Home Is Where The Food Is

Lorraine Says: In some ways, I think that quitting food is quite like quitting smoking.

Not that I would really know, seeing as how I've never been a smoker, but I have heard it said that half the battle is overcoming the habit. WORD.

To explain better, there's a little bit that you should know about me. If Bret's racism wasn't a big enough clue, I'm brown. More specifically both of my parents are Dominican. My mother is one of 17 total children (that includes half brothers and sisters) and my father is one of 22 (and that includes your mom. Seriously. That family tree is so fucked, I wouldn't doubt it.)

Essentially: big Dominican family. That said, my mother raised me on two rules about food:

1.) Never, ever, ever ask for food at other people's houses. It doesn't matter if you are starving. It doesn't matter if this food is for children in Africa. It doesn't matter if it is a stranger or your aunt, don't fudgin' do it.

2.) If food is offered to you, politely decline once. If they insist, eat it. It doesn't matter if you aren't hungry. It doesn't matter if you don't like it. It doesn't matter if you are allergic to it. Suck it up, and eat it.

To say that food is a big part of our family dealings would be an understatement. We do everything to food. We celebrate everything with food. For every person that steps across the threshold of our house, another pot of coffee is made.

I thought about this on Sunday night as I laughed with my cousins about our other cousin who has become rather unfortunate looking since becoming pregnant. I laughed and laughed into my giant cup of coffee. Mid-sip, I thought, FUDGE, I'm supposed to be quitting coffee.

It hadn't even registered up until that point. It was habit: people are here, pour me some coffee. You offered me a slice of something? Eat it. Bored at work? Reach for the chocolate. These are the things I've been fighting against.

And it isn't easy at all.

Despite that, however, I've did good-ish! Not Bear-Grease-Coma-good (as is evidenced by my presence on this blog. Seriously. Where the hell are Bear and Mrs. Bear?) but actually good. 

Failures:
-Two cups of coffee. A frozen thingy with Rox before we went shopping Saturday and the gossip coffee on Sunday night.
- I had chocolate 4 days out of this past week instead of 3 days. Which is still pretty amazing if you ask me.

Success:
- I lost three pounds.

Yes, BRET. That is lost as in lose, as in you can suck a fat one because I still hate you for nitpicking on that. Stupid head.

Lily, your one pound looks all lonely. Might want to step up your game. Or, you know, drink your sorrows away.

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Bret Says: Quitting food is harder than quitting smoking.  You HAVE to eat to survive.  Going Cold Turkey makes you look like a holocaust survivor.  Thus with eating, multiple times a day you have to make a smart decision, and that's hard.

And let's not even get into the fact that you have to exercise to do this right.

Smokers are pussies.  They have two choices.  Yes or No.  Yes is always wrong, and No is always right.

That's right, 2 choices.  Whereas for we fat people, Ben and Jerry's has well over 32,000 flavors, of which at least 17 include tobacco, so really it's like we have to quit smoking as well.

And while I am honestly proud of you and your 3 pounds loosed, I must say that in reality you don't stand a chance.  From your own words:

"Mid-sip, I thought, FUDGE, I'm supposed to be quitting coffee."

Yup, even when you are profane it involves chocolate.  Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe it's a crude allusion to gay sex.  For your diet's sake, let's hope that's it.


Bear Says: Sorry all...I've had a really busy week here at the office.  I'm currently stuck between 2 teams on my project and trying to meet the standards for both is proving to be time consuming.

Lor!  3 pounds is fudging awesome!!  I mean I can't fudging believe that you've lost that much fudging weight in a fudging week.

I mean I'm super fudging impressed.  And fudge that fudger Bret.  He's just a fudging motherfudger.  Fudge him!!

BROWNIE!!


Lor Says: It's okay Bear. We know that you often play for two teams and that you are consumed by trying to please them both. See what I did there?

Bret, remember when I said "moist" and it made you all happy in the pants, or something? That's what Ben and Jerry's just did for me. I'll skip the tobacco flavors though, because imagine having to quit smoking AND food. It would never happen. Well, just look at Lily; she's trying to quit drinking and eating and well... "her scale is broken."

I didn't loose pounds. I don't know why, but I always relate pounds to you Bret. And to loose your pounds... EW. Dammit why do these things always revert back to terrible mental images.


Lily Says: I feel that this is going to be Bret going on a racist rant again.... feel free to use that tag, Lor.

Yes. Congrats on the 3 lbs. My one pound may be lonely... but it's gone and pretty sure it has found it's way to Bret.


The Wife Says: Sorry I went MIA yesterday guys.  My white guilt had me so horrified by Bret's racism that I couldn't take part (plus meeting, doctors visits, etc.).

Lor, I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not as pasty white as I thought I was.  Maybe there's some brown blood in my family somewhere, because I can totally relate to your mother's rules. 

A third rule of my mom's was always offer your guests something to eat (the less healthy the better), so I also have some enabling in my genes, too.  TBM has a healthy dose of that, too, though.  He just sent me an e-mail with a recipe for Sopapilla Cheesecake.

God, this is going to be a tough week.


Lorraine Says: Lily, I think we should all wish our lost pounds on Bret.

Wife, Bear is obviously sabotaging you. 3 Muskateers tortillas, Joseph's Bakery, Cheesecake recipes and.. well.. you can admit it: Lackluster sex lately, right? Just really lazy, non-calorie burning sex.

It's a conspiracy, Wife.

Also, offering your guests a diabetic coma is a must for my family as well.


Bret Says: I'm not sure if this has already posted or not, but i'll try to throw this in anyway...did anyone notice that Bear said he was "stuck between two teams at the office?"  Now I understand why Bear needs to lose weight...

Also, if you think I'm racist he called Lor a "brownie."  I don't mind Hispanics.  I think they should get the same opportunities as the rest of us, but not really in the same vicinity.  I call it "seperate but equal."


Lor Says: "Seperate but equal" is what I call your multiple servings at dinner.