The Cleanse

Lily Says: Last week, I was on spring break and decided it would be an awesome time to do a full body cleanse.

I went over to GNC and bought the least intensive looking box. I bought this on a Thursday... I started it on Friday.

Almost immediately after taking the first little packet of pills and some "probiotic" dust, I had to go empty out everything extra I've been carrying around. Perfect. At least I was at home. Came out feeling 5 pounds lighter.

The problem was that you had to do this routine twice a day. And Friday nights are Cardio nights. And problems ensued. I didn't really feel any urgency in leading up to cardio. I just kept burping alot, I do this all the time anyway so I didn't really think much of it. But as we kept going, I started feeling like I needed to go AT THAT MOMENT. I couldn't just get up and leave. I'm like a teenage boy, and have no sense of priority when I have to chose what to do first: sex, or everything else. Obviously, I chose sex.

As much as I wanted to just go to the bathroom, I couldn't. And it just kept going...

This was super hard, I was trying to enjoy the sex that was going on, but I couldn't because I started getting a horrible pain in my stomach and what I believe to be every other organ in my body. So it came down to the decision of whether I should fake an orgasm or not just to go to the bathroom.

I weighed the pros and cons of this... I had like a million cons, and only one pro.

I couldn't take the pain anymore, because for some reason, my boyfriend decided to lay directly on top of me when he was finishing... which I thought was strange. Because of that, I decided to fake it. I haven't faked it since ... a long time ago. And because I always go pee after we're done, it didn't seem suspicious.

Well, it was a waste of a fake orgasm. Because I didn't even have to empty my bowels when I went to the bathroom. I peed and farted. And not even a loud, cool smelly one. A stupid little girly one.

What. The. Fuck?!

Well, that was the same story for the rest of the seven days of the cleanse. Was it worth it? Fuck yes! Six pounds lighter. Would I sacrifice another orgasm for a fart? Yeah, probably.

Lorraine Says: Lily this disturbs all of my female sensibilities. Or something.

Mostly, it's about the grossest story that's ever been told on Blogging Blobs. This even takes into account back when Bret and Bear used to be super fond of telling us "hide the sausage" stories.

No, wait. That was grosser.

At least you know you still have the skill to fake an orgasm? I mean, no woman wants to think she's lost that touch, in case of emergency.

Six pounds though? Six pounds o' poo?
I am both intrigued and scared.

Lily Says: Well, it wasn't just poo. It was also a liver, heart, kidney etc cleanse. So there was lots of pee too.

I like to think that faking an orgasm is a good trait to have.

The good thing is this story wasnt a "sex poo" story.

Bear Says: Faking orgasms so you can fart? That's got to be one of the greatest most disgusting stories I've ever heard.

Where can I get this cleansing thing again? for a 6 pound drop I think I can do without Cardio for a few days.

Lily Says: Answer is: GNC

Tuesday... Blah.

Lily Says:  So... 

Cardio = WIN

Food = WIN

Weight loss = WIN

Workout = Lose. 

In this little campaign of ours, I have learned that soda is really bad. Not only have I stopped drinking the carbonated delight, I am prohibiting anyone around me from drinking it. That means, when I go out to lunch with my friends on a school day, I tell them "hey fucking whores, stop drinking fucking Coke ya bitches". And they oblige. 

I no longer feel as bloated. 

I mean, I'm still fat... but all the carbonation makes me feel fatter. Now, I feel like a normal fat person, rather than a fat fat person. If that makes sense? If it didn't let me break it down.. I feel human, I don't feel like Bret. 

The next thing I plan to cut out entirely is caffeine, but I know that I would probably go on a murderous rampage. What? I love coffee. 

TBM Says:  I'm not really sure why we should cut caffeine out of our diets.  Lor mentioned this before and I must be misinformed on the whole caffeine topic.

I thought the shit would raise our metabolism and thus cause us to burn more calories?  Now I'm also using Splenda to sweeten my coffee and tea, but I'm pretty sure it's the gobs of sugar you're adding to your coffee and not the caffeine itself that's causing your ENORMOUS ass.

Wife Says:  They tell alcoholics not to quit smoking or go on a diet while sobering up, so I'd put caffeine in that same category.  Why make it harder on yourself than it already is?

No Wee-Wee Says:  That's what she said?

Lily Says:  Wife: I don't think it's harder. Maybe I can just yell at my friends. Like "yo bitches, stop drinking coffee around me you fucking heifas... go eat a baby hippo" or some random insult like that.

 

Bret... I don't even know what to say, Dolphin. 

I really do promise I'm not dead!

Witless Exposition says:
I've really got to stop this pattern I'm in or everyone's going to start thinking that TBM has killed me, put me in the bed, and every night does terrible, unspeakable things to my corpse...or something like that.

This week has been fairly good.  I'm pretty proud of myself in that I had to bake two cakes, but managed to only give in to one slice.  But the leftover frosting in the fridge...that's been more of a challenge.

In terms of fitness, we've managed to go to the gym twice, and through lots of panting and hard work, I'm actually burning more calories on the treadmill than when we were going more regularly.  It is still a bit discouraging when everyone around me is going 3-5 mph, but my poor short legs will only go up to 2.7.  I've even gone so far as to time my steps with the rail thin, tall orange woman beside me and my 2.7 was equal to her 3.8.  So that's got to mean something, right?

So you know know that there's a Wii in the Bear household now.  I've started pretty obsessively testing my "Wii age" on the sports game.  I know that it's not 100% accurate, because simply knowing how the mini-games work will boost your score, but happily I've been improving my age every time.

I think that's a pretty good learning curve for about a week, right?

Slightly Disappointing Says...

I always figured if Bear did more unspeakable things to your corpse you would both weigh a little less.

The triumphant return of Ethiopians and Bret's racism

Witless Exposition: I'm really excited that every time I weighed myself this week, the trend was down.  So I can unequivocally say that I have lost a whole pound this week.  I know that doesn't sound like much, but both my doctor and my internet research says 1-2 pounds lost a week is really what you should aim for.  It's safe for your body, and it's more likely to stay off if you lose it slowly.  Your body has a chance to get used to the change instead of thinking that you're a starving Ethiopian and holding on to every fat cell it can get its grubby little hands on.

I'm very proud of myself this week.  While we haven't worked out every day, each time we've gone, I felt less like dying.  I'm still at a level where my body is working hard (my heart rate is in the target for aerobic exercise each time), and the circuit room weight still makes me work, but I don't have to stop to catch my breath anymore, and I'm able to do a little more/go a little faster each day.

As far as the food front this week: I've splurged a little on several days, BUT each day I did, I made sure I ate less calories for my lunches/dinners.  I.e. salad for lunch with a single pack of chocolate ice cream.  I was still in my range of healthy carbs per meal, and since I don't really do dressing much, the salad filled me up, but didn't pack a big calorie punch.  I'm starting to learn that I really, actually, and honestly can do this whole portion control thing.

So if I keep going at the rate I am now, I have roughly nine months before I hit my first weight goal.  That's a bit depressing, but it no longer feels impossible.

Lorraine: If we all keep doing well, what the hell do we blog about? So, um, how about those Ethiopians?

The Bear Monk: I actually got to try Ethiopian food once...it's apparently pretty big in the greater DC area.  I have to say...I really liked it but I can definitely tell why they're so damn skinny...other then the whole famine thing.  That shit was SPICY.

 Lily: Mexican food is spicy... Why am I not skinny?!

Oh, right. Most of it is deep fried.

The Bear Monk: I'm glad to see that logic is finally prevailing with you Lily.  These Ethiopian folks apparently cook their meats in some crazy spicy sauces and then throw raw jalapeños on top for good measure.  I know...I tried one to see what it was.  It was not NOT a green pepper. 

Lily: Bwahahahaa. I'm going to try to not fry anymore food. 

Slightly Fishy or something: You'll feel a lot better after you stop frying food lily.  It is far more satisfying when someone else does it for you.

Shrinkage

Lorraine Says: This has been one of my best weeks since this all started. I'm doing well about eating before I'm dying, I'm still drinking lots of water, and my stomach has apparently shrunk - it takes a lot less to make me full than it did before.

I know, I know. I'm amazing. But just so I don't give you all inferiority complexes, I'll just tell you about how flippin' cold it's been lately. And by cold I mean 30's-40's-50's. This to me is torture. I'm not prepared for the cold. I don't want to be prepared for the cold. I am not amused by this dip in temperatures.

It's like I'm cold blooded. Something about the cooler temps makes me want to go into a lizard-coma. Getting out of bed is a mission. Getting out of the house is a bigger mission. Staying active at all? Mission impossible.

So while with each passing weeks I'm gaining significant ground in my quest to not eat like a third grader, I have yet to get my proposed active lifestyle off the ground.

Also, my scale is totally defective. I have no idea where I actually stand with weight so until I buy a new one (today at lunch? Maybe.) we'll be happy to cheer my new eating habits on. Not too loudly, though. I'll probably be napping.


Mini-Sausage Bret Says: Who cares about your stomach.  Did anything else shrink?


Lorraine Says: Aaaand now my mind is off with me to the land of your shrunken sausage.

Size matters, guys. Size totally matters.


Lily Says: It even matters with imaginary girlfriends.


The Wife Says: If Bret shows you "proof" of his girlfriend, don't believe him.
http://www.nerdist.com/2010/12/theres-an-app-for-reminding-you-that-your-life-didnt-go-the-way-youd-hoped/

Horrible and Disappointing

Bret Says: 267. -5 pounds.  Kick Ass.

O.K. So it might be an exaggeration.  First of all most of the weight has to be from, ummm, unloading multiple thanksgiving meals.  2nd of all, all of my weights came from the morning, where as this was this evening...before dinner...after barely having a chance to eat anything all day....while I was extremely dehydrated.

And yeah, directly after I unloaded even more turkey from my system.

Oh, and of course the weigh in happened on my "scale of random numbers."

Still, I'm in a good mood tonight. 267 puts me right back on track, even though it will probably go up next week.  I've started a workout plan.  I've started a NO EXCUSES 30 minutes of walking a day plan.  Today for lunch I had the chance to have an onion ring and bbq sauce covered cheeseburger and smothered in liquid cheddar fries, but instead chose a chicken wrap and apple slices.  It was horrible and disappointing.  It was everything a diet is supposed to be.

I'm sore, all over, and not from a long night of hide the sausage with Bear.  Everything is GOOD.  Except for your writings of course.

And on that note Lily, I will be back, with my new blog, this weekend.  There are lots of exciting changes in store.  There will even be a few new blogging blobs surprises for our 5 or 6 readers who might care....

Get ready.


Lily Says: Okay, so I was uber fail for Wednesday's post because of CARDIO. Sorry Lor. I still love you though!

Secondly, congrats on being back on track... over. achiever. I thought you said you were going to start celebrating your blobness... whatever. This seriously makes me doubt the return of your blogging. I gotta see it to believe it.

Lorraine Says: I refuse to celebrate a fake five pounds and any post that doesn't involve Bret and Bear playing hide the sausage.