It's Just Me, Because Everyone Else is Dead

Slightly Disappointing, And Only Slightly Disappointing Says...


Wow, is it my turn already?  What with all of your posts I never thought I would even find the time to write!

Well I still don't have a new scale, which is my next big thing.  You see at work we are responsible for putting in our own hours worked in order to get money, and well, I forgot.  So I'll be living this week off of my savings, stumbling around like a poor miser begging others for food.  Next week though, I'll have 2 paychecks and will be drinking from a ruby studded chalice with a diamond laced tiara on--and hopefully a new scale.

My big diet news from the week is simply that I am sore every single day from playing softball, and I love it.  It's got to help right?

But also, and here is what you will want to know:

I HAVE BEEN GUILTED INTO DOING THE COUCH TO 5K.

My fat (formerly fatter) friend has been doing this for a while now.  I'm thinking that it's his personal response to a life where, O.K. I'll just say it, he went from a productive human being to a worthless lump of cow crap that starts making you rethink the notion that no one should commit suicide.

Still, I envied him.  Essentially he is a few years older than me, and used to be in the same line of business.  Because of this he was ahead of me in every aspect of his life.  Then one day he fell down, and I began passing him everywhere.  It got to the point where he was pitiful and pathetic at anything and everything you could imagine.  I tried helping him for years, but it became apparent that something was going to have to happen from inside of him in order to recover.

Well, I'm not sure he has recovered.  He is now in his early 30's, and he works part time at Target.  PART TIME AT TARGET.  In other words, he ain't yet a catch, which is why he has such a bitch of a girlfriend (I love knowing that no one I know actually reads this blog).  Note to everyone out there:  If you ever have to explain to people that your significant other is "Better when you are alone," then they suck, and you should probably find someone that you both like, and isn't hated by the rest of the world.   

Anyway, the fact that he was able to get up and successfully exercise, and lose weight in the process, well this burned at me.  How can someone who fails at every part of life crush me in this part of it?  How can I be this much more inept than he is?

Still, I have always been far bigger than him, so I was able to make excuses and push this stuff aside.

Then I saw a picture of Facebook.  It was of my friend, next to my even fatter friend, right after a 5K.  Back in the day the 3 of us were tight, and we would laugh through our Taco Bell at anyone who suggested that we exercise in any way, and now I see them together after a 5K.  And now it was someone my size.  It was like looking at a picture of Jabba the Hut, only sweaty, and with a SMILE on his face.  Why?  Probably because he knew that he can do something that I could never do.  Asshole.

So now here I am, the left out friend.  The failure.  And I couldn't take it anymore.  My girlfriend had been suggesting I do the couch to 5K for quite a while, but for what?  So I could look sexier for her?  Who cares about her?

Now it's personal.

So two days ago I texted them both that they had me, and because of them I would be starting this program, and soon I'd be right there with them.

"Want to run with me tomorrow?  I'm going to the gym" was the response I got from one friend.

"No." I said.

I know, it's a bad way to start, however these last two days I have been going to watch my beloved St. Louis Cardinals play in spring training, which means I can't go to the gym with him because the timing doesn't work out, and also it isn't very easy to do anything physical when you have eaten a "skull."

What do I mean?  Well as you well know the anatomy of the skull is that you have the brain, and you have the skull covering it, but to keep it from smashing around on it you have this gooey stuff in between cushioning your brain.  Well at the stadium they have something similar.  They have a hot dog, encased in a pretzel, protected by a thick layer of liquid cheese.  And I'll be having more than one.

However, Friday or Saturday I will officially start my couch to 5K proceedings, and I will report back next week.  It's most likely going to be detailed in the post directly above this one, as no one on this damn site writes anymore anyway.