Thursday, February 24, 2011

Another Milestone. Ho Hum.

Slightly Disappointing Says....

O.K. O.K. Enough of those boring people.  Let's talk about me.

270.  A 5 pound drop calls for a picture.

Only it's not really a 5 pound drop.  My broken scale says 270.  My roommates good scale says 266.8.  I'll stick with 270 up until I actually get a new scale in which case I can drop several pounds instantly.  Nice.

I did very well this week.  I ate healthy with every fricking meal.  Every one.  I walked every single day, and I played softball which has made me hurt like hell.  My only slip was today I ate pizza, but I did so because it was free.  Frankly I would chug free acid if offered.  Free is always more important than any diet.

So here I am, galloping past the Bear, continuing to be the only person on this blog that, you know, loses any sort of weight.  Next week perhaps with a new scale I can give you a 265 picture.

As for the pictures, I wore the same clothes to see a real comparison, but I'm sure you won't be able to.  At my highest I was 285 and I looked...the exact same.  It doesn't matter how much weight I lose, I look like what I look like.  I'm fairly certain I could lose a leg, and no one would notice.  Still, the women like to see me, and that's who I do this for, so...

Oh, now that I've looked at the photo, I am reminded of this weeks' most important weight loss event of all.  I got my haircut.  By a lunatic.  Still, less weight on top of my head.

Lily, enjoy all the cardio that I'm sure will go with looking at that photo.

Lily Says...

Bret, Cardio doesn't involve looking at pictures. Obviously, you're doing it wrong. No wonder your blow up doll is whoring around. C'mon dude.
Also, stop using broken scales. You know they lie.
Note to self: Give Bret acid. He likes free things. 

Lor Says...

So, I'm pretty sure Bear won't admit to this but he was pretty sad earlier now that Bret weighs less than he does.

There, there, Bear. The solutions is obvious: Bret. Likes. Free. Things. If he doesn't have a mailbox full of sausage by tomorrow, I'll be highly disappointed in you.

Big Fat Bear Says...

My only worry was about poisoning him with spoiled that I know he's into acid I'll be sending him some sausage made with year old coffee grounds.
After is free.

Slightly Disappointing Says...

Hey Bear, I heard you were diagnosed with "spoiled sausage."

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

When You Can't Feel It

Lorraine Says: I just finished having the driest salad ever invented. I’m pretty sure it had two bite-sized pieces of chicken and three cranberries. It came with almost no non-fat-blah-blah-blah dressing. I could’ve sneezed on this salad and it would’ve been wetter. (I’m preemptively regretting saying wetter in a post.)

This, sadly, is what my life has come to. I’m trying. I’m trying a lot.

For the second week in a row, Roxanne and I took a Sunday night, joint grocery store trip, to make sure we had healthy food options for the week. We’re still consistently attending the gym, and on days we need a break, we walk around the track at the nearby community college, or around the small airport that’s just next to it.

Can we talk about the gym for second? We do a ton of cardio whenever we’re there, and no you sick bastards, Roxanne and I don’t cardio cardio. Occasionally, we’ll use some of the other workey-outey machines, but lately we’ve been interested in using the free weights.

Oh, Lord.

We’ve run into these problems so far:
  1. We don’t exactly know what we’re doing.
  2. We are easily embarrassed, which means that we’ll mostly try to run away from people. This leaves us using the aerobics room, when there aren’t any classes going on, which brings me to problem #3:
  3. Who thought it’d be a good idea to fill the gym with mirrors? Wanna know what I don’t want to do? Work out in front of a mirror.
  4. We suffer from the “I don’t feel it, this isn’t working” complex, where you don’t feel it so you think it isn’t working. I’m sure anyone who’s slept with Bret knows what I mean, but lets focus on actual work outs for a moment. We jump the gun and either end up abandoning the 5 pound weights for something only Superman should handle, or we just keep doing crazy shit with the weights so that the next day, we want to chop off our extremities.
  5. When we’re sore, we don’t want to push ourselves at the next workout. We want to not move our arms.

We’ve taken to Googling articles and attempting to build some sort of smart work out plan that doesn’t consist of “move a lot” and “don’t bring chocolate to the gym.”

Speaking of chocolate, on Monday I realized that it’d been approximately 2 weeks since I had a chocolate bar. I thought of how awesome it would be to write about that in this here post. I thought about it a lot. I started to get twitch. No. Chocolate. Two. Weeks.

I’ll let you guys guess what happened next. It rhymes with Twitter Fort Mar. It’s okay though because I skipped dinner that day and instead had a double helping of guilt.

Not everything has changed, obviously, but like I said: I’m trying.
(Also, I’m not pregnant like Lily, so I win!)

Lily Says: Embarrassing yourself at the gym is priceless. I wish I could be there.

If your salad is dry, you should try getting Bret to cry in it. I'm sure the salty tears would add tons-o-flavor to the lettuce and what nots.

Lorraine Says: Apparently, my actual effort  have left the other blobs speechless. They don't even know what to say when someone isn't going on and on about failure. 

Maybe next week, blobs. Maybe next week. Or! Wait until tomorrow for Bret, who might even have another picture that'll break the internet. 

Dream a little dream.

Still Just Eating For One.

Lily: I've been sucking at the diet game again. For the past two weeks anything I eat has made me sick. And before anyone starts saying "you're pregnant!" ... I'm not so suck it.

 Yesterday, I know my puke can be attributed to my severe migraine. It was one ofthe worst ones i've had in a while. Why? Because a migraine has never made me puke hot pockets.

But I did lose 2 pounds. So maybe this isn't a bad thing?

Lorraine: Holy shit Lily. ARE YOU PREGNANT?

Bear: I thought that was obvious.

Lorraine: Can we all just decide that Bret is the father? I was gonna say that Bear and Bret would have to fight it out but I figured Wife wouldn't find it funny...

Lily: NOT PREGNANT. and really? Bret? As a baby daddy? No thanks. 

LorraineNo worries Lils, there are real advantages to being pregnant. You can now eat for two! Or, maybe you already eat for two so you can eat for four!

Friday, February 18, 2011

If ice cream can do that, we all need to buy stock in Ben & Jerrys

Witless Exposition says: Well, another week and another pound down.  It's been a pretty average week as far as actual effort goes: hit the gym a couple of times, ate relatively well, tried to make sure I was drinking plenty of water and tea (after a while, I literally cannot stomach any more water).  So really, nothing really happened this week to make it more interesting than watching paint dry.

I know, I know, I'm easily the most boring/lamest part of our little group, except maybe for Bret's "girlfriend."  On the other hand, I bet she has some truly horrific stories she could tell, if her mouth wasn't in a permanent O shape.

So, in the aim of finding something to actually talk about, here's some articles I've found that might be of use to us:

Imagining eating makes you eat less?
Apparently if you imagine eating M&M's one at a time, you'll be able to stop your craving.  Well, at least in the study they did.  I think Lorraine can tell us that imagining eating Zebra Cakes does nothing for her diet.

Woman overeats to experience orgasm
This woman gets off every time she eats ice cream.  She's overweight, but has a fulfilling job at a fetish site.  Sound like something Lily might like, huh?

Chinese man had knife blade stuck in his head for four years without knowing it, doctors say
Wow, that guy must have really pissed his wife off.  Hmmm, TBM hates doctors and is a heavy sleeper. 

Lily says: Don't get me wrong I love ice cream, but I don't think I can make myself orgasm from having something from 31 Flavors. That my friends is dedication. I think Bret can learn a thing or 31 for Ms. Ice Cream Orgasm Fetish woman. Maybe that way he can give the inflatable girlfriend a break. 

Another Lily Victim

Slightly Disappointing Says...

I don't know what it is about Lily, but I too have caught her evil disease and have been sick all week.  It become apparent that we all need even better protection around her.  Ultra herpes cannot be stopped by any normal means.

This means that I spent all week not moving, HOWEVER, I spent all week making the correct choices with every meal, which is HUGE (no pun intended) for me.  I weighed in at 273, so another pound down, and I am committed to buying a better scale.  As has been well documented, mine sucks.

On the exercise front here is how weak I was: I couldn't walk half a mile without sitting.  I was wheezing and coughing, was bad.  Usually I walk 2 miles.  Right now, I am too sick to move.

But I'm also too sick to eat.  Success!

Lily Says...

Uh, you must have caught your ultra herpes from your wrist, hand, air pump, or inflatable orgy partners. Because I had a sore throat for about 2 minutes.

All I here is BLAH BLAH BLAH. Man up, Bret! 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Chipotle, McDonalds, Cardio, Weddings and Cannibalism, Again.

Lily Says: So, the snow is melting already, and I could theoretically go out to the grocery store and buy HEALTHY food... but have I? Nope. I haven't gained weight, but I also haven't lost any. Which, again... I think is amazing considering how many times I've been to McDonalds and Chipotle lately. I guess what's helping is the semi daily cardio and Cardio. But, yeah... I need to start dropping the lb's. Bridezillas be wanting us to go see bridesmaid dresses. =\

Bear Says: Beware the wrath of Bridezilla. It's almost as bad as the wrath of Mothera.

Lily Says: Ugh... as long as I'm not in a dress that makes me look like a fucking cupcake, I'm good.

Bear Says: I can see where you'd be worried about looking like a cupcake...I mean what if Lor saw you? She might eat you. If she tries, please be sure to get some video we can sell on the blog.

Lor Says: 1a.) I don't understand how snow can keep you from the grocery store but NOT Chipotle's. 
b.) I love me some Chipotles.

2.) No one need to worry about me eating Lily. I haven't had a zebra cake in weeks! I'm fine! Totally normal! Not twitching at all. 

Besides, Lils is awesome, but she doesn't really have the right goods. Like... An actual cream filing. 

Lily Says: Just in case the rest missed it.. Lor said this: [posted above]
Ummm... Chipotle was more easily accessible than the grocery store. Chipotle is not in the hood, so their sidewalks were clean. Yes, in Chicago, if you live in the hood you best clean your own sidewalks... if not you get fined. womp womp.
But yes, I lack a creme filling. Which is sad. I've always wanted to be a twinkie or ho-ho or a Bavarian creme donut. Which by the way, you all try the Dunkin Donuts reverse Bavarian creme doughnut. And I'm not just saying it because Dunkin follows me on twitter... it is GOOD.

Lor Says: (Thanks Lily. Sorry I didn't reply all.... I owe you some chipotles, real talk.)

Lily Says: I don't even do it for the Chipotle. <3 

Bear Says: With all that Cardio, I'd assume you'd be slap full of filling by now...

Maybe you're not doing it right?

Lily Says: Ha! No comment. I hear children sometimes read blogs. 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Live Music as a form of Exercise

TBM Says: So as an alternative to the gym, we decided to go to a concert this week.  Honestly I'm pretty sure I got a better workout there then I would have from a week at the gym anyway.  As with most conveniences in life there are a few fall backs to this approach to exercise.

1.  The Wife looks like a victim of spousal abuse.  She's got this one bruise that looks like I grabbed her by the arm and visited some unspeakable/criminal act upon her while screaming "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"

2.  I can't hear shit.  That's right...while I'm effectively stone deaf on a normal day, the day after a concert you may as well be talking to a wall.

3.  I actually endured physical pain.  Yeah I know you get sore after a workout at the gym, but its just not the same as the ache you have after some short little bitch at a show has had her shoulder pressed into your kidney the entire fucking night.

And on top of all of this I pretty much ate like shit.  We had to drive all the way to Houston for the show and that means 1 thing...Fast food for breakfast, lunch and a little more for dinner.  On the bright side I must be some what successful in this whole dieting thing in that my stomach threw a revolt against its Double Quarter Pounder oppressor.  Instead of the Ethiopian diet I'm now on the patented Bret's Anal Purging Diet.

Its no fun.

Bret Says: It may be no fun, but it certainly works. Having things quickly and violently leave your anus must be your version of opposite day.  Also, I had no idea a Bieber concert could be so violent...

Tell the Wife I said to have a romantic and amorous Valentines day, and to text you when she is coming home.

TBM Says: Damn it Bret...I was going for the whole no Valentine's Day post.  Way to fuck things

Lily Says: Bret always fucks things up. That's nothing new. Plus I mean, his valentines day is spent with a blow up doll that can't read. 

Who did you see Bear? someone good?

Bret's anus diet just killed my appetite. Both for food and sex.  

Lorraine Says: Could anything be less romantic than booty dribble? I think not.
It doesn't bother me, though, because I'm the only single blob. So, I mean, if Bret is spending it inflating his doll, and Bear is spending it on the toiler, leaving Wife alone to nurse her spousal abuse bruises, and if Lily is now talked out of sex, this all makes me feel better.
Happy Valentine's Day indeed. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

We need to start a bail out fund

Witless Exposition says: I was actually really worried about my post this week. I know last week was a bit of a downer, and I really didn't want to repeat the pattern. But I'm happy to say that this week I've lost 2 pounds!

I would like to say that it was based on my strong willpower and sticking to my workout regimen, but really it was because of laziness. We didn't really have anything to eat in the house, and I didn't want to go to the grocery store, so I didn't eat.

My exercise this week was all practical exercise: cleaning the house because we had people coming over, standing in line for a concert for three hours, and holding 20+ people off from taking my spot on the bar (which worked for almost the whole thing).

And now for a brief non weight related rant: Why the fuck are kids such idiots? Really? My theory is no one loves them enough to show them the ropes, so they're assholes the whole time. Not exaggerating here, but the crowd threw a total of four beer bottles/cans at the headlining band. Really, who does that?

Ok, the rant's done.

Here's to hoping we're all still alive and doing well next week.

Lily says: Congrats on the minus two pounds.

Basically, your theory on kids is right. Fucking idiots

My Hero *flutter eyelashes* says: As you all know I am a very mild mannered Bear. I do not suffer from fits of rage like Lor and Bret, but the other night I was ready to defend my Wife by going to jail. I was seriously contemplating murder and the little motherfucker that was next to us is damn lucky that I didn't see the bruise on Wife's arm until long after the concert was over.

Truth be told I'm still feeling a little murderous, mostly because of the kid, but there are some other factors today as well. I be stabbing someone in the face 50 or so times would be a great form of cardio.

Bret says: I hear you can lift weights in prison.

Lorraine says: Yeah, there's a lot of sausage and cardio in prison too! Bear will fit right in.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Everybody hates Bret

The one that nobody likes says: OK, so I am telling you right now. I WILL NOT BE POSTING THIS. One of you will have to step up. I have caught a royally huge cold, probably from my small, germy cousins, and I will not be awake 5 minutes past the end of this sentence.

I will tell you this: I have lost 1 pound this week. That's amazing. This is my birthday week, and I lost a pound even though people were throwing cake at me left and right, and it would have been horribly RUDE for me to not eat it.

Still, whenever I wasn't being treated to a meal, I was eating healthy. And I even walked a little bit too, and softball season starts next week. Basically, I am pretty much at 175 right now. Eat it.

Lily says: Red velvet cake?

Lorraine says: NOT IT on posting it. I've caught a cold too (one that made me forget yesterday was my day to post...) I've been popping vitamin C pills likes ecstasy, and cradling a bottle of Nyquil like it was tequila. I'm not sure what this will do for my weight. We'll have to find out next week.

Also, anyone else thing people aren't throwing cake at Bret because they like him..?

Lily says: I'm not doing it either. I'm busy puking.

The Wife says: I guess that means I'm stuck with it, since we all know TBM barely posts on his own days. Plus posting it would be helping Bret, and I think we all know that TBM and Bret are quickly becoming mortal enemies.

Lorraine says: Bear gets laid and Bret does not. BEAR WINS.

TBM says: Bwahahahaha...yeah, I'm totally not posting it.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Things I learned during the Blizzard... Ethiopian Diet = Headache

Lily Says: So last week I was snowed in. Snowpocalypse took over the Windy City. I really thought I was going to die. But, I didn't. Sad. I know. 

Anyway, there was alot of cardio but not enough food. I learned that I shouldn't participate in the ethiopian diet. I got a horrible headache from eating just one hash brown from the Golden Arches all day. 

I need a new dieting technique. 

Lorraine Says:  But, wait, did it work?? Because if you lost weight, what's a little headache. Granted the Ethiopian diet won't be as effective for you once you're able to get out of the house...

Lily Says: Oh yeah. A pound of fat and 2 in water. Because I cried because we saw Juno and because the headache hurt. So it wasn't a fail at all. Just not as practical now that I can leave the house. 

Don't Break the Screen Bret Says: Seriously, you don't think Christy Henrich got a headache or two?  And you know THAT was worth it.

(Look it up people)

Lily Says: Doubt it. Well, maybe the crying. But definitely not the headache. God, Bret, why do you always think you're right??

Elephants on Parade

TBM Says: So last week I didn't write, because I was on an airplane.  Ah the wonders of government work.  How I love it.

I had big plans last week.  While I was traveling I planned to make use of the hotel gym and I was totally planning on eating salads when I had lunch.  As fate would have it neither of those things happened.  Most nights I was forced to work late and the nights that didn't happen I decided to go out and have beers with some of my co-workers that I never get to see.

While beer is tasty, it's not exactly the best thing for a diet.  And as it turns out, neither is pizza.  Both of which I consumed in mass quantities.  Mostly because they were both on sale when I went to eat.  I did a little better at lunch time.  Or at least I think it was anyway.  Sushi isn't so bad for us, right?

Anyway...its a new week and whether the Wife likes it or not we're going to the gym this week.  Every night.  Whether we're planning to go out that evening or not.  

I hope you're prepared dear...

Lily Says: Wait... you're going to do it in the gym?

Poor other gym heads.

TBM Says: Nothing like a little "cardio" at the gym. Am I right?

Lily Says: Bwahahahaha. That's not the kind of cardio you do at the gym! 

Inexperienced Sexually Says: Yes, as Lily will tell you, that's the sort of cardio you do in a men's room stall with a strange man and your younger sister.

Lily Says: The first two are so true. Younger sister, Bret? We don't roll like that. 

Inexperienced Sexually Says: So Bear, why don't you meet my picture challenge?  I'm sure the world would love to see your progress!

TBM Says: Because Bret, I've still got just a little bit of self respect.  A very little bit.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Someone Who Is Far Better Than Any Of Us...

Madame Shelly, you are an inspiration.  And rest assured that after your weight loss triumph everyone on this web site would do you.  Even (especially) the women.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Bret pulled a Donner party on everyone!

The word of today, children: projection.

I didn't do jack this week in regards to my blogging blobs journey, and I blame the weather and TBM.  You see, TBM went out of town this week for work, and we both know that when he goes, I eat like a five year old.  (I eat like a ten year old when he's here).

Not a whole lot, just what I do eat is generally junk.  So this week my diet consisted of: instant mashed potatoes, a few leftovers, and peanut butter sandwiches. Why the huge range?

That's the second part: the weather. Now, I know that the rest of the country has had it a lot worse than my part of south Texas, but you would have thought that the world ended this week.  We stayed in the low 20s for most of the week, and while Chicago and the rest of the north would think it was a brisk day, what did we do?  Institute rolling blackouts because the infrastructure couldn't handle everyone turning their heater all the way up to 80.  I didn't go to the grocery store, because I didn't want to get stuck in a huge warehouse with no lights (too many zombie movies). And I didn't bother going to the gym , because I didn't want to do a youtube worthy fall of the treadmill when it randomly stopped.

Why didn't I play the Wii?  Because I was holed up in our guest bedroom, because it was the only room in the house that could stay over 65.  Downstairs wasn't an option.

Today, we've even managed to accumulate an inch of snow and the whole city has shut down.  You see, we generally get about half an inch of snow annually, so now, all the major highways are shut down, they had to send for ice trucks from god knows where, and the news anchors are screaming "For the love of all that is holy, please stay home!  You can't stop on the roads!  Breaks are useless!  God has called down his judgment on us!" 

Or something like that.

So, I'm a fat ass, but in the true American way, I claim, it's not my fault.

(Ok, ok, I know it's my fault, but the poor, pitiful, me route isn't as funny). 

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Technology Cannot Handle Me

OK, let me try this again...

I wrote this last week, and accidentally only sent it to Lily, whom naturally did not respond.  I resent it later to everyone, but it was too late for me to post, so I asked Lor to do it with me.  She agreed.  Then she failed to ever post it.  Because she is a bitch.

So I will try this again, since I'd like to start a slide show of progress...and dare my fellow blobs to join in.  As a side note, next week is my 29th birthday and I think it'd be just swell if I weighed 100 pounds less when I turn 30.  That's the goal.  I think I can do it too, so long as i am motivated, confident, committed, have a good support group, also have this bad support group, and get a few parasites along the way.

Here we go...

Attached is a picture of me yesterday--at 275.  Still 10 down, but also 10 up from around Christmas.  It's depressing, and I'm hoping to do a weekly photo to watch the progress.  Like all good photos I wanted to look as sad as possible for the first one, because, well, that's how these things are done.

Here is the sad truth that you can't see.  That was after I ate Panda Express, and during me having some massive chest pains.  It is also in a shirt that should drape down over my pants relatively easily, and yet I'm not sure it can tuck in.  I miss that shirt fitting.  It did a few weeks ago.

So today I started the dedicated eating healthy and exercising thing again, after some of the most stressful work weeks I've ever experienced.  It feels like starting over, even though technically it isn't.  It feels awful.

Of course worst of all is that I am several pounds heavier than Bear.  Now, sure, a good 2 pounds can be attributed to my bigger penis, however I still have work to go.  Since he seems like he is enjoying plateauing along with his current workout plan, which seems to be sex once a week, I have no doubt that I will be back on top faster than his wife will be.  For now though, I lay down my Big Mac.  You sir have won.  So far.

Next week though?  Next week this shirt is going to fit a little bit better.

I don't remember you sending me anything. 
But anywho... stop eating Pandas. They're endangered and we need them for the future. 
Your picture doesn't show. Are you sure you didn't eat it? 

I assumed the pic was so huge it couldn't fit on my phone screen. Was waiting to try and open it on the tv.

I'm on my laptop. Hmmm.... Bret, stop breaking things. 

See, last week when Bret asked me to post for him, the picture did load and it did break something: my will to live. Bret's fat assness made me not post it. Obviously.

I believe that. I don't think my laptop screen is big enough to fit Bret. womp womp. 
How big is your screen, Lor?

Mac crashed. :( 

If I do this picture thing there will be significantly less clothing. All your computers will be healed.

Bret you look uber sad. Is someone keeping Panda from you?

O.K.  I'm going to give you all real pleasure and show you a picture of me my junior year of High School...

The One in Which Bret Is Still Getting Treated

Lorraine Says: Dearest readers and fellow bloggers,

What the fuck has happened?

This is putting it lightly. See, after our bestest (maybe one of the only) reader Chloe told me that her mom considers me her favorite blob, I was absolutely tickled pink. Eat that fatties. I'm funny.

But then I came back here to our blobby blog and checked out the dismal offerings of the past few weeks. First we blamed Thanksgiving. Then we blamed pooping out Thanksgiving. Then we blamed Christmas. Then we blamed throwing up Christmas liquor. Then we blamed the New Year and suddenly having lives and busy jobs and blow-up dolls to keep sexually pleased (BRET...).

We've been chock full of excuses. Maybe some of us haven't been trying, and what do you blog about on a dieting blog when you aren't dieting?

Maybe some of us have been kept away by guilt.

Maybe some our hands are busy with handfulls of suasage (BRET...)

Whatever the case may be, it's making me sad. There needs to be a really heavy foot being put down. We need to call the troops together.

In an attempt to do that I bring you "My Favoritest Things We Said, Back When We Were Trying And Writing Posts Consistently:"

"I mean really, while Lily was out getting drunk, Lor was debating the merits of Zebra cakes with Rox, and TBM and I were guzzling sausage: Bret was by himself having a heart attack. Guys, we came this close to actually knowing someone who died in their apartment and wasn't discovered until weeks later." - The Wife

"So let me get this straight:  We have had a diet blog for just over a week now, and the sum total of influence that we have had over one another is that Lily influenced you to melt 3 Musketeers bars over tortillas?" - Bret

"Now, I know nothing about his g-parents, but I do know the town they live in, which might as well be called "Retirement Town for the Infirm and Innocent Elderly Who Love Their Graindkids, Florida." Bret can't control his eating and he blames his grandparents who are feeding him out of the kindness of their hearts (because if I were as cheap as Bret claims they are, and I had a super-sized grandkid, I wouldn't even open the door.)" - Lorraine

"What he didn't tell you about was the two glasses of beer he had last night.  They probably equal a loaf of bread a piece.  He likes his beer dark and rich just like he likes his women...wait, yeah, doesn't quite work here." - The Wife

"Gosh Bear, I still can't figure out why you are fat.  It must be a hormone problem." - Bret

"Putting together that nifty little example you used about gaining weight, plus the fact that you love sausage plus the fact that you gained 16 pounds right at the start of this all, I'd venture to say that you know a thing or two about dropped Kit Kats and taking it from behind. (This would be a good place to insert the definition of "loose," as in, your asshole.)" - Lorraine

"Lor!  3 pounds is fudging awesome!!  I mean I can't fudging believe that you've lost that much fudging weight in a fudging week. I mean I'm super fudging impressed.  And fudge that fudger Bret.  He's just a fudging motherfudger.  Fudge him!! BROWNIE!!" - TBM

"My one pound may be lonely... but it's gone and pretty sure it has found it's way to Bret. " - Lily

"Sorry I went MIA yesterday guys.  My white guilt had me so horrified by Bret's racism that I couldn't take part (plus meeting, doctors visits, etc.)." - Wife

"'Seperate but equal' is what I call your multiple servings at dinner." - Lor

"In the words of all my ghetto friends... "DAMN BRET, YOU JUST GOT TREATED". - Lily

"Holy Shit...5 pounds?  Did you get a breast amputated?  Did you simply turn down 1 bottle of Vodka?  Hopefully not the first...  Who am I trying to kid?  Hopefully not the second either." - TBM

"Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions." - Lily

"I think everyone is in a deep dark pit of shame right now. Or hungover." - The Wife

In conclusion, we need to do better. In further conclusion, this week was a bad week for me.


Bret Says: If you were really going to put only the funniest quotes out there, it would have been like reading my blog.

Lorraine Says: And by "your blog" I think you mean a blog about you and not by you. Seriously, the funniest stuff was making fun of you. I mean, "poor Bret can only tickle?" Genius.

Bret Says:You're fat.

The Wife Says: Uh oh, sounds like someone's girlfriend deflated.


Lorraine Says: That LOL is exactly why it was hard to find TBM highlights.

TBM Says: I can't help that I'm simply not as witty and cruel as you other craven emotional voltures...

Bret Says: You're a big man to admit that Bear.  A big, fat, grotesque, impotent man.