Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The point where I should start dieting

In early 2006, almost 6 years ago, I was living with my friend Jimmy.  I had a scale I often didn't use that stayed in the kitchen most of the time.  It was stepped on occasionally.

This was the greatest scale of all time.

It had been broken for quite some time, and I knew this but didn't want to admit it.  The scale, no matter what you did, told you that you weighed less than the time before.

This was a great trick.  It's not like it made you 20 pounds lighter than whatever you were before, I mean you could gain weight in that scenario.  No, it simply kept telling you that you were losing.

This was awesome.  I could tell I was gaining weight, but my scale kept saying I was losing pound after pound. I was living the golden life of deniability.

Then one day it got absurd, and I began losing 10 to 15 pounds every 5 minutes.  It became a game to see how little we could weigh after eating another bite of Taco Bell.  I gave up on the scale, went to the store, and purchased a new pink one that proclaimed to give money to some women's breast cancer thingy, but was really purchased because it was the cheapest one there was.

I remember Jimmy weighed in at 227, and I weighed in at 235, and much to my dismay Jimmy actually lost weight after that by jumping up and down and parading around the room while doing some obese victory dance.

"Man, I need to lose weight.  I need to get serious, and it needs to start right now," I thought to myself.

5 years later I had gained 50 pounds.

Within a few months I lost 50 pounds.  I am now back to 235.

Which means I need to lose weight.  I need to get serious.  And I need to do it right now.

P.S. Yes I am aware I have yet to write about the couch to 5K, but that's cause I had an actual story to tell with 235.  Maybe at 230 I'll have nothing to say and can tell that story, which is still ongoing 3 days a week.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Equaling a Hero

You thought I was dead didn't you?  You have noticed that Lily hasn't updated since her diet pills turned her into a man, and you have noticed that....the other one...whose name currently escapes me...the Spanish chick...well she has never gotten on here to tell you about the Couch to 5K like she said she would.  Well, she has a good reason for that.

She is a failure.  I guarantee you the closest she has come to accomplishing the Couch to 5K was when she met the goal of getting from her couch to the 5 layer chocolate cake in her fridge.

I had no idea what kind of failures I would be creating this blog with.  Who knew if you grabbed a bunch of random people from the Internet that they were bound to be losers?  Strange.

Anyway, here is why you haven't gotten an update from me since I passed the 250 threshold:  I was out of town when I crossed 245.

But I am back now, and I have made it to 240 (actually 238 as of this morning).  I am in the 94th percentile in weight and I am completely kicking butt in keeping this up.

There was some exciting news along the way.  I am now classified as Obese Class 1.

CLASS 1!  The lowest level of obesity!

Here is a description of what Class 1 means, as according to

BMI is between 30-34.99 (Obese Class 1)
Individuals with a BMI of 30-34.99 are in a physically unhealthy condition, which puts them at risk for serious ilnesses such as heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, gall bladder disease, and some cancers. This holds especially true if you have a larger than recommended Waist Size. These people would benefit greatly by modifying their lifestyle. Ideally, see your doctor and consider reducing your weight by 5-10 percent. Such a weight reduction will result in considerable health improvements.

Isn't that awesome?  It's extremely inspiring.  Basically, what that says is that I am going to live to 100.  Really. If you read the description for Class 2 it will tell you that you will probably die within the week.  Class 3, where I was when this Blog started, thinks you will perish before finishing the paragraph, and likely kill a small village as you topple over.  Thus, this is good news.

But I have even better news for you.  At 238, having passed the 239 point means that I weigh less than one of my heroes: Homer Simpson.  This really does mean a great deal for me since he has spent over 20 years enduring fat joke after fat joke, and all the while I chucked along. And I weighed more than him.

I'm thinking of looking up lots of celebrity weights to have a list of people I am passing, like your Jim Belushi's, Horatio Sanz's, and Ron Jeremy's penis's.  I'm unsure if all of those apostrophes were necessary.

Regardless, here is this weeks 240 photo, along with Homer so that you can get a real comparison.  And next time, because there will be a next time, I am going to talk about the Couch to 5K.  Because I ran it, and I succeeded.  

America 1
whatever impoverished 3rd world nation Lorrraine is from: 0

(extra r added for fatness)

Monday, July 25, 2011

I'm not doing this for me; I'm doing it for the money

Slightly Disappointing says...


Let me tell you exactly what this means to me:


1st and foremost the company I work for doesn't want to pay medical expenses, and because they don't want to pay medical expenses they promote good health.  Part of that promotion is that if you obtain a healthy BMI you get $100 back from them.

I am about 3 kinder gardeners and a mature goat away from being a healthy BMI.

However, they have a deal for people like me.  If I lost 10% of my weight then I too would get $100.  When I weighed in last year I was 280, which means I had to get down to 252 within a year, which means, well, I'm $100 richer.  That's awesome.  Do you know how many Oreo cases one can buy with a $100?

Har. Har.

Here is the other thing, I remember living with my friend Stacey and stepping on her scale and weighing 252, which prompted a diet that if I could just lose a pound per week, I could get down to 200.  This was successful all of one week.  Point being that's the earliest I remember being above 250...and that was 5 years ago.  Let me tell you, when you weigh over 250 for that long...and eventually balloon up to 285, you never ever ever ever ever again think that you will weigh less than 250.  This is a pretty big victory for me.  I am the skinniest my girlfriend has ever seen me.

Oh, but I'll go on, every day I go to this site... which will tell you what weight % you are.  You would think the highest you can get would be >99%, however it appears as though the highest is >98%, and if you put in a gargantuan weight it doesn't even give you a statistics.  It tells you to check your inputs.  When a diet site thinks that you are too fat too actually exist, you've got some problems.

Not that it ever got like that for me.  I simply stayed at >98% no matter how much weight I've lost.  Basically if I stood in a room with 99 other 29 year old 5'10 males they couldn't guarantee that I would be the fattest person in there, but they could pretty much guarantee I'd be at least the 2nd fattest.  It's not such a great thing to think about when you start losing weigh and the site tells you Nope!  "Still the fattest!"

But now?  Oh but now.  Now I am at 98%  As in the site is pretty sure there would be TWO people in the room I could scoff at and wonder how they could ever let themselves go like that.  "You'll never catch me over 250!" I'll whisper behind their fat asses.  Besides this I think I could make fun of the people in the 1 or 2% range because, well, gross.  Really, that's all this comes down to.  Giving me the ability to judge others.

You though I was done?  I'm not.  I went to a Polynesian style dinner the other night and was encourages to wear a Hawaiian shirt.  "But I don't have one that fits" I said.  Ohh, silly me.  I hadn't worn the shirt in YEARS, however that night it fit exactly as I remember it fitting: slightly too small.  I love that shirt.  I'm going to wear it all of the time just like I did over 5 years ago.  My girlfriend hates Hawaiian shirts, but that's O.K.  as I continue to work and harden my body and get rid of the fat, well, that will just make it more likely that she will rip the shirt off of me whenever I see it.  In other words, JUST ANOTHER WAY TO WORK OUT.

O.K.  You demand a picture, I'm sure.  And I have one for you, though once again I'm certain I look exactly the same.

Here is my 275 pic and my 250 pic side by side...

Sigh....I different.  Anyway, I know it's different so screw all of you.  (clearly by all of you I mean Lorraine:)

O.K. On to some serious news.  We have been joking about Bear and Wife for some time now, but unfortunately after a little internet investigation, I've learned that there actually was a tragedy.  Several weeks ago there was a major car accident, in which neither was able to survive their injuries.  News like this hasn't hit the blogosphere, I mean how could it?  But I still think it would be a nice thing if maybe someone posted some sort of tribute in the comments of their blogs.  It might mean something to those family members who are left behind to see that their gifts did in fact touch the world.  OF course you can find the links right here on the main site.

O.K.  This sappy stuff isn't allowing me to lose any weight.  Back to progress.  See you soon.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Move Over Lorraine

I don't mean to be stepping on Lorraine's toes here by posting over her, however this is my time to write about my weight loss efforts.  Please look below this post for Lorraine's efforts from before.  Because of that, I'll keep it short and sweet.

Oh and you'll notice I've added my weight loss tracker to the sidebar.  When I started this blog I was 285, when I started myfitnesspal I was 271, so that's the reason the number is 14 pounds off.

I am at 255, and still pushing every day.

My clothes I usually wear for the photo op are dirty, so please accept this new wardrobe to show how hugely obese skinny I have become.

Do I look any skinnier?  Nah.  This is all demoralizing and pointless.  Off to Taco Bell.

Friday, July 15, 2011

The Socially Awkward Weight Loss Program

Lorraine: Apparently Lily and Bret aren't dead. This comes as a big surprise to me. I would've placed bets on the certainty of Lily drowning in a pool of vodka and Bret drowning in his own blubber. Alas, it is Bear and Wife who are most certainly dead.

No matter; we should start this post with good news. You last heard from me just over a month ago. I had ballooned back up to 148 and managed to get back down to 143. The good news is that I'm now at 139 pounds. I broke the 140 barrier.

All you other dead bloggers can eat it. And by "it," I mean whatever it is you eat that keeps you fat and gross.

I wish I had some concrete weight loss methods to share, but the truth is that my most recent success has more to do with my own timidity and social awkwardness. One component of shyness is that I hate eating in front of other people.  If I could bottle that and sell it to you guys, I totally would.

See, at my last job (Paper Folding USA) I mostly worked by myself in a corner cubicle that no one came into. When we started this blog, I discussed my third-grader eating habits- lots of refined sugar and artificial flavoring and working there didn't help my cause.

At PFA, sine I had little human interaction, I spent almost all of my lunches munching on zebra cakes or putting away trays of chocolate chip cookies, while I worked at my desk. Add to that cookies for breakfast and a skipped dinner, and you basically have my diet for the year and a half I was there.

Fast forward to my current situation, in which I am working a new (real) job that requires socialization. There is nowhere to hide my gross snacking habits. There is no way to avoid the lunch time human interaction. Everything changed and I was nearly forced into eating like a regular human being.

This probably sounds ridiculous. I know that it is.

Regardless, I did start to eat smaller portions. People made comments about how little I ate, what a small stomach I must have, and they wondered if I wasn't going to supersize or add a dessert. I answered no, no, no, more due to embarrassment than anything else. One month later, though, I've started to believe these things about myself: I can eat like a fully functioning adult, but I don't have to eat enough for 2 or 3 adults.

I guess that this was a valuable lesson to learn.

The skinniest I've ever been in my adult life was 138 and I am one pound away from it. It makes me absolutely giddy. Maybe if I jump around enough in (sexy) happiness I can shed that pound too.

My next goal is 135. I will be in Chicago in 35 days for the 20sb Summit and that is my deadline for this goal. Not at all because I want everyone to meet me when I'm unfluffy. (Yes.)

I'm not even sure this post made sense. For some reason, trying to convey that I've lost weight because I'm socializing was harder than I originally anticipated. No matter. The main point of the post was another four pound drop.

Coming up next time: My take on the couch to 5k program., which I've just started. I mean, if it doesn't kill me that is.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

And You Doubted Me

Slightly Disappointing Says…

I told you that I’d be back.

Of course, I didn’t expect it to be quite this soon.  Yeah, that’s right, I’ve successfully gotten myself to 260.  Actually, to be technical about it I am at 259.8.  I HATE putting periods after decimals.

How am I doing it?  Sex, Martinis, and Diet Pills.

No, I’m just kidding.  I’m not some idiot girl from Chicago hell-bent on dieting all the wrong ways, killing my body, and causing myself to end up either with brain cancer or months of nonstop eating where I gain 45 pounds.  No one would be that stupid.

I can’t tell you how much being in the 250’s actually means to me.  I will grant you that my scale measures down to 2/10’s of a pound, so I’m as high in the 250’s as I can possibly get without going over, but well…

I remember over 4 years ago weighing 252 and thinking that if I just lost a pound a week I could get myself down 200.  It didn’t turn out that way.

But it’s amazing for me to think that I am this close to eliminating over 4 years of weight gain.  I can get myself back to where I was when I was 25, maybe younger.  It’s amazing to me to think of how long I have been this fat.

Still I eat healthy every day.  I exercise in some form every day.  I am running couch to 5K, though I am pathetic at it, and I look forward to every single day.

From a diet standpoint that is.  I couldn’t be more depressed about pretty much every other aspect of my life.  I need this.

And I will tell all of you, especially Bear if his fat hasn’t overtaken his eyeballs and he can still read this, that I can’t remember the last time I actually felt this healthy.  You can feel the difference of having actual healthy things inside of you after about 2 days.  You can feel the difference of losing a few pounds almost instantly.  And I know that the combination means that I feel a lot better going down to 259.8 then I possibly could have going up to 259.8 while loading myself with fast food and more fast food.  Even if your weight loss is as daunting or more than mine, even if you are still 90 pounds from being a healthy weight, and even then just barely, even if you never make it, losing just a little bit of weight can make a big difference.  Your quality of life changes with a 5 or 10 pound weight loss.

I’m still a hugely fat morbidly obese sick-o that disgusts anyone that has to lay eyes on me, but I’m better than I was, and these words get me through every day:

Hey, I’m better than bear.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Guess who's back?

Lily Says...

So I guess now we just post whenever we want? With no need of commentary? Well then…

I’m a diet fail.

We knew this already though. After the cleanse, I started taking diet pills. That went well… for a while.

About the third week of taking them, I had gotten used to the smaller portions of food entering my body. What I wasn’t used to was the about of pills I was now taking. I take those vitamins packet things you can get at GNC. They have all the vitamins and minerals and extras you need to be healthy. By this time, I was taking 6 diet pills a day, plus about 5 pills from the little packet and a chewable calcium pill.

I was still working at the store when I had the scariest experience with diet pills ever. Like even more scarier than the thought that you can shit your pants while on some (if I weren’t so lazy, I would link an article to prove this.. but you’re already on the internet so Google it, okay?).

I got to work, had taken my pills 20 minutes earlier, and went to go buy a Subway breakfast sammy. My boss let me sit in the back and eat my breakfast. I took my time eating, and felt super fine. I was staying hydrated, and what nots, and for some reason, once we opened the gate, I started feeling super dizzy. This had never happened before. I’ve taken diet pills in the past, one of different brand, and one of the same brand I was currently taking. I sat in the back room for the rest of my shift. Hey, at least I got paid.

I stopped taking the pills that day. So if anyone wants a half bottle of diet pills, hit me up.

Along with not taking the pills, I threw out my healthy eating mode. I also gained about 5 pounds. But at least it went to my butt and boobs, and about 1.5 of those pounds joined my mid-section.

Also, in the time we have spent apart, dear Blogging Blobs readers, I learned that I will no longer be a bridesmaid (which was the reason I had begun dieting). Depite this, I will continue to strive to be fitter, because really being tubby isn’t what I want to be. The tubby I do want to be is pregnant, and you don’t get that kind of tubby from eating (you get that kind of tubby through Cardio!).

I’ll keep you updated on my progess (of getting un-tubby).