The one that nobody likes says: OK, so I am telling you right now. I WILL NOT BE POSTING THIS. One of you will have to step up. I have caught a royally huge cold, probably from my small, germy cousins, and I will not be awake 5 minutes past the end of this sentence.
I will tell you this: I have lost 1 pound this week. That's amazing. This is my birthday week, and I lost a pound even though people were throwing cake at me left and right, and it would have been horribly RUDE for me to not eat it.
Still, whenever I wasn't being treated to a meal, I was eating healthy. And I even walked a little bit too, and softball season starts next week. Basically, I am pretty much at 175 right now. Eat it.
Lily says: Red velvet cake?
Lorraine says: NOT IT on posting it. I've caught a cold too (one that made me forget yesterday was my day to post...) I've been popping vitamin C pills likes ecstasy, and cradling a bottle of Nyquil like it was tequila. I'm not sure what this will do for my weight. We'll have to find out next week.
Also, anyone else thing people aren't throwing cake at Bret because they like him..?
Lily says: I'm not doing it either. I'm busy puking.
The Wife says: I guess that means I'm stuck with it, since we all know TBM barely posts on his own days. Plus posting it would be helping Bret, and I think we all know that TBM and Bret are quickly becoming mortal enemies.
Lorraine says: Bear gets laid and Bret does not. BEAR WINS.
TBM says: Bwahahahaha...yeah, I'm totally not posting it.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Things I learned during the Blizzard... Ethiopian Diet = Headache
Lily Says: So last week I was snowed in. Snowpocalypse took over the Windy City. I really thought I was going to die. But, I didn't. Sad. I know.
Anyway, there was alot of cardio but not enough food. I learned that I shouldn't participate in the ethiopian diet. I got a horrible headache from eating just one hash brown from the Golden Arches all day.
I need a new dieting technique.
Lorraine Says: But, wait, did it work?? Because if you lost weight, what's a little headache. Granted the Ethiopian diet won't be as effective for you once you're able to get out of the house...
Lily Says: Oh yeah. A pound of fat and 2 in water. Because I cried because we saw Juno and because the headache hurt. So it wasn't a fail at all. Just not as practical now that I can leave the house.
Don't Break the Screen Bret Says: Seriously, you don't think Christy Henrich got a headache or two? And you know THAT was worth it.
(Look it up people)
Lily Says: Doubt it. Well, maybe the crying. But definitely not the headache. God, Bret, why do you always think you're right??
Elephants on Parade
TBM Says: So last week I didn't write, because I was on an airplane. Ah the wonders of government work. How I love it.
Poor other gym heads.
I had big plans last week. While I was traveling I planned to make use of the hotel gym and I was totally planning on eating salads when I had lunch. As fate would have it neither of those things happened. Most nights I was forced to work late and the nights that didn't happen I decided to go out and have beers with some of my co-workers that I never get to see.
While beer is tasty, it's not exactly the best thing for a diet. And as it turns out, neither is pizza. Both of which I consumed in mass quantities. Mostly because they were both on sale when I went to eat. I did a little better at lunch time. Or at least I think it was anyway. Sushi isn't so bad for us, right?
Anyway...its a new week and whether the Wife likes it or not we're going to the gym this week. Every night. Whether we're planning to go out that evening or not.
I hope you're prepared dear...
Lily Says: Wait... you're going to do it in the gym?
Poor other gym heads.
TBM Says: Nothing like a little "cardio" at the gym. Am I right?
Lily Says: Bwahahahaha. That's not the kind of cardio you do at the gym!
Inexperienced Sexually Says: Yes, as Lily will tell you, that's the sort of cardio you do in a men's room stall with a strange man and your younger sister.
Lily Says: The first two are so true. Younger sister, Bret? We don't roll like that.
Inexperienced Sexually Says: So Bear, why don't you meet my picture challenge? I'm sure the world would love to see your progress!
TBM Says: Because Bret, I've still got just a little bit of self respect. A very little bit.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Someone Who Is Far Better Than Any Of Us...
Madame Shelly, you are an inspiration. And rest assured that after your weight loss triumph everyone on this web site would do you. Even (especially) the women.
http://mrscaptkerk.blogspot.com/2011/02/alrighty-ill-talk.html
http://mrscaptkerk.blogspot.com/2011/02/alrighty-ill-talk.html
Friday, February 4, 2011
Bret pulled a Donner party on everyone!
The word of today, children: projection.
I didn't do jack this week in regards to my blogging blobs journey, and I blame the weather and TBM. You see, TBM went out of town this week for work, and we both know that when he goes, I eat like a five year old. (I eat like a ten year old when he's here).
Not a whole lot, just what I do eat is generally junk. So this week my diet consisted of: instant mashed potatoes, a few leftovers, and peanut butter sandwiches. Why the huge range?
That's the second part: the weather. Now, I know that the rest of the country has had it a lot worse than my part of south Texas, but you would have thought that the world ended this week. We stayed in the low 20s for most of the week, and while Chicago and the rest of the north would think it was a brisk day, what did we do? Institute rolling blackouts because the infrastructure couldn't handle everyone turning their heater all the way up to 80. I didn't go to the grocery store, because I didn't want to get stuck in a huge warehouse with no lights (too many zombie movies). And I didn't bother going to the gym , because I didn't want to do a youtube worthy fall of the treadmill when it randomly stopped.
Why didn't I play the Wii? Because I was holed up in our guest bedroom, because it was the only room in the house that could stay over 65. Downstairs wasn't an option.
Today, we've even managed to accumulate an inch of snow and the whole city has shut down. You see, we generally get about half an inch of snow annually, so now, all the major highways are shut down, they had to send for ice trucks from god knows where, and the news anchors are screaming "For the love of all that is holy, please stay home! You can't stop on the roads! Breaks are useless! God has called down his judgment on us!"
Or something like that.
So, I'm a fat ass, but in the true American way, I claim, it's not my fault.
(Ok, ok, I know it's my fault, but the poor, pitiful, me route isn't as funny).
I didn't do jack this week in regards to my blogging blobs journey, and I blame the weather and TBM. You see, TBM went out of town this week for work, and we both know that when he goes, I eat like a five year old. (I eat like a ten year old when he's here).
Not a whole lot, just what I do eat is generally junk. So this week my diet consisted of: instant mashed potatoes, a few leftovers, and peanut butter sandwiches. Why the huge range?
That's the second part: the weather. Now, I know that the rest of the country has had it a lot worse than my part of south Texas, but you would have thought that the world ended this week. We stayed in the low 20s for most of the week, and while Chicago and the rest of the north would think it was a brisk day, what did we do? Institute rolling blackouts because the infrastructure couldn't handle everyone turning their heater all the way up to 80. I didn't go to the grocery store, because I didn't want to get stuck in a huge warehouse with no lights (too many zombie movies). And I didn't bother going to the gym , because I didn't want to do a youtube worthy fall of the treadmill when it randomly stopped.
Why didn't I play the Wii? Because I was holed up in our guest bedroom, because it was the only room in the house that could stay over 65. Downstairs wasn't an option.
Today, we've even managed to accumulate an inch of snow and the whole city has shut down. You see, we generally get about half an inch of snow annually, so now, all the major highways are shut down, they had to send for ice trucks from god knows where, and the news anchors are screaming "For the love of all that is holy, please stay home! You can't stop on the roads! Breaks are useless! God has called down his judgment on us!"
Or something like that.
So, I'm a fat ass, but in the true American way, I claim, it's not my fault.
(Ok, ok, I know it's my fault, but the poor, pitiful, me route isn't as funny).
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Technology Cannot Handle Me
OK, let me try this again...
I wrote this last week, and accidentally only sent it to Lily, whom naturally did not respond. I resent it later to everyone, but it was too late for me to post, so I asked Lor to do it with me. She agreed. Then she failed to ever post it. Because she is a bitch.
So I will try this again, since I'd like to start a slide show of progress...and dare my fellow blobs to join in. As a side note, next week is my 29th birthday and I think it'd be just swell if I weighed 100 pounds less when I turn 30. That's the goal. I think I can do it too, so long as i am motivated, confident, committed, have a good support group, also have this bad support group, and get a few parasites along the way.
Here we go...
Attached is a picture of me yesterday--at 275. Still 10 down, but also 10 up from around Christmas. It's depressing, and I'm hoping to do a weekly photo to watch the progress. Like all good photos I wanted to look as sad as possible for the first one, because, well, that's how these things are done.
Here is the sad truth that you can't see. That was after I ate Panda Express, and during me having some massive chest pains. It is also in a shirt that should drape down over my pants relatively easily, and yet I'm not sure it can tuck in. I miss that shirt fitting. It did a few weeks ago.
So today I started the dedicated eating healthy and exercising thing again, after some of the most stressful work weeks I've ever experienced. It feels like starting over, even though technically it isn't. It feels awful.
Of course worst of all is that I am several pounds heavier than Bear. Now, sure, a good 2 pounds can be attributed to my bigger penis, however I still have work to go. Since he seems like he is enjoying plateauing along with his current workout plan, which seems to be sex once a week, I have no doubt that I will be back on top faster than his wife will be. For now though, I lay down my Big Mac. You sir have won. So far.
Next week though? Next week this shirt is going to fit a little bit better.
I don't remember you sending me anything.
But anywho... stop eating Pandas. They're endangered and we need them for the future.
Your picture doesn't show. Are you sure you didn't eat it?
I assumed the pic was so huge it couldn't fit on my phone screen. Was waiting to try and open it on the tv.
I'm on my laptop. Hmmm.... Bret, stop breaking things.
See, last week when Bret asked me to post for him, the picture did load and it did break something: my will to live. Bret's fat assness made me not post it. Obviously.
I believe that. I don't think my laptop screen is big enough to fit Bret. womp womp.
How big is your screen, Lor?
Mac crashed. :(
If I do this picture thing there will be significantly less clothing. All your computers will be healed.
Bret you look uber sad. Is someone keeping Panda from you?
O.K. I'm going to give you all real pleasure and show you a picture of me my junior year of High School...
The One in Which Bret Is Still Getting Treated
Lorraine Says: Dearest readers and fellow bloggers,
What the fuck has happened?
This is putting it lightly. See, after our bestest (maybe one of the only) reader Chloe told me that her mom considers me her favorite blob, I was absolutely tickled pink. Eat that fatties. I'm funny.
But then I came back here to our blobby blog and checked out the dismal offerings of the past few weeks. First we blamed Thanksgiving. Then we blamed pooping out Thanksgiving. Then we blamed Christmas. Then we blamed throwing up Christmas liquor. Then we blamed the New Year and suddenly having lives and busy jobs and blow-up dolls to keep sexually pleased (BRET...).
We've been chock full of excuses. Maybe some of us haven't been trying, and what do you blog about on a dieting blog when you aren't dieting?
Maybe some of us have been kept away by guilt.
Maybe some our hands are busy with handfulls of suasage (BRET...)
Whatever the case may be, it's making me sad. There needs to be a really heavy foot being put down. We need to call the troops together.
In an attempt to do that I bring you "My Favoritest Things We Said, Back When We Were Trying And Writing Posts Consistently:"
"I mean really, while Lily was out getting drunk, Lor was debating the merits of Zebra cakes with Rox, and TBM and I were guzzling sausage: Bret was by himself having a heart attack. Guys, we came this close to actually knowing someone who died in their apartment and wasn't discovered until weeks later." - The Wife
"So let me get this straight: We have had a diet blog for just over a week now, and the sum total of influence that we have had over one another is that Lily influenced you to melt 3 Musketeers bars over tortillas?" - Bret
"Now, I know nothing about his g-parents, but I do know the town they live in, which might as well be called "Retirement Town for the Infirm and Innocent Elderly Who Love Their Graindkids, Florida." Bret can't control his eating and he blames his grandparents who are feeding him out of the kindness of their hearts (because if I were as cheap as Bret claims they are, and I had a super-sized grandkid, I wouldn't even open the door.)" - Lorraine
"What he didn't tell you about was the two glasses of beer he had last night. They probably equal a loaf of bread a piece. He likes his beer dark and rich just like he likes his women...wait, yeah, doesn't quite work here." - The Wife
"Gosh Bear, I still can't figure out why you are fat. It must be a hormone problem." - Bret
"Putting together that nifty little example you used about gaining weight, plus the fact that you love sausage plus the fact that you gained 16 pounds right at the start of this all, I'd venture to say that you know a thing or two about dropped Kit Kats and taking it from behind. (This would be a good place to insert the definition of "loose," as in, your asshole.)" - Lorraine
"Lor! 3 pounds is fudging awesome!! I mean I can't fudging believe that you've lost that much fudging weight in a fudging week. I mean I'm super fudging impressed. And fudge that fudger Bret. He's just a fudging motherfudger. Fudge him!! BROWNIE!!" - TBM
"My one pound may be lonely... but it's gone and pretty sure it has found it's way to Bret. " - Lily
"Sorry I went MIA yesterday guys. My white guilt had me so horrified by Bret's racism that I couldn't take part (plus meeting, doctors visits, etc.)." - Wife
"'Seperate but equal' is what I call your multiple servings at dinner." - Lor
"In the words of all my ghetto friends... "DAMN BRET, YOU JUST GOT TREATED". - Lily
"Holy Shit...5 pounds? Did you get a breast amputated? Did you simply turn down 1 bottle of Vodka? Hopefully not the first... Who am I trying to kid? Hopefully not the second either." - TBM
"Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions." - Lily
"I think everyone is in a deep dark pit of shame right now. Or hungover." - The Wife
In conclusion, we need to do better. In further conclusion, this week was a bad week for me.
Ahem.
Bret Says: If you were really going to put only the funniest quotes out there, it would have been like reading my blog.
Lorraine Says: And by "your blog" I think you mean a blog about you and not by you. Seriously, the funniest stuff was making fun of you. I mean, "poor Bret can only tickle?" Genius.
Bret Says:You're fat.
The Wife Says: Uh oh, sounds like someone's girlfriend deflated.
TBM Says: LOL
Lorraine Says: That LOL is exactly why it was hard to find TBM highlights.
TBM Says: I can't help that I'm simply not as witty and cruel as you other craven emotional voltures...
Bret Says: You're a big man to admit that Bear. A big, fat, grotesque, impotent man.
What the fuck has happened?
This is putting it lightly. See, after our bestest (maybe one of the only) reader Chloe told me that her mom considers me her favorite blob, I was absolutely tickled pink. Eat that fatties. I'm funny.
But then I came back here to our blobby blog and checked out the dismal offerings of the past few weeks. First we blamed Thanksgiving. Then we blamed pooping out Thanksgiving. Then we blamed Christmas. Then we blamed throwing up Christmas liquor. Then we blamed the New Year and suddenly having lives and busy jobs and blow-up dolls to keep sexually pleased (BRET...).
We've been chock full of excuses. Maybe some of us haven't been trying, and what do you blog about on a dieting blog when you aren't dieting?
Maybe some of us have been kept away by guilt.
Maybe some our hands are busy with handfulls of suasage (BRET...)
Whatever the case may be, it's making me sad. There needs to be a really heavy foot being put down. We need to call the troops together.
In an attempt to do that I bring you "My Favoritest Things We Said, Back When We Were Trying And Writing Posts Consistently:"
"I mean really, while Lily was out getting drunk, Lor was debating the merits of Zebra cakes with Rox, and TBM and I were guzzling sausage: Bret was by himself having a heart attack. Guys, we came this close to actually knowing someone who died in their apartment and wasn't discovered until weeks later." - The Wife
"So let me get this straight: We have had a diet blog for just over a week now, and the sum total of influence that we have had over one another is that Lily influenced you to melt 3 Musketeers bars over tortillas?" - Bret
"Now, I know nothing about his g-parents, but I do know the town they live in, which might as well be called "Retirement Town for the Infirm and Innocent Elderly Who Love Their Graindkids, Florida." Bret can't control his eating and he blames his grandparents who are feeding him out of the kindness of their hearts (because if I were as cheap as Bret claims they are, and I had a super-sized grandkid, I wouldn't even open the door.)" - Lorraine
"What he didn't tell you about was the two glasses of beer he had last night. They probably equal a loaf of bread a piece. He likes his beer dark and rich just like he likes his women...wait, yeah, doesn't quite work here." - The Wife
"Gosh Bear, I still can't figure out why you are fat. It must be a hormone problem." - Bret
"Putting together that nifty little example you used about gaining weight, plus the fact that you love sausage plus the fact that you gained 16 pounds right at the start of this all, I'd venture to say that you know a thing or two about dropped Kit Kats and taking it from behind. (This would be a good place to insert the definition of "loose," as in, your asshole.)" - Lorraine
"Lor! 3 pounds is fudging awesome!! I mean I can't fudging believe that you've lost that much fudging weight in a fudging week. I mean I'm super fudging impressed. And fudge that fudger Bret. He's just a fudging motherfudger. Fudge him!! BROWNIE!!" - TBM
"My one pound may be lonely... but it's gone and pretty sure it has found it's way to Bret. " - Lily
"Sorry I went MIA yesterday guys. My white guilt had me so horrified by Bret's racism that I couldn't take part (plus meeting, doctors visits, etc.)." - Wife
"'Seperate but equal' is what I call your multiple servings at dinner." - Lor
"In the words of all my ghetto friends... "DAMN BRET, YOU JUST GOT TREATED". - Lily
"Holy Shit...5 pounds? Did you get a breast amputated? Did you simply turn down 1 bottle of Vodka? Hopefully not the first... Who am I trying to kid? Hopefully not the second either." - TBM
"Let's get shit straight.... I drink vodka as if it were water. Tequila is reserved for special occasions." - Lily
"I think everyone is in a deep dark pit of shame right now. Or hungover." - The Wife
In conclusion, we need to do better. In further conclusion, this week was a bad week for me.
Ahem.
Bret Says: If you were really going to put only the funniest quotes out there, it would have been like reading my blog.
Lorraine Says: And by "your blog" I think you mean a blog about you and not by you. Seriously, the funniest stuff was making fun of you. I mean, "poor Bret can only tickle?" Genius.
Bret Says:You're fat.
The Wife Says: Uh oh, sounds like someone's girlfriend deflated.
TBM Says: LOL
Lorraine Says: That LOL is exactly why it was hard to find TBM highlights.
TBM Says: I can't help that I'm simply not as witty and cruel as you other craven emotional voltures...
Bret Says: You're a big man to admit that Bear. A big, fat, grotesque, impotent man.
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