People Who Don't Like Mushrooms Are Idiots

Bret Says:


274, two more pounds gone, and in a week like this, that's a very good thing.

MY dad was in town and my dad, taking his thyroid medicine so that he had good metabolism, still weighs in the vicinity of 250 pounds.  This is because he eats like a horse.  A horse with a serious eating disorder wherein the horse eats everything.

Thus we went to several nice restaurants where I struggled not to overeat myself as much as I could, an occasionally failed.  This one place had these Portobello Mushroom fries that--oh my god.  They are huge pieces of Portobello, breaded and fried, and served with mushroom sauce.  I knew I didn't stand a chance and told my dad he had to order two servings as an appetizer.  Then I went at them like a vacuum cleaner.  Frankly, it was fabulous.

Then there was yesterday.  I had to go to several meetings with my boss, so we were on the road a lot and had to stop for fast food for lunch.  I requested Chick-Fil-A because as far as drive-thrus go, it is by far the healthiest.  I ordered just a sandwich in an attempt to be a good guy, however when I opened my bag I saw a package of fries in there.  I think they just figured that they misheard me.  A person my size logically must have fries.  Well, I'll tell you something, I don't even like their french fries.  But I'm also not one to let free food to go to waste.  I went to town on those babies.

I also had a small piece of dark chocolate yesterday, but it was on purpose, it's good for stress relief.  I feel a bit of guilt, but I'm not sure if I should.

ANYWAY, I am walking a half an hour every day on my lunch whenever I am at the office, and since it is the playoffs I am playing softball a few days a week.  I was catcher last night (don't get any ideas Bear) and I had to squat for 2 hours.  THAT is exercise.  I haven't been able to move since then, and let me assure you I play HARD.  It's ridiculous how much I'm willing to kill myself for an amateur softball game.  It really just shows how little I have to live for in life.

Lor says:

Aren't those horse eating disorders genetic?

 

Thankfully, your account of STILL OVEREATING wasn't very tempting to me this week. Mushrooms = fungus = ew.

 

I feel like we learn so much about each other in these posts. You not having much to live for just heads right back to the being fat thing. What do you do when you have no friends and make up a girlfriend and enjoy being the catcher and have lonely heart attacks?

 

YOU EAT. You reach for another serving because the food? The food will never leave you lonely.

 

There, there Bret. You Hoover all the fungus you want. I understand. 

Bear Says:

Oh Bret...I've already been having those ideas you naught boy.  Lets not forget my fascination with sausage and the consumption of sausage.

But really...first you blame your fat ass on your grand parents and now your father?  At least that seems a little more reasonable.

From what you're telling us, it seems that he's the man that taught you everything you need to know to attain the title of Fattest Ass in the World.  Poor you...no metabolism.

But look on the bright side...at least you're not addicted to Zebra Cakes and/or Vodka.  That should make this whole diet thing much easier for you.

Bret Says:

No Lor, I don't consider myself an emotional eater.  I like to think that I can find any excuse to eat tons of food, no real reasons required.

And my life did have worth until I started talking to you.  Our conversations have left me a hollow and vapid human being as I struggle through constant boredom and attempt to not completely "loose" my mind.

And Bear, while a month ago I would have said that I would never let you "pitch" to me, now that I'm on a diet and doing things I would normally never do, like take the stairs, I am starting to wonder just how many calories I might burn if we played a little "preacher and choir boy."

That's right, I'm in this for real.  If I have to go on the anal ripping diet, so be it.