The Cake is a Lie

TBM says: Well...I actually managed to have a pretty good week, at least on the eating front.  I still haven't joined a gym yet, but I did go for a jog yesterday morning and I plan to go on another one today.  I think tomorrow the Wife and I will be going over to Planet Fitness so that we can remove the bad weather excuse from our dependable list of reasons to not go workout.

I did manage to get some extra exercise this weekend though.  The Wife decided that Saturday we'd do all those things that she's wanted to do since we moved out here.  So we went antiquing, to a Japanese Tea Garden, and then shopping at the mall.  All of which included a great deal of walking.  On Sunday, we did some more walking at the Lackland Air Show.  Which was actually really really cool.  Got to go in some of the bigger plans and we got to see a lot of awesome aerial acrobatics.  (I love alliteration.)

I think our only issue the whole weekend was Joseph's Bakery.  Apparently, they're the best bakery in town and now that we've tried their chocolate cake I fully understand why. It was this super dense, moist, awesome cake and instead of frosting there was a thin layer of chocolate fudge with pecans on top.  It was fucking amazing.  It was so rich we almost couldn't finish it.  But we pulled through.  I'm pretty sure it still wasn't as many calories as, say a whole box of Zebra Cakes.  Or 2 pieces of lasagna.

But now that I think about it the cake wasn't my only issue of the week...I also came up with a cheesesteak quesadilla that was super greasy and awful for me.  Mmmm...grease...

Lorraine says:  You guys, I'm gonna be really fudgin' honest right now: I love this blog, I tolerate all of you guys, losing weight is awesome, but I'm not sure I can do this.

Is this really what I'm in for?! I log onto my mail Monday morning to find a description of the most moist, dense, awesome CHOCOLATE cake ever invented? When I haven't even had breakfast yet and obviously amazing cake would be so fitting right now?

Eff you TBM, and your "pretty good week." It wasn't pretty good. It was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad and not even a sausage in sight for all your troubles.

Lily says: There, there, Lor. Here's a Zebra Cake.

TBM, why didn't we get cake?

Witless Exposition says: What he didn't tell you about was the two glasses of beer he had last night.  They probably equal a loaf of bread a piece.  He likes his beer dark and rich just like he likes his women...wait, yeah, doesn't quite work here.

Bret says:  Just a little math for everyone to follow along with: "super dense, moist, awesome cake and instead of frosting there was a thin layer of chocolate fudge with pecans on top" + "super greasy cheesesteak quesadilla" + "two dark and rich beers" + "Whatever he has just forgotten about due to a grease coma" = "pretty good week."

Gosh Bear, I still can't figure out why you are fat.  It must be a hormone problem.

I also like that your idea of exercise is shopping, or looking at a garden, or really moving in any way.  This includes going to an air show because, I dunno, you had to occasionally crane your head up to look at some planes?  Was it really that strenuous to take your eyes off of the corn dog cart?

That's all I have right now.  Frankly after I read that Lor said "moist" I lost all control of my motor functions.

TBM says: In my defense the garden is in a damn quarry...so there was lots of stair climbing and such to go along with the walking in general.  I think we spent like an hour wondering around the thing.

Lorraine says: Does losing control of your motor functions hinder your dieting ability? Because I will moist all over your screen if it means that I win.

I'm not sure when this even turned into a competition but I am oh-so fond of saying that I win.

I love blaming hormones on being fat. Also, other favorites include "slow metabolism" and "big boned." So, how about it Bear? Are you big boned?

TBM says: Ask the Wife about the bone situation :P

Bret says: The Wife has informed me that Bear is in fact not big boned.  Not big boned at all.  If he were, maybe they'd both weigh a little less.

And if anything losing control of my motor functions helps me diet.  It's like an enema.  Sort of like any picture of Lily.

Lorraine says: Okay, fuck, I take it back. Can we stop talking about Bear's bones now? Because:

1.) I wasn't talking about THAT. Gross
b.) Bear is the sausage expert, so if I had any questions on meat (which I won't) (ever) I'd ask him (not that I ever, ever will.) (Hear that Wife? RESPECT.)
and cat.) Ewwwwww.

Bret, I'm really disappointed that I wasted so much moisture if this doesn't even help my cause at all.

And stop with the Lily thing. We all know that the image of her in that booze-stained white polo is exactly what your wet dreams are made of.

Not that that really eliminates the poo aspect. Sex-poo IS the new diet craze.

Witless Exposition says: Yeah, we probably should ease up on using words like bone and moist around Bret.  He might get too excited and...well I just think it'd be pretty embarrassing to have the EMTs find him like that.

Although that would take out some of the competition. Hmmmm.....

Moist, moist, moist, bone, moist moist.

TBM says: I wasn't going to mention the sexercise, but certainly it warrants some mention as it burns a shit load of calories.  Plus...maybe Bret will have a little stroke thinking about it.

Bret says: I'm still trying to figure out what way you meant by "little stroke" though either might be accurate.