Bah! Broken Scales Suck

Lily Says: So, this past week I partook in a little Ethiopian diet, no sleep, super stress, and only eating goldfish and water.

I stepped on the scale, and I only lost one pound. WTF?! Am I using Bret's scale? I think so. I don't even know how it's possible to have only lost so little considering my intake was close to nothing.

Dieting is harder than I thought when you're not being aided. I went to GNC and thought about buying diet pills. But I remember taking those guys in high school and feeling like I was going to have a heart attack, I decided not to get them and just buy some meal replacements since I can't always be near a place where I can buy or make food, so a bottle of water + meal replacement = actual substance in my tummy.

Let's at least go for two pounds shed next week.


Lorraine Says: One pound coming from the girl who was having sex for 24 hours?! I think you're doing it wrong. Maybe not enough Poo?

Also, I thought about using some sort of aid. I mean, I come from a Dominican background and we've got a remedy/plant/tea/aunt with pills FOR EVERYTHING.

I mentioned to my cousin that I was trying to loose weight and she fished out a little green "Chinese pill" from her purse that she told me to try out and see if I wanted more, wink, wink.

That green pill is still on my dresser looking at me. I'm afraid guys. I'm very afraid.

Also, when I read that you were eating goldfish, I immediately assumed you meant like little alive, swimmy, goldfish. Which is actually better than if you mean those cheesy montronsities known as Goldfish. I FUDGIN' HATE THOSE.

Goldfish are the food of hell. 

Lily Says: I think I lost more, but I gained it back because we had super Mexican food on Sunday which really translate to, I ate alot of rice. 

But, this week = 48 hours of sex....

Bret Says: I think Lily only lost a pound because for at least 24 hours she was shoving everything she could inside of her.  I'm just not talking about her mouth...

and Lor, I'm sorry I have to do this, but by God did you ignite a pet peeve of mine.

It's LOSE not LOOSE.  LOSE.  LOSE.  One O.  LOSE.

Lose is when you no longer have something you previously had, or when you don't finish in first in a competition.

Loose is what you are on Saturday nights.

Lily Says: Bret, we're Hispanic... sometimes when we say words, they sound like other things... But remember that one time that I edited your blog post? That was fun.

Also, please take back your scale. I'm sure I lost more than one pound. Your stupid scale is broken and is proving so. 

Lorraine Says: SERIOUSLY?!

Is that what we're doing now, is nitpicking spelling and grammar? Because I'm pretty sure if I just go back...

This is something you sent us yesterday:

"I'm still trying to figure out it what way you meant "little stroke" though either might be accurate."

SHUT THE FUCK UP ASSHAT. If you need help figuring out how to, stuff a sausage down your throat and hold.

And that's funny, I saw you on a Saturday and turned down your sexual advances, so I must not be that loose. 

Bret Says: My God, look at you little vultures.

I could have pointed out millions of things, but didn't because we all make mistakes, however I cannot stand "loose" for lose.  It must be stopped.

Of course this is a silly conversation, the only word the two of you will need to know is the word "gain."

As in, "When my uncle threw the Kit-Kat bar on the ground I bent over to eat it and it caused me to gain two pounds.  Also, since he took me from behind I am now carrying his incestual fetus.  Does anyone know a Hispanic abortionist, or should I just ask some of the drug cartels to shoot me in the stomach?  Hey!  Maybe that's the one way I could actually lose weight!  Oh excuse me, my silly uncle just dropped a nutter butter."

Now you try.

Lorraine Says:  Nobody cares what you can't stand.

What must be stopped are your lonely heart attacks, the lie you keep spreading about having a girlfriend, your frequent visits to just outside of Lily's window, and that second helping of everything.

Get back to me on my typo when all these things are accomplished.

And putting together that nifty little example you used about gaining weight, plus the fact that you love sausage plus the fact that you gained 16 pounds right at the start of this all, I'd venture to say that you know a thing or two about dropped Kit Kats and taking it from behind.

(This would be a good place to insert the definition of "loose," as in, your asshole.)

Bret Says: Whore.

Lily Says: So, sorry I posted this shit so late. My intention was to post this at school... but that fucking shit is always down. And for the two minutes the network actually works, it loads facebook and then it says you're not connected. 

PS. Where are Mr & Mrs TBM?!