Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Cleanse

Lily Says: Last week, I was on spring break and decided it would be an awesome time to do a full body cleanse.

I went over to GNC and bought the least intensive looking box. I bought this on a Thursday... I started it on Friday.

Almost immediately after taking the first little packet of pills and some "probiotic" dust, I had to go empty out everything extra I've been carrying around. Perfect. At least I was at home. Came out feeling 5 pounds lighter.

The problem was that you had to do this routine twice a day. And Friday nights are Cardio nights. And problems ensued. I didn't really feel any urgency in leading up to cardio. I just kept burping alot, I do this all the time anyway so I didn't really think much of it. But as we kept going, I started feeling like I needed to go AT THAT MOMENT. I couldn't just get up and leave. I'm like a teenage boy, and have no sense of priority when I have to chose what to do first: sex, or everything else. Obviously, I chose sex.

As much as I wanted to just go to the bathroom, I couldn't. And it just kept going...

This was super hard, I was trying to enjoy the sex that was going on, but I couldn't because I started getting a horrible pain in my stomach and what I believe to be every other organ in my body. So it came down to the decision of whether I should fake an orgasm or not just to go to the bathroom.

I weighed the pros and cons of this... I had like a million cons, and only one pro.

I couldn't take the pain anymore, because for some reason, my boyfriend decided to lay directly on top of me when he was finishing... which I thought was strange. Because of that, I decided to fake it. I haven't faked it since ... a long time ago. And because I always go pee after we're done, it didn't seem suspicious.

Well, it was a waste of a fake orgasm. Because I didn't even have to empty my bowels when I went to the bathroom. I peed and farted. And not even a loud, cool smelly one. A stupid little girly one.

What. The. Fuck?!

Well, that was the same story for the rest of the seven days of the cleanse. Was it worth it? Fuck yes! Six pounds lighter. Would I sacrifice another orgasm for a fart? Yeah, probably.

Lorraine Says: Lily this disturbs all of my female sensibilities. Or something.

Mostly, it's about the grossest story that's ever been told on Blogging Blobs. This even takes into account back when Bret and Bear used to be super fond of telling us "hide the sausage" stories.

No, wait. That was grosser.

At least you know you still have the skill to fake an orgasm? I mean, no woman wants to think she's lost that touch, in case of emergency.

Six pounds though? Six pounds o' poo?
I am both intrigued and scared.

Lily Says: Well, it wasn't just poo. It was also a liver, heart, kidney etc cleanse. So there was lots of pee too.

I like to think that faking an orgasm is a good trait to have.

The good thing is this story wasnt a "sex poo" story.

Bear Says: Faking orgasms so you can fart? That's got to be one of the greatest most disgusting stories I've ever heard.

Where can I get this cleansing thing again? for a 6 pound drop I think I can do without Cardio for a few days.

Lily Says: Answer is: GNC