Anatomically Incorrect (Or The Other Shake Weight)

Lorraine Says:  I've been quite looking forward to writing my entry this week, because dammit, I finally am doing a good job. If dieting and I had a nasty break-up over the holidays, it seems like this week we've worked out our differences and apologized to each other for all the mean things we said.

Basically, I started doing all the little things I was doing before - eating smaller portions, drinking tons of water, trying my BEST to eliminate the multiple-bars-of-chocolate I eat a day, no fast food, and just smarter choices. Great. That's where I was before the holiday meltdown.

But, my dear fluffy companions, I did something this week that I'm sure none of you ever expected of me: CARDIO. No, Jesus, not THAT type of cardio. Not Lily's favorite past time cardio. Real, legitshit, at the gym cardio.

That's right kids, I made my triumphant return to the gym this week. I guess that if me and dieting are back together now, the gym is the equivalent of the make-up sex.

Getting back there wasn't as terrible as I always anticipate. Sure, Roxanne and I go to the cheap gym in our hood, where at any given moment you may 1.) see all of your graduating class b.) the parking lot smells like weed or cat.) have to walk two blocks from the nearest parking spot to the gym, but for whatever reason, most of these cheap gym pitfalls were avoided.

All of my hard work was rewarded with a nice -2 pounds. 


Lily Says: So where is this "weed gym". I bet I can manage a -3 pound drop with this drug gym. Or +3 because of the munchies.

But you should also try the OTHER cardio. It's just as good. And I hear something about endorphins doing something that blah blah blah talking out my ass ...

Lorraine Says: Just so we're clear, I don't know anything about the parking lot of this gym, ifyouknowwhatImean. I can at least boast virgin lungs ya'll.

Speaking of which, you really don't have to sell me on the benefits of other-cardio. That stuff sells itself.

Lily Says: We all needs something that's a virgin on us, right? Now to think of one..

I'm jealous of your weight loss. I'm going to go stuff my face now.

The Bear Monk Says: Equating the gym to sex?  Clearly you're doing it wrong.

Bret Says: My assumption is that your idea of a workout is something along the lines of using some sort of generic version of a "shake weight."  And by "generic version" I mean your "14 year-old cousin's penis.

Lorraine Says: Please. If jacking off could substitute for a shake weight, you wouldn't be fat, now would you Bret? Even though we all suspect you aren't exactly packing much, I'm sure a lonely guy like would be a good test subject for this "generic" shake weight theory.

In other news, I have no need for cousins or 14 year olds thanksomuch.

Little Wee Wee Bret Says: No need for 14 year olds?  I had no idea your stash of 12 year olds was so plentiful.

Lily Says: This is funny. I don't know what is funny about it. I think thinking about a fat guy with no pee pee is hilarious to me. Hahahaha Bret has no pee pee.