Did Everyone Choke On A Ham Sandwich?

Slightly Disappointing Says...

This isn't even worth writing.  I am doing so after eating my fast food fried chicken meal and following it up with some holiday cookies.  To be clear, these are cookies from my girlfriends mom, not to be confused with the cookies from my Grandma, which were a good portion of the total amount of food that I consumed yesterday.

I still haven't weighed myself.  This is mostly because I was busy buying a car, and thus was active and moving before I had time to do anything, but my future is clear:  I will have gained something like 47 pounds by next Thursday if I don't make a conscious decision to get back on the horse.  We all knew this week was going to be bad, but this week cannot be typical.

I would like to point out, amidst my almost constant failure, that at least I WROTE my blob this week, as opposed to Bear and Lorraine who have missed their days completely.  I mean, I understand that Bear probably is too fat and unhealthy for typing to be medically approved, but what of Lorraine?  what STD or series of STD's block you from using a keyboard???  What, she can't type while on her back???

Lily Says...

I'll have you know, as someone who participates in cardio ... it is hard to type while on your back. Even with a smart phone.

We Fail.

Lily Says:  Are we not documenting our fails this week? If so, GOOD. Because just on Christmas Eve alone I stuffed my face so much that when I burp I can still taste shrimp. But seriously.... starting 2011, I'm sticking to this.

Wife Says: I think everyone is in a deep dark pit of shame right now. Or hungover.

Lorraine Says: Or both? 

I won't even pretend to be anything but ashamed, hungover and entirely blobby.

Bret-Cicle Says: I don't know what you guys are talking about.  I have found it remarkably easy to stick to my diet and lose some weight over the holidays. #Lies

Apparently Jesus likes me better than you

Witless Exposition says: I'm going to make this short, because I'm pretty sure that everyone is busy with holiday stuff (i.e. passed out already from booze and overeating). This week's exercise front was an absolute joke.  TBM worked from home this week, so any semblance of our usual schedule went right out the door.

Last night I blew the food front a bit, but not as much as I thought I would. I was too busy playing hostess and drinking champagne to really eat much. 

This morning I weighed myself and have lost another pound. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I like it.

Lorraine says: I call some sort of greater, universal racism bullshit here. Lily and I booze and eat and we gain weight. Bret, Wife and Bear booze and eat and lose weight? Thanks Baby Jesus.

In other news, I'm walking around our resort on a beautiful day and I fully plan on boozing and eating in just a bit.

Merry Christmas fellow blobs.

The Tricky Grinch says: You know Lor, I read your tweets.  I know you are a liar.  Almost every tweet you write is about something else you are putting in your body, be it cupcakes, alcohol, or pool boys.


Lorraine says: There are not many things I've refrained from during this "diet" but I'll have you know that I haven't had a single pool boy. BAM.

Cultural Education--Christmas Edition

Slightly Disappointing Says...


Yeah, I've got nothing good to say.  It's been a horrible week.  I had my Christmas today because of work, and, well, I got a lot of foods, none of which are in the vegetable category, all of which are in the "Hansel and Grettle" category.  I don't know if I spelled Grettle wrong, and I don't care.  I didn't weight myself today...because I didn't have time, what with breakfast and all.  I'm sure it was a disaster.  I'm sure I might even be close to the bear.  *sob!*  The only good thing I did was help move my girlfriend, which means my muscles were worked out, however the pain was washed down with sugar cookies and hot fudge sundaes.  My body feels awful from all of the bad food, which can be considered a good thing, because I got an e-mail that explains that Christmas is the season for feeling bloated and nauseated from a huge amount of calories.  Basically, I feel like Lily just before one of her famous abortions.

Merry *Christmas My Fellow Blobs.

*Unless you don't celebrate Xmas.  Lor and Lily don't right?  Don't Hispanics celebrate some sort of Pagan Holiday that involves sacrificing a virgin or something?  Thank God both of you have been safe for around 15 years.  I'm just checking to make sure.  I wouldn't want to offend anyone.

Lily the Whore says....

You leave my non-existent abortions out of this. And why do you keep talking about your "girlfriend" we all know she doesn't exist. And Happy Merry Christmas too you... be careful, we hear you're still V-teaming. ;)

Witless says

C'mon, you know you didn't get much of a work out helping your "girlfriend" move.  I mean, how heavy can blow up furniture and, um...accessories be anyway?

Slightly Disappointing Says

You would be surprised.

Lily Says...

Duh, Wife! I'm sure the pump weighs a lot. 

Hell is Never Losing Weight

Lorraine Says: I've lost my will to diet. I don't even know what else to say other than that. It's like I need a diet nap. I'm a bit exhausted, a bit disillusioned, and a lot in love with free holiday cookies at work. 'Tis the season.

I hopped on my stupid, defective, inconsistent and poorly made Scale of Random Numbers this morning (no, I still haven't bought a new one...) and it told me I was still squarely where I was last time I checked like two weeks ago. I'm not surprised. To make matters all worse, here comes Christmas.

Actually, this Christmas won't even be so bad. I think perhaps Santa gifted me with the best possible way to do the least amount of holiday dinner damage: Our family will be going to Orlando to spend the weekend there.

See, usually we celebrate on the 24th with a ginormous family dinner followed by waiting for midnight to open gifts. And by "waiting for midnight" I obviously mean "nibbling on every snack available in order to pass the time more quickly."

Christmas is bad.

But! Since we'll be out of town, Christmas dinner will be downgraded from ginormous to simply big. Also, snacking will be limited as no one wants to pack the amount of food we usually consume. See? It's a Christmas miracle.

Can you all just call me after the New Year too? I'm pretty sure that's what the Ethiopians do, anyways.

Little Tiny Bret Says: Even Ethiopians feast at Christmas.  The roast the bones of the famine dead loved ones that died the previous month.  For desert they have the almost dead.

The Wife Says: We're going to hell for this.  Well, maybe just Bret. The rest of us will get time in purgatory or something.

 Lorraine Says: I'm pretty sure we'll all be skinny in hell. Or maybe hell is never eating but still being fat.

Noooooooooo...!!

Gotta Do It Wrong To Get Results

Lily Says: So, I did everything right this past week. I didn't eat bad food (read: fast food, fried foods, etc). And for what? Plus two pounds?! WTF?!

That was stupid. So basically: eating McDonald's every other day, drinking water sometimes, mucho soda, chips occassionally, and twinkies for breakfast is the key to weight loss. Fuck it. I quit this week. Call me after Christmas. :)

Wife Says: Hmmm...any tequila in the mix?

TBM Says: That's like asking if she's been breathing this week...

Lorraine Says:  Or did you have a fight with your bf? Less cardio anyone...? 

Lily Says: Wife: Definitely will be tequila in the mix. 

Lor: No fighting with the bf. But fighting would equal MORE cardio... because you know... Make-Up Cardio. But cardio has been at normal levels.

Tricky Fish Says: Maybe he, uhh....how do I put this...left 2 pounds of cardio inside of you?

A short one, but still not as short as Bret's...

TBM Says: 272 bitches!!  Apparently last week's measurement was a bit flawed.  I jumped on the scale again later that day and found that I was actually down to 275.  Now I'm down another 3 pounds.  I'm really hoping that by next week I'll see the 260's.

I'm pretty excited about the prospect.  I missed a couple of days at the gym for some social engagements and a couple of late work days, but I've managed to stick to my diet and even managed to stay well under my allotted 1800 calorie regimen.

Lorraine Says: I'm still not quite clear on what happened last week. Were you thinking fat? Was the Wife stepping on the edge of the scale to throw you off your game? Were you dipping into Lily's liquor stash and thus too trashed to properly read the numbers off the scale? Did an Ethiopian follow you home and sit on the scale?

 

I feel like we need explanations.

 

Congrats on the losing weight, you know, while not really sticking to your work out rotuine. I feel like we set an amazing example for fatties and children everywhere.

 

And by "we" I mean you people who are still losing weight.