Sunday, September 4, 2011

Equaling a Hero

You thought I was dead didn't you?  You have noticed that Lily hasn't updated since her diet pills turned her into a man, and you have noticed that....the other one...whose name currently escapes me...the Spanish chick...well she has never gotten on here to tell you about the Couch to 5K like she said she would.  Well, she has a good reason for that.

She is a failure.  I guarantee you the closest she has come to accomplishing the Couch to 5K was when she met the goal of getting from her couch to the 5 layer chocolate cake in her fridge.

I had no idea what kind of failures I would be creating this blog with.  Who knew if you grabbed a bunch of random people from the Internet that they were bound to be losers?  Strange.

Anyway, here is why you haven't gotten an update from me since I passed the 250 threshold:  I was out of town when I crossed 245.

But I am back now, and I have made it to 240 (actually 238 as of this morning).  I am in the 94th percentile in weight and I am completely kicking butt in keeping this up.

There was some exciting news along the way.  I am now classified as Obese Class 1.

CLASS 1!  The lowest level of obesity!

Here is a description of what Class 1 means, as according to

BMI is between 30-34.99 (Obese Class 1)
Individuals with a BMI of 30-34.99 are in a physically unhealthy condition, which puts them at risk for serious ilnesses such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, gall bladder disease, and some cancers. This holds especially true if you have a larger than recommended Waist Size. These people would benefit greatly by modifying their lifestyle. Ideally, see your doctor and consider reducing your weight by 5-10 percent. Such a weight reduction will result in considerable health improvements.

Isn't that awesome?  It's extremely inspiring.  Basically, what that says is that I am going to live to 100.  Really. If you read the description for Class 2 it will tell you that you will probably die within the week.  Class 3, where I was when this Blog started, thinks you will perish before finishing the paragraph, and likely kill a small village as you topple over.  Thus, this is good news.

But I have even better news for you.  At 238, having passed the 239 point means that I weigh less than one of my heroes: Homer Simpson.  This really does mean a great deal for me since he has spent over 20 years enduring fat joke after fat joke, and all the while I chucked along. And I weighed more than him.

I'm thinking of looking up lots of celebrity weights to have a list of people I am passing, like your Jim Belushi's, Horatio Sanz's, and Ron Jeremy's penis's.  I'm unsure if all of those apostrophes were necessary.

Regardless, here is this weeks 240 photo, along with Homer so that you can get a real comparison.  And next time, because there will be a next time, I am going to talk about the Couch to 5K.  Because I ran it, and I succeeded.  

America 1
whatever impoverished 3rd world nation Lorrraine is from: 0

(extra r added for fatness)


  1. HOLY SHIT. You actually look skinnier in that picture! I mean, your face, not that 9 month old baby you are carrying around under your shirt.

    The wedding I wanted to be all skinny for? Was this past weekend. Pictures of my hotness should probably be posted so that you can STFU.

  2. I was trying to refer to the weight owned by the penis owned by Ron Jeremy. I was not implying multiple penises. Penis ownership is a tricky grammatical area.