Sometimes, life just shits on your face and then smears it in...

TBM Says: I've had a pretty healthy week. I've been eating like I should and I've gone to the gym everyday since Thursday (the first day of my membership). but I haven't really seen any real results.

My blood sugar is about the same and I think I've actually gained a pound. I'm not going to bother with the whole "muscle is heavier then fat" argument. It feels like bullshit and likely is. It's like my body doesn't understand what's going on...I workout and it's like "What the fuck are you doing? I was holding on to that fat for winter and shit man..." Well fuck you body...time to be a little lesser.

Anyway...next week we'll be visiting family and I really need to come up with a game plan to keep up the workouts and try not to gorge myself at some of my favorite dives.

I'm thinking that I can probably do some beach jogs to keep the workouts rolling...I'm thinking the dogs might like that as well. I might get a little extra workout just trying to get them to go near the water. And as far as gorging myself...well I promise I'll only have 1 Baked Salmon roll at Sakura and I swear I'll share the Mardi Gras Nachos at Brownstone. Difficult as it may be.

Lily Says: By any chance, was the pound you gained the pound I lost last week?

If so, it was supposed to go to Bret.

The Wife Says: I think both of our bodies are rebelling.  It's starting to get cold outside, natural hibernation time for Bears, and what do we do?

Make them move.

It's no wonder they hate us. (And yes, I noticed I've gained a pound or two since this whole work out things started).

The Mighty Tickler (Bret) Says: My God, and you guys got on me for blaming my family.

Bear, sorry to say, you aren't ACTUALLY a bear.  A nickname does not make it so.  You are a human, as a human, you do not hibernate.

You gained a pound because you are a failure at life, and this "diet" is part of your life.  There is good news though, as a big fat slob you will likely die at a relatively young age, and therefore your constant shortcomings will no longer be a "heavy" load.

Oh, and so far this week I have lost weight.  I just finished a healthy bowl of cream of mushroom soup for lunch, along with my glass of water, and tonight I will be playing softball.

So eat it.  Oh why even say that?  I know you will. 

Failure.  Nom nom nom. Depression. Nom nom nom.  Impotence. Nom nom nom.

PS...Sorry for the late post.  Also, WTF Lorraine?  I'm not good enough to get a response today?

The Cake is a Lie

TBM says: Well...I actually managed to have a pretty good week, at least on the eating front.  I still haven't joined a gym yet, but I did go for a jog yesterday morning and I plan to go on another one today.  I think tomorrow the Wife and I will be going over to Planet Fitness so that we can remove the bad weather excuse from our dependable list of reasons to not go workout.

I did manage to get some extra exercise this weekend though.  The Wife decided that Saturday we'd do all those things that she's wanted to do since we moved out here.  So we went antiquing, to a Japanese Tea Garden, and then shopping at the mall.  All of which included a great deal of walking.  On Sunday, we did some more walking at the Lackland Air Show.  Which was actually really really cool.  Got to go in some of the bigger plans and we got to see a lot of awesome aerial acrobatics.  (I love alliteration.)

I think our only issue the whole weekend was Joseph's Bakery.  Apparently, they're the best bakery in town and now that we've tried their chocolate cake I fully understand why. It was this super dense, moist, awesome cake and instead of frosting there was a thin layer of chocolate fudge with pecans on top.  It was fucking amazing.  It was so rich we almost couldn't finish it.  But we pulled through.  I'm pretty sure it still wasn't as many calories as, say a whole box of Zebra Cakes.  Or 2 pieces of lasagna.

But now that I think about it the cake wasn't my only issue of the week...I also came up with a cheesesteak quesadilla that was super greasy and awful for me.  Mmmm...grease...

Lorraine says:  You guys, I'm gonna be really fudgin' honest right now: I love this blog, I tolerate all of you guys, losing weight is awesome, but I'm not sure I can do this.

Is this really what I'm in for?! I log onto my mail Monday morning to find a description of the most moist, dense, awesome CHOCOLATE cake ever invented? When I haven't even had breakfast yet and obviously amazing cake would be so fitting right now?

Eff you TBM, and your "pretty good week." It wasn't pretty good. It was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad and not even a sausage in sight for all your troubles.

Lily says: There, there, Lor. Here's a Zebra Cake.

TBM, why didn't we get cake?

Witless Exposition says: What he didn't tell you about was the two glasses of beer he had last night.  They probably equal a loaf of bread a piece.  He likes his beer dark and rich just like he likes his women...wait, yeah, doesn't quite work here.

Bret says:  Just a little math for everyone to follow along with: "super dense, moist, awesome cake and instead of frosting there was a thin layer of chocolate fudge with pecans on top" + "super greasy cheesesteak quesadilla" + "two dark and rich beers" + "Whatever he has just forgotten about due to a grease coma" = "pretty good week."

Gosh Bear, I still can't figure out why you are fat.  It must be a hormone problem.

I also like that your idea of exercise is shopping, or looking at a garden, or really moving in any way.  This includes going to an air show because, I dunno, you had to occasionally crane your head up to look at some planes?  Was it really that strenuous to take your eyes off of the corn dog cart?

That's all I have right now.  Frankly after I read that Lor said "moist" I lost all control of my motor functions.

TBM says: In my defense the garden is in a damn quarry...so there was lots of stair climbing and such to go along with the walking in general.  I think we spent like an hour wondering around the thing.

Lorraine says: Does losing control of your motor functions hinder your dieting ability? Because I will moist all over your screen if it means that I win.

I'm not sure when this even turned into a competition but I am oh-so fond of saying that I win.

I love blaming hormones on being fat. Also, other favorites include "slow metabolism" and "big boned." So, how about it Bear? Are you big boned?

TBM says: Ask the Wife about the bone situation :P

Bret says: The Wife has informed me that Bear is in fact not big boned.  Not big boned at all.  If he were, maybe they'd both weigh a little less.

And if anything losing control of my motor functions helps me diet.  It's like an enema.  Sort of like any picture of Lily.

Lorraine says: Okay, fuck, I take it back. Can we stop talking about Bear's bones now? Because:

1.) I wasn't talking about THAT. Gross
b.) Bear is the sausage expert, so if I had any questions on meat (which I won't) (ever) I'd ask him (not that I ever, ever will.) (Hear that Wife? RESPECT.)
and cat.) Ewwwwww.

Bret, I'm really disappointed that I wasted so much moisture if this doesn't even help my cause at all.

And stop with the Lily thing. We all know that the image of her in that booze-stained white polo is exactly what your wet dreams are made of.

Not that that really eliminates the poo aspect. Sex-poo IS the new diet craze.

Witless Exposition says: Yeah, we probably should ease up on using words like bone and moist around Bret.  He might get too excited and...well I just think it'd be pretty embarrassing to have the EMTs find him like that.

Although that would take out some of the competition. Hmmmm.....

Moist, moist, moist, bone, moist moist.

TBM says: I wasn't going to mention the sexercise, but certainly it warrants some mention as it burns a shit load of calories.  Plus...maybe Bret will have a little stroke thinking about it.

Bret says: I'm still trying to figure out what way you meant by "little stroke" though either might be accurate.

Wurst Diet Ever

So we've picked what could be considered the worst possible weekend to start a diet, or to even start considering a healthy lifestyle.  Here in San Antonio we have a strong German background.  Surprising I know...but the Latino population doesn't have the only predominate culture in the area.  

This weekend was the opening of Wurst Fest.  A local festival celebrating, you guessed it, the bratwurst.  And of course no bratwurst festival is complete with out beer vendors pouring the best German and German inspired brews around.  As a man I have a deep seeded love for both beer and brats and so I most definitely couldn't pass up the chance to gorge myself on the fair.

And as if God wasn't mocking me enough...yesterday's Halloween festivities were all about the food.  We went and picked up a bunch of candy, just in case we had any trick or treaters and of course we snacked on our fair share of the bounty.  And then there was the premiere of The Walking Dead.  AMC's new show about the zombie apocalypse...as if there'd be any other kind of apocalypse.  We decided to head up to the Alamo Drafthouse, easily my favorite place to go in the city, and of course we got a nice big bowl of popcorn covered with a vat of butter and salt and some more nice cold beers to wash it all down.  All told an awesome evening to be sure.

Well...maybe not considering my diet.

Strangely enough though, I've managed to lose about 6 pounds.  Having not exercised or eaten anything that would even vaguely resembles health food, I'm pretty much flabbergasted to say the least.  Maybe I should take my fat ass to the beer store more often.  Is that the hidden secret to the Ethiopian diet?  The world may never know...

Bret Says: Do you even know what predominate means?  It's the one with the MOST.  So just how many cultures in your area have the MOST influence?  12?  31?  Your lack of word definition knowledge makes me want to puke, which in turn should help my diet.  That's my way of thanking you.

Let me also say that it doesn't surprise me in the least that you cannot resist having a bunch of sausages in your mouth.

 I assume you lost you 6 pounds from "wurst" excitement that had your heart pounding all week, and a series of "wurst" related wet dreams.

Your ease of losing weight sickens people like me whose only goal is to gain weight at a slower rate.  Maybe this week you should step it up by doing something more physical, like ordering takeout. 

Lorraine Says: Seriously? This is how we're starting? With an "oh yeah, ABOUT that diet..." post? I mean, honestly, it's not like I'm doing much better, but at least I'm not effin' Monday. 

And while we're being honest, I did the mental math: lots of sausage + lots of beer - 6 pounds = the runs. 

I carried the one and everything and clearly it's the only logical explanation. Forget the Ethiopian diet. If your love of consuming mass amounts of gross sounding food is any indication, you are on the Painful Shits diet. 

I am so sorry. I hope things get better.

Bret Says: Lor, I believe it is called "The Self Induced Flu."

I knew TBM was going on the Ethiopian diet, I just figured he meant that the was going to experiment with famine, drought, foreign invasion, and general unattractiveness.

Now I see he means he is going to actually eat Ethiopians...

This seems wildly inhumane.  Ethiopians should not be eaten.  Ethiopians should be given the life choice of starving to death, or selling their women into prostitution for a few grains of rice.  That's what Jesus would want.

(I don't think we are going to get very many Ethiopian readers)

TBM Says: The thing about San Antonio is that for the most part it seems to be more of a collection of neighborhoods then anything.  Each neighborhood has it's own cultural distinction, and as such I find it personally difficult to determine which culture is truly the predominate one.  So I guess I should have said major cultures instead.  Ya know what though...go suck a sausage Bret.  I swear...it's very satisfying.

And Lor...how did you know?!?!  I mean holy shit...literally...I haven't been able to keep that to myself all weekend.

Lorraine Says: If this weekend's meat-fest is any indication, maybe TBM has the "foreign invasion" part of the Ethiaopian diet down.

I'm not sure what Jesus would in fact say about eating Ethiopians but we all know what Jesus thinks about men who put a lot of sausage in their mouth.

Lily Says: Ummm... I know what I'm getting TBM for Christmas... a dictionary! You ate lots of sausage and lost 6 lbs... that sounds hella wrong. In like more ways than one.

Also, does my font look fat?

Stay tuned for more updates folks.