"Oh-nos, eatin' them ding-dongs and hohos"

I have to agree that this weekend was horrible to start a diet. 

I mean, c’mon, really? Halloween and I’m not supposed to eat candy… I mean, sure, I have an apple… but it’s a taffy apple. Caramel. Peanuts. Almonds. Oh yay! … but it’s just sitting there, on my desk. Lonely. I’ll probably give it away. But who knows… maybe I’ll decide I really really really need that taffy apple. 

But to serve as inspiration:

Ignore that pink stains on my otherwise perfectly fine white polo. It was a rough night of drinking. And I believe we were drinking X-Rated and Sprites … or pink margaritas. That is the girl I ate, apparently. This was me at about 140 lbs. Then slowly I began drinking my calories in vodka. And sometimes potatoes or grilled cheese sammies, and occassionally tomato soup. 

So this is how it goes: 

- No McDonald’s. Or fast food in general. Because, really, you don’t need that. 

- No soda/carbonated beverages.

- This one kills me but …. No BOOZE. And this one is the hardest because, really, I would die if I were not able to drink at least a gin and tonic, or vodka tonic…. But you gotta do what you gotta do, right? 

- Limit bread/tortilla intake. Oh yeah, trust me. This is hard. Because being Mexican you can eat anything with tortillas… and along with booze, it’s gonna be hard not to reach for the tortilla at dinner.

So, really, diet started yesterday. 

Witless Exposition Says: The second post and we're still talking about eating people? We're going to start getting a serious reputation.
Don't feel like you have to give up booze forever, drunkeness looks good on you. Besides, vodka can't have that many calories, right? Right? RIGHT?


Bret Says: I'm sorry, are you people not getting this?  This is a diet blog, not a "someday, if I were to diet I would..."

These have to be the least successful attempts to diet ever.  People aren't even making it to their first POST.  

And Lily, you might as well quit the blog now.  Seriously.  You'll never make it.  No drinking?  You named your blog after alcohol.  The picture of the person you want to be involves a drunken booze-stained whore who looks like she went off and offered to "throw her weight around" with a few guys.  

Let's just admit that your diet is over right now.  Good job, you almost made it all the way to the start of a diet, but it was just too much for you.

So what do you guys say, should me take applications for a 5th person?  It could be a lot of fun to read people's accounts of why they are fat enough to join our pursuit of health, while Lily sits at home dipping tortilla shells in tequila and chocolate.  

Lorraine Says: Oh Bret. Have you lost all faith? Obviously if Lily is going to fail for any reason, it'll be because she's going to die from alcohol withdrawal. Seriously, she's gonna die from lack of gin and tonic. That's what she said.

It's a sad way to go, but maybe by the time she actually kicks the bucket, she'll have lost a few pounds. Then people can say, "Well she was a lot more fun when she was fat, but at least she finally lost some weight!"

I'm just really happy that I won't be the first to die/quit/cry/develop an eating disorder. Maybe that's the logistics of it all (I am Wednesday after all) but a victory is a victory.

Dammit, do I want a flood of applications from fat people. I know you all want in on this support-less mess so desperately that you would consider sending all applications to me and a massive flood of cupcakes to TBM, Bret and The Wife. Win them over with sugar. Do it now.

I'll miss Lily, though.

I totally call that taffy apple, though. 

Witless Exposition Says: Lor, you can have the apple...I might fight you for the leftover booze though.
Lily, why did you have to mention tortillas? TBM got a crazy look in his eye tonight at the thought of dessert quesadillas. I think he's going to try and make them with the leftover Halloween candy...and then I'll eat them...and then kill him.
And it'll all be your fault.

TBM Says: I don't know Lor...I've heard of severe cases of fatassitus killing people off.  And that tell tale wine stain is just one of the many signs that our dear Lily has reached the point of no return.  I mean for some people it's Cheetohs and some people it's booze...but rest assured Lor, we'll find your weakness sooner or later.

We already know Bret's weakness...money.  A simple solution for a simple man.  And the wife will be brought down by the glory that is the chocolate quesadilla.  Obviously we'll need to get our dear Lily a couple cases of the cheapest wine around.  I fully expect her to be a cheap drunk...

As for me...with the sausage fest behind me, I expect to get back on track rather quickly.  After all, if I can lose 6 pounds without trying...I'm sure to crush you all if I do.

Lily Says:  Okay... can you die from alcohol withdrawl? Like really? This is of serious concern!!!!! 

Bret is suffering from Non-reading-itis. It kills one American a year. 

TBM.... I may be a quitter, and a non-dieter, or a sloppy drunk... but cheap drunk... NEVER! 

Mrs. TBM, first things first... where was I when the button was made?! I want! Second... tortillas are like effin' killer. They're like Mexican crack. 

Quesadillas for all!

Bret Says:  Trying Bear?  You will try for 5 minutes, get exhausted, and then start spooning Nestle Quick powder straight from the package.

And Lily, it sounds like Non-reading-itis kills far fewer Americans than Mexican Drug Cartels.  I realize that it isn't likely that you are part of one of these, but I'm fairly certain you would hide evidence for them in exchange for a fun pack of skittles and a half can of Pabst.  But no, you're right.  You're not a cheap drunk.

I think we should all try to avoid dying for now; I would hate for mt final act on this planet to be crushing pal bearers beneath the weight of my fat butt.

Also, if I die, please don't let Bear come to my funeral.  I would be defenseless if he went for a taste of my sausage.

Stay tuned...