"Weight," Are We Dieting?

Bret Says: O.K.  For the 2nd week in a row, I failed to blob.

I'm, sorry.  Really.  I haven't quit...per say, I knew these weeks would be next to impossible.

I'm part of a new system that is rolling out at work, and as such my normal 40 hour work weeks are climbing into the 60s.  Wednesday?  When I might have written it?  I worked 3AM to 4:30PM and then fell down and collapsed.  Thursday?  In at 6AM out at 930PM, more collapsing. I'm sorry.

I was actually given permission to come in whenever I wanted today, and part of me was scared of taking to great of an advantage of this, after all, what does that mean?  Would they be mad if I came in at 4PM?  Realistically I just may have slept in that long.

(I had a really hard time at 5:42 AM trying to decide if that sentence should be in past, present, or future modes. I am writing my worry last night, and at the present explaining that it could go into the future.  I'm sure the answer is simple, but I'm out of my head right now.)

Obviously I don't have to worry about that.  Obviously I'm awake right now for another insane day.  Obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park.

The question is how on Earth am I awake?

The answer is I awoke sick to my stomach from all of the "foods" we have been catered with during these long hours.

I promise you that yesterday's diet of chicken, meatballs, mashed potatoes, and Chipotle did not help.

Further more, I assure you that it was worse that, for the sake of much needed bursts of energy I spent the day inhaling many chocolate covered treats.

We also had something we called the "chee" diet, which consisted of Nacho Cheese Doritos, Cheetos, and Cheese Cake.

This is not to mention the "cream puffs," a glorious invention I was not aware of that is like eating a cup of pudding, only instead of having a cup of pudding in a plastic container, you have a cup of pudding in a sugar laden edible pastry ball.

And then there was the nerd rope.  I had never had a nerd rope before, but basically it's a whole bunch of nerds on some sort of sticky gummy rope that stretches about 15 feet across and takes 19 seconds to eat in its entirety.  It's nothing more than sugar congealed in various types of solid and semi solid form all glued (with sugar) to one another.  It's disgusting.  It also gives you a rush like you wouldn't believe.  I'm pretty certain it's a gateway drug to speed, which is something that I will be trying today, provided that it is catered.

Basically my stomach is killing me, so I might as well wake up and go to work right now, that is if I can find any pants to fit.

I don't have time to diet.  All of the diet experts say this is a horrible excuse and that anyone who says this has to reorganize their life, because they are living it wrong.  I don't have time to argue with them right now.

This will go away, and I promise I absolutely hate myself right now and I will be back on the diet train soon.

Current estimates place this around late January. 2016.

Please, blobbers, feel free to edit this with any mocking you would like to post.

Lorraine Says: If Wednesday's funny was thinking of Bret the pee-pee-less wonder, today, I giggled at the thought of Bret singing along to the Bed Intruder Song. I'm not sure if I should link that as it's like the number one video ever invented on Youtube ever. Oh, whatever. Fine:






Nerd ropes are insane. I think I spent all of my middle school career fueled off of nerd ropes, Twix bars and hormones so you can imagine that it was in fact a very interesting time. I try my best to forget it, much like I will try and forget the description of the "Chee diet." I have a stomach ache just reading about it.

The moral of the story, I think, is that Bret loses. At life. He doesn't actually have a life at this moment, though, so it's more of a technical loss. At this rate, even Lily can lose more weight than he can. I mean, even Wife can and I'm pretty sure we haven't heard from her in a week, which means she's dead.

She's dead ya'll, but decomposition is a pretty fast way to lose weight so she wins over Bret. Hey you. Reading this. Do you never combine Doritos with cheesecake? You win over Bret. Have you never had an inflatable significant other? You win. Do you have genitalia? You win.

Blogging Blobs, where we make you feel better, because at least you aren't Bret.

Hell is Never Losing Weight

Lorraine Says: I've lost my will to diet. I don't even know what else to say other than that. It's like I need a diet nap. I'm a bit exhausted, a bit disillusioned, and a lot in love with free holiday cookies at work. 'Tis the season.

I hopped on my stupid, defective, inconsistent and poorly made Scale of Random Numbers this morning (no, I still haven't bought a new one...) and it told me I was still squarely where I was last time I checked like two weeks ago. I'm not surprised. To make matters all worse, here comes Christmas.

Actually, this Christmas won't even be so bad. I think perhaps Santa gifted me with the best possible way to do the least amount of holiday dinner damage: Our family will be going to Orlando to spend the weekend there.

See, usually we celebrate on the 24th with a ginormous family dinner followed by waiting for midnight to open gifts. And by "waiting for midnight" I obviously mean "nibbling on every snack available in order to pass the time more quickly."

Christmas is bad.

But! Since we'll be out of town, Christmas dinner will be downgraded from ginormous to simply big. Also, snacking will be limited as no one wants to pack the amount of food we usually consume. See? It's a Christmas miracle.

Can you all just call me after the New Year too? I'm pretty sure that's what the Ethiopians do, anyways.

Little Tiny Bret Says: Even Ethiopians feast at Christmas.  The roast the bones of the famine dead loved ones that died the previous month.  For desert they have the almost dead.

The Wife Says: We're going to hell for this.  Well, maybe just Bret. The rest of us will get time in purgatory or something.

 Lorraine Says: I'm pretty sure we'll all be skinny in hell. Or maybe hell is never eating but still being fat.

Noooooooooo...!!

Dealing with my asshole

Witless says:
As I sat down today to try to figure out what to write, I took a look back at our posts this weeks.  I think we've all hit a major hurdle in our quest for healthier lifestyles.  This made me think about all the awful, terrible things I've done food wise this week and my relationship with food overall.  This morning I had an insight:

My relationship with food is exactly like my relationship with Asshole (my late high school, early college boyfriend)!

At the the beginning of the relationship everything was new and fresh, and when he screwed up, I just chalked it up to him being human. Then as he began to become more passive aggressive in our interactions I began to doubt where this relationship was going.  But not enough to break up, because most of the time he was nice (or so I told myself) and I thought I loved him.  By the end, I was being ignored and taken advantage of (and taken for granted), but I didn't leave even though I knew there were better things out there because it was habit and comfortable.  I knew what to expect from him, even if it was generally shitty behavior.  Then I had a wake up call and with the help of friends and a certain cute Bear, I had the guts to end it and move on.

It's not a unique story, I'm sure we have all had more or less the same experience, except maybe for Bret and his blow up doll.  Now for the food part:

I know all the things I'm supposed to be doing.  I haven't lived in a cave or in Amish country, so I know what's good for me: lots of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains; lean meats and sparingly used red meat; no sodas (even diet) or man-made created foods; at least 30-60 minutes of activity a day with a heavy focus on cardio.  That's the better out there waiting for me.

But I've lived for 27 years with my current status quo.  I know it's bad for me. I know it's taking years off my life and effecting my health.  But it's comfortable.  And for every time I get heartburn from crappy fast food, I have a few moments of bliss with a Blizzard or a piece of cake.

Making the kind of radical change I want and need to make is scary.  And it's not as simple as people want to make it out to be.  It's not just a case of will power or knowledge.  It's going against 27 years of what I know, into something brand new.  Which is scary and intimidating as hell.

Sorry to get so preachy, maudlin, whatever you want to call it.  So to lighten the mood:

Bret has a small penis. Lily is an alcoholic. Lorraine is lonely and has an imaginary best friend. Bear likes sausage.

Lorraine says:
I pretty much know what you mean. Even though there is knowledge in our heads, that has to constantly fight against experience. I mean, my dad used to take us every so often to eat chocolate frosted doughnuts before dropping us off at school. After dinner he'd always have a chocolate bar, which he'd kindly share with his three girls. My dad is a walking stick. Like a size 29. So glad he could pass on the habits and not the genes.

I probably giggled as I read through as I saw that you were going to discuss your relationship with assholes. Of course I went back and saw it was a particular Asshole, but whatever. I'll probably still think you and Bear bond over things like sausages and assholes. 

Lily says: 
You're preaching to the choir. It's so much easier to eat all the processed crap than to like make something healthy. I'd rather eat a pizza puff than to steam some veggies. Plus when I'm sad, it's easier to eat pizza and drink beer or vodka than to reach for, I don't know, trail mix. 

But on another note: I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Tricky Fish says: 
So to sum this all up, Bear is getting sloppy seconds?

Bear says: 
LALALALALALALALALALALAL I'M NOT LISTENING LALALALALALALALALALALA I hate you Bret.

Lily says:
Bret is an asshole sometimes. Meanie Bret. 

Lorraine says:
So what you're all saying is that Wife dated Bret the Asshole until she left him for Bear who likes sausages?!

*grabs popcorn*

Er... Non-fat popcorn? 

Lily says:
Kettle corn is low in the fat stuff, care for some, Lor? 

Lorraine says:
Aaaand there goes Lily offering me food. Now the post is complete. 

Lily says:
I love you all! 

The Great Water Myth

Lorraine Says: Aside from the occasional (and almost medicinal) cup of coffee, I've managed to phase every other drink out of my life. It's all me and water now.

"Oh, great Lorraine! Good job. How are you feeling? All thirst quenched?"

NO. Dammit.

This is the stupidest thing ever, because as I've increased my total water intake, I've gotten progressively thirstier. I'm that girl now, carrying around the super cute, super jumbo water bottle and taking sips out of it like if I were Lily and the water were tequila.

No matter how much water I drink (a lot) I always feel thirsty (not healthy) and cotton mouthy (ewww). And I swear, I didn't take that green little Chinese diet pill either.

I hate you, water.

That said, I lost another pound this week for a total weight loss of 4 pounds since we started. Look, I know 1-2 pounds a week is a pretty healthy weight loss rate, but it's also really fudgin' BORING.

Everything about diets is boring. I mean, I just spouted off about WATER as the most exciting thing in my entire diet week. I know some one is going to come out of the woodwork and say, "healthy food can be delicious!" and I'll say, "no. Chocolate is delicious."

And the truth of it all is that I don't really care that much about food. I want it to be two things really: easy and fast. (Dammit I can hear the whore jokes now. I beat you to it though, so consider shutting the hell up, son.)

Easy + fast + diet = bland.

That probably explains why I rebelled over the weekend. I gorged myself on sushi, I had IHOP, a vanilla Frosty, chocolate wine and I shared a box of zebra cakes. This is spread over Friday, Saturday, Sunday, so all things considered, this is still me behaving better than usual.

Sigh.

Did I mention the one pound?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Lily says: Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions.

Water is pretty boring. Drink some ginger ale... or Gatorade. Something to not make you feel like you just finished smoking pot.

Congrats on the one pound.


Bret Says: You think water doesn't work, however you spent your weekend as a human garbage dump for fat filled dairy drinks, 24 hour restaurant crap, alcohol that of course included chocolate, and at least a gallon of magical man juice (the last one was inferred).

Thus I think that you lost one pound from the water alone.  I'd congratulate you, but I'll save it for the results of your next STD panel.


Lor Says: And by "inferred" you definitely mean "I was having wet dreams about you again."

Dreams are just dreams, Bret. I'm STD and another pound free. I know that excites you in all kinds of ways, but no, I still won't sleep with you.