Friday, January 28, 2011

Fuck it Fridays...A New Trend?

Witless Exposition says: This week has been such utter fail that I want to pretend it never happened.  We only went to the gym a couple of times, and I felt like I was going to die ever second of it.  I haven't even played the Wii this week!

And my food intake has been pretty terrible.  For dinner one night, I basically had a whole loaf of French bread.

All those happy feelings about eating healthy and working out have abandoned me completely (like a certain someone's father that's led them to need so much "cardio" perhaps?  Or someone's mother that has led them to not be able to have relationships with flesh and blood women?)

My brain is saying a big and resounding fuck you to my willpower and it sucks.

Lily says:
Ouch. Cheap shot. 

Meh, I figured that if Oprah's weight can fluctuate, so can mine. And, well duh also this: < skinny people are unsuccessful. So fuck it, guys, we're all fat and successful. Except Bret. 

Lorraine says:
I'm about to say fuck it and buy a Ritter Sport. Seems like the more I go to the gym, the less weight I lose. I know this is completely false, but it's Friday and uh, basically, fuck it. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Tuesday... Blah.

Lily Says:  So... 

Cardio = WIN
Food = WIN
Weight loss = WIN
Workout = Lose. 

In this little campaign of ours, I have learned that soda is really bad. Not only have I stopped drinking the carbonated delight, I am prohibiting anyone around me from drinking it. That means, when I go out to lunch with my friends on a school day, I tell them "hey fucking whores, stop drinking fucking Coke ya bitches". And they oblige. 

I no longer feel as bloated. 

I mean, I'm still fat... but all the carbonation makes me feel fatter. Now, I feel like a normal fat person, rather than a fat fat person. If that makes sense? If it didn't let me break it down.. I feel human, I don't feel like Bret. 

The next thing I plan to cut out entirely is caffeine, but I know that I would probably go on a murderous rampage. What? I love coffee. 

TBM Says:  I'm not really sure why we should cut caffeine out of our diets.  Lor mentioned this before and I must be misinformed on the whole caffeine topic.

I thought the shit would raise our metabolism and thus cause us to burn more calories?  Now I'm also using Splenda to sweeten my coffee and tea, but I'm pretty sure it's the gobs of sugar you're adding to your coffee and not the caffeine itself that's causing your ENORMOUS ass.

Wife Says:  They tell alcoholics not to quit smoking or go on a diet while sobering up, so I'd put caffeine in that same category.  Why make it harder on yourself than it already is?

No Wee-Wee Says:  That's what she said?

Lily Says:  Wife: I don't think it's harder. Maybe I can just yell at my friends. Like "yo bitches, stop drinking coffee around me you fucking heifas... go eat a baby hippo" or some random insult like that.
Bret... I don't even know what to say, Dolphin. 

Monday, January 24, 2011

Bret's getting Cardio?

TBM Says: Not much to talk about today...I'm still right at 269.  I'm honestly kind of surprised though...our gym attendance has been abysmal.  I think we've only gone twice in the last week or more.  It's pretty pathetic all told.

Also, I'm not sure why but I think the Wife is trying to sabotage both of us.  Maybe not on purpose, but she's been craving bar food a lot and I'm powerless against her temptation of Buffalo wings.  The best I can do is get thin crust pizza instead of regular and fat free ranch instead of buttermilk...

God help me...cause my wife isn't.

Lily Says: Ha! 2-69.

Wifey Says: Cheap shot!  It's so not all my fault.  Besides, the cardio this week was my idea.

Lily Says: Plus TBM, act like you're not enjoying the pizza and wings. You may play a victim, but at least a well fed one. So this = not Wife's fault. 

Bret Lies: Ahhh....weekly cardio.  I get it now.

Lorraine Says: Bret is slow when it comes to all things sex. Or cardio. Uh, Bret is slow.

Lily Says: It might have to do with the fact that his girlfriend is a blow up doll. 

Wifey Says: We should give him credit.  He probably has the strongest lungs and wrists of all of us.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I really do promise I'm not dead!

Witless Exposition says:
I've really got to stop this pattern I'm in or everyone's going to start thinking that TBM has killed me, put me in the bed, and every night does terrible, unspeakable things to my corpse...or something like that.

This week has been fairly good.  I'm pretty proud of myself in that I had to bake two cakes, but managed to only give in to one slice.  But the leftover frosting in the fridge...that's been more of a challenge.

In terms of fitness, we've managed to go to the gym twice, and through lots of panting and hard work, I'm actually burning more calories on the treadmill than when we were going more regularly.  It is still a bit discouraging when everyone around me is going 3-5 mph, but my poor short legs will only go up to 2.7.  I've even gone so far as to time my steps with the rail thin, tall orange woman beside me and my 2.7 was equal to her 3.8.  So that's got to mean something, right?

So you know know that there's a Wii in the Bear household now.  I've started pretty obsessively testing my "Wii age" on the sports game.  I know that it's not 100% accurate, because simply knowing how the mini-games work will boost your score, but happily I've been improving my age every time.

I think that's a pretty good learning curve for about a week, right?

Slightly Disappointing Says...

I always figured if Bear did more unspeakable things to your corpse you would both weigh a little less.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Street Walkers Burn Lots of Calories

Lorraine Says: Today, I've decided not to cry over how I'm not as cool as these other blobs who are spending their days playing video games and using apps to calculate how fat they are, though I'm sure looking in a mirror would help as well.

Today, I'm just going to complain about this really old school concept, back from the days when we started this blog and wanted to lose weight and look like Ethiopians: the gym.

Here's my problem this week, I'm finding, in my quest to be even skinnier than you bulbous bitches: fitting the gym into my schedule. Of course I'd find all this "get up and go" motivation the same week I start school again. Maybe there is just something about being 24 and deciding to go back to school that makes you feel you'd rather be at the gym. Regardless, I have significantly less time after work and the gym just isn't fitting as nicely as I'd like.

So, last night, I basically decided that if Gym and I were going to remain on a first name basis, I was going to have to start seeing him first thing in the morning. This is almost like that time I convinced myself I should stop eating chocolate.

Basically, I like to sleep. I start work at 8:30am and wake up at 8:45am daily. My bosses love it, I'm sure. This whole "waking up early to work-out" thing is going to be difficult for me. Then again, I only ever have to do it once a week, and I'll still have all of you beat.

There's this week's new goal. Oh, and also, buy a new scale. No. Seriously. For real this time.

The Bear Monk Says: Morning gym? Are you really going to feed us that line of bullshit? Thought about trying a gym that's open 24 hours a day? Then you could hit the gym after you're done with your street walking. Hell I'm betting street walking would be some pretty decent cardio as you're clearly not getting any of the other kind of "cardio".

Why don't you grab another chocolate bar and a zebra cake and drown your sorrows with a tall glass of beer?

Oh and as a side note...good luck shopping for a scale that will lie to you in a more satisfactory manner.

Lorraine Says: My gym is open 24 hours, but after the work, school, and street walking, really I'm all tuckered out. As you can imagine.

Don't make any comments on how much "cardio" I'm getting. We all know the only reason you get any is because you tricked the Wife into marrying you and now she's stuck. Oh, and because Bret won't stay away from your asshole.

Also, my current scale seems to think I'm skinnier than I think I am. I don't need lying to. I need truth!

Bret the wee-wee-less wonder says: I still say all the workout you need is a pee-wee football team and a jar of Vaseline.  Isn't that how you were conceived???   

Lily Says: Are we not using No-Wee-Wee's scale anymore????

Lorraine Says: Bret, you are confusing the story of how I was conceived with where you've been since the start of the year. And Lily, I'm determined to use an accurate scale. No-Wee-Wee can keep convincing himself he's losing weight on the "Chee diet."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

There's an App For That

Vodka Says: So it's Tuesday...

And I know I forgot to post last week. But that's okay because hasn't "No pee pee" Bret missed like weeks on end? I'm going to say yes. And Lor agrees.

So, I've been super productive on the diet front. I got that Zumba wii thingy, so I've also been "working out".

I got an iPhone as a Christmas/3 Kings Day/Valentine's Day/Birthday/Graduation present. And there's this nifty App. It's called "Lose It". So I started using it and it's helped me drop 2 pounds in the past 2 weeks. It helps you count calories in and calories burnt... it's pretty cool. But I know that as soon as I go to school (today) I'm going to eat more calories than I burn... which means I fail. But I need to start being serious about this... my friend's wedding is a little over a year away. And I've barely made a dent in the blobby-ness.

No Pee Pee Bret Says: Don't worry about it Lily, it's not like you are getting married.  Ever.

Vodka says: :( womp womp

Monday, January 17, 2011


TBM Says: I feel like a total fucking bum.  Last week we did all that emailing and I damn well forgot to post it on the blog.  And now this week I'm super late even sending you guys an email.  Work has been kicking my ass and frankly it's got me in a fairly shit mood at least half the time.

As such we've seen no movement on the scales, but honestly I don't feel so bad about that.  I ingested a shit load of calories over the weekend and the only exercise I've seen since before Christmas has been our new Wii.

Yeah I'm 30 years old I have 0 children and I got a Wii, and you know what?  It's fun as hell.  You know what else?  I'm swiftly becoming a believer.  We've only got Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort.  Both have a variety of games and the more competitive you are the better the workout you'll get.

Since I'm playing almost exclusively with the Wife (and I simply can't beat her at any other aspect of our lives) I tend to give my all and end up with throbbing forearms as a result.

And so I've managed to continue my diet and exercise regime via gaming.  As such, I'm pretty sure you guys can all suck it.  Happy Monday!

Lily Says: You can suck it!
But I believe that you're going to get a non-exercise-y game and just plop in front of the tv and gain it aaaaaaaaalllllllll back. Have fun though.

TBMS Says: That's the beauty of the thing so far Lily.  I've got 3 new couch centric games and I still managed to keep the pounds off.

Lily Says: I hate you. 

Pint Sized Penis Says: You should post last week's update as well.  I remember enjoying it.  If memory serves I believe I made fun of you for something.  Possibly for being fat.

And HA!  You got a WII.  Welcome to the club.  Sometimes burning 7 calories while swinging around a wiimote is 7 more than you would have burned anyway.

I also like that you continue to not care about the diet.  I am THIS close to turning it around again, and then I will kill you.

Oh, and in other news I ate a piece of chocolate that was 86% cacao.  If you ever want to hate chocolate, I suggest you try one.  It was awful.  I had to wash it down with a pizie stick and some bacon grease. 

Lily Says: Oh, I guess, I'm also in this club. I too have a Wii I use for this purpose. Difference is... I actually do stuff and not play Mario Kart on it

Master of the Zebra Cakes Says: This all makes me so happy. You lards are celebrating video games and *almost* caring about dieting. When the hell did I become the winner again? Seriously? When did I trade zebra cakes for owning your collective fat asses?

The Wife Says: I don't really have anything clever to say, basically just commenting to prove that I'm still alive.  Lor, you need to get a Wii, too.  By the pattern, when you get a Wii, you "pretend" to exercise and "loose" (that's for you, Bret) all the "pretend" weight.  

So in, zebra cakes and vodka?

Vodka Says: Did I hear VODKA?!

Friday, January 14, 2011

"Weight," Are We Dieting?

Bret Says: O.K.  For the 2nd week in a row, I failed to blob.

I'm, sorry.  Really.  I haven't quit...per say, I knew these weeks would be next to impossible.

I'm part of a new system that is rolling out at work, and as such my normal 40 hour work weeks are climbing into the 60s.  Wednesday?  When I might have written it?  I worked 3AM to 4:30PM and then fell down and collapsed.  Thursday?  In at 6AM out at 930PM, more collapsing. I'm sorry.

I was actually given permission to come in whenever I wanted today, and part of me was scared of taking to great of an advantage of this, after all, what does that mean?  Would they be mad if I came in at 4PM?  Realistically I just may have slept in that long.

(I had a really hard time at 5:42 AM trying to decide if that sentence should be in past, present, or future modes. I am writing my worry last night, and at the present explaining that it could go into the future.  I'm sure the answer is simple, but I'm out of my head right now.)

Obviously I don't have to worry about that.  Obviously I'm awake right now for another insane day.  Obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park.

The question is how on Earth am I awake?

The answer is I awoke sick to my stomach from all of the "foods" we have been catered with during these long hours.

I promise you that yesterday's diet of chicken, meatballs, mashed potatoes, and Chipotle did not help.

Further more, I assure you that it was worse that, for the sake of much needed bursts of energy I spent the day inhaling many chocolate covered treats.

We also had something we called the "chee" diet, which consisted of Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheetos, and Cheese Cake.

This is not to mention the "cream puffs," a glorious invention I was not aware of that is like eating a cup of pudding, only instead of having a cup of pudding in a plastic container, you have a cup of pudding in a sugar laden edible pastry ball.

And then there was the nerd rope.  I had never had a nerd rope before, but basically it's a whole bunch of nerds on some sort of sticky gummy rope that stretches about 15 feet across and takes 19 seconds to eat in its entirety.  It's nothing more than sugar congealed in various types of solid and semi solid form all glued (with sugar) to one another.  It's disgusting.  It also gives you a rush like you wouldn't believe.  I'm pretty certain it's a gateway drug to speed, which is something that I will be trying today, provided that it is catered.

Basically my stomach is killing me, so I might as well wake up and go to work right now, that is if I can find any pants to fit.

I don't have time to diet.  All of the diet experts say this is a horrible excuse and that anyone who says this has to reorganize their life, because they are living it wrong.  I don't have time to argue with them right now.

This will go away, and I promise I absolutely hate myself right now and I will be back on the diet train soon.

Current estimates place this around late January. 2016.

Please, blobbers, feel free to edit this with any mocking you would like to post.

Lorraine Says: If Wednesday's funny was thinking of Bret the pee-pee-less wonder, today, I giggled at the thought of Bret singing along to the Bed Intruder Song. I'm not sure if I should link that as it's like the number one video ever invented on Youtube ever. Oh, whatever. Fine:

Nerd ropes are insane. I think I spent all of my middle school career fueled off of nerd ropes, Twix bars and hormones so you can imagine that it was in fact a very interesting time. I try my best to forget it, much like I will try and forget the description of the "Chee diet." I have a stomach ache just reading about it.

The moral of the story, I think, is that Bret loses. At life. He doesn't actually have a life at this moment, though, so it's more of a technical loss. At this rate, even Lily can lose more weight than he can. I mean, even Wife can and I'm pretty sure we haven't heard from her in a week, which means she's dead.

She's dead ya'll, but decomposition is a pretty fast way to lose weight so she wins over Bret. Hey you. Reading this. Do you never combine Doritos with cheesecake? You win over Bret. Have you never had an inflatable significant other? You win. Do you have genitalia? You win.

Blogging Blobs, where we make you feel better, because at least you aren't Bret.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Anatomically Incorrect (Or The Other Shake Weight)

Lorraine SaysI've been quite looking forward to writing my entry this week, because dammit, I finally am doing a good job. If dieting and I had a nasty break-up over the holidays, it seems like this week we've worked out our differences and apologized to each other for all the mean things we said.

Basically, I started doing all the little things I was doing before - eating smaller portions, drinking tons of water, trying my BEST to eliminate the multiple-bars-of-chocolate I eat a day, no fast food, and just smarter choices. Great. That's where I was before the holiday meltdown.

But, my dear fluffy companions, I did something this week that I'm sure none of you ever expected of me: CARDIO. No, Jesus, not THAT type of cardio. Not Lily's favorite past time cardio. Real, legitshit, at the gym cardio.

That's right kids, I made my triumphant return to the gym this week. I guess that if me and dieting are back together now, the gym is the equivalent of the make-up sex.

Getting back there wasn't as terrible as I always anticipate. Sure, Roxanne and I go to the cheap gym in our hood, where at any given moment you may 1.) see all of your graduating class b.) the parking lot smells like weed or cat.) have to walk two blocks from the nearest parking spot to the gym, but for whatever reason, most of these cheap gym pitfalls were avoided.

All of my hard work was rewarded with a nice -2 pounds. 

Lily Says: So where is this "weed gym". I bet I can manage a -3 pound drop with this drug gym. Or +3 because of the munchies.

But you should also try the OTHER cardio. It's just as good. And I hear something about endorphins doing something that blah blah blah talking out my ass ...

Lorraine Says: Just so we're clear, I don't know anything about the parking lot of this gym, ifyouknowwhatImean. I can at least boast virgin lungs ya'll.

Speaking of which, you really don't have to sell me on the benefits of other-cardio. That stuff sells itself.

Lily Says: We all needs something that's a virgin on us, right? Now to think of one..

I'm jealous of your weight loss. I'm going to go stuff my face now.

The Bear Monk Says: Equating the gym to sex?  Clearly you're doing it wrong.

Bret Says: My assumption is that your idea of a workout is something along the lines of using some sort of generic version of a "shake weight."  And by "generic version" I mean your "14 year-old cousin's penis.

Lorraine Says: Please. If jacking off could substitute for a shake weight, you wouldn't be fat, now would you Bret? Even though we all suspect you aren't exactly packing much, I'm sure a lonely guy like would be a good test subject for this "generic" shake weight theory.

In other news, I have no need for cousins or 14 year olds thanksomuch.

Little Wee Wee Bret Says: No need for 14 year olds?  I had no idea your stash of 12 year olds was so plentiful.

Lily Says: This is funny. I don't know what is funny about it. I think thinking about a fat guy with no pee pee is hilarious to me. Hahahaha Bret has no pee pee.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Of Puke, Family, and Cardio

Witless Exposition says: So I guess it's my turn to say I'm not dead yet?

Well, I'm not, even if Baby Jesus tried to kill me the day after Christmas.  After several days of overindulging in all manner of things, I woke up Saturday sick and dizzy.  My body literally rebelled against what I had been doing to it, and I puked up something roughly the same shade as the UT Longhorn. (There's my bit to help you keep from eating today, guys)

Since then, I've been eating terrible stuff for me (my dad and grandparent's came for a visit, so we ate out a lot), but in smaller doses.  Combine that with walking around for several hours at different tourist traps and I'm back on track.  I'm down two more pounds this week.

Hopefully going back to the gym after such a long hiatus won't kill me.

Lorraine says: I'm telling you, there was a plague going around and we all caught it from each other via interwebs.

If this was the week where we told the entire world that we weren't dead, well then I guess that makes Bret dead. Actually, he sent me a text message last night that said, "I didn't even know it was Thursday until right now."

One can only conclude that he has overdosed on sausage.

As for you Wife, between your eating badly and losing weight, and Bear's video gaming and losing weight we can only assume the following: 1.) LIARS. b.) Damn, that's a lot of cardio! (which would explain the puking or cat.) Baby jesus really hates me.

TBM says: It was actually really hard to avoid all that damn eating out.  Well maybe avoid isn't the work.  Mitigate.  I don't think I've had anything but salad for at least 1 meal everyday this week to help with all the other stuff we've been eating.
Wife's family has a fascination with food that would rival Lily's fascination with cardio.

Lily says: Damn, that's a lot of love for food. Because I sure love me some cardio. I'm going to try and stay away from you guys... I don't really want to get whatever plague is going around. 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Lorraine Says: I Long For A Good Insult (And Some Chocolate)

Lorraine Says: Contrary to popular belief, I am not dead. I am, however, still fat. Or, even fatter than I was last time we talked. I HATE THE HOLIDAYS.

See, I was right with Bear on the whole disease kick, except I wasn't playing WoW and losing weight. I was sleeping for days straight, only waking to eat large holiday dinners, gorge on holiday desserts and then go back to sleep, ensuring that all that food would become evil fatty deposits very quickly.

Disease did not work in my favor. The Ethiopians have fooled me.

All that sleeping and not being able to breathe properly and being out of town (and did I mention sleeping?) explains my disappearance and the fact that I'm +2 pounds at today's weigh in.

I can't tell you where my motivation went. It's easy to blame the holidays, but I was feeling it before then. The effort of it all was getting to me, so I took a break from caring for a week. This week, I'm wondering how to start caring again.

Call me some names people. Tell me how fat I am. Unmotivate me, dammit.

I guess I'm pretty much starting 2011 back at square one.

Hi. I'm Lorraine. I'm obssessed with chocolate. I'd ideally like to lose 20 pounds. I suck at this dieting thing.

Nice to meet you. Let's start again.

Lily Says: Zebra cakes are in the mail.

Bear Says: You stole my line Lily...

Lily Says: You can send chocolate. Is dark chocolate okay, Lor?

Lorraine Says: I don't know whether to punch you all in the teeth or wait by the mailbox. Whatever. If you send me chocolate, Lily is getting vodka and Bear is getting fried Halloween candy in totillas.

Lily Says: That will work for me. Rivers of vodka <3

Lorraine Says: This is some bullshit. A girl puts weight on around here and she isn't even teased or anything. All of you need to recover. Seriously. I can't tell me maybe we're too... happy? Maybe we need to be more miserable. Someone go pop Bret's inflatable girlfriend, I'll steal Bear's WoW, Wife will be miserable while trying to console Bear and then she can go steal Lily's vodka.

Please do all of the above and consult me in a week when you are ready to insult me like big boys and girls. How am I ever going to lose weight again if you don't?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Maybe Next Week...

Lily Says:  Happy Tuesday guys. Well what is there to say? I mean, I stepped on the scale and it was in the same place it was last week. I'm not taking it personally. I'm pretty sure my body is still trying to figure out where all that food I ate at Christmas is. I'm pretty sure staying even is an accomplishment because I honestly did eat AND drink that much. And I didn't do the usual Roman custom of making myself puke to keep partying. Hopefully by next week my body will be like "okay Lily, now we can actually lose some weight".

TBM Says: I'm sure that the great void that is your stomach is becoming seriously parched without the river of vodka that's usually flowing through it. I guess your regular schedule of cardio hasn't helped much either?

Lily Says: Correct. Oh vodka I miss you oh so much. I'm sure I'd lose some more with it on my side. On the other hand cardio might be what's preventing me from going up

Monday, January 3, 2011

The World of Warcraft Diet

TBM Says: I swear I'm alive.  I can't really say I felt like last week though.  I decided to take last week off of work and just stay home and hang out after the holiday.  I expected to get several new games and I was determined to vegetate and put a significant dent in all of them before I had to come back to work.  

As luck or God would have it, I ended up getting sick and spent most of the week feeling like absolute garbage.  I did, however, make a huge dent in the new World of Warcraft expansion over the course of the first three days of the week.

More on the real topic at hand though.  I've been really strict on myself when it comes to my diet.  I've been paying especially close attention to my calorie intake as I haven't been making it to the gym on a regular basis for the last 2 weeks and I don't expect to make it there again until after this week.  I've managed to keep my calorie count low, under 1800 most days.  The cold I had actually helped a lot with that.  

As it turns out it's difficult to eat when you can't breath.  As such I actually weighed in at 268 most of this week, with a day or 2 being at 270.  Needless to say I'm feeling pretty fucking awesome about the whole thing.  The last time I was the 260's I was in high school.

So in this I'm looking at my sickness as a blessing in disguise.  While I felt miserable it kept me from gorging myself on whatever I could get my hands on.  I'm not going to entirely credit the cold though.  I'm pretty sure the 12ish hours a day of WoW I played for Mon-Wed really helped as well.  Clearly if I'm not bored I won't go eat to have something to do.

So in short...EAT IT MOTHERFUCKERS!!  I did nothing but play video games for like 2 weeks solid and lost like 3 pounds.  Ethiopians will soon be worshiping my dieting prowess.   

Bret Says: Christ, I've been completely off track for at least a week.  I have until Thursday to make sure I weigh less than you.

Lily Says: hmmm... video games = losing weight? i believe it. 

Tricky fish... I finally know where you got that from.... Lilo & Stitch.