I Am Taking Over This Blog

Slightly Disappointing Says...

Look folks, the Bear ain't coming back.  Let's face it.  The Bear, he tried dieting.  It was a valiant attempt and all, but ultimately he was just too fat and pathetic to pull it off.  I think we should all be impressed that he made it this far.

As for the rest, well, I dunno.  There have been signs of life from the wife, however when it comes to Lily, well if you go through her tweets you will find the following combination of words many times "Dunkin" and "Donuts"  I will grant you that those could be sexual euphemisms, but most likely whenever she talks about losing weight it's a big fat lie.  Pun intended.

And then there is Lorraine.  She just won featured blogger over at 20sb.  I should say she and her partner, the other one, won featured blogger but let's face it, the other one isn't really a blogger at all.  She is but riding lorraine's coattails.  Well, Lorraine is all pressured and eating tons because of the pressure, and now she feels like she has to make her blog the greatest thing ever, which leaves no time for the blobs or dieting, so yeah...

I'm all alone.

So I thought I'd tell you about my couch to 5K experiences.  I have now done my entire first week of couch to 5K.  I slammed it out in three days, and I can tell you that it was nothing but a massive success.  I can tell you this because you are but internet people, and I don't mind lying.

But I DO have to tell you the story of Day 1.

I knew I wanted to do couch to 5k, I told you as much in my last blob, but I wasn't exactly sure when I was going to start it.  And then something very bad happened for my motivation:  My friend Ray was coming into town.  This meant it would be incredibly easy to put it off until next weekend, or maybe farther because I have a vacation coming up--more on that in a second--and that I ultimately would never even get to day 1 of my newest inevitable failure.  Nice.  It's like my work out plan was still-born.

I didn't want to fail though, and it was while I was at Chick-Fil-A getting Ray and I  fried chicken sandwiches and banana creme pie milkshakes that an idea happened upon me:

Ray is a fat ass.  Ray can do the couch to 5k too!


So, as we were slurping down our milkshakes I told him that we were going to run, and it would be good for us.  Now Ray is about 5'11 and 245.  So he is hugely obese.  He is also nowhere near as out of shape as I am.  I do have one advantage on him though, Ray has never, in all of his years of living, ever done anything more than work on computers.  Ray has no muscle mass.  I have SOME muscle mass due to the fact that it takes a lot of muscles to get this amount of fat between the bed and the toilet.  Thus I thought we were evenly matched.

Ray-This is going to be awful.
Me-This is supposed to be the easy one, the one that anyone can do.
Ray-We are going to die.
Me-I know.

To let you know what the easiest couch to 5k is, it's simple to explain.  You warm up by "walking briskly" for 5 minutes, then you alternate between running for a minute and walking for 90 seconds 9 times, and you finish by walking for 5 minutes again.

Well, we had the walking part down.  Granted, it wasn't "briskly" --we actually didn't see the adverb until day 3--but we were able to walk with no problem.  Then we ran our first minute.  When it got to the walking we were pleased.

Ray:-Oh my God this is bad. This hurts.
Me: *Gasp*Gasp*Gasp*
Ray-Oh fuck.  Fuck.

Then we ran the second minute:

Ray: Oh fuck.  Oh fuck oh fuck.
Me: Shit.
Ray: Fuck.  Oh fuck.  This hurts so bad.
Me: I want to give up.  How much time left to walk?
Ray 5 seconds.
Me: Oh God No.

Then we ran minute 3:

Ray: *Gasp*Gasp*Gasp*
Me: *Gasp*Heave*Heave*Gasp*Gasp*
Ray: 20 seconds left to walk.
Me: No.

...

..

Ray: OK, it's time
Me: No.

Ray then paused the program as I bent over and prepared to throw up.  I coughed, uncontrollably, and didn't even try to stop it.  I was prepared to puke after 3 minutes of running.  Miraculously, nothing came out.

Me: We are skipping this run and just walking it.
Ray: Good.

2 1/2 minutes later we did run 4:

Me: OK I'm feeling a little better.
Ray: Yeah, me too.  Yeah, we can do this.
Me: Skipping that run really helped.  I've caught my breath.  I think I can do it now.  How much longer?
Ray: 5 seconds.
Me:  ok ready....go!
Ray: No, wait.

Ray then walked over in the grass and coughed a little bit.  He then threw up more liquid than could have possibly have been inside of him.  I laughed.

Me: Are you ok?

Ray then went to throwing up again.  And again.  And again. I kept having to move farther and farther away from him because I was laughing extremely hard, and getting sick because someone was puking everywhere, that I was about to throw up myself.  This went on for 10 minutes at least.  Every time I thought he was done I would turn around to him and he would throw up some more.  It was awful.  and hilarious.  Little old ladies would walk by with their dogs just as fast as they could, yanking their dogs behind them as they desperately tried to get a taste of the puke.  This, my friends, is why liposuction exists.  People like us weren't meant to work out.

When he was finally done, there was no talk of couch to 5k.  We just walked home with me laughing the entire time.

Day 1: Failure.

I am proud to report that days 2 and 3 were successes in that we finished the workout without puking, but let me assure you that my legs are on fire.  This won't stop here.  We are going to do it again Thursday because we need to finish week 1, and we also need a few days off, and well, I need something to write about Thursday so that I don't become Bear.  I'll keep you posted to my ongoing progress with my newest lose weight fast scheme that will ultimately blow up into my face as puke and bananas.

But...friendly readers...I will be out of commission both March 24th and March 31st, and every day in between, and I was wondering if there were any fat slobs who are dieting, or would like to diet, and want to take my place.  You would be guesting for those two posts, and a part of the e-mail chain for all of the other days, provided somebody actually writes something, which isn't looking very likely.  If you are interested please put it in the comments below.  If there is more than one interested party, then we will choose the fattest and the slobbiest of all, so be sure to include how disgusting you are.  Who knows, maybe you can be a regular weekend contributor.  Or maybe you can take over for one of these over sized non dieting assholes.