Another Milestone. Ho Hum.

Slightly Disappointing Says....

O.K. O.K. Enough of those boring people.  Let's talk about me.

270.  A 5 pound drop calls for a picture.

Only it's not really a 5 pound drop.  My broken scale says 270.  My roommates good scale says 266.8.  I'll stick with 270 up until I actually get a new scale in which case I can drop several pounds instantly.  Nice.

I did very well this week.  I ate healthy with every fricking meal.  Every one.  I walked every single day, and I played softball which has made me hurt like hell.  My only slip was today I ate pizza, but I did so because it was free.  Frankly I would chug free acid if offered.  Free is always more important than any diet.

So here I am, galloping past the Bear, continuing to be the only person on this blog that, you know, loses any sort of weight.  Next week perhaps with a new scale I can give you a 265 picture.

As for the pictures, I wore the same clothes to see a real comparison, but I'm sure you won't be able to.  At my highest I was 285 and I looked...the exact same.  It doesn't matter how much weight I lose, I look like what I look like.  I'm fairly certain I could lose a leg, and no one would notice.  Still, the women like to see me, and that's who I do this for, so...

Oh, now that I've looked at the photo, I am reminded of this weeks' most important weight loss event of all.  I got my haircut.  By a lunatic.  Still, less weight on top of my head.

Lily, enjoy all the cardio that I'm sure will go with looking at that photo.

Lily Says...

Bret, Cardio doesn't involve looking at pictures. Obviously, you're doing it wrong. No wonder your blow up doll is whoring around. C'mon dude.

 

Also, stop using broken scales. You know they lie.

 

Note to self: Give Bret acid. He likes free things. 

Lor Says...

So, I'm pretty sure Bear won't admit to this but he was pretty sad earlier now that Bret weighs less than he does.

There, there, Bear. The solutions is obvious: Bret. Likes. Free. Things. If he doesn't have a mailbox full of sausage by tomorrow, I'll be highly disappointed in you.

Big Fat Bear Says...

My only worry was about poisoning him with spoiled sausage...now that I know he's into acid I'll be sending him some sausage made with year old coffee grounds.
After all...free is free.

Slightly Disappointing Says...

Hey Bear, I heard you were diagnosed with "spoiled sausage."

When You Can't Feel It

Lorraine Says: I just finished having the driest salad ever invented. I’m pretty sure it had two bite-sized pieces of chicken and three cranberries. It came with almost no non-fat-blah-blah-blah dressing. I could’ve sneezed on this salad and it would’ve been wetter. (I’m preemptively regretting saying wetter in a post.)

This, sadly, is what my life has come to. I’m trying. I’m trying a lot.

For the second week in a row, Roxanne and I took a Sunday night, joint grocery store trip, to make sure we had healthy food options for the week. We’re still consistently attending the gym, and on days we need a break, we walk around the track at the nearby community college, or around the small airport that’s just next to it.

Can we talk about the gym for second? We do a ton of cardio whenever we’re there, and no you sick bastards, Roxanne and I don’t cardio cardio. Occasionally, we’ll use some of the other workey-outey machines, but lately we’ve been interested in using the free weights.

Oh, Lord.

We’ve run into these problems so far:

1. We don’t exactly know what we’re doing.
2. We are easily embarrassed, which means that we’ll mostly try to run away from people. This leaves us using the aerobics room, when there aren’t any classes going on, which brings me to problem #3:
3. Who thought it’d be a good idea to fill the gym with mirrors? Wanna know what I don’t want to do? Work out in front of a mirror.
4. We suffer from the “I don’t feel it, this isn’t working” complex, where you don’t feel it so you think it isn’t working. I’m sure anyone who’s slept with Bret knows what I mean, but lets focus on actual work outs for a moment. We jump the gun and either end up abandoning the 5 pound weights for something only Superman should handle, or we just keep doing crazy shit with the weights so that the next day, we want to chop off our extremities.
5. When we’re sore, we don’t want to push ourselves at the next workout. We want to not move our arms.

We’ve taken to Googling articles and attempting to build some sort of smart work out plan that doesn’t consist of “move a lot” and “don’t bring chocolate to the gym.”

Speaking of chocolate, on Monday I realized that it’d been approximately 2 weeks since I had a chocolate bar. I thought of how awesome it would be to write about that in this here post. I thought about it a lot. I started to get twitch. No. Chocolate. Two. Weeks.

I’ll let you guys guess what happened next. It rhymes with Twitter Fort Mar. It’s okay though because I skipped dinner that day and instead had a double helping of guilt.

Not everything has changed, obviously, but like I said: I’m trying.

 

(Also, I’m not pregnant like Lily, so I win!)

Lily Says: Embarrassing yourself at the gym is priceless. I wish I could be there.

If your salad is dry, you should try getting Bret to cry in it. I'm sure the salty tears would add tons-o-flavor to the lettuce and what nots.

Lorraine Says: Apparently, my actual effort  have left the other blobs speechless. They don't even know what to say when someone isn't going on and on about failure. 

Maybe next week, blobs. Maybe next week. Or! Wait until tomorrow for Bret, who might even have another picture that'll break the internet. 

Dream a little dream.

Still Just Eating For One.

Lily: I've been sucking at the diet game again. For the past two weeks anything I eat has made me sick. And before anyone starts saying "you're pregnant!" ... I'm not so suck it.

 Yesterday, I know my puke can be attributed to my severe migraine. It was one ofthe worst ones i've had in a while. Why? Because a migraine has never made me puke hot pockets.

But I did lose 2 pounds. So maybe this isn't a bad thing?

Lorraine: Holy shit Lily. ARE YOU PREGNANT?

Bear: I thought that was obvious.

Lorraine: Can we all just decide that Bret is the father? I was gonna say that Bear and Bret would have to fight it out but I figured Wife wouldn't find it funny...

Lily: NOT PREGNANT. and really? Bret? As a baby daddy? No thanks. 

Lorraine: No worries Lils, there are real advantages to being pregnant. You can now eat for two! Or, maybe you already eat for two so you can eat for four!

If ice cream can do that, we all need to buy stock in Ben & Jerrys

Witless Exposition says: Well, another week and another pound down.  It's been a pretty average week as far as actual effort goes: hit the gym a couple of times, ate relatively well, tried to make sure I was drinking plenty of water and tea (after a while, I literally cannot stomach any more water).  So really, nothing really happened this week to make it more interesting than watching paint dry.

I know, I know, I'm easily the most boring/lamest part of our little group, except maybe for Bret's "girlfriend."  On the other hand, I bet she has some truly horrific stories she could tell, if her mouth wasn't in a permanent O shape.

So, in the aim of finding something to actually talk about, here's some articles I've found that might be of use to us:

Imagining eating makes you eat less?
Apparently if you imagine eating M&M's one at a time, you'll be able to stop your craving.  Well, at least in the study they did.  I think Lorraine can tell us that imagining eating Zebra Cakes does nothing for her diet.

Woman overeats to experience orgasm
This woman gets off every time she eats ice cream.  She's overweight, but has a fulfilling job at a fetish site.  Sound like something Lily might like, huh?

Chinese man had knife blade stuck in his head for four years without knowing it, doctors say
Wow, that guy must have really pissed his wife off.  Hmmm, TBM hates doctors and is a heavy sleeper. 

Lily says: Don't get me wrong I love ice cream, but I don't think I can make myself orgasm from having something from 31 Flavors. That my friends is dedication. I think Bret can learn a thing or 31 for Ms. Ice Cream Orgasm Fetish woman. Maybe that way he can give the inflatable girlfriend a break. 

Another Lily Victim

Slightly Disappointing Says...

I don't know what it is about Lily, but I too have caught her evil disease and have been sick all week.  It become apparent that we all need even better protection around her.  Ultra herpes cannot be stopped by any normal means.

This means that I spent all week not moving, HOWEVER, I spent all week making the correct choices with every meal, which is HUGE (no pun intended) for me.  I weighed in at 273, so another pound down, and I am committed to buying a better scale.  As has been well documented, mine sucks.

On the exercise front here is how weak I was: I couldn't walk half a mile without sitting.  I was wheezing and coughing, and...it was bad.  Usually I walk 2 miles.  Right now, I am too sick to move.

But I'm also too sick to eat.  Success!

Lily Says...

Uh, you must have caught your ultra herpes from your wrist, hand, air pump, or inflatable orgy partners. Because I had a sore throat for about 2 minutes.

All I here is BLAH BLAH BLAH. Man up, Bret! 

Chipotle, McDonalds, Cardio, Weddings and Cannibalism, Again.

Lily Says: So, the snow is melting already, and I could theoretically go out to the grocery store and buy HEALTHY food... but have I? Nope. I haven't gained weight, but I also haven't lost any. Which, again... I think is amazing considering how many times I've been to McDonalds and Chipotle lately. I guess what's helping is the semi daily cardio and Cardio. But, yeah... I need to start dropping the lb's. Bridezillas be wanting us to go see bridesmaid dresses. =\


Bear Says: Beware the wrath of Bridezilla. It's almost as bad as the wrath of Mothera.


Lily Says: Ugh... as long as I'm not in a dress that makes me look like a fucking cupcake, I'm good.


Bear Says: I can see where you'd be worried about looking like a cupcake...I mean what if Lor saw you? She might eat you. If she tries, please be sure to get some video we can sell on the blog.


Lor Says: 1a.) I don't understand how snow can keep you from the grocery store but NOT Chipotle's. 
b.) I love me some Chipotles.

2.) No one need to worry about me eating Lily. I haven't had a zebra cake in weeks! I'm fine! Totally normal! Not twitching at all. 

Besides, Lils is awesome, but she doesn't really have the right goods. Like... An actual cream filing. 

Lily Says: Just in case the rest missed it.. Lor said this: [posted above]

Ummm... Chipotle was more easily accessible than the grocery store. Chipotle is not in the hood, so their sidewalks were clean. Yes, in Chicago, if you live in the hood you best clean your own sidewalks... if not you get fined. womp womp.

 

But yes, I lack a creme filling. Which is sad. I've always wanted to be a twinkie or ho-ho or a Bavarian creme donut. Which by the way, you all try the Dunkin Donuts reverse Bavarian creme doughnut. And I'm not just saying it because Dunkin follows me on twitter... it is GOOD.

Lor Says: (Thanks Lily. Sorry I didn't reply all.... I owe you some chipotles, real talk.)

Lily Says: I don't even do it for the Chipotle. <3 

Bear Says: With all that Cardio, I'd assume you'd be slap full of filling by now...

Maybe you're not doing it right?

Lily Says: Ha! No comment. I hear children sometimes read blogs. 

Live Music as a form of Exercise

TBM Says: So as an alternative to the gym, we decided to go to a concert this week.  Honestly I'm pretty sure I got a better workout there then I would have from a week at the gym anyway.  As with most conveniences in life there are a few fall backs to this approach to exercise.

1.  The Wife looks like a victim of spousal abuse.  She's got this one bruise that looks like I grabbed her by the arm and visited some unspeakable/criminal act upon her while screaming "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"

2.  I can't hear shit.  That's right...while I'm effectively stone deaf on a normal day, the day after a concert you may as well be talking to a wall.

3.  I actually endured physical pain.  Yeah I know you get sore after a workout at the gym, but its just not the same as the ache you have after some short little bitch at a show has had her shoulder pressed into your kidney the entire fucking night.

And on top of all of this I pretty much ate like shit.  We had to drive all the way to Houston for the show and that means 1 thing...Fast food for breakfast, lunch and a little more for dinner.  On the bright side I must be some what successful in this whole dieting thing in that my stomach threw a revolt against its Double Quarter Pounder oppressor.  Instead of the Ethiopian diet I'm now on the patented Bret's Anal Purging Diet.

Its no fun.

Bret Says: It may be no fun, but it certainly works. Having things quickly and violently leave your anus must be your version of opposite day.  Also, I had no idea a Bieber concert could be so violent...

Tell the Wife I said to have a romantic and amorous Valentines day, and to text you when she is coming home.

TBM Says: Damn it Bret...I was going for the whole no Valentine's Day post.  Way to fuck things up...again...today.

Lily Says: Bret always fucks things up. That's nothing new. Plus I mean, his valentines day is spent with a blow up doll that can't read. 

Who did you see Bear? someone good?

Bret's anus diet just killed my appetite. Both for food and sex.  

Lorraine Says: Could anything be less romantic than booty dribble? I think not.

 

It doesn't bother me, though, because I'm the only single blob. So, I mean, if Bret is spending it inflating his doll, and Bear is spending it on the toiler, leaving Wife alone to nurse her spousal abuse bruises, and if Lily is now talked out of sex, this all makes me feel better.

 

Happy Valentine's Day indeed.