's because natural processes occurred and I was frequently in the bathroom and dropping off 3 pounds of chicken fingers at a time. Still, I wasn't replacing it with 4 pounds, so I'm proud.
Witless: I guarantee you I would be found way before that. The smell that a produce while alive has been known to kill cows on contact. If I were dead it would cause all of central Florida to become some sort of Chernobyl.
Lily: WHERE ARE YOU YOU DUMB WHORE? I assume you are lying on the pavement bloated and drooling somewhere stinking of tequila with ding dongs sticking out of your mouth.
AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE HOSTESS PRODUCT!
WE HAVE ONLY JUST BEGUN....
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"Oh-nos, eatin' them ding-dongs and hohos"
I have to agree that this weekend was horrible to start a diet.
I mean, c’mon, really? Halloween and I’m not supposed to eat candy… I mean, sure, I have an apple… but it’s a taffy apple. Caramel. Peanuts. Almonds. Oh yay! … but it’s just sitting there, on my desk. Lonely. I’ll probably give it away. But who knows… maybe I’ll decide I really really really need that taffy apple.
But to serve as inspiration:
Ignore that pink stains on my otherwise perfectly fine white polo. It was a rough night of drinking. And I believe we were drinking X-Rated and Sprites … or pink margaritas. That is the girl I ate, apparently. This was me at about 140 lbs. Then slowly I began drinking my calories in vodka. And sometimes potatoes or grilled cheese sammies, and occassionally tomato soup.
So this is how it goes:
- No McDonald’s. Or fast food in general. Because, really, you don’t need that.
- No soda/carbonated beverages.
- This one kills me but …. No BOOZE. And this one is the hardest because, really, I would die if I were not able to drink at least a gin and tonic, or vodka tonic…. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right?
- Limit bread/tortilla intake. Oh yeah, trust me. This is hard. Because being Mexican you can eat anything with tortillas… and along with booze, it’s gonna be hard not to reach for the tortilla at dinner.
So, really, diet started yesterday.
Witless Exposition Says: The second post and we're still talking about eating people? We're going to start getting a serious reputation.
Don't feel like you have to give up booze forever, drunkeness looks good on you. Besides, vodka can't have that many calories, right? Right? RIGHT?
Bret Says: I'm sorry, are you people not getting this? This is a diet blog, not a "someday, if I were to diet I would..."
These have to be the least successful attempts to diet ever. People aren't even making it to their first POST.
And Lily, you might as well quit the blog now. Seriously. You'll never make it. No drinking? You named your blog after alcohol. The picture of the person you want to be involves a drunken booze-stained whore who looks like she went off and offered to "throw her weight around" with a few guys.
Let's just admit that your diet is over right now. Good job, you almost made it all the way to the start of a diet, but it was just too much for you.
So what do you guys say, should me take applications for a 5th person? It could be a lot of fun to read people's accounts of why they are fat enough to join our pursuit of health, while Lily sits at home dipping tortilla shells in tequila and chocolate.
Lorraine Says: Oh Bret. Have you lost all faith? Obviously if Lily is going to fail for any reason, it'll be because she's going to die from alcohol withdrawal. Seriously, she's gonna die from lack of gin and tonic. That's what she said.
It's a sad way to go, but maybe by the time she actually kicks the bucket, she'll have lost a few pounds. Then people can say, "Well she was a lot more fun when she was fat, but at least she finally lost some weight!"
I'm just really happy that I won't be the first to die/quit/cry/develop an eating disorder. Maybe that's the logistics of it all (I am Wednesday after all) but a victory is a victory.
Dammit, do I want a flood of applications from fat people. I know you all want in on this support-less mess so desperately that you would consider sending all applications to me and a massive flood of cupcakes to TBM, Bret and The Wife. Win them over with sugar. Do it now.
I'll miss Lily, though.
I totally call that taffy apple, though.
It's a sad way to go, but maybe by the time she actually kicks the bucket, she'll have lost a few pounds. Then people can say, "Well she was a lot more fun when she was fat, but at least she finally lost some weight!"
I'm just really happy that I won't be the first to die/quit/cry/develop an eating disorder. Maybe that's the logistics of it all (I am Wednesday after all) but a victory is a victory.
Dammit, do I want a flood of applications from fat people. I know you all want in on this support-less mess so desperately that you would consider sending all applications to me and a massive flood of cupcakes to TBM, Bret and The Wife. Win them over with sugar. Do it now.
I'll miss Lily, though.
I totally call that taffy apple, though.
Witless Exposition Says: Lor, you can have the apple...I might fight you for the leftover booze though.
Lily, why did you have to mention tortillas? TBM got a crazy look in his eye tonight at the thought of dessert quesadillas. I think he's going to try and make them with the leftover Halloween candy...and then I'll eat them...and then kill him.
And it'll all be your fault.
Lily, why did you have to mention tortillas? TBM got a crazy look in his eye tonight at the thought of dessert quesadillas. I think he's going to try and make them with the leftover Halloween candy...and then I'll eat them...and then kill him.
And it'll all be your fault.
TBM Says: I don't know Lor...I've heard of severe cases of fatassitus killing people off. And that tell tale wine stain is just one of the many signs that our dear Lily has reached the point of no return. I mean for some people it's Cheetohs and some people it's booze...but rest assured Lor, we'll find your weakness sooner or later.
We already know Bret's weakness...money. A simple solution for a simple man. And the wife will be brought down by the glory that is the chocolate quesadilla. Obviously we'll need to get our dear Lily a couple cases of the cheapest wine around. I fully expect her to be a cheap drunk...
As for me...with the sausage fest behind me, I expect to get back on track rather quickly. After all, if I can lose 6 pounds without trying...I'm sure to crush you all if I do.
Lily Says: Okay... can you die from alcohol withdrawl? Like really? This is of serious concern!!!!!
Bret is suffering from Non-reading-itis. It kills one American a year.
TBM.... I may be a quitter, and a non-dieter, or a sloppy drunk... but cheap drunk... NEVER!
Mrs. TBM, first things first... where was I when the button was made?! I want! Second... tortillas are like effin' killer. They're like Mexican crack.
Quesadillas for all!
Bret Says: Trying Bear? You will try for 5 minutes, get exhausted, and then start spooning Nestle Quick powder straight from the package.
And Lily, it sounds like Non-reading-itis kills far fewer Americans than Mexican Drug Cartels. I realize that it isn't likely that you are part of one of these, but I'm fairly certain you would hide evidence for them in exchange for a fun pack of skittles and a half can of Pabst. But no, you're right. You're not a cheap drunk.
I think we should all try to avoid dying for now; I would hate for mt final act on this planet to be crushing pal bearers beneath the weight of my fat butt.
Also, if I die, please don't let Bear come to my funeral. I would be defenseless if he went for a taste of my sausage.
Stay tuned...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Wurst Diet Ever
So we've picked what could be considered the worst possible weekend to start a diet, or to even start considering a healthy lifestyle. Here in San Antonio we have a strong German background. Surprising I know...but the Latino population doesn't have the only predominate culture in the area.
This weekend was the opening of Wurst Fest. A local festival celebrating, you guessed it, the bratwurst. And of course no bratwurst festival is complete with out beer vendors pouring the best German and German inspired brews around. As a man I have a deep seeded love for both beer and brats and so I most definitely couldn't pass up the chance to gorge myself on the fair.
And as if God wasn't mocking me enough...yesterday's Halloween festivities were all about the food. We went and picked up a bunch of candy, just in case we had any trick or treaters and of course we snacked on our fair share of the bounty. And then there was the premiere of The Walking Dead. AMC's new show about the zombie apocalypse...as if there'd be any other kind of apocalypse. We decided to head up to the Alamo Drafthouse, easily my favorite place to go in the city, and of course we got a nice big bowl of popcorn covered with a vat of butter and salt and some more nice cold beers to wash it all down. All told an awesome evening to be sure.
Well...maybe not considering my diet.
Strangely enough though, I've managed to lose about 6 pounds. Having not exercised or eaten anything that would even vaguely resembles health food, I'm pretty much flabbergasted to say the least. Maybe I should take my fat ass to the beer store more often. Is that the hidden secret to the Ethiopian diet? The world may never know...
Bret Says: Do you even know what predominate means? It's the one with the MOST. So just how many cultures in your area have the MOST influence? 12? 31? Your lack of word definition knowledge makes me want to puke, which in turn should help my diet. That's my way of thanking you.
Let me also say that it doesn't surprise me in the least that you cannot resist having a bunch of sausages in your mouth.
I assume you lost you 6 pounds from "wurst" excitement that had your heart pounding all week, and a series of "wurst" related wet dreams.
Your ease of losing weight sickens people like me whose only goal is to gain weight at a slower rate. Maybe this week you should step it up by doing something more physical, like ordering takeout.
Lorraine Says: Seriously? This is how we're starting? With an "oh yeah, ABOUT that diet..." post? I mean, honestly, it's not like I'm doing much better, but at least I'm not effin' Monday.
And while we're being honest, I did the mental math: lots of sausage + lots of beer - 6 pounds = the runs.
I carried the one and everything and clearly it's the only logical explanation. Forget the Ethiopian diet. If your love of consuming mass amounts of gross sounding food is any indication, you are on the Painful Shits diet.
I am so sorry. I hope things get better.
And while we're being honest, I did the mental math: lots of sausage + lots of beer - 6 pounds = the runs.
I carried the one and everything and clearly it's the only logical explanation. Forget the Ethiopian diet. If your love of consuming mass amounts of gross sounding food is any indication, you are on the Painful Shits diet.
I am so sorry. I hope things get better.
Bret Says: Lor, I believe it is called "The Self Induced Flu."
I knew TBM was going on the Ethiopian diet, I just figured he meant that the was going to experiment with famine, drought, foreign invasion, and general unattractiveness.
Now I see he means he is going to actually eat Ethiopians...
This seems wildly inhumane. Ethiopians should not be eaten. Ethiopians should be given the life choice of starving to death, or selling their women into prostitution for a few grains of rice. That's what Jesus would want.
(I don't think we are going to get very many Ethiopian readers)
TBM Says: The thing about San Antonio is that for the most part it seems to be more of a collection of neighborhoods then anything. Each neighborhood has it's own cultural distinction, and as such I find it personally difficult to determine which culture is truly the predominate one. So I guess I should have said major cultures instead. Ya know what though...go suck a sausage Bret. I swear...it's very satisfying.
And Lor...how did you know?!?! I mean holy shit...literally...I haven't been able to keep that to myself all weekend.
Lorraine Says: If this weekend's meat-fest is any indication, maybe TBM has the "foreign invasion" part of the Ethiaopian diet down.
I'm not sure what Jesus would in fact say about eating Ethiopians but we all know what Jesus thinks about men who put a lot of sausage in their mouth.
Lily Says: Ummm... I know what I'm getting TBM for Christmas... a dictionary! You ate lots of sausage and lost 6 lbs... that sounds hella wrong. In like more ways than one.
Also, does my font look fat?
Stay tuned for more updates folks.
I'm not sure what Jesus would in fact say about eating Ethiopians but we all know what Jesus thinks about men who put a lot of sausage in their mouth.
Lily Says: Ummm... I know what I'm getting TBM for Christmas... a dictionary! You ate lots of sausage and lost 6 lbs... that sounds hella wrong. In like more ways than one.
Also, does my font look fat?
Stay tuned for more updates folks.
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