And The Default Winner Is Me

Lorraine Says: "I saw you were doing that blob thing and I thought, 'Why the hell is she doing that?' And then I realized that you were just gonna write about not dieting, right?"

That priceless gem of a quote comes from my best friend (and obviously my number one supporter) Roxanne.

No one believes in me. Okay, fine sure, that might have come after Rox climbed in my car and found an empty box of zebra cakes hiding underneath the passenger side, but all I'm asking for is a little support.

He forgot to buckle up.

Why? Because no matter what anyone on this blog says, I win this week by default. It's no secret that Halloween is probably my least favorite holiday. Maybe not as bad as Earth Day. Okay, probably as bad as Earth Day because that's easy to ignore but Halloween is just all in yo' grill.

So while my fluffy, spirited pals were off chomping on fun sized packages of candy they were supposed to be giving to little children (and while Lily was drunk somewhere), I was straight ignoring the holiday, and thus I win. Please keep that in mind as I update you on the rest of my week.

TBM made a comment in yesterday's post about wanting to find out my weakness. Well, fuckin' DUH, TBM. Where the hell have you been? CHOCOLATE.

We started this little venture officially on Friday and that was the day I ate my way through the zebra cakes box. FAIL.

The next day, feeling the guilt heavy on me, I decided that I was going to stick to my guns and do productive ish like eat food and not chocolate but the damn Universe had other plans for me: I was sick all weekend. So while I did manage an IHOP trip  Saturday morning and a few cups of coffee, my desire to eat (along with my will to live) were pretty non-existent as I slept most of the weekend and prayed to baby Jesus that I would better soon.

I'll call that an overall health fail and a dieting WIN. Hey, isn't disease part of the Ethiopian diet? Then I'm doing it right.

Monday, I was feeling tons better and began trying to put myself on a normal people eating schedule. I've done breakfast every morning this week! Not even the fun kids cereal like Count Chocula or Cocoa Puffs: boring stuff with "bran" and "almonds" in the name.

I've not eaten any fast food since this has started, but like I said, food is not really a big deal. I've had small sandwiches or salads and only water to drink.

The End.

Oh. What? You want to know about my chocolate intake? Sigh.

Monday was fine. I went the whole day without any.
Tuesday though, I bought a Kit Kat bar and I housed it. Plus they brought in warm and gooey chocolate chip cookies at my job and I had one of those too.

To make up for it though, I went to the gym! (No matter how much I convince myself that that all balances out, I keep feeling like I'm doing it wrong.)

So, after this morning's weigh-in I'm still at 139. Guess what? No weight gained is a victory indeed.

On Tuesday, I also told my mother I was going to start a diet.

"Ay, si? Again? And are you finally going back to school too? Is there a man outside waiting that you are going to introduce me to? Grandkids?"

Gee, thanks mom.

Someone pass me a brownie. I'll skip breakfast tomorrow as a trade-off. (No seriously, does that work? Calorie swapping? I feel like it should work. I'll trade you all of my protein for the day for one bag of M&Ms.)

Goals for the next week:
- Eliminate all beverages except for water, including coffee.
- Still no fast food.
- Limit my chocolate intake to only 3 days per week. (STFU. I have to start somewhere.)
- Gym at least 3 times in the week.

Alright you over-sized jerk-faces: have at it.

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Lily Says: I seriously seriously don't think you'll stick to the "chocolate no more than 3x a week..." I believe you stole my taffy apple?

However, I do believe staying even is neither win or fail. Slightly more win than fail... considering the IHOP. 

But there's two more days in the week... and who knows, maybe this week Bret didn't single handedly put the Chik fil a's owner kids, grandkids and greatgrandkids through college (at like Harvard ... or something equally as expensive). 

Also... no coffee? I think the first to die is you. Because, coffee is like our blood. NEEDS IT TO LIVE, yo.

Witless Says: I would think there's protein somewhere in a zebra cake.  I mean, it's got zebra in the name.

Disease is definitely part of the Ethiopian diet plan. One of the three pillars in fact: disease, famine, and political unrest.  It's election season, so I'd say you've got two of the three out of the way!

Hey, Lil, last I remember, taffy wasn't chocolate so it's fair game. Plus it's got fruit in it.

But despite that healthy choice, poor Lor will most assuredly be the first to die.  No coffee? Just start drinking it extra strong and black. I'm pretty sure that caffeine's a good substitute for exercise.  I think I heard Oprah say that, so it's got to be the truth.

TBM Says: Shame on me...I guess I should have realized you are what you eat. Chocolate lady eats chocolate...no big surprises there. Perhaps as you're hoovering your Kit Kats you can choke down a few fiber pills to even things out...or at least pass the calories in a timely manner. Oh and I'm sure those Zebra cakes are rife with protein...much like girl scout cookies. Speaking of girl scout cookies isn't that time of year fast approaching? I bet you LOVE those thin mints. Chocolate and mint...saves you the step of brushing your teeth in the morning I bet.

But seriously...3 times a week? I'll be surprised if you can do 3 times a day.

Perhaps breast reduction is the way to go for you? After that post you did on Dan's blog I'd say that would be the first source of weight to deal with. After all, they're always getting in the way, right?

Can you see my desperation? I'm trying to talk a busty woman out of her bust. It's a sad day for all of mankind.

And just so we're clear...breaking even on weigh in day is like coming in second place. It just makes you the first loser.

Lorraine Says: WHAT THE HELL? I thought we voted Lily as most likely to die first, and suddenly you're all turning on me? For coffee and chocolate vs. gin and tonic? You fickle, fickle bunch. Lily will die first, Bret will outlive us all. It'll be him and cockroaches. 

Wife, are you trying to ruin zebra cakes for me? I want my zebra cakes to be all artifical flavoring and sugar not protein and zebra meat. Seriously, ew. Also, I see what you're doing by passing along Oprah advice: YOU WANT ME TO LOOK LIKE OPRAH? That's the meanest thing that's happened on this blog yet.

TBM, shame on you indeed. First for failing to realize how essential chocolate is to my life and secondly for trying to pass off your shitty diet on me. 

Is it seriously girl scout cookie time, though? No, c'mon. Seriously? 

And just so you guys know, and I fully intend on exploring this in a later post, nothing should substitute brushing your teeth in the morning. And more importantly, burshing your teeth and Listerine are a dieter's best friends. No one wants to each anything after a mouthful of Listerine. You're welcome.

Aaaaand it always goes back to the boobs. Dammit people, it always goes back to the boobs!

Lily Says: Speak the troof!!! Brush your teefers and you won't want to eat anything after that. A good way to stay on the Ethiopian Diet.

But really... I won't die. Skinny Bitch cocktails yay! I'm back in the game.

Bret Says: It appears as though Lor's weight loss plan is simple:

1.Eat chocolate
2.Eat more chocolate
3.Become diabetic
4.Get leg amputated.

The average leg weighs about 15 pounds, however with her thighs I'm sure she'll lose 35-40.  It's brilliant.

Lorraine Says: And now it's time to ask yourselves what exactly Bret knows about my thighs...


And the saga continues...