I Hate Success

Lorraine Says: It's no secret really that I'm basically an Internet whore. Luckily, I'm writing this entry and NOT sending it to the rest of the Blobs, who I'm pretty sure are all dead. (Actually, I think I got an email from Lily sometime last week, about being too lazy to blog on another blog we share, so maybe she's just a missing person at this point and not entirely dead.)

I say luckily because I can already hear Bret and all his "whore" jokes which morph into racist jokes which all just translate into, "I'm still a fat fuck and picking on people much, much, much hotter than me makes me feel better about myself." There, there Bret.

ANYHOW, me = loves the Internet. I have my main blog, Childhood Trauma, 2 Tumblrs, Twitter, Facebook, a (semi-abandoned) music blog, I mod at 20sb, etc, etc, etc.

And then, there is this.

Oh, Blogging Blobs. It truly is a great idea. 5 overweight bloggers doing the weight loss thing together, with some combination of humor and demotivation.

It was a good plan for me. Why? Because I really am not a fan of other people's success. I mean, not as a general rule, but especially when it comes to weight loss.

I suppose that fact has a lot to do with where I've been during this period of Blob silence. I mean, the simple fact is that writing for a diet blog is pretty difficult when you aren't dieting, ya know? There wasn't any exercise happening either.

I wish I could blame it on one thing or another, but really, all the reasons I'd gained the weight in the first place overcame me again: laziness, chocolate, busy work schedule, big life changes, chocolate, dessert, the eating habits of a third grader, and laziness.

On top of that all, people around started losing weight. My older cousin, nicknamed on my blog as Ferfer, moved back to Florida a handful of months ago. Fer is a notorious weight yo-yo-er. And I'm pretty sure she's tried every lose weight quick scheme ever.

She's also the most pushy bitch ever. I mean, I love her, but she will argue with you about the sky being purple, and not blue, if one day she decided the sky was purple.

Well, after gaining a shit ton of weight during her last pregnancy, and holding onto most of it even after her daughter was born, she decided that enough was enough and that she was going to lose weight the old fashioned way: puking and corsets.

JAYKAY. Diet and exercise.

Her pushy self went around telling everyone that they were fat and gross and that they should come to her house where every day they would be using her covered patio as a makeshift gym. My sister and my good friend Venus drank the kool-aid.

And it's worked. Sometime during my silence, these girls have been working their asses off and slimming down and toning up thanks to some workout videos and dedication.

...
...

GAG.

It's fucking terrible. Fer was after me constantly asking me when I was going to join and the more I was pressured, the more I was positively reinforced, the more I didn't want to do anything healthy.

And it worked. Any progress I made during my Blogging Blob stint was completely erased. Two and a half weeks ago, I stepped on the scale for the first time in months and I was nearly back up to my original start weight: 148.

Holy. Shit.

It felt gross. It felt horrible. And the worst part was that there wasn't even anyone around to point and laugh or make comments about how I must not be getting any Exercise or must be missing the famine part of my Ethiopian diet.

With the Blobs all dead (RIP) and my body quickly chunking up out of control, I decided to take a positive step in the right direction.

Step one: The less-of-a-fat-ass diet.

What? It was a baby step and a good one at that. Two and a half weeks later I'm back down to 143. Five pounds? That's about the equivalent of what Bear eats in one sitting, so I'll fucking take it.

It feels good to be back down, but I'm trying to ride the wave of motivation and success. Step two will be the "move-more-than-a-fat-ass" portion of my plan. I'm dying to start the couch to 5k program, with an actual 5k in mind to run at the end of the summer.

I mean, sure I keep putting up excuses like, "I don't have running shoes," or "people get raped and killed when they go out running," but maybe now that I've announced it to the entire interwebs I'll try harder to make it happen.

I'll do my best to check in this time next week.

Goal: Three pounds to 140. 1-fucking-40. I'm gonna look so hawt.

Avoid these pitfalls: My new job is located in a plaza with a Chipotles, Yougurtland and a Starbucks. WHAT THE HELL? My co-workers take field trips down to one or all of these places on the regular and saying no all the time is no fun. (Sounds like my sex life?) I've probably indulged more than I should, but for the sake of my bank account and my body, I must say no.

Do these things: I need running shoes  and OMG, where do I even start? 

For real this time guys.

For real.

Chipotle, McDonalds, Cardio, Weddings and Cannibalism, Again.

Lily Says: So, the snow is melting already, and I could theoretically go out to the grocery store and buy HEALTHY food... but have I? Nope. I haven't gained weight, but I also haven't lost any. Which, again... I think is amazing considering how many times I've been to McDonalds and Chipotle lately. I guess what's helping is the semi daily cardio and Cardio. But, yeah... I need to start dropping the lb's. Bridezillas be wanting us to go see bridesmaid dresses. =\


Bear Says: Beware the wrath of Bridezilla. It's almost as bad as the wrath of Mothera.


Lily Says: Ugh... as long as I'm not in a dress that makes me look like a fucking cupcake, I'm good.


Bear Says: I can see where you'd be worried about looking like a cupcake...I mean what if Lor saw you? She might eat you. If she tries, please be sure to get some video we can sell on the blog.


Lor Says: 1a.) I don't understand how snow can keep you from the grocery store but NOT Chipotle's. 
b.) I love me some Chipotles.

2.) No one need to worry about me eating Lily. I haven't had a zebra cake in weeks! I'm fine! Totally normal! Not twitching at all. 

Besides, Lils is awesome, but she doesn't really have the right goods. Like... An actual cream filing. 

Lily Says: Just in case the rest missed it.. Lor said this: [posted above]

Ummm... Chipotle was more easily accessible than the grocery store. Chipotle is not in the hood, so their sidewalks were clean. Yes, in Chicago, if you live in the hood you best clean your own sidewalks... if not you get fined. womp womp.

 

But yes, I lack a creme filling. Which is sad. I've always wanted to be a twinkie or ho-ho or a Bavarian creme donut. Which by the way, you all try the Dunkin Donuts reverse Bavarian creme doughnut. And I'm not just saying it because Dunkin follows me on twitter... it is GOOD.

Lor Says: (Thanks Lily. Sorry I didn't reply all.... I owe you some chipotles, real talk.)

Lily Says: I don't even do it for the Chipotle. <3 

Bear Says: With all that Cardio, I'd assume you'd be slap full of filling by now...

Maybe you're not doing it right?

Lily Says: Ha! No comment. I hear children sometimes read blogs. 

Things I learned during the Blizzard... Ethiopian Diet = Headache

Lily Says: So last week I was snowed in. Snowpocalypse took over the Windy City. I really thought I was going to die. But, I didn't. Sad. I know. 

Anyway, there was alot of cardio but not enough food. I learned that I shouldn't participate in the ethiopian diet. I got a horrible headache from eating just one hash brown from the Golden Arches all day. 

I need a new dieting technique. 

Lorraine Says:  But, wait, did it work?? Because if you lost weight, what's a little headache. Granted the Ethiopian diet won't be as effective for you once you're able to get out of the house...

Lily Says: Oh yeah. A pound of fat and 2 in water. Because I cried because we saw Juno and because the headache hurt. So it wasn't a fail at all. Just not as practical now that I can leave the house. 

Don't Break the Screen Bret Says: Seriously, you don't think Christy Henrich got a headache or two?  And you know THAT was worth it.

(Look it up people)

Lily Says: Doubt it. Well, maybe the crying. But definitely not the headache. God, Bret, why do you always think you're right??

Tuesday... Blah.

Lily Says:  So... 

Cardio = WIN

Food = WIN

Weight loss = WIN

Workout = Lose. 

In this little campaign of ours, I have learned that soda is really bad. Not only have I stopped drinking the carbonated delight, I am prohibiting anyone around me from drinking it. That means, when I go out to lunch with my friends on a school day, I tell them "hey fucking whores, stop drinking fucking Coke ya bitches". And they oblige. 

I no longer feel as bloated. 

I mean, I'm still fat... but all the carbonation makes me feel fatter. Now, I feel like a normal fat person, rather than a fat fat person. If that makes sense? If it didn't let me break it down.. I feel human, I don't feel like Bret. 

The next thing I plan to cut out entirely is caffeine, but I know that I would probably go on a murderous rampage. What? I love coffee. 

TBM Says:  I'm not really sure why we should cut caffeine out of our diets.  Lor mentioned this before and I must be misinformed on the whole caffeine topic.

I thought the shit would raise our metabolism and thus cause us to burn more calories?  Now I'm also using Splenda to sweeten my coffee and tea, but I'm pretty sure it's the gobs of sugar you're adding to your coffee and not the caffeine itself that's causing your ENORMOUS ass.

Wife Says:  They tell alcoholics not to quit smoking or go on a diet while sobering up, so I'd put caffeine in that same category.  Why make it harder on yourself than it already is?

No Wee-Wee Says:  That's what she said?

Lily Says:  Wife: I don't think it's harder. Maybe I can just yell at my friends. Like "yo bitches, stop drinking coffee around me you fucking heifas... go eat a baby hippo" or some random insult like that.

 

Bret... I don't even know what to say, Dolphin. 

I really do promise I'm not dead!

Witless Exposition says:
I've really got to stop this pattern I'm in or everyone's going to start thinking that TBM has killed me, put me in the bed, and every night does terrible, unspeakable things to my corpse...or something like that.

This week has been fairly good.  I'm pretty proud of myself in that I had to bake two cakes, but managed to only give in to one slice.  But the leftover frosting in the fridge...that's been more of a challenge.

In terms of fitness, we've managed to go to the gym twice, and through lots of panting and hard work, I'm actually burning more calories on the treadmill than when we were going more regularly.  It is still a bit discouraging when everyone around me is going 3-5 mph, but my poor short legs will only go up to 2.7.  I've even gone so far as to time my steps with the rail thin, tall orange woman beside me and my 2.7 was equal to her 3.8.  So that's got to mean something, right?

So you know know that there's a Wii in the Bear household now.  I've started pretty obsessively testing my "Wii age" on the sports game.  I know that it's not 100% accurate, because simply knowing how the mini-games work will boost your score, but happily I've been improving my age every time.

I think that's a pretty good learning curve for about a week, right?

Slightly Disappointing Says...

I always figured if Bear did more unspeakable things to your corpse you would both weigh a little less.

Anatomically Incorrect (Or The Other Shake Weight)

Lorraine Says:  I've been quite looking forward to writing my entry this week, because dammit, I finally am doing a good job. If dieting and I had a nasty break-up over the holidays, it seems like this week we've worked out our differences and apologized to each other for all the mean things we said.

Basically, I started doing all the little things I was doing before - eating smaller portions, drinking tons of water, trying my BEST to eliminate the multiple-bars-of-chocolate I eat a day, no fast food, and just smarter choices. Great. That's where I was before the holiday meltdown.

But, my dear fluffy companions, I did something this week that I'm sure none of you ever expected of me: CARDIO. No, Jesus, not THAT type of cardio. Not Lily's favorite past time cardio. Real, legitshit, at the gym cardio.

That's right kids, I made my triumphant return to the gym this week. I guess that if me and dieting are back together now, the gym is the equivalent of the make-up sex.

Getting back there wasn't as terrible as I always anticipate. Sure, Roxanne and I go to the cheap gym in our hood, where at any given moment you may 1.) see all of your graduating class b.) the parking lot smells like weed or cat.) have to walk two blocks from the nearest parking spot to the gym, but for whatever reason, most of these cheap gym pitfalls were avoided.

All of my hard work was rewarded with a nice -2 pounds. 


Lily Says: So where is this "weed gym". I bet I can manage a -3 pound drop with this drug gym. Or +3 because of the munchies.

But you should also try the OTHER cardio. It's just as good. And I hear something about endorphins doing something that blah blah blah talking out my ass ...

Lorraine Says: Just so we're clear, I don't know anything about the parking lot of this gym, ifyouknowwhatImean. I can at least boast virgin lungs ya'll.

Speaking of which, you really don't have to sell me on the benefits of other-cardio. That stuff sells itself.

Lily Says: We all needs something that's a virgin on us, right? Now to think of one..

I'm jealous of your weight loss. I'm going to go stuff my face now.

The Bear Monk Says: Equating the gym to sex?  Clearly you're doing it wrong.

Bret Says: My assumption is that your idea of a workout is something along the lines of using some sort of generic version of a "shake weight."  And by "generic version" I mean your "14 year-old cousin's penis.

Lorraine Says: Please. If jacking off could substitute for a shake weight, you wouldn't be fat, now would you Bret? Even though we all suspect you aren't exactly packing much, I'm sure a lonely guy like would be a good test subject for this "generic" shake weight theory.

In other news, I have no need for cousins or 14 year olds thanksomuch.

Little Wee Wee Bret Says: No need for 14 year olds?  I had no idea your stash of 12 year olds was so plentiful.

Lily Says: This is funny. I don't know what is funny about it. I think thinking about a fat guy with no pee pee is hilarious to me. Hahahaha Bret has no pee pee.