The One in Which Bret Is Still Getting Treated

Lorraine Says: Dearest readers and fellow bloggers,

What the fuck has happened?

This is putting it lightly. See, after our bestest (maybe one of the only) reader Chloe told me that her mom considers me her favorite blob, I was absolutely tickled pink. Eat that fatties. I'm funny.

But then I came back here to our blobby blog and checked out the dismal offerings of the past few weeks. First we blamed Thanksgiving. Then we blamed pooping out Thanksgiving. Then we blamed Christmas. Then we blamed throwing up Christmas liquor. Then we blamed the New Year and suddenly having lives and busy jobs and blow-up dolls to keep sexually pleased (BRET...).

We've been chock full of excuses. Maybe some of us haven't been trying, and what do you blog about on a dieting blog when you aren't dieting?

Maybe some of us have been kept away by guilt.

Maybe some our hands are busy with handfulls of suasage (BRET...)

Whatever the case may be, it's making me sad. There needs to be a really heavy foot being put down. We need to call the troops together.

In an attempt to do that I bring you "My Favoritest Things We Said, Back When We Were Trying And Writing Posts Consistently:"

"I mean really, while Lily was out getting drunk, Lor was debating the merits of Zebra cakes with Rox, and TBM and I were guzzling sausage: Bret was by himself having a heart attack. Guys, we came this close to actually knowing someone who died in their apartment and wasn't discovered until weeks later." - The Wife

"So let me get this straight:  We have had a diet blog for just over a week now, and the sum total of influence that we have had over one another is that Lily influenced you to melt 3 Musketeers bars over tortillas?" - Bret

"Now, I know nothing about his g-parents, but I do know the town they live in, which might as well be called "Retirement Town for the Infirm and Innocent Elderly Who Love Their Graindkids, Florida." Bret can't control his eating and he blames his grandparents who are feeding him out of the kindness of their hearts (because if I were as cheap as Bret claims they are, and I had a super-sized grandkid, I wouldn't even open the door.)" - Lorraine

"What he didn't tell you about was the two glasses of beer he had last night.  They probably equal a loaf of bread a piece.  He likes his beer dark and rich just like he likes his women...wait, yeah, doesn't quite work here." - The Wife

"Gosh Bear, I still can't figure out why you are fat.  It must be a hormone problem." - Bret

"Putting together that nifty little example you used about gaining weight, plus the fact that you love sausage plus the fact that you gained 16 pounds right at the start of this all, I'd venture to say that you know a thing or two about dropped Kit Kats and taking it from behind. (This would be a good place to insert the definition of "loose," as in, your asshole.)" - Lorraine

"Lor!  3 pounds is fudging awesome!!  I mean I can't fudging believe that you've lost that much fudging weight in a fudging week. I mean I'm super fudging impressed.  And fudge that fudger Bret.  He's just a fudging motherfudger.  Fudge him!! BROWNIE!!" - TBM

"My one pound may be lonely... but it's gone and pretty sure it has found it's way to Bret. " - Lily

"Sorry I went MIA yesterday guys.  My white guilt had me so horrified by Bret's racism that I couldn't take part (plus meeting, doctors visits, etc.)." - Wife

"'Seperate but equal' is what I call your multiple servings at dinner." - Lor

"In the words of all my ghetto friends... "DAMN BRET, YOU JUST GOT TREATED". - Lily

"Holy Shit...5 pounds?  Did you get a breast amputated?  Did you simply turn down 1 bottle of Vodka?  Hopefully not the first...  Who am I trying to kid?  Hopefully not the second either." - TBM

"Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions." - Lily


"I think everyone is in a deep dark pit of shame right now. Or hungover." - The Wife

In conclusion, we need to do better. In further conclusion, this week was a bad week for me.

Ahem.


Bret Says: If you were really going to put only the funniest quotes out there, it would have been like reading my blog.

Lorraine Says: And by "your blog" I think you mean a blog about you and not by you. Seriously, the funniest stuff was making fun of you. I mean, "poor Bret can only tickle?" Genius.

Bret Says:You're fat.

The Wife Says: Uh oh, sounds like someone's girlfriend deflated.

TBM Says: LOL

Lorraine Says: That LOL is exactly why it was hard to find TBM highlights.

TBM Says: I can't help that I'm simply not as witty and cruel as you other craven emotional voltures...

Bret Says: You're a big man to admit that Bear.  A big, fat, grotesque, impotent man.