How to become a Weeble

Witless Exposition says: So compared to everyone else’s week I feel like a let down for the last post of the week.  I mean I wasn’t deep throating sausages, in a drunken stupor, sucking down zebra cakes, or having heart attacks in the privacy of my own, lonely hovel.

No, instead I just lived my normal, horribly unhealthy lifestyle that has led me to look something like this:

I even went the extra step this week  to keep a food diary.  I was hoping my own private humiliation would help prepare me for today’s post.  Here’s the rough breakdown.

Healthy breakfasts: 5--hell yeah! Healthy cereal, coffee, and a handful of vitamins to get me through the day.

Healthy lunches: hum, yeah, 1-a salad

Thrown together lunches made from whatever I could cobble together: 4, including a wrap made with laughing cow cheese, random vegetables from the veg drawer that hadn’t grown any fuzz yet, and some old lunch meat.  I’m pretty sure it hadn’t expired.

Healthy dinners: 5--I did pretty good.  Since this was the only meal TBM and I eat together, I think we were both watching each other suspiciously enough to eat relatively well.

Tootsie Rolls: 10--that’s not too bad, right?  I mean that was over a whole week!

Three Musketeers: um, I don’t think I’d like to talk about this one.

You see, halfway through the week I had an awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea.

It involved melted three musketeers spread over a tortilla. (Thanks again, Lily).  So, TBM, if you’ve been wondering why we’ve gone through tortillas so quickly this week, now you know.

Exercise, you ask? Oh wait, you didn’t ask, because you know better, don’t you?

Yeah, no exercise this week, instead I sat at my desk all week desperately trying to crank out words for my NaNo novel.  Which is usually pretty bad for your health all the way around.  You see there are two types of writers.  Ones that look like this:

Because food is for phonies (Let’s see how many get that one) as is human contact. So they die sad and alone.

Or ones that look like this:

Because they just can’t say no to that next drink or extravagant meal. Doesn’t sound bad, right? Nope, they’re the ones that end up drinking (or shooting) themselves to death.

Being a writer’s so cheerful.  So let’s see if I can be a little more like JD and less like ol’ Hemi next week.  

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Bret says: So let me get this straight:  We have had a diet blog for just over a week now, and the sum total of influence that we have had over one another is that Lily influenced you to melt 3 Musketeers bars over tortillas?

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

It is apparent that this blog is going to be wildly successful at changing all of us--and the world with our new wonderful eating habits.  It should also do wonders for M and M Mars' stock.

Witless Exposition says: I think the competition has gotten a bit smaller.  Lily has obviously died in a gutter somewhere.

Lily says: Uh... NOT DEAD. I was working on my cardio. wink wink hint hint

Yeah.

Lorraine says: LILY WAS HAVING SEX. 

I feel like sex should be a key ingredient for all in this diet. Except for Bret who shouldn't be allowed to have sex until he's down to one serving of lasagna. Ew, nevermind. Bret should never be allowed to have sex, ever. 

Lily says: Yay! Lor wins a prize! Unfortunately for her, it's a lifetime supply of Zebra Cakes.

Witless... I have like 3 packs of tortillas that won't get eaten. Should I mail them your way? I feel bed because I mean... that's what I would have eaten throughout this week. And I don't want to throw them away. That's 75 cents down the drain. :( 

Witless Exposition says: I vote we give them to Bret.  I have a Mexican lasagna recipe that should take care of the nine pounds of poo he lost.

Lorraine says: Going into the weekend, can we all just resolve TO STOP TALKING ABOUT POO? I may have started it by merely pointing out TBM's painful shits diet, but if there's something I like even less then the thought of you all sexing, it's you all pooping. 

Lily says: HAhahahaha, Oh Lorraine! But yeah, let's limit the poo talk. It's not hot. Kthanx.

TBM says: At least we're not pooing and sexing at the same time. Although I bet that would be pretty good for weight loss.

Bret says: If this is a diet blog, and I can't talk about poo, then I might as well quit.  Because that is my main strategy for losing weight.

Also, if Lily was having sex, that must mean she finally finished that bottle of tequila and wanted to put it to other uses.

Lily says: If I were to cheat on my bf.... I would cheat with a bottle of VODKA... or GIN. Duh... "is it too early for a martini" is the name of my blog... not "is it too early for a margarita".

Bret says: Well considering you were apparently having sex for 24 hours before you could make time to respond, I would quit this "is it too early" stuff and start worrying about being late...

Lily says: Yeah, two hours short of a marathon. Look, don't hate cuz I be getting some and you're giving more action to your toilet. And, I'm sending you 3 packs of tortillas, and maybe a loaf of bread.