Thursday, December 30, 2010

Did Everyone Choke On A Ham Sandwich?

Slightly Disappointing Says...

This isn't even worth writing.  I am doing so after eating my fast food fried chicken meal and following it up with some holiday cookies.  To be clear, these are cookies from my girlfriends mom, not to be confused with the cookies from my Grandma, which were a good portion of the total amount of food that I consumed yesterday.

I still haven't weighed myself.  This is mostly because I was busy buying a car, and thus was active and moving before I had time to do anything, but my future is clear:  I will have gained something like 47 pounds by next Thursday if I don't make a conscious decision to get back on the horse.  We all knew this week was going to be bad, but this week cannot be typical.

I would like to point out, amidst my almost constant failure, that at least I WROTE my blob this week, as opposed to Bear and Lorraine who have missed their days completely.  I mean, I understand that Bear probably is too fat and unhealthy for typing to be medically approved, but what of Lorraine?  what STD or series of STD's block you from using a keyboard???  What, she can't type while on her back???

I'll have you know, as someone who participates in cardio ... it is hard to type while on your back. Even with a smart phone.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

We Fail.

Lily Says:  Are we not documenting our fails this week? If so, GOOD. Because just on Christmas Eve alone I stuffed my face so much that when I burp I can still taste shrimp. But seriously.... starting 2011, I'm sticking to this.

Wife Says: I think everyone is in a deep dark pit of shame right now. Or hungover.

Lorraine Says: Or both? 

I won't even pretend to be anything but ashamed, hungover and entirely blobby.

Bret-Cicle Says: I don't know what you guys are talking about.  I have found it remarkably easy to stick to my diet and lose some weight over the holidays. #Lies

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Apparently Jesus likes me better than you

Witless Exposition says: I'm going to make this short, because I'm pretty sure that everyone is busy with holiday stuff (i.e. passed out already from booze and overeating). This week's exercise front was an absolute joke.  TBM worked from home this week, so any semblance of our usual schedule went right out the door.

Last night I blew the food front a bit, but not as much as I thought I would. I was too busy playing hostess and drinking champagne to really eat much. 

This morning I weighed myself and have lost another pound. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I like it.

Lorraine says: I call some sort of greater, universal racism bullshit here. Lily and I booze and eat and we gain weight. Bret, Wife and Bear booze and eat and lose weight? Thanks Baby Jesus.

In other news, I'm walking around our resort on a beautiful day and I fully plan on boozing and eating in just a bit.

Merry Christmas fellow blobs.

The Tricky Grinch says: You know Lor, I read your tweets.  I know you are a liar.  Almost every tweet you write is about something else you are putting in your body, be it cupcakes, alcohol, or pool boys.

Lorraine says: There are not many things I've refrained from during this "diet" but I'll have you know that I haven't had a single pool boy. BAM.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Cultural Education--Christmas Edition

Slightly Disappointing Says...

Yeah, I've got nothing good to say.  It's been a horrible week.  I had my Christmas today because of work, and, well, I got a lot of foods, none of which are in the vegetable category, all of which are in the "Hansel and Grettle" category.  I don't know if I spelled Grettle wrong, and I don't care.  I didn't weight myself today...because I didn't have time, what with breakfast and all.  I'm sure it was a disaster.  I'm sure I might even be close to the bear.  *sob!*  The only good thing I did was help move my girlfriend, which means my muscles were worked out, however the pain was washed down with sugar cookies and hot fudge sundaes.  My body feels awful from all of the bad food, which can be considered a good thing, because I got an e-mail that explains that Christmas is the season for feeling bloated and nauseated from a huge amount of calories.  Basically, I feel like Lily just before one of her famous abortions.

Merry *Christmas My Fellow Blobs.

*Unless you don't celebrate Xmas.  Lor and Lily don't right?  Don't Hispanics celebrate some sort of Pagan Holiday that involves sacrificing a virgin or something?  Thank God both of you have been safe for around 15 years.  I'm just checking to make sure.  I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

You leave my non-existent abortions out of this. And why do you keep talking about your "girlfriend" we all know she doesn't exist. And Happy Merry Christmas too you... be careful, we hear you're still V-teaming. ;)

C'mon, you know you didn't get much of a work out helping your "girlfriend" move.  I mean, how heavy can blow up furniture and, um...accessories be anyway?

You would be surprised.

Duh, Wife! I'm sure the pump weighs a lot. 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Hell is Never Losing Weight

Lorraine Says: I've lost my will to diet. I don't even know what else to say other than that. It's like I need a diet nap. I'm a bit exhausted, a bit disillusioned, and a lot in love with free holiday cookies at work. 'Tis the season.

I hopped on my stupid, defective, inconsistent and poorly made Scale of Random Numbers this morning (no, I still haven't bought a new one...) and it told me I was still squarely where I was last time I checked like two weeks ago. I'm not surprised. To make matters all worse, here comes Christmas.

Actually, this Christmas won't even be so bad. I think perhaps Santa gifted me with the best possible way to do the least amount of holiday dinner damage: Our family will be going to Orlando to spend the weekend there.

See, usually we celebrate on the 24th with a ginormous family dinner followed by waiting for midnight to open gifts. And by "waiting for midnight" I obviously mean "nibbling on every snack available in order to pass the time more quickly."

Christmas is bad.

But! Since we'll be out of town, Christmas dinner will be downgraded from ginormous to simply big. Also, snacking will be limited as no one wants to pack the amount of food we usually consume. See? It's a Christmas miracle.

Can you all just call me after the New Year too? I'm pretty sure that's what the Ethiopians do, anyways.

Little Tiny Bret Says: Even Ethiopians feast at Christmas.  The roast the bones of the famine dead loved ones that died the previous month.  For desert they have the almost dead.

The Wife Says: We're going to hell for this.  Well, maybe just Bret. The rest of us will get time in purgatory or something.

 Lorraine Says: I'm pretty sure we'll all be skinny in hell. Or maybe hell is never eating but still being fat.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Gotta Do It Wrong To Get Results

Lily Says: So, I did everything right this past week. I didn't eat bad food (read: fast food, fried foods, etc). And for what? Plus two pounds?! WTF?!

That was stupid. So basically: eating McDonald's every other day, drinking water sometimes, mucho soda, chips occassionally, and twinkies for breakfast is the key to weight loss. Fuck it. I quit this week. Call me after Christmas. :)

Wife Says: Hmmm...any tequila in the mix?

TBM Says: That's like asking if she's been breathing this week...

Lorraine Says:  Or did you have a fight with your bf? Less cardio anyone...? 

Lily Says: Wife: Definitely will be tequila in the mix. 

Lor: No fighting with the bf. But fighting would equal MORE cardio... because you know... Make-Up Cardio. But cardio has been at normal levels.

Tricky Fish Says: Maybe he, do I put this...left 2 pounds of cardio inside of you?

Monday, December 20, 2010

A short one, but still not as short as Bret's...

TBM Says: 272 bitches!!  Apparently last week's measurement was a bit flawed.  I jumped on the scale again later that day and found that I was actually down to 275.  Now I'm down another 3 pounds.  I'm really hoping that by next week I'll see the 260's.

I'm pretty excited about the prospect.  I missed a couple of days at the gym for some social engagements and a couple of late work days, but I've managed to stick to my diet and even managed to stay well under my allotted 1800 calorie regimen.

Lorraine Says: I'm still not quite clear on what happened last week. Were you thinking fat? Was the Wife stepping on the edge of the scale to throw you off your game? Were you dipping into Lily's liquor stash and thus too trashed to properly read the numbers off the scale? Did an Ethiopian follow you home and sit on the scale?
I feel like we need explanations.
Congrats on the losing weight, you know, while not really sticking to your work out rotuine. I feel like we set an amazing example for fatties and children everywhere.
And by "we" I mean you people who are still losing weight.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The triumphant return of Ethiopians and Bret's racism

Witless Exposition: I'm really excited that every time I weighed myself this week, the trend was down.  So I can unequivocally say that I have lost a whole pound this week.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but both my doctor and my internet research says 1-2 pounds lost a week is really what you should aim for.  It's safe for your body, and it's more likely to stay off if you lose it slowly.  Your body has a chance to get used to the change instead of thinking that you're a starving Ethiopian and holding on to every fat cell it can get its grubby little hands on.

I'm very proud of myself this week.  While we haven't worked out every day, each time we've gone, I felt less like dying.  I'm still at a level where my body is working hard (my heart rate is in the target for aerobic exercise each time), and the circuit room weight still makes me work, but I don't have to stop to catch my breath anymore, and I'm able to do a little more/go a little faster each day.

As far as the food front this week: I've splurged a little on several days, BUT each day I did, I made sure I ate less calories for my lunches/dinners.  I.e. salad for lunch with a single pack of chocolate ice cream.  I was still in my range of healthy carbs per meal, and since I don't really do dressing much, the salad filled me up, but didn't pack a big calorie punch.  I'm starting to learn that I really, actually, and honestly can do this whole portion control thing.

So if I keep going at the rate I am now, I have roughly nine months before I hit my first weight goal.  That's a bit depressing, but it no longer feels impossible.

Lorraine: If we all keep doing well, what the hell do we blog about? So, um, how about those Ethiopians?

The Bear Monk: I actually got to try Ethiopian food's apparently pretty big in the greater DC area.  I have to say...I really liked it but I can definitely tell why they're so damn skinny...other then the whole famine thing.  That shit was SPICY.

 Lily: Mexican food is spicy... Why am I not skinny?!

Oh, right. Most of it is deep fried.

The Bear Monk: I'm glad to see that logic is finally prevailing with you Lily.  These Ethiopian folks apparently cook their meats in some crazy spicy sauces and then throw raw jalapeƱos on top for good measure.  I know...I tried one to see what it was.  It was not NOT a green pepper. 

Lily: Bwahahahaa. I'm going to try to not fry anymore food. 

Slightly Fishy or something: You'll feel a lot better after you stop frying food lily.  It is far more satisfying when someone else does it for you.

Tweet This Fat Ass

Slightly Disappointing Says....

266.  Another pound gone, and let me tell you.  It pleases me very much.  This wasn't such a good week.  The book I read kept telling me that you had to walk 30 minutes a day, "no excuses."  However the temperature outside dipped below 80, and in Florida, that's fricking frigid.  The weather was my excuse, and I replaced 30 minutes of walking with hot cocoa stirred via candy cane.

I did continue working out though, and I think it's helping quite a bit.  I feel stronger.  I feel quicker.  I have more energy.  And I know this is from working out.  That is because my back went out when lifting weights, and so all of the lying in bed in pain has made me become well rested.

Still, I lost another pound.  I am down 19 overall.  I need 14 more to achieve my goal and get extra money from my job.  And most importantly, Blogging Blobs has twitter.  I guess it was a good week after all.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


Lorraine Says: This has been one of my best weeks since this all started. I'm doing well about eating before I'm dying, I'm still drinking lots of water, and my stomach has apparently shrunk - it takes a lot less to make me full than it did before.

I know, I know. I'm amazing. But just so I don't give you all inferiority complexes, I'll just tell you about how flippin' cold it's been lately. And by cold I mean 30's-40's-50's. This to me is torture. I'm not prepared for the cold. I don't want to be prepared for the cold. I am not amused by this dip in temperatures.

It's like I'm cold blooded. Something about the cooler temps makes me want to go into a lizard-coma. Getting out of bed is a mission. Getting out of the house is a bigger mission. Staying active at all? Mission impossible.

So while with each passing weeks I'm gaining significant ground in my quest to not eat like a third grader, I have yet to get my proposed active lifestyle off the ground.

Also, my scale is totally defective. I have no idea where I actually stand with weight so until I buy a new one (today at lunch? Maybe.) we'll be happy to cheer my new eating habits on. Not too loudly, though. I'll probably be napping.

Mini-Sausage Bret Says: Who cares about your stomach.  Did anything else shrink?

Lorraine Says: Aaaand now my mind is off with me to the land of your shrunken sausage.

Size matters, guys. Size totally matters.

Lily Says: It even matters with imaginary girlfriends.

The Wife Says: If Bret shows you "proof" of his girlfriend, don't believe him.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Sad Post/Tricky Flash's return to blogging.

Lily Says:  Okay, so I guess I survived finals and whatever. But not really. Because I was so stressed last week, it created other problems. My stomach begins to attack me as soon as I eat anything. And it sucks. I don't know what it is. 

Last week I was at 172. This week... The little arrow is between the 2 and the 3. So it's either 172.5 or I'm gaining weight while on the scale. I think minus 8 pounds in one month is success. Watch me gain it all back next week. 

Tricky Bitch... I mean Fish Says: I had no idea being a whore could be such an effective weight loss technique.  Bravo.

Lily Says: Uh? Whore? Your face.

Also. I forgot to congratulate you... Congrats on your blogging return, Asshat!  Heart you!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Pleased to Meet You...Won't You Guess My Name?

TBM Says: So I weighed in on Thursday cause I felt like I was doing extra good with the whole dieting/exercise thing and low and behold I was down 4 pounds.  276.  Needless to say I was pretty happy with my results.  As Friday came, I realized I had a social gathering (yes unlike Bret I do manage to have friends outside the internet) that I planned on heading to.  Just a couple guys from work, the wives and some ribs.

I restrained myself, I really wanted to have more ribs, but I resisted and managed to only go about 300 calories over my normal 1800 for that day.  Saturday found us being lazy and missing the gym...little did I remember that the damn joint closed at 7 pm on the weekends.  We did however take the pooches for a nice 30 minute stroll so it's not like we sat on our asses the entire day...just most of it.

And then there was Sunday...with the wife feeling like crap and Warcraft whispering sweet nothings in my ear I knew there was no hope that we'd be going to the gym.  I also had to get my last bit of Christmas shopping done so I guess I can count that bit of store trolling as some exercise.  Anyway...I've read that allowing yourself one day of indulgence during a week of dieting makes the rest of the week easier.  Having this bullshit thought firmly in my head I picked up a piece of cake and pizza from the local grocery and headed home to surprise the ailing wife.

As the consequence for my "indulgence", when I weighed in this morning I found that I was back to 280.  I swear to God I almost through the damn scale.  I mean how the fuck can 3 slices...fine I had 4...4 fucking pieces of shitty pizza make that much of a difference?  I didn't even have lunch yesterday.  

I think I'm adding pizza to my public enemy list...#1.  Fuck you Papa Domino Hut.

Lily Says: By "through the damn scale" do you mean you "almost threw the damn scale"?

TBM Says: Thank you grammartron.  See I was so enraged that I forgot how to spell. 

Lily Says:  Yeah.... aha. Be glad it was me and not Bret.

TBM Says:  I'm sure he's just laying in wait, for the best time to pounce and crush my fragile psyche.

Lorraine Says:  I'm not sure what all the anger is about. I think it's pretty obvious that you just need to poop.
Thank you for proving the whole "one day of indulgence" theory wrong though. Comfort yourself with the thought that your brief brush with success and then crushing bounce back was a valuable lesson to us other blobs.
Just like I learned from Lily that pink stains go with anything! And from Bret that if you buy a broken scale, you too can lose weight! And from the Wife that staying hydrated while exercising is overrated.
This is what we're here for people. 

Bret "The Hammer" Says: Had I gotten here first I would have said, "Bear is so fat he can't even spell "threw" without extra letters.

For the record, I think you should have "throughn" the scale.  It would have burned a few more calories.  And frankly, at this point, your scale would probably appreciate a quick, shatter-filled death rather than the slow crushing you put on that thing.  You think it can feel the difference between 280, and 276?

Friday, December 10, 2010

A little off balance

Witless Exposition says: 
This has been a straight down the middle type of week. No really huge setbacks, but no real milestones either. I've lost about 1/2 a pound this week, but I'm not fully claiming it because my weight has fluctuated a lot this week.

The Bear and I got back on our exercise regimen, only missing one day so far this week. I'm pleased with it overall, because while the circuit room kicked my ass yesterday (the first time I had done circuit since before Thanksgiving), I can tell that I'm making headway with the elliptical. I can go much longer without having to stop, and when I do stop it's to drink.

I'll never be coordinated enough to be able to drink water and do the elliptical at the same time. It'd be really embarrassing to get choked on water in a gym full of people. They'd probably think I was having a heart attack or choking on a ham sandwich and try and give me the Heimlich or something.

I've also started using an app on my phone to track calorie intake and output from exercising. I'm averaging around 1500 calories a day when I skip breakfast and 1400 when I eat breakfast. I really need to make myself eat something in the morning. Either way though, with the exercise, I'm still under the calorie limit so I should, in theory, start losing weight pretty soon.

The biggest thing that's helped out this week, was I made a list of healthy breakfasts, lunches, and snacks. When I'm hungry and don't have a meal planned like we do with dinner, I just eat random stuff, and it's usually not a very good combination. This way, I can look and see several options and pick what sounds good that day.

I guess I'm still at the point where positive change is enough, but I'm really looking forward to when I can see a steady improvement in the gym and eating styles.

TBM says:
We had to skip that day at the gym...I had a new video game and it NEEDED to be played. Needed!!!

Lorraine says:
I thought I was the only one who struggled to drink water on the elliptical. In general, I'm holding on the whole time I'm on it. I see people who have their hands free, or like sway them like they are jogging, or read a book, or knit a scarf. No. None of that is going on while I'm on an elliptical because I know the moment I let go, I'm going to fall off.

And Bear, just say it was your Wii Fit. Bret gets away with that all the time.

Lily says:
Knitting on an elliptical?! WTF?! I can barely get on one, let alone do anything else on it.

Lorraine says:
I may have exaggerated the knitting part in my extreme jealousy of anyone who is fit and/or coordinated enough to drink water while on the elliptical.

Fishy boy Bret says:
I never drink water when I work out. Never. Considering I often get egregiously sweaty twisting Oreo's apart, the last thing I need is water flying all over me while I try to line up mouth and bottle in the same spot. There is no need for increased liquid cascading over anything I come in contact with. I guarantee you no one uses exercise equipment after I'm done with it. I believe they bury it in a desert in Arizona.

I've been reading that because of the weight of muscle, when you start working out you won't see any difference in pounds, only in body shape. However, just to maintain muscled your body burns something like 250 calories a day for every pound of muscle and 2 for every pound of fat (I'll look up the exact numbers later), so you will be able to catch up quickly. And hopefully find a better looking husband. Such as a platypus.

Lily says:
It's friday bret, where is this "blog" you were supposed to be writing..

I dont think i would want to use anything you have used.

Fishy boy Bret says:
I actually was considering almost writing it today. So there.

Lily says:

TBM says:
I've always said I married up.

Lily says:
Fishy dog is just mad that his girlfriend is imaginary.

Witless Exposition says:
And made of sausage.

Lily says:
hahaha I forgot! That too. :)

Horrible and Disappointing

Bret Says: 267. -5 pounds.  Kick Ass.

O.K. So it might be an exaggeration.  First of all most of the weight has to be from, ummm, unloading multiple thanksgiving meals.  2nd of all, all of my weights came from the morning, where as this was this evening...before dinner...after barely having a chance to eat anything all day....while I was extremely dehydrated.

And yeah, directly after I unloaded even more turkey from my system.

Oh, and of course the weigh in happened on my "scale of random numbers."

Still, I'm in a good mood tonight. 267 puts me right back on track, even though it will probably go up next week.  I've started a workout plan.  I've started a NO EXCUSES 30 minutes of walking a day plan.  Today for lunch I had the chance to have an onion ring and bbq sauce covered cheeseburger and smothered in liquid cheddar fries, but instead chose a chicken wrap and apple slices.  It was horrible and disappointing.  It was everything a diet is supposed to be.

I'm sore, all over, and not from a long night of hide the sausage with Bear.  Everything is GOOD.  Except for your writings of course.

And on that note Lily, I will be back, with my new blog, this weekend.  There are lots of exciting changes in store.  There will even be a few new blogging blobs surprises for our 5 or 6 readers who might care....

Get ready.

Lily Says: Okay, so I was uber fail for Wednesday's post because of CARDIO. Sorry Lor. I still love you though!

Secondly, congrats on being back on track... over. achiever. I thought you said you were going to start celebrating your blobness... whatever. This seriously makes me doubt the return of your blogging. I gotta see it to believe it.

Lorraine Says: I refuse to celebrate a fake five pounds and any post that doesn't involve Bret and Bear playing hide the sausage.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I Either Get To Be Social or Skinny

Lorraine Says: It seems I've returned to some sort of normally scheduled programming. AKA, I've finally forgotten all the turkey I ate, and hopefully after a very good week, so has my body.

I say hopefully because I still don't want to get on the scale. I'm holding out hope for next week, but for now, I can only report that no boxes of zebra cakes were devoured in the making of this post. VICTORY.

Anyways, it's time for my difficulty of the week. Yeah, yeah, I mostly use these posts to complain about diets but whatever. It's sort of the point. Plus, despite an otherwise good week, I thought of something as typed this up and my stomach began growling at me angrily.

I'd like to say that I'm an emotional eater, but that's not entirely true. I mean, if I'm sad or bored or whatnot, I'll go for chocolate (duh) but not really food, food. I rarely crave things. I sometimes forget to eat. I only eat when I'm hungry.

Now, that might seem like an okay thing, but I'm talking about only eating when I'm really, really hungry. I just don't have a thing for food, so it isn't until my stomach is burning and grumbling that I think, "you know what? I should eat." Then, at that point, get me around food and I'm just gonna stuff my face.

I eat faster than my brain can process it all and tell my stomach it isn't ravenous anymore. I eat past the point of full. I'm not really an expert, but something tells me this is doing it wrong.

Since the start of this diet, I've been trying to correct this behavior - to eat because I have to and not because I want to. I've tried to put myself on a schedule.

I'll be honest that it hasn't always worked. Sometimes I still forget to eat. Like last night's dinner. At this point, the last time I ate anything at all was 24 hours ago.

I'll end this post now, and try not to eat a small island. Or all the Ethiopians. Or Bret's sausage.

I don't think I'll ever be THAT hungry.

Wifey-Poo Says: I know what you mean.  I have to force myself to eat breakfast every morning (or try to at least).  Otherwise I don't eat until my sugar drops so low my head hurts and my hands are shaking. 

And then I eat everything in the house.

A schedule is a good idea, because then you'll start to recognize your body's signals easier when you get hungry.  It sounds kinda lame, but would it help if you set alarms on your phone or something?

Congrats on the no full boxes of zebra cakes!

The Bear Monk Says: I've been pretty successful at adhering to a schedule myself.  It's all about being in a place and getting into a habit.  First thing I do when I get to work is fix myself oatmeal and a coffee.  At 11 I go to lunch and at 2-3 I have a 100 calorie pack of popcorn.  After that we just have dinner after the gym.

I always find it helpful to associate 1 action with another to help keep me on track.

Having said eating schedule on the weekend is completely fucked.  I rarely wake up early enough for a normal breakfast and if I do I'm likely gaming while the Wife is sleeping in.  And then there's the urge to go out.  The Wife is cooped up the whole week at the house while I'm at work so she wants to go out and as we all know it's a real bitch to eat right at a restaurant.  Especially here in San Antonio. 

It's a love hate relationship I have with this city.

Lorraine Says: I feel better knowing I'm not the only one who has to be mindful about an eating schedule. I suppose this means I should clear out all my "eat chocolate now" alarms out of the phone and add in "eat oatmeal, BOOOO" alarms. Hmmph.

Also, the eating out thing is big with me. Catching up with my best friends happens over dinner. Conversations with co-workers happen over lunch. Dates happen over dinner.

Do I have to chose between being social or being skinny?

Wifey Says: This is kinda the million dollar question isn't it? I guess it's just a matter of making difficult choices about what to order and maybe beinng more creative when it comes to the social stuff.  No easy answer, I'm afraid.

Lorraine Says: Unless you are Bret and don't have a social life. Why is he fat again?

Wifey Says: Don't know where this image came from, but I just pictured Bret on a date with a woman made of sausage.
Could that be the answer?

Bear Says: Oh and lets think about eating Bret's sausage for 1 second, there's no way in hell anything that small would be satisfying anyway.

Small Sausage Bret: Wow, I got a lot of press for a post I hadn't even written in.

Seriously though Lor, it seems like if your emotions get the best of you and ends up causing you to stuff your face with anything you can find, then the only possible solution is for you to get a boyfriend.  Then you can stuff your face whenever you want, but it will be a low calorie workout instead.  Of course, to be fair to him you should find someone that already suffers from Herpes so they don't get a nasty surprise in the future.  Oh, and they should be blind. 

Lorraine Says: If by "press" you mean, "let's all point and laugh at Bret the sausage lover when he isn't around" then yes! What a whole lot of press!

And if by if by the rest of that you mean "I hit on Lorraine and have propositioned her multiple times and may have even tried to rape her but she keeps turning me down and/or running for her life so now I must make fun of her and call her easy and ugly and herpes infected," then I see where you are going.

And to that I say: the answer is still no Bret. As Bear said, not a very satisfying sausage. And Bear knows his sausage.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Final's Week = No Food

Lily says:

It's fucking finals week.

Have I told you guys how much I hate finals week?

I have no time to eat. No time to sleep. No time to poop. But at least the last one would be okay, since I'm not eating.

Finals week is the bane of my existence. Why? I kill myself to get the most mediocre grade in a class, and then when I get my grades mid break, I'm like "oh, staight B's... great". And in my delusional state, I think.. "great.. B's. The world is ending". So I immediately eat an entire pizza by myself.

So though this week I'm -2 lbs... I'm scared that sometime next week, I'll be up 2312394234 pounds. But at least I didn't go up during Thanksgiving. :D

TBM Says:  Honestly, you'll likely get just as good a job with a 3.0 as you would with a 4.0 dear.  Don't stress so much over it.  Mediocrity isn't that bad.

Lorraine Says: Unless the stress is actually helping you lose weight. In which case, EW A B?!

Lily Says:  TBM: Yeah. But I'm a minority... and could probably use the extra 1.0. 

Lor: Yeah... a little bit, but it also makes my hair fall out too :( so it's a win lose. 

Some dude that doesn't blog anymore:  It's not the letters on your report cards that matter in the real world.  It's the letters under your shirt that will get you the money.  And in that world, B's are better than A's.

How was that?

Lily Says:  Well, in that case... I'm still average. 

Not good enough. 

PS, Bret, do you still blog? About anything? Other than this? Yes? No? 

Lorraine Says: Hey now, D's are worth something! And my boobs never lose weight, YAY.

Wife Says:  I'm sad because Brett probably has all our cup sizes beat.

Lily Says:  In the words of my little cousins, "Bret, you got TREATED!" 

But yeah, that also makes me sad. :( 

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Dawning of New Diet

TBM Says: I read once that if you allow yourself just one day a week to eat whatever you want, it'll make the rest of the week of dieting that much easier.  I've considered as much for myself and even tried a couple of times, but it always seems to continue to the next day and the day after that and so on and so forth.  

The Wife and I have had some distinct issues with getting back into the gym since we got back from Thanksgiving as well.  Only 3 times in the last week.  It's kind of depressing and honestly kind of painful those few days we have gone.

However, I'm going to be trying to put all these short comings behind me.  Today is a new day.  We've bought groceries for a significantly healthier diet and I AM going to the gym tomorrow...with or without her.  That's not true.  I'm going to force my dearest darling wife to come along too.  The healthier we are the more likely we are to have a child and that's the goal of the moment for us.

So raise your bowls of sugar free oatmeal with me folks!!  It's a new week and by God I'm going to lose at least 2 pounds!!

PS - I'm officially restarting at 283...

Fishy Says: You think going to the gym is painful for you?  Imagine the how the equipment that has to hold up your fat butt feels.
My prediction:  In 3 weeks you will officially restart at 297.

Lily Says: Fishy water-Bret, don't you think your Wii Fit feels the same way? 

I think you can do it, Bear!

TBM Says: Actually, I weighed in again this morning and I'm already down to 280 again.  I guess I'll see where I stand after the first day of managed diet and a trip to the gym.  I started recording my calorie intake at, hopefully that helps to make things a little more quantified for me.

Wifey Says: It really makes you think about eating that piece of cake when you see exactly how many calories and how much fat it has.  I try to not look at it as guilt, but just a price tag check.  If I see a shirt I like, I look at the price tag and decide if it's really worth that much to me.  Calories, fat, carbs, etc. are just the price tag of what we eat.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Dealing with my asshole

Witless says:
As I sat down today to try to figure out what to write, I took a look back at our posts this weeks.  I think we've all hit a major hurdle in our quest for healthier lifestyles.  This made me think about all the awful, terrible things I've done food wise this week and my relationship with food overall.  This morning I had an insight:

My relationship with food is exactly like my relationship with Asshole (my late high school, early college boyfriend)!

At the the beginning of the relationship everything was new and fresh, and when he screwed up, I just chalked it up to him being human. Then as he began to become more passive aggressive in our interactions I began to doubt where this relationship was going.  But not enough to break up, because most of the time he was nice (or so I told myself) and I thought I loved him.  By the end, I was being ignored and taken advantage of (and taken for granted), but I didn't leave even though I knew there were better things out there because it was habit and comfortable.  I knew what to expect from him, even if it was generally shitty behavior.  Then I had a wake up call and with the help of friends and a certain cute Bear, I had the guts to end it and move on.

It's not a unique story, I'm sure we have all had more or less the same experience, except maybe for Bret and his blow up doll.  Now for the food part:

I know all the things I'm supposed to be doing.  I haven't lived in a cave or in Amish country, so I know what's good for me: lots of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains; lean meats and sparingly used red meat; no sodas (even diet) or man-made created foods; at least 30-60 minutes of activity a day with a heavy focus on cardio.  That's the better out there waiting for me.

But I've lived for 27 years with my current status quo.  I know it's bad for me. I know it's taking years off my life and effecting my health.  But it's comfortable.  And for every time I get heartburn from crappy fast food, I have a few moments of bliss with a Blizzard or a piece of cake.

Making the kind of radical change I want and need to make is scary.  And it's not as simple as people want to make it out to be.  It's not just a case of will power or knowledge.  It's going against 27 years of what I know, into something brand new.  Which is scary and intimidating as hell.

Sorry to get so preachy, maudlin, whatever you want to call it.  So to lighten the mood:

Bret has a small penis. Lily is an alcoholic. Lorraine is lonely and has an imaginary best friend. Bear likes sausage.

Lorraine says:
I pretty much know what you mean. Even though there is knowledge in our heads, that has to constantly fight against experience. I mean, my dad used to take us every so often to eat chocolate frosted doughnuts before dropping us off at school. After dinner he'd always have a chocolate bar, which he'd kindly share with his three girls. My dad is a walking stick. Like a size 29. So glad he could pass on the habits and not the genes.

I probably giggled as I read through as I saw that you were going to discuss your relationship with assholes. Of course I went back and saw it was a particular Asshole, but whatever. I'll probably still think you and Bear bond over things like sausages and assholes. 

Lily says: 
You're preaching to the choir. It's so much easier to eat all the processed crap than to like make something healthy. I'd rather eat a pizza puff than to steam some veggies. Plus when I'm sad, it's easier to eat pizza and drink beer or vodka than to reach for, I don't know, trail mix. 

But on another note: I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Tricky Fish says: 
So to sum this all up, Bear is getting sloppy seconds?

Bear says: 

Lily says:
Bret is an asshole sometimes. Meanie Bret. 

Lorraine says:
So what you're all saying is that Wife dated Bret the Asshole until she left him for Bear who likes sausages?!

*grabs popcorn*

Er... Non-fat popcorn? 

Lily says:
Kettle corn is low in the fat stuff, care for some, Lor? 

Lorraine says:
Aaaand there goes Lily offering me food. Now the post is complete. 

Lily says:
I love you all! 

Just In Time For Christmas

Bret Says: 272.  Up 3 pounds.  Well that sucks.  I was actually only up a half a pound until yesterday, and then schizo scale had to jump that up after the one day I ate like a normal human.

Seriously.  The only thing I did well this week was that I didn't do any late night snacking.  This is because by 4 PM I had already consumed 16 pounds of turkey and was long ago passed out in some uncomfortable position near the kitchen table.

There was only one night that I did not have turkey, stuffing, and mashed potatoes as my main (and huge) meal.  One night, for whatever reason, all I had for dinner was pumpkin pie.

I'm sorry, I wrote that wrong.  All I had for dinner was A pumpkin pie.

You see, honestly, I am not a sweets person.  I mean they are good, but I far more crave the taste of some hormone injected dead farm animal.  That's what gets my engine running.  Not eating chocolate, or ice cream, or anything like that was simple for me.  No cravings at all.

But pumpkin pie I will kill for.

I need to get back on the ball, and soon.  This is supposed to be the one thing I cannot allow myself to lose at.  I want to live a long, healthy, energy filled life.  God help me if I end up like these other four pathetic saps.

Lorraine Says: Why am I not surprised Bret prefers meat to sweets? And just so that we're clear, he's working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, no break. He doesn't get laid. He doesn't drink. He eats whole pies for dinner and is GAINING weight. But us four are the pathetic losers?

I think I'm doing the math wrong.

You do realize that by the time you eat through the world's supply of Thanksgiving leftovers, it'll be time for Christmas, right?

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Guilt, Pork and What Bret Needs More

Lorraine Says: Stinky Fish Bret made a comment yesterday about this all turning into a celebration of our flab. I don't think so, but as I sat here today, wondering what to write that wouldn't essentially be Bear and Lily's failure posts combined, I sort of saw his point.

I ate a lot on Thanksgiving. And I didn't even set out to eat a lot. I thought I would be okay just taking tiny portions of all the different things I wanted to eat. I wasn't okay. I couldn't even pack any leftover when all was said and done because just the sight of food made me want to barf.

The next day, I was still pretty turned off by food so I didn't eat anything, until dinner time. By then, I had gotten so hungry, that I ate my face off again.

So, here's the trouble: falling back into the pattern I'd set up for myself. I've started again, lots of water, better foods, less chocolate, etc, but I still feel the disappointment of Thanksgiving hovering around me.

Like I said yesterday, I'm refusing to get on a scale. So, what's the positive in all this? GUILT.

I feel bad when I don't eat like I should. I feel bad when there is no progress. For a girl who would openly eat Hershey Almond bars for breakfast in front of her co-workers, guilt certainly is a different feeling.

Lily says: Guilt is such a Catholic thing. *prays a rosary*

And I wasn't a fail. I mean. I didn't eat the pork. But I'm sure Bret ate enough pork for all of us.

The Wife Says: I think it's a Southern thing, too. Which is especially messed up in a culture that forces you to eat ALL THE TIME.

Lorraine Says: Well, I'm not Catholic. And I do live in south Florida but calling this the south is pretty wrong. Guys, I think it's just good old fashioned, "hey maybe eating an entire box of zebra cakes isn't good for me" guilt.


Anyone have a single zebra cake?

Lily Says: I bought a twinkie so I could throw it at this kid in my Spanish class. He didn't go. So you want that?

Wifey Says: I think we all have to take charge of the guilt thing. When I start feeling guilty about my eating habits, that's when I'm on the road to throwing in the towel. "I'm never going to change" etc.
We're having to unlearn years of self-imposed bad behavior (although it sounds like our backgrounds didn't help any). ANY step is a step in the right direction.

Lorraine Says: Lily offers me a twinkie and Wife offers me magical words of wisdom. THAT, ladies and gents, is why Blogging Blobs is amazing.

Lily Says:  I offer treats because I care.

The Great Tickler of Women and Fish Bret Says: While sitting down and reading today's thoughts I decided to have a piece of chocolate.  This week has been a complete disaster, but I was watching Good Morning America and they had some expert in something who gave out millions of pieces of advice.  The main one was "For the week of Thanksgiving and week and a half around Christmas, quit the diet.  You are going to do it anyway, so it's not worth the guilt of failing."
Thus my diet starts anew tomorrow, runs for a few weeks, and then the period of gluttony takes over again.

I just can't take all of the guilt that I am feeling for this week.  Maybe Lor can, because she has endured and gotten used to a lifetime of failures.  Maybe Lily can, because she is able to replace pork with getting porked repeatedly, but I just can't do it.  So I'm going to have another piece of chocolate.

Lily Says: I call it CARDIO, not "getting porked". Duhhhh! Also, eat some Chick Fil-A like a man.

The Bear Monk Says: We're getting kind of deep into this aren't we?  Guilt can really do a number on us all.  We feel guilty about over eating and as most of us are likely emotionally eaters, we will in turn eat to ease our guilt.  And so the cycle continues.

I'm with you on this whole take a week off thing Bret, but that shouldn't mean that we cave in to gorging ourselves on whatever we'd like.

The Fishiest of all that Fish Says: I don't understand Bear, my entire diet philosophy has been to NOT gorge myself whenever I'd like.  Thus taking a week off means that I will literally be stealing candy from babies.

I think the important thing is to not quit exercising.  I say this in a week in which I all but quit exercising. 

Lily Says: So you're going to quit exercising next week?

Blah Blah Blah Fish Says:  Actually I just need to make sure I DO exercise.  Work has been so busy that I skipped my usual lunchtime walk...and then still worked an extra half an hour at the end of the day.  730-630 without a break?  That's how I live!

Lorraine Says: So basically you work all day with no breaks, have an imaginary girlfriend, occasionally tickle ovaries and love your Grandfather's sausage?

Have another piece of chocolate Bret.

You know, I'm feeling better already.

Lily Says: Lor, can I have that twinkie back? I think Bret needs it more.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Can I start over?

Lily says: I'm deathly afraid of stepping on the scale this week. Thanksgiving extravaganza was horrible. There was too much food and what not. And it was pointless do Ethiopian Diet the weeks leading up to T-gives. Not to mention that there were no Lily-friendly foods at our table. I don't eat pork. And freaking people in my family decide "well 2010 Thanksgiving is ALL PORK-GIVING". Gee, thanks. Assholes. So I ate nothing but mashed potatoes and arroz con gandules (which threw me for a loop, I didn't know I was now Puerto Rican).

So let's start over.

Egg white omelette for breakfast. GO!

TBM says: I assume when you say what not, you mean vodka...and seriously, no pork?  What other reason do we have to shamble along through this meaningless triviality called life then to consume mass quantities of smoked, baked, or fried pork?

Lily Says: yeah no pork. pork = gross. I hate the way it smells when it's being cooked.

Stupid Face-Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead AKA Bret says: bad memories of when your older cousin made you do horrible things to him while cooking up some pig?
Oh, and this week has really made me open up my eyes about this blog.  I think instead of weight loss it should turn into a celebration of being fat.

Lor says: It certainly isn't a celebration. I mean, we all enjoy food, sex and some of us even like booze, but I'm not sure anyone is thrilled about being overweight. 

We feel bad for our ways, Bret. I mean, I do. You might be happy. Does this mean you have sausage in your mouth again?

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Leftovers are Finally Gone

TBM Says:

So, Thanksgiving wasn't really that bad...all carbs considered.  What really hurt was the time I missed in the gym.  I could really tell the difference.  My joints were stiff and most of my meager muscles were really sore for most of the week.

We started out saying that we would go down to the beach and take a walk everyday.  For the dogs...  That didn't happen.  The thought never really crossed my mind actually.  Faced with a PS3 and a comfy chair my memory lapsed and I played Red Dead Revolver instead.

At least my thumbs got a workout...

So your thumbs had a good week. *yawn*

I'd love to make fun of all of you...but I have had a horrible week, so I will hold my pumpkin pie covered tongue. 

You know that actually explains all the silence. I think none of us really feel entitled to cut anyone down. That, plus, I'm sure some of your mouths are still full. 

I'm of course referencing pie. 

Friday, November 26, 2010

RIP Turkey Day

Witless says:
I guess I get the wonderful privilege of being the first fail post of the week.  I'm sure we'll all have horror stories of various degrees, which will probably start a horrible spiral until Christmas. (Except for maybe Lor, who I think might already be dead).

This week was rough, but not as bad as I expected it to be, really.  We visited my Dad in the Fried Belt AKA the south, where you can even get your butter deep fried (no, really, they have it here at fairs).  We ate out a lot more than we have been in the past, but for the most part I choose to have things that weren't bad for me.  I avoided fried foods for the most part, except when we went to Raising Caines, and choose healthy side items when possible or even opted for no side at all.

I did completely fall off the water wagon, drinking Diet Coke and Coke Zero almost the whole time.  And I do have to say, I actually miss non carbonated drinks.  If I don't have one for a couple of weeks, I really am ready to kill for it, but now I'm looking forward to having good water to drink (the water here is terrible tasting).

I've also completely fallen off the exercise wagon, and I really really miss it.  That's probably the biggest surprise of all.  I've felt draggy all week, and it wasn't just the turkey.  I'm ready to get back to the routine we've been building. I don't look forward to having to start all over again, but hopefully it'll get back to where I was before.

I've refused to look at the scale this week.  I'll give a numbers update next week, where I'm hoping to be where I was before we left. 

Lorraine says: 
Wait, when did I become the one who died? A girl has one bad week and you guys already kill her off.

I'm really excited to be on this side of Thanksgiving. Sure, Christmas is around the corner, but my family will be out of town and I feel like that'll be a much more manageable hurdle. I feel all icky after this last week. My body is rebelling against the calories and -shock- soda.

I'm not dead though. I'm still alive and in this. And soon enough I'll be back in spirits to declare myself as the winner. As for now, I'm gonna go decide whether I want to gym or paint my nails.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Goodbye 270's (until next week)

Bret (What the Hell) Says- 

Hello all, my weekly weigh in shows me at 269-which i minus 16 so far, a 2 pound loss, which i think is collectively more than this entire pathetic group.  I'd be proud of that, but I think lily has gained 8 pounds since we started, so it really doesn't count.

First off, let me point you here... this would be the blog of one our most (and by that I mean only) loyal readers who has written her 2nd blogging blog feature.  Essentially she is fascinated like a child watching a rat in a maze about our continuing evolving thoughts on weight loss, and offers some possibly helpful tips on how to stay healthy.  I say possibly because I believe she is a smoker, which means that she will stay fit, trim, and healthy until she succumbs to lung cancer in 3 months.  For those who go ahead and read, please note that her 1st point is the essence of my entire diet.  I'm not counting calories.  I'm doing healthy foods and portion controls.

Also, I did my biggest weight loss secret of all this week:  I got my hair cut.  My hair was getting pretty long, and I cut it really short, so i think that was a tenth of a pound in my favor.  If I could lose a tenth of a pound every time I pay 15 dollars, I'd be all over it.  The fast food alone would make me skinny.

OK here is my other dirty little secret:  I have the Wii Fit.  Now, the Wii Fit sucks as an exercise tool (oh look!  after setting up the game, listening to the instructions for a minute, waited for the timer to count down, and watched the post game graphics of my wii celebrating, I burned 2 calories!), however it is GREAT as a weight tracking tool.

For instance, my likely broken scale, the one that I use to tell you my weight here, goes only by half pounds.  That alone is demoralizing.  If you have to lose half a pound to see progress, that means you can work hard for a few days before a scale even tells you anything.  And I know that you aren't supposed to look at a scale every day, but I also know that I will never STOP looking.  So shut up.

Any"weigh" besides that fact I've noticed my scale doesn't really go in half pounds.  It goes in pound "sections".  So all week I watch my scale bounce between 271.5 and 269 and I hope and pray that it ends on 269 so I can say I lost weight.  (Actually today it bounced between 267 and 269, which means I know that according to that scale, I will NEVER weigh 268).

The Wii fit though, tells you BMI to the 2nd decimal, and weight to the first.  So when I measure myself daily I can see some sort of change, and that's what really drives me forward.  Especially in this tough holiday season when cookies are everywhere and softball is over.  I started a workout plan that has been successful so far, but I fully believe only because I can see the daily fluctuations of my body on the wii fit to constantly inspire or shame me.

Which leads me to this place, which has honestly been successful in doing the same thing.  Knowing that if I quit dieting means that I either have to 1)report weight gain here or 2) publicly quit a lorraine-like failure keeps me looking at each week as a goal.  It's been very good in keeping me driving towards small goals and focusing at the task on hand for the long run, that is, up until I quit in a few weeks.

Anyway, everyone out here have a Happy Thanksgiving, I am quite certain that this next week will be an absolute blogging blobs disaster.  And I'm looking forward to it.

I'm not even going to pretend I read anything past Chole's post mention. So whatever your said, "Bret" is a moot point. Happy thanksgiving. I'm off to celebrate when the cowboys killed the indians. 

I'm still amazed at the crazy tricks we try to say we've lost weight. Really, Tricky, hair? It's only a matter of time before someone orders a tapeworm from China or something.
I can't say I'm surprised you have a Wii, that fits in perfectly with my mental image of you.
Prepare for the fail and happy Thanksgiving.

Closet Homo Says-

A Wii fit?  Really?  I suppose you do require negative feedback in order to opperate by normal human standards.  Only in this wonderfully obese country could we justify playing a video game as exercise, but I'm almost proud that you haven't swallowed that a box of Zebra cakes.

Bret Says-

I'm just amazed that all of you have responded.  Well, not all of you, but who expected Lor anyway?  I'm sure she doesn't want to type with turkey carcass and gravy dripping from her fingers as she forgoes silverware for being "too slow."

After Thanksgiving. Honest.

Lorraine Says: To sum up my week: FAIL.
There is no lying to you, to the diet gods, to the Ethiopians or to my scale who remained unmoved and might have even rolled its eyes at me.
This week was a diet fail. I wasn't even trying. Yeah, yeah, two or so weeks in and I sort of gave up. I have a Play-doh will and dandelion self-control. I've been surrounded by friends and family this past week and all anyone wants to do is flippin' eat. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I'm in charge of making all the dessert. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Anyways, I did at least learn a lesson from my fall from diet victory this week: I need to get back to the gym. Just cutting out zebra cakes isn't going to help me reach my goal. Plus, I obviously haven't cut zebra cakes, I just started buying the Christmas tree ones. I have the least amount of weight to lose and really a lot of it is tightening up the flab. The gym will be my best friend.
After Thanksgiving.

Lily Says: For some reason, I anticipate Bret or whatever his new name is, making this about him. *Sits and waits*

Are you making homemade zebra cakes for dessert? Or are you going to just place unwrapped zebra cakes on a tray?

Lorraine Says: I wish that would fly! Unfortunately, the stuff I'll be baking will be much, much worse than zebra cakes.

Tricky Fish Says: Well thank you for that intro lily, I just read it after my 45+ minute walk with my girlfriend.  During this walk I also did not eat any zebra cakes.  Of course that's enough about me.

Lor, don't think of your week as a fail.  Think of it as a win.  You win the most pathetic award.  You write with 4 different people that are way larger than you, and yet you are the worst at controlling your eating habits.  That's really something.

Just think, as you get older and your metabolism gets worse and you start getting really big you can get on disability and make the government deliver chocolate to your house for FREE.

I see a bright future for you.  Bright in the sense that you will one day fly in an airplane that cannot support your mass and the ensuing wreckage will light up the night sky.  I hear fat is very flammable.
Happy Thanksgiving.  I hope you eat a thigh bigger than your own. 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Lily Says: I'm trying to mentally prepare for the amount of food that will be presented to me on Thursday, AKA: Kill a Turkey Day, or the day the Pilgrims killed the Indians in the first basketball game.

I lost another stupid pound.

Just one. WTF. This is what happens when I go out drinking. Though I haven't ate all week, I'll decide to drink those calories, get super  shit faced and feel like shit the next morning.

I hope the Turkey Gods help me not overeat turkey.

Tricky Fish SaysI don't know what you are complaining about with this only lost a pound stuff.  In a normal week you gain what, 12 pounds?  I think losing a pound is pretty darn good for you, even though it's the equivalent of bear having a mole removed.

Lorraine SaysMaybe it's all the promise of mass amounts of food, but I've been out of form lately. As much as I would love to pick on Lily for being a lush or for only losing a pound or I dunno, that booze-stained shirt I love so much, I'm just so happy about food. REAL FOOD. Turkey. And maybe even some drink that isn't water. And OMG, did I mention FOOD?
Obviously, I'm distracted.
Now, what is Tricky babbling about? He wants to eat Bear and have a mole removed?

Witless Says: Thanksgiving is glorious!

Do you want to hear my healthy living compromise for Thursday?  We're only having sugar free chocolate pie for dessert.  No pumpkin, no pecan, just one dessert.

Hey, we all have to start somewhere, right?

TBM Says: Personally I feel like the whole no pumpkin pie thing is bullshit.  Pumpkins are super healthy after all.

Monday, November 22, 2010

A slight change of plan

So this week the Wife and I are on vacation, visiting my father in-law and in all honesty I've completely forgotten about my post until just now.  As such I'll be diverging from our regular format and forgoing the mockery.  Or at least the mockery I suffer in the actual post itself.

By all means you guys feel free to fire away in the comments.

So I've been eating pretty good and I've gone to the gym everyday up till Friday which is when we left.  We met with a trainer at the gym we joined and we're now working by a plan, which actually seems to be helping.

First off the evils of circuit training...whoever invented this particular workout format is most assuredly roasting in the fires of Hell right now.  A 30 minute workout consisting of 60 second intervals of light weight lifting and cardio.  Let me tell, it's a fucking painful experience.

And then there's the damn "Arch" machine (Using "'s here because I'm not 100% sure what the thing is called.  It sounded like they said arch).  It's like a machine that makes you run a row of tires...only there's no stopping.  Just high stepping as fast as you can.  I'm not entirely sure my legs will ever feel the same again.

And last but certainly not least is the God forsaken Elliptical.  This device was obviously created by Satan himself.  It's like the "Arch" machine only it's really hard to go slow.  I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong or what but it seems like I gain momentum and all of sudden I'm like sprinting and to be fat ass can't handle that shit for long.

So that's been my week.  I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to manage a workout routine while I'm away from the gym.  So far that plan has gone abysmally.  I've done nothing but sit around and play video games and watch movies all day.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Does better late than never work out here?

I know, I know, you've been waiting anxiously for my post, but TBM and I were on the road.  It's hard to get WiFi in a moving care the middle of nowhere.  But here it is, I hope it's been worth your wait.

Witless Exposition says: Later today I'll be getting whatever magic pills are supposed to help me with this whole body revolting against me syndrome.  But so far this week, without them I've been able to "loose" roughly three pounds this week.

I've eaten pretty close to how Tricky eats when he's at a buffet, but better than when he's with his family.  Even though there were some days where my food intake was pretty abysmal, I've been very focused on the missing magic ingredient to the healthy living mix:


Yes, TBM and I have joined the fat ass gym (AKA Planet Fitness) and have gone each day for a week.  Every day I've been able to push myself a little further. And each day the urge to die while on that damned Elliptical machine has faded. 

And the biggest surprise of all?  I've actually enjoyed myself.  I've slept better and been less tired this week than I have in months (I actually slept for 6 hours straight last night, which is a big deal for me).  I guess this whole exercise thing actually is good for me.

Although, I have found one part of the gym that creeps me out:  watching the weightlifters stare at themselves while doing reps.  It makes me feel dirty, as if I'm watching them masturbate.  Really, really icky.

So, I'm starting to get in my ducks in a row, even though I haven't gotten on the water bandwagon yet.  There is just a limit to how much water I can take in a day.  Maybe a dash of tequila would help?

Tricky Fish says:  Oh man, I completely agree with you on the weight lifters.  They stare at themselves longingly.  It's horrible, and what's worse, is that it causes me to stare at them like I am some sort of voyeur.  You sit there thinking, "What's going on in their heads?  Are they that attracted to themselves that they just stare in the mirror for an hour?"  I mean they really seem to get off on that.  Then, inevitably, they will make eye contact with you through the mirror.  And you just KNOW that they think that you are staring at them because you are attracted and envy them, when in fact you have to believe that their like is a steroid and testosterone filled mad house featuring battered women, and shrunken testicles.

And then you think, "actually, that doesn't sound that bad..."

Anyway, here is my (honestly) inspirational video of the day, he is the brother of one of my favorite writers of today, and has his own weight loss blog.  He has lost 220 pounds as of this video.  I would love to lose 220 pounds, except that all that would be left of we would be 6 toes and an elbow.

And here is his blog, unfortunately his blog starts when he was already on a pretty successful diet, and that's no fun.  You want to show people you can make it through the most painful parts, like when it takes you a month to lose 2 pounds, and 12 minutes to eat 6 pounds of spaghetti.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

"Title, Jesus Christ, I don't know. Make fun of you."

Tricky Fish Says: 271--I think that's down 3 more pounds from last week and 14 total.  This one even included my girlfriend's birthday and a very nice breakfast buffet where I had to continuously tell myself not to "get my money's worth"

I have continued to eat healthy, and yes, drink almost exclusively water (something I was doing before this diet anyway).  This is because I'm not an idiot and have researched why water, and being even more thirst, and drinking even more water is good for you.

Take this one random link...,-Drink,-Drink---How-Water-Increases-Metabolism&id=1001158

Water is fantastic for you.  The fact that you haven't been drinking this much water before means that your body was simply adjusting to the Arizona life style that is being in your body.  With the water though?  It's begging for more.  It cleans out your system, hydrates you, helps with your joints, it does everything.  Whereas studies clearly show that zebra cakes are only about 80% as good as water.

O.K. Back to me.  My girlfriend made me stir fry last night with something called "toe foow" which is otherwise known as "not food."  However she flavored it like food, and as an Ethiopian, I gobbled it down.  I even invited her to make it again if she wants.  In fact, to be honest with you, with her making my food recently (I cannot cook, only order out) I honestly have to wonder when the last time I ate meat was.  I know that answer is easy for bear, it was the last time he was on his knees, or this morning.

Lorraine Says: I know water is good for you, idiot, that's why I'm drinking it.

Not good for you? This imaginary girlfriend that you keep trying to sell us. Now she's cooking for you? Right.

Also not good? Being consumed with thoughts of Bear and all the meat  he eats. It's clear to me that you are. Seriously, this obssession with all of our sex lives has got to be as unhealthy as a box of zebra cakes. Probably worse.

The Wife Says: I'm pretty sure that Tricky's "girlfriend" is really just his mother.  Maybe an aunt if we're lucky.

How good is he at photoshop? Because the next step is he's going to show us a photograph as "proof." 

Lorraine: As an ending side note, Tricky asked me to post this for him, which is why you'll see my name down below. And when asked what I should title the post about his fake girlfriend, his love of Bear's man-meat, the fact that he's dating his mom or aunt or both, the lovely gem of a quote that is now the title of this post is what he gave me.

Real original kid. Real original.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Great Water Myth

Lorraine Says: Aside from the occasional (and almost medicinal) cup of coffee, I've managed to phase every other drink out of my life. It's all me and water now.

"Oh, great Lorraine! Good job. How are you feeling? All thirst quenched?"

NO. Dammit.

This is the stupidest thing ever, because as I've increased my total water intake, I've gotten progressively thirstier. I'm that girl now, carrying around the super cute, super jumbo water bottle and taking sips out of it like if I were Lily and the water were tequila.

No matter how much water I drink (a lot) I always feel thirsty (not healthy) and cotton mouthy (ewww). And I swear, I didn't take that green little Chinese diet pill either.

I hate you, water.

That said, I lost another pound this week for a total weight loss of 4 pounds since we started. Look, I know 1-2 pounds a week is a pretty healthy weight loss rate, but it's also really fudgin' BORING.

Everything about diets is boring. I mean, I just spouted off about WATER as the most exciting thing in my entire diet week. I know some one is going to come out of the woodwork and say, "healthy food can be delicious!" and I'll say, "no. Chocolate is delicious."

And the truth of it all is that I don't really care that much about food. I want it to be two things really: easy and fast. (Dammit I can hear the whore jokes now. I beat you to it though, so consider shutting the hell up, son.)

Easy + fast + diet = bland.

That probably explains why I rebelled over the weekend. I gorged myself on sushi, I had IHOP, a vanilla Frosty, chocolate wine and I shared a box of zebra cakes. This is spread over Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so all things considered, this is still me behaving better than usual.


Did I mention the one pound?


Lily says: Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions.

Water is pretty boring. Drink some ginger ale... or Gatorade. Something to not make you feel like you just finished smoking pot.

Congrats on the one pound.

Bret Says: You think water doesn't work, however you spent your weekend as a human garbage dump for fat filled dairy drinks, 24 hour restaurant crap, alcohol that of course included chocolate, and at least a gallon of magical man juice (the last one was inferred).

Thus I think that you lost one pound from the water alone.  I'd congratulate you, but I'll save it for the results of your next STD panel.

Lor Says: And by "inferred" you definitely mean "I was having wet dreams about you again."

Dreams are just dreams, Bret. I'm STD and another pound free. I know that excites you in all kinds of ways, but no, I still won't sleep with you.